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HiMERU left their dorm, shutting the door quietly, staring at the key they were holding in their hand. Slowly putting it into the keyhole, turning it, and pulling it away, hiding it in their pocket.
It was HiMERU’s birthday today. And HiMERU didn't want to celebrate it.
Every year, without fail, no matter how busy they were, they would go and visit the actual HiMERU in the hospital. It wasn't even their birthday today, it was Kaname's. That's why nobody else was notified about any celebrations, or maybe to buy a gift for them. Because they didn't like lying about this specific thing. How many more things will they steal from the poor boy? Kaname didn't deserve this. And HiMERU felt horrible.
“Happy birthday, MERUMERU.” HiMERU’s heart stopped, their hand twitched. The voice sounded familiar, coming from behind them. And, nobody called them MERUMERU other than Amagi, after all.
“HiMERU doesn't know what you're talking about, Amagi.” They tried to change the subject.
“M’kay then, happy birthday to HiMERU instead.” Amagi changed his approach.
HiMERU was on edge, not sure about how much Amagi knew. They decided to just… not question it, not wanting to make it worse. Amagi however, decided to follow HiMERU.
“Why are you coming with me?” HiMERU looked at Amagi, who was walking beside them.
“Well, where are ya going?”
To the hospital, HiMERU couldn't say that.
“Just leave the– him alone, Amagi.” Right. HiMERU didn't use the same pronouns as they did. They had to stick to it, for the sake of HiMERU’s persona. Amagi stayed quiet for a while, before speaking up again.
“Ya know, I'm aware of how much yer hidin’. I don't know what exactly, and I wish I knew, since I'm yer boyfriend after all, it's fine if you don't tell me, too. But yer facade is crackin’ recently, MERUMERU.” Amagi left it at that.
They have been dating for… a few months now. And HiMERU felt horrible for hiding so many things from Amagi, yet it was what they had to do. HiMERU’s persona had to be protected. But Amagi was also smarter than he looked - he knows more than HiMERU thinks he does.
“They, hm…” Amagi murmured to himself, probably thinking HiMERU wouldn't hear him. Why was he stuck on that? Why did he have to catch their stupid small mistake?
… Honestly, maybe taking Amagi to see Kaname wouldn't be such a horrible idea. Maybe he could make a trade-off.
“If HiMERU takes you to where he's going, will you stop being nosy about his personal life?” HiMERU turned towards Amagi, looking at him, hoping for a quick answer.
“Mm, aight.” Amagi answered, with a grin on his face. “Will ya tell me where we're goin’, then?”
“No. You'll see for yourself.”
The two left the dorms, with Amagi following behind HiMERU. He didn't seem very talkative or annoying today, which HiMERU appreciated, but they also thought it was pretty suspicious. Why was everything so odd about him?
“MERUMERU, ‘m hungry.” Amagi suddenly pointed out. “I didn't get breakfast.”
“That's not HiMERU’s problem.”
“No, it is! Dya want yer boyfriend to be hungry? Amagi pouted, pulling on HiMERU’s hand. “C’mon, there's a convenience store here!”
“Do you even have money, Amagi?” HiMERU didn't want to protest. They were getting quite hungry as well.
“Nn, not really, but ya do, don't ya?” Amagi pointed to HiMERU’s bag that they were carrying. Yes, there was indeed a wallet there, but how did Amagi even know about that?
They stood in front of the sandwich aisle, Amagi taking a look at everything, checking which food he was in the mood for. HiMERU didn't want to take too much time here, they weren't in a rush, but they would rather get to their destination sooner than later. Was Kaname awake today? Hopefully not. They didn't want to make him wait, but they also didn't know if making Kaname meet Amagi was a good idea, either.
“Ya want anything, MERUMERU?” Amagi threw a sandwich into the shopping basket that HiMERU was holding, stopping their train of thought.
“He'll take the same as you.”
They both left the store, enjoying their breakfast, as Amagi started going off about random topics, probably to lighten up the mood. HiMERU was feeling pretty down, after all. Was there anything good about visiting your little brother in hospital, when it's his birthday? Not really, no.
