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Clover grips the sink and squeezes her eyes shut. She takes a deep breath to fight back the nausea. The music from outside the bathroom echoes in the shallow bathroom. When she opens her eyes, she’s disgusted by what she’s seeing. Her mascara and eyeliner have left a smudged mess under her ocean blue eyes. The skin underneath is red and puffy.
She looks like a mess. But so she is, too.
She grabs another paper towel and runs it under the cold water. She sniffles, still feeling snotty and disgusting after the tears.
She was just dumped. She went from dancing and grinding against her girlfriend on the dance-floor, to looking into her cold eyes and hearing the words.
“I can’t do this anymore, Clove.” No real explanation. And so she left. Ending a turbulent relationship which lasted a year. Deep down, Clover knew it was on her. That’s what she gets for dating a woman so different from her. A woman with a normal life, with stability. Of course she got tired of Clover's insecurities. Of the constant “Do you love me?”, “Are you gonna leave me?” and the damn jealousy. But she fucked up too. By never giving the reassurance needed, for prioritizing work all the time. For still being in contact with her lousy ex-boyfriend.
She probably ran straight back to him. The thought makes Clover nauseous again. And so comes the tears. Again. She covers a whimper underneath her palm.
She’s a mess. A damn mess.
The door opens and a blonde woman steps into the bathroom. The stalls are all empty, giving Clover a perfect opportunity to cry it out, by herself.
But now that’s ruined. She straightens her back and roughly dabs the paper underneath her swollen eyes. Keep your pride.
That’s what she was taught.
A narcissistic grandma, and a macho grandpa. Perfect combination to raise a mentally unstable woman.
The blonde runs her hands under the water and glances at Clover who avoids her gaze.
“You alright?” She asks softly. Clover gently dabs the paper against her nose too. She doesn’t want to look like a snotty damn toddler.
“I’m fine.” She replies nonchalantly.
“Rough day?”
“Just got dumped.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yea.” Clover mutters. She meets her reflection in the mirror. She looks horrible.
“Can I?” The blonde woman opens her bag and brings out a mascara. Clover eyes her skeptically, but then nods.
“Go ahead.”
She tells the woman - Shannon - everything. She’s easy to talk to, like she’s known her for years. Shannon is 20 years old - two years younger than Clover. Lives in Australia with her “jerk boyfriend” and has an idiot stepbrother. They’re so different from each other, yet so similar.
“Well, your ex sounds like a bitch.” Shannon says.
Clover looks into the mirror. The makeup is fixed, now she just needs to do something about the broken heart. She adjusts the brown locks and fixes the bangs, hiding them with the pink headband.
“Are you here alone?”
“Now I am.”
Shannon frowns.
“Lots of creeps here tonight. Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“I always am, don’t worry. Thanks, tho.”
She walks towards the door.
“Come hang out with me and my friends. Drinks on us.”
How can she say no to that?
.・゜-: ✧☾ ☽✧ :-゜・.
Clover freezes. Ain’t no fucking way. Her ex-girlfriend, and her boyfriend - yes, the one she told Clover not to worry about - at the same gate as her. Waiting for the same flight as her.
She swallows hard. She remembers mentioning the audition to her ex, before the breakup. They decided to audition together. Even planned on going to LA together. She was also an aspiring actress.
That’s how they met, after all. In the theater club. Clover was in the acting group, and she was the group leader. The “teacher”. Now she’s sitting there with her boyfriend.
That bitch. Clover digs her nails into the palm of her hand. Unbelievable. Why can’t she just die in some accident?
Careful what you wish for.
Clover walks the beach. Her whole body is trembling and despite feeling cold, she’s sweating. Her heart races and she feels dizzy.
Why can’t she just die in some accident? She just did. If there is a God, then he’s cruel. She didn’t mean it. She didn’t want this to actually happen. Was it her fault? The crash? Was it her evil wishes that caused this?
No. That’s insane. That must be it. She’s going insane.
Her grandparents told her that’s what happened to her mother. That’s why she left Clover to live with them. She’s been so scared to walk her footsteps, to turn out like that herself. Yet here she is. No. She’s just stressed. Stressed and shocked. Of course. She just survived a fucking plane crash.
Clover sits down in the sand and gazes out at the ocean. They’re all beyond saving. It’s been a couple of hours since the accident that killed more than half of the passengers - her ex and the boyfriend being two of them.
And now they’re stranded.
.・゜-: ✧☾ ☽✧ :-゜・
Everyone hates her. She can feel the glares burn in her back as she nonchalantly walks past the survivors. If they want to panic, that’s on them. But not her.
She’s not the only one with that philosophy. By the plane wreck she spots a woman in the gazing sun. She’s on her back in a bikini, and next to her stands a brown-haired man with an annoyed expression. They seem to be arguing - or he argues with her, and she looks unbothered, that is. The blonde looks so familiar. Clover walks past her and her jaw almost drops.
