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Dean Winchester is 100% heterosexual.
One. Hundred. Percent.
Trust him, he’s got the stories to prove it.
So, so, so many good stories.
He’s into girls.
…wait, gross, no...
He’s into women.
No matter what Sam and his ‘exception rule’ say.
Who ever said there had to be a rule anyway?
‘No more than five people of the same gender.’ Pfft. Whatever.
What a stupid rule. It’s not like he even has that many to begin with. He’s under five easy.
Dr. Sexy of course. (It’s the cowboy boots, he swears. You can put those things on anyone and they’d be at least four time sexier than before.) He’s always had a thing for Spock, maybe it’s because he imagines himself a Kirk type, the Spock thing probably just comes hand in hand. You know what? Kirk too. The Captain had game. They’ve also got the boot thing, so it’s probably just that.
The boot effect.
Speaking of space and boots. There was that captain guy from that show Charlie had made him watch. Waterfall? No, Firefly. With the boots and the spaceship and the thigh holster. Definitely shiny, cap’n.
Maybe Dean Winchester is only 92% heterosexual. But really, who’s actually one hundred percent anyway?
Or maybe he just has a boot fetish?
But then his exception list would have a sublist for people without boots.
If he’s being honest, there’s that comic he read as a teenager. What was it called? Hellblazer? He hadn’t just liked it because of how close to home it was without being even close to accurate. Demons, monsters, and the like. He’d liked the whole character. The rebel attitude. His stupid red tie. Totally too flashy for monster hunting, but Dean still imagined pulling it off him every now and again. Or using it to pull him closer.
Like a bad guy might do.
Not like in for a kiss. No way did he imagine using the tie as leverage for a kiss. That would be decidedly homosexual.
That one Doctor from the Doctor Who reboot that Charlie made him watch. Converse. Not boots. Still a very attractive dude. With the glasses and the sex hair. He could easily see himself running fingers through that.
His long ass coat wasn’t really a problem. He didn’t have to deal with monsters as much as Constantine. A long coat doesn’t make sense unless you’ve got angelic smiting powers or you’re not in constant potential peril.
Okay. So his list was six people long. That’s only one over Sammy’s stupid rule. His brother’s been known to be wrong about things. Like Ruby. And whether or not he needed a god damned soul.
Everyone needs a soul. It’s, a soul.
Alright, so maybe Dean Winchester is 78% heterosexual.
That’s still a majority of his dick that’s interested in not-dick. Only 22% of him wonders what stubble on stubble would feel like. Only 22% of him wonders what a dick in his mouth would be like. Only 22% of him wonders what it would be like to be pinned down by someone as strong, or stronger, than him and get fucked.
Shit.
Dean Winchester might be less than 78% heterosexual. He might be closer to a flat 70%.
Damn it.
Well now wait.
That doesn’t make him any less heterosexual. Strap-ons aren’t just for lesbians. And neither are dildos for that matter.
(Dean decides to ignore the thought that pops up in his head to remind him that he’s never heard of a straight guy in possession of either of those things. The thought is obviously an intrusive one, and he didn’t invite it anyway.)
Besides. Gay guys aren’t the only ones with prostates.
Speaking not of that intrusive thought, he can’t really imagine bringing the idea up with any of the women he’s dated, though.
Yeah...he’s still 61% too hetero for that shit.
Maybe the straight guy’s who do have dildo’s and strap-ons just aren’t as confident in their sexualities as Dean is.
...was…
Constantine probably would have had some. He was a totally confident in what he liked. He was also a fucking badass.
Who, now that Dean was thinking about it, had definitely had at least a couple of encounters with other dicks.
In the literal sense.
The biblical sense even.
Dean snickered.
Then he frowned.
The tie...and the trenchcoat...the stupid suit underneath…
Constantine looked a lot like...
Shit. Fuck. Goddamn. Well, he’s definitely over six.
So fucking obvious.
Dean jumped up from the couch where he’d been laying for the past forty five minutes, staring at the same page in an old Vonnegut he hadn’t even been bothered to check the title of, and having his silent soliloquy.
He poked his head into the kitchen where Sam was absentmindedly stirring some canned soup in a pot on the stove. As if that was going to make it taste any less like too much salt and laziness. He was staring intently at what Dean first thought was a really dusty cook book until he realized it was in a different language.
The giant nerd.
“Hey, you seen Cas?” he tried casually.
Sam blinked up at him.
“I think he mentioned something about the Pimpmobile needing some maintenance. I offered to help him but…”
Dean didn’t hear the rest, because he was already halfway down the hall to the garage.
Once he got to the door, he paused. His hand reaching out for the knob, before curling back into a fist. He took a deep breath and mentally cursed himself for being such a baby. Acting like he was some teenager before the Prom.
But then the door opened for him.
Cas opened the door for him, and he could feel himself lose at least seven more percentage points.
He looked kind of panicked. He was covered in oil and grease. While his jacket was gone, and his sleeves were rolled up, he still had that stupid tie on.
Dean couldn’t stop staring at the stupid tie.
“Hello, Dean,” he said, “I need you.”
Dean blinked. He imagined a flashing needle gauge in the side of his vision. It was labeled “hetero-meter” in neon green lights. There was a harsh beeping noise, and the needle dramatically dropped.
“I saw one of the dashboard lights turn on yesterday, and I thought I could fix it on my own. However I...miscalculated something, and now there’s oil on everything and I’ve misplaced my dipstick, and I- mmmpf!”
So what if Dean Winchester’s list was over five people.
So what if he had stories.
So what if he isn’t 100% heterosexual.
Pulling someone into a kiss with a tie is amazing. And stubble on stubble scratches, but in a good way. And while he has yet to try the last thing more than 22% of his dick is curious about, there was one thing he is sure of:
Dean Winchester is 100% into Cas.