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Shaking. Falling. Spiralling. Everything was all over the place and Bucky had no idea what had caused this attack. It was always some nightmare but why was this one so much worse than the others he had faced before? It was tearing him up inside. The way HYDRA used him. Abused him. Tortured him. Wiped his mind to ‘start over.’ Those thoughts would never be healed, they will always remain, because to Bucky, part of the Winter Soldier will always be part of him no matter what anyone else says. Part of himself shattered every time he looked at himself in a mirror. All he could see was a brutal, merciless killer. An object that was never meant to break like… This . A monster was all that he could see, it's what he expected everyone to view him as.
Cтоп. Cтоп. Cтоп. (Stop. Stop. Stop.)
Words repeating in his head, making himself spiral more. Those commands, mission reports, everything he had been through rushing back to him all at once with no way to let the emotions out safely. His breathing faltered then became quick without pattern. Stopped and started, again and again, until he didn’t know what it felt like to properly breathe, it was what he was used to after all. He had to get through everything without stopping, without hesitating, it's how he was made to be. Gods being alone in this situation really didn’t help. He needed someone… Anyone- Just to feel whole, just to feel something that wasn’t his pain and suffering.
Ты не заслуживаешь счастья. (You don’t deserve happiness.)
Phrases came and went like forgotten memories. He remembered all of them. Every single person he maimed and killed in cold blood. Regretting every single one. Hallucinating the blood on his hands which only managed to make him spiral more and Bucky didn’t think that it could get any worse than it did. A sharp pain rang through his left shoulder, his breathing ricocheting off of the walls as he could barely comprehend the pain he was in, he was made to not feel it, to not react to it. Being used to the pain was something that grounded him ever so slightly.
Bucky didn’t even realise he was in the bathroom. Laying haphazardly against the wall, the only things he could comprehend or even feel right now was the constant pain in his left shoulder, specifically where his bionic arm connected to his shoulder and the cold, damp feeling of the bathroom tiles. He was at a loss for what exactly happened to have him end up in the bathroom. Had he tried to find someone? Perhaps that was it, but why stumble into a bathroom? Why here of all places? Perhaps it was something that he’d need, or something that could just lead to his demise.
Being on alert was difficult, Bucky simply just felt the pain increase and the tiles get more wet and warm the longer he stayed here, still he couldn’t be seen like this, if someone found him what would they even do? Clothes felt damp, it was one other thing he could focus on… Yet there wasn’t any water on, at least not from what he could tell, if he could tell at all that is. So what was making his clothes feel so wet and damp? Barely managing to shake his head to keep himself conscious, to try and ground himself back into this reality he removed the feeling of the damp clothes beneath him. It could be anything after all.
As the pain grew, his hand began to ache, head throbbing, throat dry, yearning for something, anything that would be able to help him, but being alone in a bathroom didn’t do him any sort of luck, especially for his current predicament, all he knew about his surroundings is that he was alone in a bathroom. Was it his bathroom? He didn’t even know nor could he comprehend many of his surroundings at the moment due to the amount of flashing people and memories flooding back to him like a tsunami crashing its wave. The amount of blood he got on his hands was something he would never be able to lose.
Frantically, Bucky clenched his bionic hand and smashed it back against the wall as he threw his head back simultaneously, not caring about the pain throbbing through him or about the damage he just did to the wall. He shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be thinking like this. He shouldn’t break. He shouldn’t be so weak. Yet there was nothing that he could do apart from just feel. As much as Bucky wanted to do something, to feel something other than the pain and suffering he endured all those years ago. Deep down he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to get that, no matter how much he yearned for it.
“Barnes…”
Tony Stark. In the flesh. Of all the people he wanted to see at the moment, Tony may have been at the bottom of his list. But he wanted something at least slightly familiar. Bucky could see hints of Howard, maybe that was the reason why he managed to make his way over to Tony’s place instead of Steve's… Though it wasn’t that much on his mind right now, Bucky’s breathing grew heavier. Tony was standing there, seeing the terror scene before him. He was unsure where to even start to unpack all of this. Perhaps it was best to try and get Bucky situated somewhere comfortable and ensure that he wasn’t so… Panic-y.
