Work Text:
end of september 2002
The front door opened with a creak, causing the ruckus in the kitchen to silence. James had not seen Regulus since the last time he came to visit Harry three weeks ago. Sirius sat with Remus at the kitchen island, holding the young boy.
The divorce left both of them wrecked from skin to bone. It only took five months after the marriage for everything to fall apart, and James will never forgive himself for not noticing the signs before then. Now, Regulus cannot visit his son. He cannot leave his home, he cannot hug James, he cannot see his brother. He simply cannot live.
“Hone– Regulus?” James’ voice broke. He wasn’t ready for this. He never would be.
“I– Hello. It’s nice to see you again.” Regulus did not so much as look away from James for two seconds, eyes locked on his. He was dressed in a large sweater, one of James’, and jeans. His hair was freshly washed, eye bags prominent beneath his blue eyes; his face was completely different.
Harry jumped up from Sirius’ lap, excited to see his father again. Tears prickled behind James’ eyes, but he did not dare look away for a second. “Papa!” Harry screeched, grabbing at Regulus’ knees. He picked him up swiftly, carrying him back carefully to the kitchen counter where they all sat.
When rehab first began, Harry struggled not seeing his father, and James struggled not seeing his soon-to-be ex-husband. Once Regulus was able to come see his son without risks, he was too weak to pick him up. At the time he told James he had to go and couldn’t stay for long. It was a clear lie, made to help them both pretend the present was not such.
“Hi, Reggie.” Sirius scratched the back of his head, looking his brother up and down in sorrow. “It’s nice to see you again.”
“I’m sorry. You know it’s tough sometimes.” Regulus tried to put on a fake smile, but he was never good at real ones in the first place. They both looked away, happy to pretend this was all a dream. “James?”
James perked up with alarming speed. “Yes?”
“I hate to ask, but do you perhaps mind if I have a drink before I leave?” James nodded, going to the fridge with speed.
“How’s orange juice? I bought it for Harry, but you know how he can be. It’s yours if you want it.” A slight nervous chuckle escaped from his lips. He wanted it to be normal again. He could not allow this to become their new normal. Not at any cost.
“Thank you.” He poured a glass, sliding it across the countertop. “Can we talk?”
Every time, without fail, they talked. Whether it was one minute or an hour, they took the time to talk because they always wanted to, and it gave them a reason. James walked to the living room in silence, leaving Sirius and Remus to handle Harry.
“Listen, Reg, I know you didn’t want to see them because Sirius still drinks and Remus smokes, and they try to stop, but they won’t. I’m sorry, but please, please, please forgive me. We know you got sober.” He broke into tears, not allowing himself to do more than just that. “We’re just glad you could visit.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I meant to come earlier and see everybody because you had that party, correct?” James nodded. “But I couldn’t. It’s only been six months, and I still can’t do it. It's unfortunate, you know?” His eyes began to glaze over, leaving them both in tears.
“Oh, my love, why’d you go? Why did you have to leave us?” They both cried, one in silence, one in soft yearning.
“Mhm, mm-mmm.” Regulus wept, barely able to make a sound.
***
start of april 2002
“Regulus, we need to talk.” James’ words came out clear and concise.
“No.” Regulus slurred somewhat, though it was practically indistinguishable from how he normally spoke. He was good at playing the part, not allowing anyone to see what was truly going on.
“You get drunk and get drunk and then get drunk some more, and I can’t do this on my own.” Regulus just groaned softly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I said through sickness and through health, but I cannot even get myself through the sickness anymore.”
“Then don’t.”
“What?” James croaked, adjusting his glasses.
Regulus finally looked up from his glass. “Divorce me. I cannot be the perfect husband, and you will never be able to live with that, because nobody will ever be able to live with the fact that I’m not perfect. Just leave me.”
James choked, a sob already building. “Surely you don’t mean that? Merlin, you need sleep.”
“I do mean it. I would mean it even if I was sober.”
