Chapter Text
The bargaining stage of grief is characterized by attempts to negotiate or make deals , often with a higher power , one's self , or even fate - in an attempt to lessen the pain of loss or change the outcome of a difficult situation.
He still couldn't process what happened as reality
as the truth. It felt like some kind've sick joke , some nightmare he never would experience the pleasure of waking up from /& something he'd blamed on himself the wound was still fresh. ‘What ifs’ plagued him whenever he was alone in those moments too quiet the kind've quiet that fed into your subconscious mind playing tricks on feeding off of your guilt and shame.
Maybe if he hadn't pushed her, maybe if he had said something differently she'd still be here. Not wrapped
in cloth stored in the morgues freezer body still contorted unnaturally bones jutting out where they shouldn't be yet had no other choice but out. There wouldn't be smeared blood on the mat he wouldn't
taste the scent of rot on his tongue , never would've been in the hospital's reception wing.
Most nights were spent awake staring at the empty space beside him, spaces that once inhabited another person's warmth nights spent talking about their future together without a care or clue in the world, that something might change that. The rest he managed was shy of 3 hours often awoken by nightmares - that same scene replaying over and over in his sleep deprived state, each time more graphic than the last.
He had found himself pleading with fate to bring her back, despite never considering himself a believer. Praying to any god that would listen to bring her back undo his mistakes, give him just one more night one more day with her /& talk her out of what he had encouraged her to do after expressing she wasn't
ready, that something felt off.