Work Text:
Sure, he had to catch up on inside jokes and adjust to new habits, but otherwise, for the most part, it felt like he’d never left. Adam fell into the band’s familiar ways and is adapting to their new ones, finding that at their core the boys haven’t changed that much. Brad is still the same old Brad, the rock of the group and the king of deadpan humor, Neil is still the same old Neil, a troublemaking hardworking jokester, and Barry is still the same old Barry, outwardly stoic but with a wild streak of his own. With the other three, it felt like coming home after a few years and finding your family is still your same old family. But Matt was a different story.
With Matt, it feels like he’s been gone. There are so many things that remind him, so many interactions where he’s painfully aware that he left and came back. Matt is still familiar of course, all the time spent growing up together and then touring together never went away, but he’s changed. Grown. It’s like missing a puppy grow into a dog or a bird learn to fly. He’s him but different.
The missing time never feels more obvious than when they have downtime before shows, and the anxious, introverted, Adam would even hazard to say skittish young Matt feels like a ghost story as the current Matt seeks out the others and talks and jokes and plays around, dancing and laughing, bubbly and smiling. His confidence level is night and day, and the gap between the two where he grew when Adam wasn’t around feels like the gap of a missing tooth.
While he’s settled back in with the others, getting used to seeing the extra tattoos on Neil, the greying hair on Brad, the beard growth on Barry, he’s still adjusting to Matt. It isn’t just catching up, it’s relearning who he is, like trying to reconnect with a childhood friend as an adult. Which, when he thinks about it, isn’t that far off from what’s happening. He knows him but he doesn’t know all of him anymore. The same eyes that used to stare at him over childhood toys then read over the lyrics they were working on together in their early twenties have a wisdom mixed in now, still bright but with a knowing to them that only comes with life experience. In return for missing out on that growth though, Adam’s given a fresher start with Matt than the others. It isn’t just learning a few new quirks and getting filled in on some stories, it’s another chance. There’s a space for him to start over in that gap.
There’s a lot of joking around between all of them as the group solidifies again. Behind the scenes antics of videos and recording sessions, reading comments and memes together, goofing off and eventually messing with each other, it all gets increasingly comfortable. Adam jokes about Matt preening, watching him as he adjusts individual strands of hair in the mirror so they frame his face just so, and Brad comes over to ruffle his brother’s freshly ironed hair with a “Looking good, bro”, all laughing as Matt tries to shoo him away before he does it again or turns it into a noogie. Matt dances next to Barry, some crazy off-rhythm moves that are endearing although they’d be better suited to a kid mid-sugar rush, while Barry idly does a lazy little shuffle in return, sipping his drink, trying to stay on top of dodging when Matt gets a little too into it and doesn’t watch where his arms are swinging. Neil and Matt pretend to box and when Neil lands a fake hit to Matt’s cheek, Matt acts like he’s been rocked by a devastating haymaker, until Neil patronizingly asks if he needs someone to kiss it better and Adam steps in as he’s walking by, puts a hand to the other side of Matt’s face to bring him in, and kisses his cheekbone before continuing on like nothing happened, smiling to himself when he hears the bubbly laughter behind him. They had never been a serious group of people, but Adam appreciates the antics more than ever. It’s like having all the cold water he can drink after years spent in the desert.
Adam was honored but shocked when he first heard that it was actually Matt’s idea to invite him to work with the boys again, and Matt keeps surprising him with his warmth. He’s fine with splitting singing duties on the new songs, doesn’t mind when Adam wants to sing one of the ones originally written for Matt’s voice, and doesn’t hesitate to sit beside him on video shoots, even when he has every right to be the one slowest and most reluctant to welcome him back. Matt went through hell on Adam’s behalf, and sometimes was Adam’s direct target. He never expected Matt to be on good terms with him again, let alone to be the one who offers his hand to invite him in.
At first it’s cordial, that awkward politeness of trying to reconnect with someone you haven’t seen in ages, let alone who did you wrong in that time. But as Adam starts to learn how to navigate the new dynamic and living with Matt for the first time, the warmth keeps extending.
Early on in the first tour as 2X it becomes apparent that the coffee rituals have changed since Adam was last around. Brad and Barry are still the earlier rises of the group, keen to drink an entire pot themselves if they’re not careful, while Matt is middle of the pack, much like Adam used to be. Unlike Adam back in the day though, Matt is kind enough to make a cup for both himself and Neil, who sleeps in as late as ever and appreciates coffee still somewhat fresh rather than reheating what’s already been out for hours or bitching about having to make his own. Adam and Matt find that they wake up roughly around the same time, alternating on who’s up first depending on the day, so they take turns pouring coffee for each other in the mornings, or what constitutes “morning” when you’re in a rock band. Their hands brush on accident once during a cup handover, Adam mumbling an apology and blaming his drowsiness. Then it happens a second time, Matt not saying anything and Adam’s “sorry” sticking in his throat this time as blue eyes blearily blink up at him paired with a small, thankful smile. Then maybe it’s not an accident anymore.
Further into the tour, Adam starts taking an interest in the whole body paint situation. He’s not new to makeup, but he’s never gone as all out as Matt does, painting himself with smudges and patterns and symbols that sometimes have a rhyme and reason and sometimes don’t. Each show is something different, like a chameleon changing its skin. Adam wonders if he’s ever repeated the same set of marks in the twelve plus years he’s been doing this. Maybe if Adam had been around all that time he would know. He shakes off the bitter thought. Matt’s unaware of the remorse behind him, busy adding some streaks on his neck, staring into the mirror as he works. He moves quick, an equal mix of practiced and just going with the flow, adding thin lines like hash marks in one spot then moving to add an intentionally streaky smudge in another. With his focus so honed in, it makes Adam jump when Matt asks, “Do you want to try some?”