***
end of december 2002
Regulus tended to reflect on who he was as a person very often, especially after the divorce. If he didn’t tell James to divorce him and if he didn’t drink like he died yesterday, he wouldn’t feel such an immense hatred towards himself.
As he walked towards his old house, he scanned the yard. Harry’s bike lays against the house, his sandbox toys scattered throughout the grass. Regulus longed to be back in this house every day, cuddling with his son on his couch as his husband made dinner. The last time he visited, it was freshly fall. Today, snowfall began.
The front door opened effortlessly, unlocked for him and always for him. The sound of warm laughter echoed from the living room. Regulus slid off his shoes, slipping his hands into his coat pockets. He approached the group slowly.
On the low couches sat all of James’ friends, even Regulus’. Sirius and Remus, Peter, Lily and Mary, Marlene and Dorcas, Pandora, Evan, and Barty . The room went silent as he walked in, all turning towards Regulus. It was noticeable how they slowly hid their drinks or tried to hold themselves together even with their floaty attitudes.
“Regulus!” James grinned, large and warm. While everybody else kept their heads down, James made Regulus feel welcome. It was the first time he smiled in months. “Come with me, I have a drink for you in the kitchen. Would you mind staying, just for a bit?”
“It wouldn’t hurt.” Regulus’s cheeks flushed softly.
***
It ended up being more than just a bit, seeing as everybody else left, leaving James and Regulus to talk while Sirius and Remus slept upstairs with Harry. Spending time alone felt wrong in many ways, but something about that night was right in many ways too.
“Love, I feel like I’ve been ready for you to come home for so long.” James rubbed his thumb up and down Regulus’ palm, taking in what he could. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too, baby, me too.” Regulus sighed, laying his head on James’ shoulder. “It’s been far too long. I regret it all, every day.”
James sniffed, eyelids slowly drooping. “A year tomorrow.”
“Happy anniversary. I will never forget the few months we had.” The two clinked glasses, both filled with a citrusy drink. They finished a whole jug of orange juice that night.
***
end of april 2002
Regulus slid the paper across the table. “I signed everything I needed to. Your turn, James.” Although Regulus began going to rehab, the divorce was already being settled, and he was adamant that the two go through with it.
“I won’t sign them, Reg. You can’t make me. You don’t want me to see you like this? Fine. But I refuse to leave you because times simply got tough.” James slid the papers back, taking his glasses off to place his palms on his closed eyes.
“You don’t want me drinking? Fine, I won’t, but you can’t stop this, James. We’re ending this marriage because if we don’t, I will only hurt you more. You can’t take me at my lowest.” Regulus threw the pen at James, and it slid across the table, bouncing onto the tile floor of the kitchen. The pieces broke apart, spilling ink slowly.
“I can take anything as long as you let me. Just let me hold on a little longer.”
***
end of may 2002
“Here’s your ring.” Regulus tried to place the velvet box in James’ hands as they walked out of the courthouse. James did not want the ring back. In fact, he wished that Regulus would just keep it forever so James didn’t have to remind himself of what went wrong.
“Please, no. No, this cannot be happening, no .” James whispered, just loud enough for Regulus to hear if he listened hard enough. He always did.
“It’s not your fault that I became angry at the world. My addiction is not the reason we became strangers.” Regulus said, the words dripping with regret and syrupy sadness.
James couldn’t hold himself back. “But it was, alright? It is . Alcohol became your priority while you put me and Harry on the back burner. Alcohol became your god. I’m not mad, Reg, I understand, but don’t be so naive.” His tears fell down his cheeks relentlessly. Regulus dropped the box.
“Maybe I was right to be angry at the world if this is what I am given.”
***
end of january 2003
“Papa, Papa!” Harry jumped into the arms of his father with vigor. The last few times Regulus visited were at night while his small son slept, unknowing of how much his dad truly cared.
“Hi, my baby. How about you go play while Papa talks to Daddy?” Harry didn’t skip a beat, running off to play around with his different trinkets. James couldn’t help but smile.
