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It's 2:00 a.m and Syoya keeps rolling in his bed, even if he can't keep his eyes open and his sheets feel more comfortable than usual, he just can't sleep.
And he's genuinely tired of it.
He can't help but remember his whole day, it reproduces just like a movie, repeating every tiny step he took during his day, every right step and every wrong step.
But what affects him most is the fact that he thinks of someone in particular, or rather, a boy in particular.
Syoya wouldn't say that he was a person who could be considered "normal", firstly because he didn't feel the need to put those kinds of labels on himself, and secondly, because even if "normal" people existed, he definitely wouldn't be one of them.
And, it is something that has become very clear to him recently, because, he definitely does not feel "normal" when he is with Sukai.
Sukai, Kinjo Sukai, a pretty name for someone much prettier, that's what Syoya thought about him.
Well, Syoya thought too many things but he usually didn't used to say that , because, oh, he's definitely not telling Sukai how happy his mere presence makes him, he's not telling him how much he misses Sukai when he doesn't attend classes and doesn't have a bench mate to bother, he's not telling him how much he longs for it to be the next day and they share their lunch while sitting under the shade of a tree .
He's not telling him a lot of things that his heart already knows but his head can't bring itself to accept.
Syoya doesn't know if he'll ever be ready to say it out loud, but the longer it takes, the more his heart yearns for him. Even if he tries to ignore what he feels, he’s just a guy who wants to feel love.
His whole mind is impregnated with the image of Sukai hugging him closer to his chest, the image of Sukai squeezing his cheeks and telling him that he looks like a bunny, the image of Sukai being so close to him that he could swear that if he came a little closer they would end up kissing.
A kiss, what would it be like to kiss Suki?, a shiver slips from his head to his feet when he thinks about it, and, not because kissing him was a bad thing, but because the more he thinks about it the more he wants it to be a reality, even if he doesn't say it, just imagine Sukai’s lips touching his own, to feel the grip of the highest on their cheeks, just thinking how sweet he can taste, their cheeks warm up and soon blush.
But again, all he can do is imagine, think, and rolling in his bed creating fictional scenarios, maybe that's his punishment for not being honest with himself, for not being honest with Sukai.
And in one way or another it hurts, because Sukai is the only one who is honest between the two. Even if Syoya steps back, Sukai decides to wait for him, never presses him or asks him more than Syoya wants to give him, waits patiently for him.
Sukai is not a fool, he definitely knows a little about Syoya's feelings, only the part that Syoya decides to show him, the little moments where he decides to take risks and jokes stop being and become an unspoken truth, a truth that only Sukai could understand, because, no one in the world understands Syoya better than he does.
Syoya tries to be the most faithful to himself, not letting others' looks make him feel intimidated, not letting meaningless words become a reality for him. Although, it is difficult when he has everyone saying that he is not supposed to feel that way, what can he do when even he cannot control his own feelings? What can he do when all he wants is to be able to tell Sukai everything his heart hides?
The nights feel even colder and darker when he thinks about it, when he thinks about the moments when he has a slip, showing more than he should, saying things his head didn't plan to say, getting even closer to what is properly needed. When he thinks about all that, he get so scared that he only thinks about ways to avoid feeling like that.
But when he thinks of Sukai, he also feels warmer and happier, when he thinks of the moments that go by together, when he remembers how cute he looks every time he smiles, when he remembers Sukai's touch on him, when he thinks of how much his voice likes him and how much he wants to hear a little more. When Syoya thinks of Sukai, the answer is so clear, but he doesn't know if he's willing to take that risk.
How can Syoya feel so contradictory when he thinks of the same person?
Syoya is not normal, he knows he never has been, and probably never will be, but Sukai is not too, so why does it take so much to say it out loud? why can't he accept the reality before his eyes?
Why can't he just let things flow and just time take them where they have to go?
Syoya looks back at his clock, it's 3:00 a.m and only has three more hours of sleep left, then, after whipping a couple of tears and writing a little in his diary, he turns off the light on his nightstand and sets out to try to sleep for the third time at night.
Syoya's last thought brings him back to the beginning, Sukai, it's all about Sukai, it's all about the internal conflict he faces for loving him, for wanting him in a more intimate way than friends usually do, it's all about the sweet and sour moments he lives through, it's all about a silent truth that's not yet encouraged to be revealed.
He may one day be honest with himself, but until that day comes, his diary will continue to be filled with the name and memory of Kinjo Sukai.