Work Text:
It started with a delivery. Crowley spotted it in front of Aziraphale’s shop. Not strange of course as Aziraphale got many deliveries. He needed books he could pretend to sell after all.
However, something about it was different from the usual packages. It wasn’t a cardboard box but a wooden crate, for one. And Aziraphale reacted weirdly to it. A new book shipment had his beautiful eyes light up in joy and his lovely butt give a little happy wiggle. But - to Crowley’s disappointment - this delivery did not lead to shining Angel eyes and shaking Angel arse. Instead, Aziraphale looked around anxiously, before opening it. Carefully, lifting the lid just a little, he peeked inside, closed it again and sighed.
With furrowed brows, Crowley watched Aziraphale carry it inside. Obviously, he then waited for Aziraphale to return to discouraging paying customers so he could sneak in through the backdoor and spy into the mysterious crate. As Aziraphale’s hereditary enemy he had to be informed about new developments to thwart any noble plans Aziraphale might have.
That and he was bored out of his mind. Humanity was so good at dooming itself after all.
Crowley found the crate quickly enough. After straining his ears for a moment, he decided the coast was clear and opened the lid.
Bananas.
A whole crate full of bananas.Raising a brow, Crowley stared at the yellow assembly.
“What…?” he muttered.
Focusing on the fruits, Crowley used his powers to examine them for human magic, divine energy or demonic powers. Nothing. With a shrug, Crowley grabbed a couple of the fruits to test further at home. What was this angel up to?
Sure, Crowley could have asked him. But where was the fun in that? It was so much better to learn Aziraphale’s plan and then confront him about it.
Yes, great!
In theory.
In practice, Crowley struggled to find out what the plan was. Or even what was so special about the bananas. Because after doing about 90% of all the tests he knew, it was still an average banana. Before he could finish with the remaining 10% an incident with a gorilla (Don’t ask - it was a whole thing), had him out of bananas.
But when he returned to the bookshop for more samples, the crate was empty.
Now, Aziraphale liked food, but he wouldn’t devour.a whole crate of bananas within a few days. But not a single banana was to be found in Aziraphale’s shop.
So Crowley did the reasonable thing: He spied on Aziraphale the next two days from the coffee shop across the street. Which was extremely boring. Until another delivery truck arrived, bringing a few boxes of books - and a wooden crate.
Crowley threw some money on the table. Then he hurried across the street and watch from behind a truck. Aziraphale was already carrying the deliveries inside. As soon as Aziraphale was back to business, Crowley would sneak in again and check on the crate, getting new bananas to test.
Only Aziraphale didn’t go back to business. As soon as the last delivery box was safely in his shop, he closed the door and turned his sign to “closed”.
Obviously, Crowley couldn’t just leave now. He just had to be more careful. Scurrying around to the back entrance, he honed his supernatural senses in on the angel to pinpoint his location.
Basement.
Huh.
Well, at least that meant he wasn’t in the backrom where the crate would be. Quietly, Crowley slipped inside and immediately spotted his target. Smirking, he approached and opened it - only to find it empty.
”Already?” he hissed.
Still contemplating what to do, he froze when he heard Aziraphale’s voice. It was faint. Also he could still feel the angel in the basement. However, his tone spoke of distress which was something Crowley had never been good at ignoring. So he sneaked downstairs.
He found Aziraphale. And the bananas. They didn’t look too good. Some squished, some split in two.
Aziraphale didn’t notice him. He was too busy holding a banana and trying to pull a condom over it. His tongue was stuck between his lips, a focused expression lay on his face and he fidgeted with the condom. The condom slid down, bent the banana, breaking open the peel.
“Oh, for…”
“Angel?”
Shrieking, Aziraphale threw the banana at Crowley, hitting his forehead.
“Ow,” Crowley said and then asked, “What are you doing?”
“Hmph.” Aziraphale crossed his arms. “Gladys at the community centre found it funny to volunteer me as group leader of ‘sex education for teenagers’.”
Crowley smirked. “A noble cause.”
Aziraphale sighed. “But as you see, the teacher isn’t up for it.”
Seeing Aziraphale pouting softened Crowley’s smile.
“Want a demonstration?” he offered.
“Please,” Aziraphale begged.
“Hand me a banana, angel.”