Chapter Text
A camper van with a yellow plate was running through Baden-Wurttemberg’s fields with 5 people on it, a family of 5, two adults and 3 daughters. While two of them were playing Uno to pass the time, the other one was desperately looking at the phone’s clock and hoping that its battery could last at least up to their destination, which they would reach in 4 hours.
From the driver seat a voice came out, “sorry Soei, but I have to rest now. I’ll find a place where we can stay for the night.”
“Don’t worry dear. If you want, I can drive for you so we can reach Innsbruck today.”
“Are you sure? I remember yesterday you said that you didn’t want to drive a kilometer with the camper because you feared you could damage it.”
“That’s true, but seeing you drive all day gave me the confidence to try it. And actually, I also wanted to have a talk with one of my daughters. Come on Ravi, go rest now, you deserved that.”
“Oh thanks Soei. I’ll find a place where I can stop for a bit.”
“Well, since it’s also lunch time, we could go to some restaurant…”
“Sorry Soei, but I think I may sleep while eating, so I think it’s better if we grabbed something out of a supermarket or some street vendor, so we can eat inside the van.”
“You feel that tired? You should have told me sooner!”
After the quick stop, the Schoppenboers resumed their journey towards Tyrol, this time with the father sleeping, the two girls playing with a new game and the mother driving, accompanied by her daughter Maya, who was previously on the phone, but at the time of the exchange was forced to leave the phone behind. More than an hour passed before either of them spoke to the other one and by then they had reached Bavaria.
Since lunch, Maya had been wanting to ask her mother why she specifically requested her to sit in the front seat beside her, but when Soei ordered her to leave her phone in the back, she decided to suppress her curiosity and keep quiet for the rest of the trip. Soei was trying to find a way to mend their difficult relationship, but the moment she found herself alone with Maya, she couldn’t find the right words to express her concerns and fears, and so she decided to not speak a word, even though her plan was to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her daughter.
The silence, however, was too heavy for Soei and so she decided to crack the apparent stillness, but as she still hasn’t come up with the right words, she began with an awkward attempt to break the ice, “sooo Maya, did you like the thing we bought for lunch?” Despite her taking the first step, no conversation started and Maya seemingly ignored her. Soei tried again, addressing her directly, “Maya, are you here?” However no answer was given. “Maya?” In desperation, Soei shouted her name, with a hint of anger, “MAYA!”
The mother immediately regretted what she had just done and Maya jumped in fright, surprised by the sudden scream. “Why didn’t you respond to me, Maya?” Asked her mother, trying to sound as sorry and apologetic as possible. Maya replied that she didn’t intend to ignore her, but she was lost in her own world and for that reason she didn’t hear her. While Maya was effectively dissociating, she wasn’t honest with her intentions. Her plan was to ignore Soei for the rest of the journey, but since she was scared of her mother’s reaction to what had just happened, she reluctantly decided to satisfy her desire to have a conversation. She absolutely hated being shouted at, and so whenever it happened, she did her best to adapt to the situation so that she wouldn’t be shouted at again.
A voice from the back reached the two, “Mum, Maya, are you okay?” It was the blonde sister Coco who was asking, concerned with the sudden noise. Soei reassured her that it was because of the fact she felt nervous while driving the van that she overreacted to Maya not answering. Hearing that she was nervous, Coco and then Mymy, the other sister who was trying to emulate her, gave her words of encouragement, telling her that she had it under control. The mother thanked them and tried to resume the conversation she attempted to have with Maya.
“Soo, Maya… Did you like what we had for lunch?”
“You mean the Currywurst? Yeah it was alright. Why are you asking me now that more than an hour has passed since we had lunch?”
“Well… yeah. You’re right. I just wanted to make sure you’d enjoy the meal. You know, you don’t seem to eat a lot…”
“Haven’t you seen that I finished the serving? I ate plenty today.”
“I… see.”
While Soei was trying to change the course of the conversation, she couldn’t help but notice that Maya was oozing hostility, however was willing to close an eye to her behaviour and tried again to strike up a new conversation.
“Tell me again about your latest achievements, Maya.”
Maya was surprised by the sudden change of discourse, “what do you mean by that?”
Taken aback by her request for clarification, Soei tried to explain herself better, “well… what I mean is… that… Have you done something interesting recently?”
“What do you think? This is the first time I went outside since school ended, I… nevermind.”
