Archive of Our Own

Clowning AROund

Callie slurps her soda as she keeps reading her new script. She got the lead in Angry Clowns VS Killer Wails and Callie loved those books as an inkblot. They're planning to put in big musical numbers, and Callie's never been more excited. She's already memorized the song about tracking down killers. She can't wait to learn knife-throwing. She's dreamt about honking her giant red nose. She was born to play Paddy Whack.

Sure, they may be making a new story for the movie instead of copying one of the books, but Callie doesn't care. This will be great. Taking the clown car through city streets with the entire clown precinct crammed in with her. Using acrobatics she learned from the trapeze artists to break into the inn rooms while her trusty sidekick Inkzo juggles a distraction...

--- They kiss.

No.

No, they do not.

Callie rereads the page, just to see if she misunderstood. Paddy's true love is comedy. She and Inkzo are friends. Inkzo helped Paddy earn her red nose in the first book. Paddy rescued Inkzo's trusty pet sealfish from becoming sashimi. There's never been even a hint of romantic tension between them.

---They kiss.

Callie throws the script across the room. It hits the wall with a satisfying thud and falls to the ground. None of the pages fall out.

Pity.

Marie knocks—Callie knows it's Marie, Marie knows she doesn't have to knock, so Callie must sound particularly angry. “You okay?” Marie calls through the door.

Callie gets out of her comfy script-reading chair, kicking the reclining part closed before yanking her door open. “I need something stronger than soda for this.”

“Milkshakes it is.”

This is why Callie loves Marie.

Marie leads her into the kitchen, where Callie sits at the table and sulks while Marie starts up their blender. Callie makes grabby hands at the shakes when Marie brings them over, grabs hers, and slurps through the straw until she has brain freeze. “Ow!”

“Every time!”

“It's tradition.” Callie clutches her head with both hands and groans.

Marie laughs at her. “So, what's got you so angry you're throwing scripts?”

Callie closes her eyes. “It's stupid,” she mutters. “I should've expected it.”

“Don't tell me they made the clown-detective chapter books into a gritty R-rated mess.” Marie slurps her milkshake. “That'd be like Fresh Fish in Friday the Eighth.”

Callie chuckles. “You say that like Fresh Fish isn't already a murderer.” She reaches into her milkshake with her fingers and pulls out a chunk of strawberry. “No, they added a romance between Paddy and Inkzo.”

Marie raises her eyebrows. “I'm not surprised. They'll use any excuse to add a romance for mass appeal.”

“Not my appeal,” Callie snaps. She shakes her milkshake. “And if I don't like it, I know others don't. I thought, I was finally getting a big role without a kiss, and then they shoehorn Paddy in with Inkzo.”

She sucks down her milkshake, gulp after gulp, until brainfreeze hits and she has to stop and clutch her head.

Marie watches her. “You spent three months trying to set up Pearl and Marina without realizing they were already dating, so I know you don't have a problem with romance,” she says. “And you like kissing—”

“I like mistletoe,” Callie protests. “There's a difference.” Her head feels better, and she leans back in her chair. “Romance is fine, I guess,” she says. “I'd rather have a milkshake. And I really thought I wouldn't have to kiss anyone, it's part of why I took the role. But I hate that there can't be anything without it, and I hate that they ruined perfectly good found family to shove romance in.”

Marie takes a sip of her own milkshake. “So, are you going to complain about it, or do something about it?”

Callie smiles.

“We need to talk about the kiss,” Callie says, walking straight into Director Hamill's office with a suitcase.

“What about it?” he says. “You're a seasoned actress, it goes with the territory. And this is aimed at kids,” he says. “There won't be any tongue.”

Callie thanks Cod for small favo—wait, she's getting sidetracked. “The problem,” she says, “is you're taking a romance-free franchise aimed at inkblots aged eight-through-twelve and made romance the most important feature. Not the crime investigation, not the zany circus antics. Romance.”

“Well, yes,” he says. “The romance market is a huge, dominating force. We'd be fools not to play into it.”

“Romance fans,” she says, “are not the ones who want to watch the clown detective series. Children are. And any fans of the series will be upset to see it ruined like this.”

He rolls his eyes. “Adding romance isn't ruining anything, Callie. You're being ridiculous.”