“Is the destination far away, MERUMERU?” Amagi questioned. Of course he was getting impatient, HiMERU was just dragging him along (it's not like they wanted to do that), and Amagi didn't even know where. HiMERU shook their head, before they continued walking again.
Their next stop was a flower shop. HiMERU didn't want to show up empty handed.
They would usually bring Kaname some sort of flowers, take them out when they wilted, and bring new ones on the next visit. It felt like a routine at this point, but HiMERU couldn't stop doing it. Someone could say it's silly, bringing flowers for someone who's not even aware that they're there. But isn't it the thought that counts? That someone thinks of the person, even if they don't know about it.
Sometimes, Kaname would wake up. Not for long, and he'd usually just scream and fight, until he fell asleep again. But HiMERU would like to believe that maybe once he noticed the flowers being there. Maybe once he noticed that someone thinks about him, wants him to get better, that he's not alone in that hospital room. It was this thought that kept HiMERU going.
But, they were also scared of Kaname waking up. It was selfish, it was pathetic. What would they do when he woke up, though? What would the rest of Crazy:B say about this? What would Kaname think about them stealing their life, changing HiMERU into something unrecognizable? Current HiMERU wasn't a solo idol anymore. Also, HiMERU had a boyfriend, which some people found out about. Kaname did not, but… Kaname was HiMERU, after all. Wasn't he? Whose boyfriend even was it? That's such a stupid question, but HiMERU was terrified.
They got used to this life already. They got used to being with their teammates, their boyfriend. But it was unfair towards Kaname, to take everything away. Steal everything without his permission.
“Woah, hey, MERUMERU!” HiMERU was suddenly roughly pulled back by their shoulder, stumbling into Amagi's embrace, after the man caught him, preventing them from injury. HiMERU had to blink once or twice to realize what was going on.
“Ya almost walked straight under that car, you idiot… Yer spacing out a lot, are ya alright?” HiMERU noticed the red light on the signalization, and several strangers giving the two concerned stares.
“HiMERU's… okay.” Because HiMERU needs to be. Because what they feel cannot affect HiMERU.
They pushed open the door to a flower shop, with Amagi following them, although seemingly confused. A nice lady greeted them from behind the counter.
HiMERU knew her well at this point. She was an older woman, working here every single day by herself, running the shop sometimes with some help from her son. She was always kind towards HiMERU, knowing that he has a “little brother in the hospital”.
“Oh my, you're with a friend today?” She asked, seemingly surprised, yet also with a smile on her face. “I'm glad to see you're not alone.”
“Yes, we're… going together today.” HiMERU nodded, pointing at flowers on the shelf. It was a bouquet of pink tulips - according to HiMERU’s limited knowledge, they symbolized affection, good wishes, and love. They were also really pretty, too.
“This bouquet, please.” The kind lady took the bouquet down, handing it to HiMERU, after they gave her the payment.
“We're leaving, Amagi.” HiMERU was about to exit through the door, as they gave a kind nod towards the lady, but they noticed that Amagi wasn't following. “Amagi–”
“I'll take this bouquet. An’ this box of chocolates.” He pointed at a bouquet of sunflowers, and a neatly decorated box of chocolates from a stand next to the counter.
“Huh?” HiMERU seemed confused. “Why are you…”
“I’m just doin’ what's right, yanno… Even if I don't know where we're goin’...” Amagi gave some pocket change to the lady.
“Oh my, did you not explain it to him?” The lady looked at HiMERU.
Of course they didn't. How could they.
They both left afterwards, holding their bouquets. Amagi stopped HiMERU in their tracks, holding out the box of chocolates for HiMERU to take.
“Birthday gift. It's yer birthday too, kinda. Just take it.” Amagi didn't seem like he would take no for an answer. HiMERU accepted the chocolates, with a bittersweet smile on their face.
“Thank you.” They didn't have anything else to add. They couldn't fight Amagi on this topic anymore.
Well. There they were now, in front of a hospital.
HiMERU took a glance at Amagi’s face. He wasn't making a weird expression, he wasn't confused. His face was at peace, yet a little saddened as well. Was he sad for HiMERU?
The two walked inside, the receptionist already knowing who HiMERU was planning to visit.