“Hi, Jamie.” Regulus smiled. It was a real, genuine smile. Over the past month Regulus had been visiting James and just James. Nobody else knew; it was their own way of reconciling. Every time there was a silent honey, come over, that never had to be said.
“Hi, Reggie, my love,” James said as he wrapped his arms around his waist. A soft giggle escaped from Regulus’ lips. Even after months of being separated and destroyed, their relationship seemed to have kept a certain type of love to it. Though their lives had changed and everything around them did as well, they had not.
“Don’t you find it strange that the world had changed, but we just went ahead and carried on?” Regulus asked as he held James tight, afraid to let go of the one solid thing left in his life. Something had to be real, and if something had to be, it must be this. Always this.
“No, I don’t. Do you know why?” James cupped the back of Regulus's head, running his hands through his hair.
“Why?”
“Because we beat all of the odds. No matter what, every single year the Sun meets up with Regulus for a yearly conjunction. We will never be out of each other’s orbit, no matter how hard we try. I’ll always run back to you.” Regulus kissed James long and hard, deserving of such a sweet thing.
***
march 2002
“Reg?” James called out from the front door. It was late, and James was tired, but he was unable to find Regulus after waking up in the middle of the night. Normally, he wouldn’t worry, but the constant drinking brought him to believe he should be. There was no response.
James adjusted his glasses and slid on his slippers, walking out into the yard. Close to the side of the house, where Harry’s small bike sat with his toys, a figure laid in the grass.
Upon further investigation from James, the figure was Regulus. He was face down, passed out on the lawn.
That was the moment that James realized he was the most idiotic husband known to mankind because for months there were signs, but this was his turning point. His sweet oblivion could no longer continue as he watched the person he loved most begin to burn out.
***
july 2002
It was the first time since Regulus went full-time to rehab in May that he was let out. It was clear that Regulus could not stay at home because of the circumstances, but he couldn’t stay in rehabilitation for one more minute unless he wanted to drown himself.
Regulus went to James’. He had things to pick up that he missed, but more importantly, he missed James more than anything.
“Regulus?” James looked out of it completely. His eyes were puffy from recent tears, and his hair pointed in all directions. Regulus was in a sweater Remus dropped off for him when he went to see him the prior week.
“James.” It was clear that he was shocked, seeing as Regulus didn’t call on top of the surprising day release, though the actual release wouldn’t happen until the beginning of August.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I have things to pick up, if you do recall.” James moved to the side to let him in, still in a state of confusion. A box sat in the foyer, full of books and a few of Regulus’ old vinyls, with an old sweater hanging off the side. “I suppose I could just take that then, no?”
“Stop right there. Am I worthless to you now or something? You didn’t even think to call.” James choked on the words, his eyes becoming glassy behind his round glasses.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Are we all just crows to you now? Are we all just pulling you down?” Regulus heaved a heavy sigh.
“Can we not do this now?” James’ body tensed immediately, his face hardening.
“Get out of my house.” Regulus left, but that did not stop him from memorizing every part of James’ face and reflecting on it when he finally had the chance.
***
february 2003
Regulus and James sat at the kitchen island late that night, two mugs between them and a jug of fresh orange juice. The silence was loud, but the feelings between them did not have to be said. James looked at Regulus as though he made Earth Regulus looked at James like he was Earth.
James grabbed the two mugs without a word and put them in the sink, leaving them to be washed in the morning. He turned and stared at the orange juice, then at Regulus. “We’re all proud of you, you know. We’re glad you got sober.”
Neither of them said a word for a moment, letting the statement linger before Regulus broke into silent sobs. James grabbed his hand, interlocking it with his. “It’s yours if you want it.” James nodded towards the juice.
“Can I have you instead?” Regulus whispered.
“Anytime you want.” The two separated to stand, holding hands again once they were able. As they walked upstairs to bed, the jug of orange juice sat in the kitchen. Regulus glanced back at it, knowing that it was now no longer bought for Harry.