“Shannon?”
She opens an eye and looks mildly annoyed to be interrupted again. A look of recognition is visible on her face.
“Clover?”
She never expected to meet her old friend like this. They’re sitting on the towel, talking. Shannon broke up with her boyfriend, and was on her way back to LA with her brother, when the plane crashed. Clover tells her about her own plans. With the audition, and even running into her ex.
“No way.” Shannon scoffs. “Small world.”
“I just feel like…” Clover bites her tongue. “...Nevermind.”
“What?”
“It’s just… When I realised what happened to her, I thought… What if it’s my fault? For wishing her dead?”
Shannon is quiet for a bit but then laughs.
“You actually believe that yourself?”
“I don’t know!” She hisses. Great, now she feels stupid. Her cheeks heats up, and not from the sun.
“Trust me… This isn’t your fault.”
“Thanks.” If only she believed it herself.
.・゜-: ✧☾ ☽✧ :-゜・
Amongst the chaos, Clover finds a new best friend. It’s weird, to have found someone that she trusts so much. Someone she just got to know, but who feels like an old friend.
The survivors despise them both, it’s obvious. But she couldn’t give less a fuck. She’s used to people not liking her. It’s nice to have someone to hang out with, though.
One night, they’re sitting by the campfire after the rest of the survivors have gone to sleep. The beach is more quiet now, since half of the survivors have moved to the caves.
“We’ve been here for a while now.” Shannon says.
“You think we’ll be rescued?” Clover doesn’t say it out loud, but she’s losing hope.
“I hope so.”
They’re quiet for a bit, both listening to the soft waves against the sand, and the sparkling fire.
Most of the time, they talk shit about the other survivors, or discuss life outside the island. They let each other in on secrets and even talk about the deep stuff.
Clover has never told anyone about her childhood. About her grandparents' control and neglect, how strict they were, and how much the three of them would argue. She talks about why - and how she became a veterinarian, and the dream of becoming an actress.
She even tells her about the meeting with her father.
It hurts to talk about it all, but it heals parts of her she didn’t know needed healing.
Shannon shares similar stories, but with her stepmom. She’s been neglected and poorly treated too. She tells Clover about her fathers death and how it affected her.
Their bond grows stronger and despite how shit their current situation is, Clover feels at peace.
And the secrets they tell each other? They promise each other to keep them safe - and take them to the grave.
.・゜-: ✧☾ ☽✧ :-゜・
The weeks turn into months, and things change. The group realises the dangers on the island, and that they’re not alone. Things are far more serious now, and Clover - begrudgingly - helps the group.
The day Boone dies, Shannon becomes distant. Clover is there for her the best she can. But the death of someone close to you changes a person.
They don’t talk about Boone. They barely talk at all.
Clover dips her feet in the water. It’s a hot day and the sun is burning.
“Hey.”
She turns her head and sees Shannon.
“Hi.” She says, feeling slightly awkward. She watches Shannon kick her shoes off and join her friend in the water.
“Sorry I’ve been so distant.”
“You don’t have to apologise. Really.” She swallows hard, before adding, “I’m so sorry for what happened, Shannon.”
“You’re a good friend, Clove.”
When Shannon rests her head on Clover's shoulder, she feels those weird, unpredictable emotions again. Her heart skips a beat.
“You too, Shan.”
.・゜-: ✧☾ ☽✧ :-゜・
“Come on, Shan! That makes no sense!” She walks quickly to catch up with Shannon.
“You don’t get it, do you?! I saw what I saw, Clover!”
“Walt is not here anymore! He’s on the raft!”
“I SAW HIM!” She hisses and turns around. Clover almost runs into her best friend.
“I’m not saying I don’t believe you, I just-”
“What, huh?!”
“It makes no sense!” Clover hisses.
“You’re just like the rest of them!”
Clover rolls her eyes.
“And maybe you’re delusional.”
The silence feels deafening. They’re both masters at hurting others feelings. Of saying stuff they don’t mean. Clover wants to apologise. And so does Shannon. But they’re both damn stubborn. Too similar to each other.
“I’ll prove you wrong! I’ll prove you all wrong!”
And so, she runs off.
If Clover knew what was about to happen next, she’d never question Shannon. She’d never doubt what she said - about seeing Walt in the jungle.
She should have tagged along. She should have been more supportive.
If only things were different.
But you can’t see the future, nor can you change the past.
Clover has been worried all day. She hasn’t seen Shannon since their fight yesterday. Where the hell did she go? She leans against a tree and bites her fingernails. The last of the pastel pink nail polish peels off.
The survivors around her are mumbling and gathered by the jungle. They’re all staring at something with horrified expressions. Clover stands up too and joins the group.
Sayid emerges from the junge, carrying…
Clover doesn’t realise she’s screaming. Everything feels numb. Shannon. Not Shannon.