Neither Maya nor Soei wanted to continue talking as the discussion came to a standstill, and so they opted to remain quiet for the moment and that gave them the time to reflect on their conversation. The mother was hurt by Maya’s behaviour and did not have the energy to try again, but despite this, she could feel that a seed of anger was growing in her. She suffered because of Maya and for this reason she wanted to somehow get back at her, but she immediately realised that she was indulging in revenge and reproached herself.
What an awful person I was going to become… Taking revenge on my own daughter? Am I becoming an evil person? I don’t like this…
Meanwhile, Maya was reflecting on her attitude towards her mother and was starting to feel regret. At the end of the day she was trying to make up for something, and if it wasn’t for the fact that she wasn’t in the mood to talk before, she would have probably tried to keep the talk. Maya could feel, in a certain way, that her mother was trying to be kinder to her and was feeling bad about their relationship. The daughter couldn’t help but feel guilty for having treated a person who was trying to reach out for her badly.
I… don’t feel anything for my mum, normally. Today, however, I’d lie if I said that I’m totally indifferent to her. I don’t really want to leave things like this, but… I don’t know what to say. I really want to add something to the conversation now, but I don’t have the courage. Gosh, I really hate how weak I am… but at least, I hope that, if mum spoke to me again during this trip, I’d be able to speak with honesty…
From the distance they could glimpse the mountains, a sign that they were already close to the border with Austria. Soei knew that in around two hours they would arrive at their destination, and since she didn’t want to waste the chance to have a one-to-one conversation with Maya, she tried once again to speak with her daughter.
“Hey… Maya. Are you… excited about our holidays through Austria and Italy?”
Thanks to her mother, Maya now had a chance to show herself that she can change for the better and that she can keep promises. However words didn’t immediately form in her mouth, and while she really wanted to say something, she couldn’t find the right words and feared that she would mess up even this time.
“I… I think– well…”
“Maya?”
What Maya couldn’t find were the right words to please her mother. The daughter had a negative opinion about this trip, but she wasn’t able to express it before and now she was stuck on a holiday she didn’t want to take, but she knew that expressing a bad opinion about it could lead to a discussion with her mother, and that was exactly what she didn’t want to happen.
Her mother insisted, “Maya, what do you think about it?”
“It’s that– I, I… I think that this trip… is–”
Soei put her hand on Maya’s shoulder, “Maya, I really want to be a person you can trust. I know you have probl– ehm, difficulty expressing yourself. Even if you don’t say anything, for now, it’s fine. But I really hope we could someday have a heartfelt conversation between mother and daughter. You can be yourself with me.”
Those words moved something in Maya, and in that moment she felt she could answer her question. She felt that she could give her opinion. The ghosts of the past were screaming to leave as it is, to not speak further, to accept the situation as it was, but Maya really wanted to break free from the chains of doubt and self hatred. Maya wanted to move forward, so she ignored those voices.
“The truth is… I don’t really like… the idea of this trip. I never r–really wanted to go to either Austria or Italy. I never had a say in the–the decision. You all have decided to go there because you wanted to go to Italy and Coco wanted to visit the Alps. I told dad that, if anything, I would have preferred to go to Norway or something like that in the north, but in the end you decided to go here anyway. But–but it doesn’t matter! I think that maybe I–”
“So, that was the reason you were unbearable throughout the journey.”
Maya was destroyed by her words, which were like daggers piercing her heart. She tried to open herself to her mother and she responded by insulting her.
“You know, Maya? I was wondering why you were fidgeting so hard and why you were responding to me so rudely before, and now I know why. I really wanted to go to Italy since we bought the van 5 years ago, and your father and I worked so hard to make a longer journey since money doesn’t rain from the sky. Coco won the regional rugby tournament and had a successful concert at the town hall last month, and so I wanted to reward her. You, what do you have to show? You didn’t do shit this year too. I don't want to hear any complaints from you.”
Maya turned her head in the opposite direction from where her mother was, in the case tears started to fall from her eyes. Now they were approaching the tunnel of the Germany-Austria border.
“And you know what else hurt me? The fact that you told only your father. I feel betrayed by you. Maybe if you told me this thing before, I would have tried to do something about it.”
Soei decided to ignore Maya for the rest of their journey, and as they entered the tunnel, tears started to fall, but fortunately for her, no one was there to look.
Oh, yeah. Now I remember the reason why I should never be honest with mum.