“I- I don’t know what to do,” Adam stammers out, realizing he’s been caught staring.
Matt shrugs, gets another dab of black paint on his fingers. “Do whatever feels right.”
The rest of the band paints themselves whenever and however they feel, freely choosing to participate or not on any given night, but for some reason Adam feels like he’ll never get the opportunity again if he doesn’t take it now. So he hops up from his chair and joins Matt at the mirror. He looks down at the half-used tube, then at Matt’s reflection. Matt’s eyes flick from watching himself apply a streak to his skin to Adam’s gaze. “Grab some. Just not too much unless you want to cover a big patch.”
With the second round of permission, Adam feels comfortable grabbing the tube, though he’s still uncertain. “Does it stain?”
“Not really. You’ll sweat some of it off anyway.”
Adam nods and gets some on his fingers. He can’t tell if it’s a lot or not because he hasn’t been paying attention to how much Matt’s using, which is embarrassing to think since he’s been watching him put this on night after night now, but it feels like a small amount. He puts a thick streak of it on his forearm to test it out. Then another higher up. Then another on the back of his hand.
“There you go,” Matt says as he gets more for himself. He leans a little closer to the mirror to put some dots near his eye. Adam is distracted for a second before turning back to himself, wiping the rest of that glob onto his upper arm before going for more. By the end, Matt looks like he’s decked out in warpaint that has seen the battlefield and Adam looks like a child’s first fingerpaint project, but the way Matt smiles and gives him an approving nod gives Adam the confidence to try it again at the next show. And the next. And eventually ask for Matt’s help with the finer details. Matt is happy to oblige, like he thought Adam would never ask, painting the three claw mark logo cleanly on Adam’s upper arm before pausing, admiring his work, then wiping the excess off in a smudge on Adam’s throat. Adam swallows hard from the touch, hoping Matt’s fingers didn’t feel it before they moved away. Matt closes the lid after with a slight tremble in his hands that wasn’t there when he was painting.
They’re professionals, and while at this level it’s hard to have a bad show unless there’s a massive failure somewhere in the system of band, gear, roadies, and venue, some shows are better than others. Two-thirds or so into the tour they have one of those nights where everything feels aligned. The tech is as perfect as tech can be, everyone’s on their A-game playing, and the crowd is going wild. Every show Adam and Matt hype each other up, get the crowd riled for the other, and take turns shouting out the other singer, but this show is going so well that Adam leans into it, taking every opportunity to rally the crowd for Matt. Matt’s always fun on stage but with a slight bite to it, the attitude of someone with a job to do that they’re determined to do well, but his energy is amplified in return and he bounds and stomps and jumps around the stage a little extra. He adds extra flair as he plays his guitar. He holds tricky notes a little longer, screams a little louder. And when Adam goes in for a side hug towards the end of the set, putting an arm around Matt’s shoulders to cheers, Matt turns to give him an unabashed grin. It’s warm, appreciative, genuine, the kind that crinkles the corners of his eyes. Adam can’t help a broad smile back, feeling a little flutter in his chest.
It’s the last leg of the tour and while Adam loves what he does as much as he did on TDG’s first ever tour, he needs a little more caffeine to get through the later dates than he did in his youth. One by one, the others filter off to bed after the show. There’s still too much caffeine in Adam’s system to crash quite yet, so he settles into the couch, watching a hockey game rerun on silent as the bus quiets for the night. Once the others have gone, laughter replaced with snoring, Matt drops onto the couch beside him, giving a small nod and lopsided smile as a greeting. Adam returns it. They watch the game in a comfortable silence for well over an hour until Matt yawns. By the next commercial break Matt is rubbing his eyes, but Adam doesn’t ask if he needs to go to bed, letting Matt make his own decisions for one and selfishly wanting his company for two. A couple commercial breaks later and Matt’s chin is to his chest, arms crossed, breathing slow and steady.
Adam considers waking him up but knows sometimes falling asleep in random places is the best sleep you get, so he leaves him be, even as Matt starts to list to his side, increasingly leaning against Adam. He’s warm and smells like shampoo, hair curling as it dries from his nightly shower. Adam doesn’t know why he won’t just leave it natural but he doesn’t understand a lot of what he’s done with his own appearance over the years, so it’s not like he has a leg to stand on. Plus he knows he’s biased. Everyone gets to see Matt with straight hair, only the band and crew get to see the curly hair. Adam’s just being greedy, wanting to see it all the time, because he associates it with the sleepy, warm, coffee-making, lingering touch, gentle smiles Matt he’s come to enjoy. Though honestly, he enjoys every side of Matt he has the privilege of seeing. After all the years of drama and anger and hurt, these days he delights in getting to be around Matt. He’s still not sure he deserves it but he’s savoring it all he can anyway, the one presence that used to irritate him the most now as soothing as warm honey.
It’s not long before Adam is starting to doze off too. He should wake Matt up and get them both to bed proper, but he’s enjoying this moment, this contact, too much to bring himself to do it. Whatever they’re growing into, he’s honored to be here to witness it, if still a little shocked Matt is entertaining him at all. He rests his cheek against the top of Matt’s damp hair, the other’s chest rising and falling by his side, and feels himself finally lulled to sleep.
He doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on Matt growing anymore. Maybe he’s even the catalyst this time.