She can barely feel the tears that run down her cheeks, doesn’t feel the arms that wrap around her and drags her away from Shannon's lifeless body. She keeps screaming and crying, and her gaze is locked on the dried blood on the white top Shannon is wearing, and her pale face.
Her whole world crumbles and all Clover wants to do is fall.
The next few days are a blur. She’s asleep one moment, and awake the next. People talk to her, but she doesn’t hear a word. She doesn’t talk back. She doesn’t eat. All she does is sleep.
A funeral is held, and Shannon is buried next to Boone. After the ceremony, Clover remains seated by the grave. The ground is wet from the rain.
Usually, she would care. She hates sitting down on the ground. But none of that matters now. Nothing matters.
When learning what happened to Shannon, she feels more present. She channels all anger towards the one that killed Shannon. Clover doesn’t care if it was an accident. Her best friend is dead, and it’s all Ana Lucia's fault.
The woman is part of the other group of survivors from the back of the plane. They’re the ones that found Jin, Michael and Sawyer and took them back to camp.
Shannon ran into them, and Ana Lucia mistook her for an Other, shooting her dead.
It was all a “mistake”, and now Ana Lucia, Libby, Bernard and Mr Eko are in their group.
Clover doesn’t trust any of them a bit. She confronts Ana Lucia one day.
But after the first slap, all the anger subsides. It’s not her fault, after all.
It was a stupid fucking accident. A self defense mechanism.
Nothing Clover says or does will bring Shannon back.
She’s gone, for good.
Clover sinks onto the sand on her knees and cries. For the first time in years, she cries around people. And she doesn’t care who’s watching. She lets it out.
.・゜-: ✧☾ ☽✧ :-゜・
They’ve been stuck on the island for three months now. Three months - one and half of them without Shannon.
Things have changed, once again. She tolerates the other survivors, and they accept her into the group. She helps Jack treat wounds, collects fruits for everyone to eat, and helps Sun with her garden.
The day Jack, Sawyer, Nova and Kate get captured by the Others, Clover takes over the Doctor role. She doesn’t want to, but besides Jack she’s the only one with medical skills.
The captives return. First Kate, Sawyer and Nova a week later, it’s Jack.
Jack, along with a blonde woman, who used to be part of the Others.
Juliet, her name is.
Things are so different now. Shannon is a wound that won’t heal, and probably never will.
But Clover decides to mourn in silence, and go back to being herself.
One day, she straightens her back and masks all her feelings behind that resting bitch face of hers.
This time, using the sass for both of them. Her own, and Shannons.
That way, she’ll always be with her.
.・゜-: ✧☾ ☽✧ :-゜・
Clover stands by Shannon's grave. She finds herself there a lot, when no one sees her. She updates her friend on the latest news. On the gossip and all the snark.
A branch breaks from somewhere behind her and Clover quickly turns her head. She exhales when noticing Juliet, but still gives her a glare. She doesn’t appreciate people sneaking up on her.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
She rolls her eyes and turns her gaze back to the wood cross with her best friend's name on it.
“I’m sorry for what happened. With Shannon.” The woman says.
“It’s been more than a month.” She replies coldly. She doesn’t need sympathy, nor pity.
“I know. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.”
Clover swallows the lump in her throat. Damn this woman, and her wise words.
“What are you doing here?” She asks Juliet, changing subjects.
“Just going for a walk.” She smiles sheepishly, “I’m not that popular. They don’t trust me.”
Clover feels a twinge of sympathy.
“I felt that. I’m not that popular either. And I’ve known them for a while.”
Juliet chuckles at her words.
“Tough crowd.”
“They really are. I’m sure they’ll come around. You seem nice.”
“So do you.”
Clover eyes her skeptically. Her cheeks get a pink glow from Juliet's words, and Clover hates her own reaction.
“I’m not.”
“I’ll have to be the judge of that myself.” She too looks at the graves of people they’ve lost since the crash. Far too many. “Have you eaten?”
“Huh?”
“It’s dinner time. Locke is preparing boar.”
Clover scrunches her nose.
“I don’t eat boar.” When Juliet frowns she explains further. “Vegetarian.”
“What do you eat then?”
She sighs, as if it was the dumbest question she’s ever heard.
“Not that much to choose from right now. Just fruits, vegetables…”
“I see.” Juliet tries a smile.“Will you join me for dinner either way? I could really need a friendly face.” She almost looks anxious to hear Clover's answer to the question. It somehow makes Clover warm up to her. She gives her a tiny smile.
“Sure. And I’ll just glare at everyone who dares to be mean to you.”
Juliet laughs.
“I appreciate it. Let's go.”
Clover watches her walk off and then tags along. Something about Juliet feels familiar. Familiar and safe.
Maybe this is the start of another friendship. That scares her.
She’s scared of trusting people, scared of opening up, and for the risk of losing them.
Like what happened to Shannon.
But she needs to be brave. So she takes that risk.
Because life goes on, whether you want it to or not.
It goes on, with or without you - no matter what.