“I'm fine with romance,” she says. She thinks. “Just not between Paddy and Inkzo.”

“The two main characters have plenty of chemistry—”

Callie's used to agent work and dynamos, but it takes both hands to swing her suitcase onto his desk, where it makes a very solid thud and explodes at least one pen. She unzips it with a flourish, revealing books. Many, many books. Not every book in the series, but all the ones Callie owns. “You want this to have long-standing appeal, you wanna stick with the books,” she says. She grabs one at random, hoists it up, The Case of the Red Herring. “In this one, Paddy calls Inkzo her brother in make-up.” She grabs another. “Inkzo refers to Paddy as his sister in wigs.”

“I don't see what this has to do with—”

“In the very first book, and this movie's supposed to smash together the first ten, the Clown Cabal has them sign a contract of core values.” She opens the book to the appropriate page. “It notes that anyone in the cabal is family, and should be treated appropriately.”

The director shoves at the suitcase, but isn't strong enough to move it. Callie rolls her eyes and rezips it before swinging it off. “You think you know better than our script writers? Fine,” he says. “The author didn't negotiate for right of rejection on the script, so legally I can't contact her. We'll start shooting other scenes, and you've got a week to convince me of something else.”

A week. Not what Callie hoped for, she was hoping to get rid of the kiss entirely, but it's her best shot.

CallieOfficial: Hey fans, weird request and I don't want you to read too much into it.
CallieOfficial: Some of you have asked me why I don't take advantage of my fame
CallieOfficial: Free tickets to Wahoo World or meals at restaurants or whatever
CallieOfficial: Well, I'm gonna try to take advantage today
CallieOfficial: because my ten-year-old self always wanted to meet Beta Sakana
CallieOfficial: her books were my FAVORITE.
CallieOfficial: anyone out there who can make that happen?

SquidSurfer: Omicod the clown books? I loved those!

InkEater: I got a signed copy from when I was nine.

LuckyLia: They're part of the reason I learned to juggle.

MarieOfficial: Seriously, Cal? This is your big plan?

ClownCabal: I think I can help you out. DM me.

If you'd told Callie that ClownCabal was actually run by her favorite childhood author, she would've laughed at them. As it is, Callie signs autographs for each of her grandsquids and agrees to attend the birthday party on Saturday. And only fansquids a little.

“Honestly, I was surprised to have you seek me out,” Beta says. She pours Callie another mug of tea and puts a plate of fresh baked cookies on the table between them. “I know lots of kids read my stories, but it's still a surprise to be called a favorite author, and I've been a fan of your group for years.”

Callie's ears twitch and she can feel herself blush. “You have?”

“Absolutely,” Beta says. “I love fresh takes on old things. Calamari Inkantation's a song as old as ink, it seems, but I don't think I'd ever heard it remixed, just updated with new instruments or changed to a new key. You and Marie are evolving it right along with us.”

Callie takes a sip of her tea to keep her composure. “Thanks. I loved your stories as a kid—still do. The ideas that you can use the ridiculous to cover up evil just as easily as you can use normal life comes into my mind a lot. ” Like whenever she's with the NSS.

Beta smiles. “I'm glad.”

“I didn't just come here to get to meet you, though,” Callie admits. “It's still a secret, but I've been cast as Paddy in the upcoming movie, and they're trying to put her in a romance with Inkzo. I'm trying to figure out how to stop it.”

Beta snorts. “Should've expected it, really. Honestly, they should be thankful for the representation.”

Callie frowns. “Representation?”

“When did you stop reading the books?”

Callie thinks back through all her copies. “I think I was on forty-eight or forty-nine when I learned to shift and became too interested in turfing. Not much time to read between that and a singing career.” And the NSS.

“And children aren't known for picking up on subtext,” she agrees. “You should reread them at some point, Inkzo's downright flirting with the Mime Marauder.”

The villain in at least half the books, a key member of the Silent Saboteurs behind most crime in Comedy Land, and the overall villain of the movie. “Oh, that's excellent,” she says. The director can set Inkzo up with the villain and leave her alone.

“Of course, they may still try to set Paddy up with someone,” Beta says. “Asexuality isn't as easily spotted as other sorts of queerness.”

