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bucky blinked, and he was in a opulent dining room, a long dining table in front of him, a small family of four huddled at one end, the end opposite to where bucky now found himself.
he scrunched his eyebrows, trying to remember where he was, and how he had got here.
there had been… blackness. nothing. before that- what? what had been before that?
he shook his head, trying to remember, before his attention was quickly drawn to laughter echoing from the end of the table, where the family was sat.
he made his way over, intrigued to know what they were laughing at.
as he got closer, he could make out each person more clearly. there was a middle aged woman, the mother presumably, with pearl earrings and a light blue dress that looked like it cost more than most people’s houses. across from her, a son and a daughter, both dressed in outfits that looked just as expensive, if not more, and both young. bucky would guess they both looked around ten, and they both had such wide smiles on their faces.
it was when he moved his attention to the man sat at the head of the table that it clicked, and he was suddenly filled with an overwhelming urge to get the fuck out of here.
he ran to the nearest window, trying to pry it open, but it wouldn’t budge, and that was when it happened.
the bullet rushed through the same window, through buckys apparently non corporeal form, and straight through the man’s heart. he fell to the table with a thud, and bucky winced as the screaming started.
he remembered that screaming. he remembered being annoyed at the inconvenience.
he tried to turn away as his past self smashed through the window next to him, heading straight at the poor family as they desperately tried to hide under the table, but something kept him looking, helpless to do anything but watch.
and he watched, as the winter soldier, as he dragged the family out from under the table, mechanically snapping the mothers neck first, before doing the same to the children- the poor children. their bodies were so small.
bucky knelt down, cradling their faces as the past version of himself left out the window, not a single glance back, not a flicker of emotion on his face.
bucky felt sick. he had felt this memory before, seen flickers of it in a nightmare, but never anything this vivid.
he could feel the snapped bones under their skin, could smell the blood pooling onto the carpet, the faint gunpowder smell that came with it.
it was like he was living it all over again, and it was horrible .
and it was as he sat there. silently crying over the bodies of the people that he had killed so ruthlessly, that it blinked to black again.
this time, he was in a hydra base, the cryochamber holding his past self right in front of him.
he looked around, trying to discern what on earth kind of torturous memory this could be, but there was nothing.
there was only two guards, asleep in their chairs, a few meters away from the cryochamber, and a scientist, busy at work at his station. he was muttering to himself, clearly panicked.
bucky walked up to him, until he was close enough to see his face clearly, and he was confused for a brief moment before a flicker of recognition made everything click, just like it had before.
he knew this scientist.
oh, god. he knew this scientist.
immidietly, he thought about running, but knowing that would be futile, what in this weird non sensical partly real, partly dream world, so he stayed put, feeling glued to the spot. there was no avoiding the events that were about to unfold.
he watched, again helpless, as the scientist pressed a button on his controls and the cryochamber started to unfreeze. he watched as the door opened, and the scientist ran over to catch his past self before he could fall. he watched as they limped towards the exit, his metal arm draped over the scientists shoulder, questions tumbling incoherently out of his mouth, all in russian, the man replying with quick, hushed answers in the same tounge.
“where-where are you taking me?”
“home. america. there’s someone waiting for you, he can help get you there.”
“america? home?”
“yes. you will be free soon.”
the scientist smiled, and bucky watched as recognition flashed in his past self’s eyes, and he immiditely straightened up, pushing the scientist off him. the smile slipped into an expression of pure terror as he fell, and as the soldiers metal arm grabbed him by the throat.
he tried to look away, to close his eyes, but the resounding crack that echoed around them made the image clear in his mind.
he peeled open his eyes, and the scene before him was so horribly familiar that it hurt.
the scientist, cold and lifeless on the floor, the expression of terror now permanently etched onto his face, and the soldier stood over him, completely blank, waiting for someone to tell him he was allowed to move.
the guards diddnt even startle, the scientist had slipped something into their drinks. of course, the soldier diddnt know that. he had waited for hours, stood in the exact same way, not moving an inch.
knowing no one was coming, that the only thing left in this memory was hours of stillness, bucky sat, crossed legged, on the floor in front of him, far away from the scientist, but close enough to see his face.
he stared up at this broken, empty version of himself, trying to search for any sign of a person in there, but there was nothing.
it was scary. it was fucking terrifying seeing himself like this.
he had never seen someone look so devoid of emotion. so empty.
he wishes so badly he could pull himself out of it, just snap his fingers and have it so it all ended here, but he knew that wasn’t possible.
he felt a tear streaming down his cheek as he watched himself, unchanging, completely blank still. he knew that this version of him wasn’t thinking anything, was emotionless, but he knew buried deep into his bones was terror. he knew he had been fucking terrified, even though he had been too brainwashed to even feel his own emotions at the time, it was the terror that was keeping him still.
the tears started coming in floods, and he couldn’t look at himself anymore.
he stood up, but before he could make a step the world turned black again.
now it was a house. there were voices in the other room. shouting.
this diddnt feel like a memory.
without thinking, he headed straight for the wall where the voices where coming from.
and burst straight through it.