“Kaname Tojo. Both of us.” They sorted the formalities out quickly. The lady behind the counter nodded, giving them a spreadsheet to sign with HiMERU’s signature.
HiMERU could see that Amagi took a glance at it. This specific room had only their signatures, nobody else was visiting it. They were here once a week, sometimes twice. Sometimes even more, but that was pretty rare, due to his busy schedule. HiMERU wished they could visit more often, though.
“How is he? Kaname.” HiMERU questioned the receptionist. “Did anything change?”
“Not that I'm aware of, sir… He hasn't woken up since your last visit. He's stable, though.” The lady nodded.
“... I see.”
HiMERU walked towards the room, and stood in front of the door, hesitating. Maybe it's not too late to leave Amagi outside. Or were they being rude at this point? Amagi was their boyfriend, for God's sake, he deserves some explanation about HiMERU’s constant secrets and lies.
“Don't cause a ruckus, Amagi.”
“Who do ya think I am…”
HiMERU swallowed, taking a deep breath. They could feel Amagi’s hand floating behind their shoulder, most likely unsure whether they wanted comfort right now or not. HiMERU wasn't sure, either.
The door squeaked while opening, revealing a white, peaceful hospital room. The sun was shining brightly through the uncovered blinds, casting warm light on an unconscious boy's face. The boy's name was Kaname Tojo, resting in a coma-like state.
It was rare for him to look so… at peace. So relaxed, breathing calmly, with the heartbeat monitor going off at a steady pace.
Amagi wasn't saying anything. And HiMERU was grateful.
They approached the vase with dried flowers, dumping them into a trash can nearby.
“Can HiMERU leave you alone here, while he goes to get water?” They turned towards Amagi, not looking him in the eyes.
“Mm, of course.” Amagi sat down at a chair, next to the sleeping boy's bed. He was most likely trying to figure everything out quietly.
They went to refill the vase, coming back into the room shortly after, also seeing Amagi's warm expression while looking at the boy. It was an unexpected sight, since Amagi’s soft side was a rare one.
“Kaname, ya said?” Amagi pointed out.
“... Kaname Tojo, or…” HiMERU looked away. “Or HiMERU. My younger brother.”
Amagi looked at them, of course surprised, yet without an accusatory look. He was too kind to HiMERU sometimes.
Amagi scooted to the side, making more space for HiMERU. They put the flowers in the vase, taking Amagi’s sunflowers as well, which decorated the pink tulips nicely. The two kinds of flowers combined into a single, more rich bouquet.
“Thank you, Amagi.” HiMERU started, not realizing that they said it out loud at first.
“Mm? I don't think ya ever thanked me twice in one day before…” Amagi pointed out.
“Shut it. HiMERU’s just grateful.”
They sat down again, holding Kaname's weak hand. Their fingers hovering over his pale knuckles, gliding soothingly on his palm.
HiMERU leaned over closer, putting Kaname's hand against their cheek. The hand was cold, freezing cold. Lifeless, thin, weak, pale. Kaname looked dead from this perspective.
HiMERU couldn't help but tear up.
If they could've just done more. If they could've helped. If they were faster, if they weren't so weak back then. There's no way Kaname would accept who his brother has become, his idiotic older brother, stealing their poor younger sibling's whole identity.
Now the poor boy has been stripped away from having a peaceful life, and it was all their fault. The guilt was eating them from the inside, every single day when they looked into the mirror. They seem so alike, soon it could be hard to tell them apart. Although Kaname is much thinner, much more lifeless. It shouldn't be like this, nothing here is right, HiMERU shouldn't be here–
A warm hand wrapped around their shoulder, pulling them into a comforting embrace. And HiMERU couldn't help but just cry their heart out.
Their whole life was an illusion, hiding the truth even from their lover. It was cruel, living like this. But they chose this path, they knew the consequences. And they were weighing them down so much.
“It's alright, MERUMERU…” A kind voice whispered into their ear. “I don't know what's going on, but… I'm here. And I'm happy ya let me be here with ya, durin’ this day.” Amagi placed a kiss on top of HiMERU’s head, letting them softly cry into his shoulder.
…
“Happy birthday, to both of you.” Amagi quietly added afterwards.