Just as Tony took a step forward, Bucky’s hands reached up in defence, his legs curling in on themselves as the pain was sharp in his shoulder. Though that was when Bucky noticed all of the crimson blood spilling down his bionic arm. So that’s what the pain was about. He mauled himself to try and get rid of this arm. It was a symbol of HYDRA he didn’t want to bear. Knowing the fact that those monsters gave him this arm, technically were also the ones who saved him, he just couldn’t live with the fact. He never wanted to live with the fact that HYDRA was the only reason he was alive.
Fuck. Tony could only imagine just how fucked up HYDRA must have been for Bucky, yet he still couldn’t comprehend the bloody horror scene before him. Bucky curled up in the corner of the bathroom, blood spilling from the part where his bionic arm and shoulder connected. The fact it looked almost like it was being torn off, like Bucky had tried to tear it off just moments ago. Pools of blood spilled and patted themselves along the floor, the metallic smell of iron filling Tony’s senses. Glaring at the broken parts of the wall where Bucky smashed his head into them, then the broken glass on the floor… Did Bucky break in through the bathroom window?
“Just- Take it easy. There’s no threat here.” Spoke Tony, his voice soft and calm as he decided to simply sit in the doorway, to be eye level with Bucky as he watched the staggered breaths and painful movements each time Bucky tried to move away only to be led with more hurt and pain. “Stay still.” He spoke, a little sterner this time. He wasn’t in much of a mood for this if he had to be completely honest, but hearing a crash certainly woke him up and made him check on it and he was partly glad he did, but he would never admit that to anyone that he was with.
With Bucky slightly distracted by focusing on Tony, he managed to very slowly start to come to terms with his surroundings, everything was still spinning around him rapidly but he managed to identify a bit of them. He knew that Tony was there with him, even on the other side of the room, looking concerned and partly unbothered at the same time. But that was something that was completely normal for Tony. As much as Bucky hated to see it, he could see Howard in Tony. Very much so, it was obvious in some parts but others were harder to tell because he also took after his Mother. Bucky recognised Howards looks in him.
The silence was going on for too long, so Tony opened his lips to say something. “You know. I wasn’t expecting a super soldier to crash into my bathroom at three in the morning.” He was always saying the most out of pocket things, no matter the situation, it almost felt like a coping mechanism, but he also just wanted to be that jokester. It was for his ego, we’ll say. Tony looked at Bucky still, setting the fact that the man had stopped scratching at his shoulder, the bionic arm lay half torn from its socket, blood covered the connecting ball joint socket also spilling blood down onto the floor which dampened Bucky’s clothing. So that was what he was feeling after all. Meanwhile Bucky's other arm lay in his lap, the fingertips covered in blood and nails torn at, indicating that he was definitely trying to maim himself.
Trying to control his breathing, Bucky felt more of his surroundings start to come back to him. Fully making eye contact with Tony. “You shouldn’t… Be here.” Bucky managed to speak through haphazard words. Yet Tony wasn’t going to move, he needed this bathroom and he wasn’t going to let Bucky stay in it like this. “Yeah well you broke into my bathroom so it’s sort of my problem.” Tony was never the ‘comforting’ type of person to say the least. He always dealt in things with jokes, or yapping about his ego, so the words were something that Bucky was simply used to.
With his legs feeling tight, Bucky tried to move them, only for his legs to twitch slightly as he leaned backwards against the wall, taking into consideration about the head-sized hole that he left in Tony’s bathroom without realising that he was banging his head on the wall over and over and over again until he felt like he was about to break himself. Bucky was used to that after all. Being snapped in half and then built up again, but this time was different… Much much different. This time HYDRA wouldn’t be able to build him back up. He’d have to be alone to do that. To be able to try his best to rebuild himself the best he could. To rebuild himself the best he can to be able to be a good person again.
