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SO I’M GOD
Chuck nervously smiled as the others came into the room. Cas was holding Dean’s hand which made his heart melt. After years – centuries – of not being involved in his children’s lives, getting to live with two of his sons was a dream come true. He waited until they were all sat down before speaking – Dean and Cas sat together, not openly cuddling but still, their legs were touching and they were still holding hands, Gabriel was sat cross-legged on an armchair and despite the other available seats, Sam was sat on the floor in front of him.
“So,” Chuck said, “I guess you’re wondering what this is all about.” Dean nodded, eyebrow raised, and he chuckled, wondering if it was too late to pass this little meeting off as something trivial. He could ask them for his advice about his writing or…no, he had to do this. If he didn’t tell them now, he never would. “I think, uh, Cas, knows-”
“Is this about me and Cas’ relationship?” Dean asked. “Because that’s none of your damn business. And you better not write about it.”
“Uh, well, it’s kind of my job to write your lives,” Chuck said. That was another problem that would pop up once he revealed his true identity. They would ask him why he wrote about them, claimed to be a prophet, but the truth was he didn’t know that he was God. Not until Castiel died, killed by the archangels, and the grief had unlocked something in him, like a key turning in an ancient lock. The biggest secret in the universe, he had written in his journal when he’d found out, is that God is real.
“What is this about then?” Sam said. Chuck glanced over at him, shock flitting across his face as he saw that Gabriel was practically combing through Sam’s long hair with his fingers. Dean snorted in amusement when he saw the sight and Sam’s cheeks went red but he didn’t pull away from the archangel’s touch.
“So, I’m God.”
Dean laughed then froze. “Wait, what?”
“Are you serious?” Sam turned to face Gabriel. “Did you know?”
“N-no, I had no idea that…” Gabriel took a deep breath before locking eyes with Chuck. “Father?”
“It’s been a long time since you’ve called me that,” Chuck said, unable to stop his eyes welling up with tears. He didn’t know why the angels were so cold-natured and unfeeling when humanity came naturally to him.
“You lied to us,” Dean almost spat out, angrily. “You didn’t help us. You didn’t help Cas.”
“Dean,” Cas said, soothingly reaching out to touch his boyfriend’s hand.
“No,” Dean moved away, standing up to be face-to-face with Chuck. Not for the first time, Chuck regretted his true vessel not being a bit taller or at least more intimidating. “I get that you’re God but I’ve got a little experience with deadbeat dads and you’re no better than my own. You abandoned your kids for centuries. You let Lucifer start the damn apocalypse. Let me and Cas get trapped in Purgatory. Let the angels fall.”
Chuck flinched away from Dean’s unwavering glare. He had helped, as much as he could, but he knew it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. No matter how many times he resurrected Cas, how many times he zapped Sam and Dean to safety, how many problems he solved, he wouldn’t be enough because he’d left his children without so much as a goodbye. He regretted that, of course he did, but nothing he could do would change it. “Do you not think that I hate myself for that?” Chuck said, bitterly. Sam had stood up, behind Dean almost protectively. “Do you not think I would do anything to change everything that has happened? You can’t change destiny.”
“We did,” Sam said, quietly.
Chuck smiled. “Yes, you did, Sam, and you always believed in me, even when Cas had lost hope.”
“Father-” Cas said, stepping forward. He stopped when Dean grabbed his wrist.
“I don’t blame you, Castiel. I’d lost hope in myself too. I can only hope that you will all let me show that I want to help,” Chuck said, hopefully. Sam nodded, almost determinedly, eternally loyal, even when his world was burning, even when he was leaping into Hell with Lucifer sharing head space, even when his brother was lost to him, over and over again. Chuck didn’t deserve that kind of faith. He could only hope that the resolute belief Sam had in Chuck’s intentions would be changed into love or at least adoration and transferred to Gabriel. Speaking of Gabriel, the archangel had been surprisingly quiet, still sat on the chair, biting his lips. “Gabriel?” Chuck said, cautiously.
“Why?” The archangel choked out the single word as a sob.
Chuck felt his heart slowly breaking.
“Why did you leave us? Why did you not try to talk to us? Why did you not say goodbye? Why did you let Michael cast Lucifer down into Hell? Why did you let the Winchesters die again and again and again? Why did you not come to me when you resurrected me? Why did you not help when my own brother was killing me?”
“I-” Chuck hesitated, feeling words escape him, feeling his hands shake. Nothing would excuse this. What could he say? He had to leave. He couldn’t deal with them looking for him. He didn’t want them to feel pain when he said goodbye. He thought it was the right thing to do. It was part of the Plan. He knew that Gabriel would be furious at him. He didn’t want to have to hurt Lucifer, one of the few people left in the entire universe he still loved. The list of people he loved was short: Lucifer, Gabriel, Castiel, Michael, maybe even Death, his favoured Horseman. The Winchesters were slowly creeping onto the list as Chuck got to know them.
“Gabriel!” Sam yelled and Chuck realised that, with a flap of his wings, Gabriel had vanished, leaving behind a single golden feather floating to the ground. Sam picked it up and walked out of the room, mumbling what Chuck assumed to be prayers for Gabriel to come back.
“You gonna disappear too?” Dean said to Cas, eyes softening as he looked from Chuck to his angel.
“I’ve known for a while, Dean,” Cas said. For a second, Chuck was ready to push Cas out of the way as he saw the anger settling on Dean’s face but then the oldest Winchester turned to Chuck and he realised that the anger was meant for him, on Cas’ behalf.
“I’m seriously considering punching you in your omnipresent nose right now,” Dean threatened. Chuck felt a laugh bubble out of him, hysterical. “But, for Cas, and because you could probably kill me with a blink, I won’t.” Dean smirked. “I have a lot of questions for you.”
“And I’ll be happy to answer them, all in due time,” Chuck said. “Right now, I am dying for a glass of strong alcohol.”
Dean shook his head in exasperation. “You’re God…I mean, dude, you created this whole thing. So no excuses for not cleaning up, anymore.”
“You’re acting a lot nicer than I thought you would,” Chuck said.
“Yeah, I think I’ve mellowed,” Dean said. He leaned back and kissed a silent Cas on the cheek.
Chuck grinned. No matter what things he saw, how many souls he saw bonded and broken, the most beautiful thing in the entire world would always be the look on Cas’ face when he was with Dean.