Callie frowns again. “Wait, that's in there?”

“Wouldn't be surprised if you hadn't heard of it.” Beta adds sugar to her tea. “Most people see it as celibacy, if they've heard of it at all. She's aromantic as well, look them both up. There's a reason she'd rather watch comedy than romance.”

Callie takes a deep breath. “Sex is fine, but I prefer cake to kissing,” she says, and swallows. She's not out to many people.

Beta reaches across the table to cover Callie's hand with her own. “You may just be perfect for the role, then.”

“It's a big thing,” Callie says.

“You're making it bigger than it has to be, Cal.”

“I'm not!” Callie spins around and paces the other way. Marie hates when she does this, going up and down the hall like a caged lionfish, but this isn't a conversation they could have outside even if it weren't raining. “Coming out is huge.”

“It wasn't huge when it was—”

“I didn't get halfway through the sentence when you told me you knew already, rolled your eyes, and said I wasn't blaming you for the mistletoe.” She stops pacing to flop on the couch, where she turns squid and curls up in Marie's lap like Judd. “You were easy. You were safe.”

Marie doesn't say anything, doesn't move, and Callie uncurls enough to look up at Marie and see her staring straight ahead, wide-eyed.

Callie smacks her with a tentacle. “Don't do that! Of course you were safe. You're my sister.”

Marie flushes green and runs her hand over Callie's head. “Thanks,” she says, coughs, and clears her throat. “It means a lot.”

“It was also a lot easier than coming out to gramps,” Callie admits. “I explained it, and he just nodded and said he was sure I'd find the one. I don't think he got it.”

“He's been asking me if I prefer chocolate or strawberry ever since I came out as bi,” Marie says. “He's kinda behind on that. But he cares.” She rubs Callie's head again. “Quit changing the subject. You've come out before.”

“But it never stops,” Callie says. “I'm tired of doing it, every time, all the time. I don't think Deep Cut even knows, I mean, it's not like I walk around going 'Hi, I'm Callie Cuttlefish, singer and actress, and by the way if I was ranking my favorite activities kissing would be somewhere between bike rides and sky diving'?”

Marie snorts. “Oh, you should try that. I wanna know the full tier list.”

“I'm serious,” Callie says. “It's worse because there's no one to point at. Everyone knows Marina and Pearl are gay, like they knew Gentleman Googoo was gay, and there's lots of press whenever a trans person is hired for a trans role. I don't exactly have anyone to look to for how to be aro, and even queer spaces expect you to always be ace along with it!” She covers her face with her tentacles and presses herself further against Marie.

“No,” Marie says. “But you could be the example.”

Callie considers that for a moment. Be the example...

“Hundreds of people already look up to you for being an awesome singer, and actress, and peppy fun personality,” Marie adds. “Why not add something else to that?”

“Some people may hate me,” she mutters.

“So?” She strokes Callie's head again. “Some people will do that no matter what. Just like they hate me for stupid squit. First rule, remember. Don't read the comments.”

Callie knows.

“And if it'll help, I'll start doing a queer day on my podcast,” Marie says. “I do ten episodes a month, making one episode about gender issues would give me more material.”

Marie's helping her, again. She takes a deep breath and uncovers her eyes. “I can do this,” she says.

“Course you can,” Marie says. “You're Callie.”

Unexpectedly Queer Clown Cabal!

Callie Cuttlefish's ARO To The Bullseye!

What's the A in LGBTQIA? It Sure Ain't Ally—Just Ask Callie!

Opening Night doesn't involve the red carpet, but this still feels big. Callie takes a deep breath and studies herself in the mirror.

Pink dress with black sequins, the reverse of her Squid Sister's outfit but longer, with a sheer black cropped sweater covering her arms and back. Marie's in a matching outfit beside her, as her 'date', because Callie can't imagine doing this without her.

Marie nudges her with one elbow. “You ready?”

Callie opens the bottom drawer of her jewelry box. A number of earrings, each just big enough to be noticed, greets her. She pulls out two different ones. A flag, green jade white gray black. And an arrow, just to drive the point.

Her.

Marie reaches past her, grabs her two earrings, and does the same.

“Yeah,” Callie says. She takes a deep breath and lets it out, loosening her shoulders. “I'm ready.”