“Well. We need to get you out of here, you’re bleeding all over my walls and floor. C’mere.” Tony spoke within the silence that lasted more than a couple of minutes. He was more cautious about Bucky bleeding all over his floor and having to clean up the broken tile, additionally he’d also have to replace the window which is even more of a bother, rather than the fact that Bucky was in his room at a time like this, especially since he looked like a beaten ragdoll. Reaching over and slowly wrapping an arm underneath Bucky's, he helped him off of the floor. Bucky practically had almost all of his weight leaning onto Tony without even sensing it, even though the super soldier had tried to stand up on his own, he was simply too exhausted to do it himself.
Bucky’s head hung low, glaring at the floor to try and take steps forward as Tony led him out of the bathroom and into the kitchen of the Avengers Compound. Managing to take a seat, Bucky moved his bionic arm to lay on the countertop as he simply glared at Tony then looked away. He couldn’t bear to see himself like this. Especially in front of Tony of all people. Bucky knew what he did to him and his family. It never left his mind no matter how much he tried. It was his fault and he knew that. So many things were flowing through his mind right now as he tried to focus on Tony’s voice. The only thing that could ground him for a moment. “Why?” Those words fell from Bucky’s lips as he finally was confident to look at Tony.
Both of them looked at each other as Tony just sighed and reached for a first aid kit. “Didn’t want you dying in my bathroom. I have business to do there, you know?” Tony chuckled to himself, thinking he was making a good joke about the whole situation to boost his ego. No matter what excuse Bucky gave for being in his bathroom, he didn’t want to believe it, though even Tony was unsure why he didn’t want to believe it. Either way he wanted to get this over and done with so that he could go back to bed and so that Bucky would leave. Dealing with the cleaning of the bathroom could be done in the morning when Tony had some well rested sleep.
Tony was seemingly walking away to grab something, while Bucky was unsure what that was, he remained on guard. Even though he knew this place, recognised it even due to the amount of time he’s been here with Steve, also considering the fact that he managed to temporarily live here even after all the damage that he had done. It was still shivering him with a hint of unease, as if Tony was going to do something, stab him in the back or what-not. It’s what Bucky was used to so he expected it around every corner. From every one who he thought wanted him gone, out of commission for good. But despite everything that happened with Tony he hadn’t once tried something like that.
Coming back with a toolkit and basic medical kit, Bucky flinched away when Tony came close. “Fuckin’ hell Barnes. Relax. I don’t want to kill you.” Tony scoffed softly as he pulled out something to start cleaning the blood from where Bucky’s bionic arm connected to his shoulder. “You do realise that in order to help you. You got to stay still?” Tony spoke up once again, rolling his eyes as he watched Bucky flinch every so often when he touched somewhere he knew he shouldn’t. “I know.” Bucky stately bluntly, yet he couldn’t help himself. Some part of his programming was still in him. It was still there, even if someone tried to tell him otherwise. The Winter Soldier was still a part of him, even if nobody else could see it.
“Good. Then stay still.” Quickly finishing up cleaning the blood from Bucky’s shoulder, Tony’s hands traced over the metal of his bionic arm. “This’ll need to come off.” Tony stated, watching Bucky look at the arm and then at Tony. “Doesn’t come off.” He responded. Tony was unsure how to proceed. But he could be just fine with this. With a sigh escaping Tony’s lips he simply grabbed the toolbox and opened it. “Welp. This is going to hurt then.” He spoke nonchalantly beginning his work though making an effort not to cause too much harm. He’d already been hit from that metal arm before, he really didn’t want it to happen again in a place like this. If something went wrong here then disastrous things could happen to either one of them, whether it would be an accident or not. Then they’d both be fucked.
No matter how gentle Tony was, Bucky was always flinching and flexing, sometimes watching his metal hand clench into a fist when Tony hit certain nerves while trying to reattach it onto his shoulder. It was all in a good night's work for Tony, knowing that he hadn’t really been used to this kind of technology but it wasn’t that hard to be able to adapt to it. Especially considering the fact it was technically for someone close to the team, so he could suck it up just this one time for his teammates. But just this once. He wasn’t going to let himself get caught doing this again for someone. Considering his ego, Tony didn’t want to be seen as a ‘nice guy’ per-se. He was the guy who managed to build weapons, things that the Avengers needed to be able to do their missions. He was even one of the people who designed the Avengers compound after all the crazy situations in New York.
