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Jax’s POV
Sleep does little to pass the time within the Digital Circus, but when my desires for violence have been quenched, I return to my dreams so I can see them once again.
Every night I go to sleep, Ribbit is there waiting for me.
I wish with every pixel on my body, that there was a way I could take it back.
But it’s pointless to linger in the past. All I can focus on now is surviving this hellscape of a circus.
My manic personality keeps the others at an arms length.
Ragatha and Zooble despise me, while Kinger and Gangle are freaks.
Easy to read. Easy to please.
When Pomni arrived she threw a wrench in my perfectly functioning system. Always inserting herself into other people’s business, always trying to comfort the others on the verge of their meltdowns like a certified therapist.
I always thought her concerns would only be extended to the “nice ones” but today she surprised me. In my attempts to understand her better, I let my own guard slip away.
Dare I say it, but I think I actually enjoy her company.
“Well, I guess I should let you get some rest.” Pomni’s voice cut through my thoughts.
We were standing in the hallway of rooms, she was looking up at me expectantly, waiting for me to answer her.
“Ah. Right yeah. See you around Pomni” I grinned, ruffling her giant jester hat before disappearing into my room.
At last, I could relax and get some sleep.
While Zooble seems convinced Caine would never actually do anything to hurt us, it still bugged me how he was able to get into my head like that.
The only person in charge of my brain should be me! I argued to myself internally.
Content with my assessment, I drifted to sleep plotting sick ways I could get back at Zooble and Gangle for that stunt they pulled today.
My dream started as it usually did. Ribbit was there, we were getting up to our usual antics when the dream took an abrupt turn.
They were running ahead of me, but something else was holding my arms back. No matter how much I struggled I couldn’t escape it.
It seems like someone is in need of an attitude adjustment Gangle’s annoying crybaby voice chimed from the abyss that now surrounded me.
“C’mon Gangle, this isn’t funny anymore. Quit it!” I yelled, struggling against the inky black ribbons.
We’re just having fun Jax, I forgot you hate fun Zooble’s monotoned voice called out, but it was different than usual dripping with undertones of malice.
I quickly realized, whatever it was I was standing in, the ribbons were dragging me under.
“I TOLD YOU TO [BONKING] STOP—” I demanded, sinking further into the sludge.
I held my breath as I was abruptly pulled under, and as I rose out of what I understood to be soil, I found myself lost inside an expansive corn maze.
“Oh [BONK] you guys can’t be serious! QUIT IT WITH THE CORN!” I snapped, rushing through the fields, desperately searching for an exit.
There were no signs of Zooble or Gangle, but I could hear someone shuffling in the stalks behind me.
I could hear her mumbling too.
Over and over again, like whispers in the wind, I could hear it.
Not anymore. Not anymore . Not anymore. Not anymore . Not anymore. Not anymore
Her voice was getting louder and louder until I was so disoriented that I ran face-first into a scarecrow.
Only it wasn’t a scarecrow at all.
It was Ragatha.
Distorted and screeching. Abstracting right in front of me.
“You just act like you never do anything wrong and EVERYBODY loves you when in REALITY you just [&#@*$&#!?] everything up for everyone else!”
I screamed, flinging myself out of bed, and almost clipping through the floor before landing squarely on my [BONK].
“For [BONKs] sake…” I groaned, hugging my knees to my chest, folding my ears over my eyes.
I sat on the floor for what felt like hours, rocking myself back and forth, trying to get myself to calm down, trying desperately to convince myself to get over it, that it was just a dream, but I was shaking uncontrollably.
Maybe everyone was right about me. Maybe I make everyone’s lives worse.
But that doesn’t mean I want to die, even if there was a time I thought I deserved to.
On instinct, my ears perked up when they heard a faint knocking at my door.
I cursed under my breath, before forcing myself to my feet. Cracking the door to my room open, as I expected, there was a short jester waiting for me.
Pomni’s big spiral eyes were dilated and concerned.
“Are you alright? I thought I heard you s—-”
“NO no no no you didn’t hear anything that was just, I talk a lot in my sleep. It’s nothing to worry about. Very normal for me”
“But, you sounded distressed , Jax, like you were hurt.” Pomni protested.
“Golly you must be reeeaally worried about me, maybe you were having a dream about ME” I chuckled, trying and failing to change the subject.
“I’m not going to leave until I’m convinced that you’re actually okay” Pomni asserted, a cute pout forming on her pale face as she crossed her arms over her chest.
Frustrated, but also not wanting to go back to sleep, I decided to step out of my room and into the hall.
“Fine, clearly you’re not going to drop this, and I’m not getting any sleep here anyway, so let’s just hang out in your room” I deadpanned.
“My room? Why?” Pomni asked, following close behind me.
“Just keep your voice down, or you’ll alert Caine” I shushed, gritting my teeth as I pulled a key out of my pocket, and invited myself into Pomni’s room.
Pomni’s room looked pretty much how I expected it to. Letter blocks were scattered across the floor, the red and blue walls matching the color of her outfit. There was even a spare hat on the vanity which amused me.
As I was scanning the room, I heard Pomni shut the door behind us.
“Okay, now that we’re alone, what was that all about?” Pomni repeated. Her voice was soft yet stern. As much as she tried to hide it there was still concern apparent in her eyes and her body language.
“It’s nothing, I just need a minute. I’m fine” I replied, as I took a seat on the red arm chair, allowing myself to be eye level with her.
“You don’t look fine, Jax.” Pomni pointed out, resting a gloved hand on my knee, I flinched, pulling away.
“S-sorry” She mumbled, pulling her arm back. “You can tell me when you’re ready.”
