Work Text:
I hate these cold hands. The life that I want to live has been taken from me ever since I was born. Everything that I touch is doomed to perish, no matter its stage of existence. As I walk, a young girl calls out to me in the distance, but is quickly shut up by her mother. Probably for the best. Every night I watch from afar the young girls who sing songs and hold hands around the bonfire laughing and smiling—I wish I could join them. I stand alone in the mirror holding dead twigs in each hand dancing and singing by myself trying to recreate that feeling, but it’s not the same. I envy those girls who can be so carefree and sing and dance without a care in the world. It’s not about how I can’t be carefree or sing songs by myself, but I yearn to do and experience these with others without my hands being a burden. Because of them, I cannot connect, I cannot touch, I cannot feel. I will always walk this life alone with no one to accompany me. I stroll in the cemetery, where no one will be affected by me, yet I hear an old voice calling out to me in the distance. I look over to see that young girl from years ago turn into a wiser, older lady. She comes over to greet me, but I instinctively back away trying to spare her life. However, she kept insisting on getting closer, and closer, and closer, until our noses were only a few inches apart. She looks me in my eye with a warm smile and asks, “You have treaded your life all alone for so long, how do you endure it?”. I tried to avoid her gaze and respond but I could only mumble out incoherent words. Her gaze on me never faltered as she took another step forward and embraced me into her arms. I again tried pulling back but her arms wrapped around me tightly. The old lady said, “We must all go eventually, so please embrace me how you want to embrace those people who you think are out of reach”. Finally, I wrap my arms around the lady and sob bitterly in her shoulders trying to savor her warmth as she starts to decay, until there is nothing left to hold. Even after being shown care and warmth from another person for the first time, I know that it was an ephemeral relief that I would never obtain again.