“You know. For a Soldier, you flinch a lot.” Tony spoke without really thinking about the consequences of his words. “Being tortured and brainwashed does that to you.” Bucky responded casually as if it was the norm for him… Because it was, it was normal for him to get tortured and brainwashed back when he was The Winter Soldier. But he was a different person now. Right? “Haha. Yeah.” Tony spoke with a soft chuckle. He didn’t demean Bucky or downgrade him in any capacity. Just treated him like he treated Banner back on the ship when they were trying to figure out how to fight Loki. “Felt freeing… Didn’t it?” Tony suddenly spoke up. A soft sigh escaping his lips. Realising he could slightly empathise with Bucky’s situation of escaping HYDRA.
“What?” Bucky spoke up. The pain on his mind simply vanished as those words were so sudden and surprising. “I was glad to escape HYDRA… If that’s what you’re asking.” He responded once again, watching Tony’s facial expressions carefully. Looking for a sign that he was faking, or purposefully letting a guard down for whatever reason. “I get it.” Tony finally responded. “I was kidnapped too.” Again, here he went, making it about himself. If Bucky knew anything about Tony, it's that he said almost anything to get an ego boost… But this seemed genuine. “You were?” Bucky spoke up, wanting to know more to see if this was actually true about Tony. If it was… Maybe they could learn something new about each other.
“Yeah I was.” Tony spoke up again, chuckling softly as he continued his work on connecting the arm back up to Bucky’s shoulder. “This group is called the Ten Rings. Used my own weapons against me. Stark Industries used to manufacture weapons, believe it or not.” Tony spoke about it so casually… just like Bucky would talk about his traumatising past so casually… Maybe the two of them weren’t so different after all. “So they took you?” Bucky paused for a moment, taking this all in. Leaning more about Tony was something that perhaps needed to be done in order for their friendship to grow, even though both of them didn’t think of the other as a friend.
Tony chuckled softly for a moment as he tried to find the words. “I was testing something for the military. The Ten Rings ambushed our way back and tried to blow me up. Got shrapnel in my heart because of it.” Tony explained. Looking down at his arc reactor for a moment, tapping it as he spoke his next words. “They’re the reason I got this thing.” He spoke once again, Bucky’s eyes widened slightly at that information. That incident basically made him Iron Man… Made Tony for who he was. It was a lot to take in but he was paying attention to as much as he could. “You have shrapnel in your heart right now?” Tony sighed when he heard those words Bucky had said. He simply nodded. Giving Bucky all the explanation he needed.
Unsure how to respond, Bucky simply glared at Tony’s arc reactor on his chest. Unsure whether or not to say something else about it, or to reveal some more about himself. “So. What about your kidnapping? How'd HYDRA get you?” Tony spoke after moments of silence. It seemed to jostle Bucky back into reality, he didn’t even notice that he had been dissociating until Tony had said something. “Ah. Right… I fell from a train.” He explained. “Me and Steve… We were tasked to infiltrate a train. A blast knocked me out. Steve couldn’t get me in time. I fell down the mountain where I was then taken by a HYDRA scientist… I can’t remember his name but… It was horrifying considering I lost my arm.”
Tony simply shrugged. “Yeah. That’s rough.” He spoke for a moment as he finished the work onto Bucky’s arm. “Anyways, you’re all done. Give that arm a spin.” Bucky blinks for a couple moments. Caught off guard by Tony’s sudden change in attitude as if they didn’t just trauma dump to each other a couple moments ago. Getting up from the seat and giving himself a bit of room, Bucky swung his arm rapidly once to recalibrate it back into the way he liked it. He nodded and simply stood there for a moment, unsure how to thank Tony other than a small nod, which Tony simply reciprocated. It was a small act but it meant a lot to the both of them considering they didn’t usually get on due to their past.
“I should… Get going.” Bucky spoke up after all of the silence. Unsure how else to end the conversation apart from just leaving. “Don’t smash into any more windows. Barnes.” Tony spoke once again before cleaning up the counter as Bucky simply turned on his heel and walked out of the kitchen. Making his way back to his room… Maybe he should go back and talk to Steve about all of this… Would he even want to know?