Pomni stepped away, giving me space, and seating herself on the bed. She didn’t try to fill the empty silences the way Ragatha would. She didn’t doodle incessantly the way Gangle would, or judge me silently like Zooble.
She just sat there, patiently, waiting.
It was terrifying as much as it was comforting. It was terrifying how much I wanted to be vulnerable with her, even after everything I’d been through, knowing the cost of getting too close to people trapped within the circus.
Still, against my better judgment, I started talking.
“If you tell anyone about this I will kill you”
“I won’t tell a soul” Pomni promised, drawing an x over her chest and putting her right hand over her eye.
Cute I found myself thinking. Nevermind, now I think I want to throw up.
“I had a…” I muttered, gritting my teeth, pulling one of my ears over my lips.
“What?” Pomni asked, tilting her head to the side a little
“I had a night…” I grumbled, sinking further into my chair.
“Jax, I can't hear you” Pomni repeated.
“I had a nightmare okay! A really bad one. [BONK]” I whined, burying my face in my ears.
Nevermind, I take it back. I want to die now.
“Ohh” Pomni giggled, which I found a little patronizing but she quickly back pedaled “I had a nightmare on my first day here if that makes you feel any better”
“What about?” I asked, and she started wringing her hands again.
“You, Ragatha and Caine were there…I was abstracting…and no one cared enough to try and save me…I was just…sinking into the void.” She recalled faithfully.
“Oh…what was I like…in your nightmare?” I pressed, letting my ears go, instead wrapping my arms around my legs.
“You kept saying my name over and over again, but as I was sinking…you said that you couldn’t remember…”
“Oh.” I answered, staring at a spot on the floor.
I could feel Pomni’s gaze linger on me, anxiously watching for signs of whether she said the right thing or not.
“My nightmare was…similar.” I admitted, finally “only I wasn’t the one abstracting.”
“Oh.” Pomni echoed, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright. You weren’t one of the people tormenting me anyway” I replied.
She paused, reflecting over her words for a long while before asking the question that weighed so heavily on her.
“What do you like about tormenting people?”
It wasn’t the question I was expecting, but she wasn’t accusing me of anything either.
Instead, she seemed genuinely curious, still trying to understand how I functioned here.
“I like having fun, I told you already Pom Pom” I answered plainly, but Pomni and I knew that wasn’t the whole truth.
“Well, whether you want to admit or not, maybe your nightmare is trying to tell you not to throw people out of moving trucks”
I scoffed, but Pomni continued.
“You can still be an [BONK] sometimes but maybe just not all the time?” Pomni offered.
“Sage advice” I replied sarcastically.
She sighed “I’m really trying here, Jax.”
“Don’t, I’m fine. I don’t want to change” I said curtly.
“I know that being vulnerable is uncomfortable for you, but—-”
“WOAH WOAH where did you get that from?”
“—I appreciate you being honest with me”
“You’re…weird.” I answered.
“I think we’re both weird,” Pomi replied, mirroring her response from earlier “Do you think you’ll be able to fall asleep now?”
“What? And go back to my room?” I shot up in my chair, a little too quickly.
“Hey, relax, you don’t have to go back yet.” Pomni rephrased, holding her hands up to calm me down. “Stay as long as you need to”
I cleared my throat, trying to regain some of my composure.
“Cool cool, yeah, I knew that.”
Pomni grinned, knowing full well how performative I was being, but she said nothing as she went back to sitting on her bed.
I noticed while she made herself comfortable, she was leaving a bit of extra space.
“What are you doing?” I pressed, caused Pomni to freeze up, her sentences becoming choppy as she grew more flustered.
“I don’t know—-I’m just—I thought maybe you would—this was silly I’m sorry I just”
“Ohmygod—Shut up!” I groaned, putting my gloved hand over her mouth.
She went silent, and even I was having trouble forming words considering how close I suddenly was to her face.
I let her go, kneeling at the side of her bed.
“S-sorry.” She murmured, again, wringing her wrists “You’re just so tall, and that chair can barely fit me so…I wasn’t sure if you’d be more comfortable here or there…I just wanted you to have the option—”
“Why are you so nice to me?” I drawled.
Pomni paused, looking me up and down before she responded.
“I don’t know…I guess I just understand what it's like to lose someone close to you so suddenly like that…and I know how isolating this place can be, I just don’t want anyone else to feel the way I felt here…”
Against my better judgement, I found myself climbing under the covers, leaning back against the headboard.
“Not a word about this to anyone”
“Of course, yeah…” Pomni nodded, playing with a strand of her hair that stuck out of the hat.
It was quiet after that. Neither of us were comfortable, but we also weren’t comfortable enough to break the silence and switch positions.
Eventually, once my legs had fallen asleep, I caved.
“Pomni, this isn’t comfortable at all.”
“Y-yeah it's not” She admitted, not attempting to come up with an excuse.
“Can I just…try something?”
“That depends…” She drawled suspiciously.
I grumbled, turning so I could lay on my side “If you’re not comfortable spooning with me I’ll just sleep in the chair”
Her face became flushed once again, “I guess we could try…as long as you’re not weird about it”
It was awkward at first, but eventually I was able to get into a position where I could rest my head on top of her hat, and my legs were curled around her small body. Spooning with Pomni was kind of like cuddling with a beachball, and yet I could feel the tension in my shoulders dissipating as I settled into the bed.
“Is this alright?” I asked, and she nodded.
“This is fine, Jax” She replied softly, hugging her pillow close to her chest.
I couldn’t see her face from where I was lying but she sounded as if she were falling asleep herself.
I decided not to press further, trying not to focus on the fluttering feeling in my chest as I drifted back to sleep.