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It’s the day when she’s finally the happiest woman in the world that you want nothing but to hide in the shadows and let your ugly tears fall.
You’re a terrible, terrible friend. You absolutely shouldn’t feel this way.
You shouldn’t want so much. Shouldn’t be so selfish. Shouldn’t be so stupid.
You should be happy for her today – this is the day Fukawa Touko has been dreaming of since what feels like forever – but you don’t know why you just can’t stop tearing yourself apart over it, over everything that makes your best friend currently (and surprisingly, considering who you’re talking about here) the happiest person on earth.
The sparkle of a ring on her finger.
The flowers threaded in her long, silky hair.
The jewels around her neck.
Silver chains adorning her slender wrists.
Even the touch of makeup, the ashy extension of lashes and deceptively flawless complexion.
They make her smile – that real, real, stunning, beautiful smile that’s so rare on Touko’s perpetually moody face – they make her smile so much.
But for you,
For you,
They just make you want to cry.
It’s so, so painfully cliché.
You fell in love with your best friend, and now you’re Maid of Honour at her wedding. This is exactly the kind of scenario you’d tear your hair out over on TV dramas years ago, complaining to your brother Makoto that these two characters – totally not canon, but come on, that unresolved sexual tension, can you see it? Look harder, Makoto, geez, it’s so obvious, stop giving me that face – should get together already.
You never in a million years thought you’d see yourself in their shoes.
But then again, you never thought you’d ever fall in love with grumpy, mean, awkward-in-glasses-and-also-a-serial-killer Fukawa Touko either. Well, grumpy, mean, awkward-yet-strangely-beautiful, with a depth of wisdom, is adorably easy to fluster and a thirst for textbook romance, Fukawa Touko, is what you truly mean.
You do love her, after all. Flaws, quirks, weird habits and everything. Which isn’t enough, if you’re standing here regretful in the full swing of her wedding party, and she’s looking more gorgeous than you’ve ever seen her.
She’s even graceful, for once! She glides, lace trims bouncing like jellyfish (she’d hit you for that comparison if she heard, but you're not the talented writer she is, so you've got excuses a mile long), hair flying out behind her, expression almost serene. Very graceful. Almost like she’s dancing.
(… you take that back. She trips over the hem of her dress, curses loudly, and your heart aches because of how endearing that is.)
(It also aches because of how much you love her, and how you need to bury that love 6 feet under unless you want to live knowing you ruined your friendship forever.)
(She curses again, louder this time, and you just so stupidly adore her for it.)
In any case, you’ve accepted this whole wedding thing with your dignity intact so far, and you’re pretty proud of yourself for it. Life kind of just happens, and you drew the short straw, and that’s okay. It’s really okay. You’re just fine.
(As fine as can be, you sniffle, and your brother pats you on the head.)
(You clutch his lapels a little tighter, burying your face into his shoulder. Maybe you'll start crying for real. That would be pretty pathetic.)
(You feel a surge of heat behind your eyes, and suck in a breath.)
“Touko can see you crying from here,” Makoto tells you quietly. Soothing, regardless of his words.
You didn’t even realize that the thought of crying had made you actually start to cry. You smile anyway, nod, fake a laugh, and hope that from her distance, Touko will mistake the tears for happiness.
And you are happy, in a way, as long as she’s happy. Maybe that’s enough.
(Is it, really?)
(Kyouko makes her way over and extracts you from Makoto’s arms. She pulls you over to the fountain, and when you see your reflection – red-rimmed eyes, tear streaks, hair nothing short of a mess – you cry a little harder. You look terrible. You feel terrible.)
(She wipes your face with a handkerchief, but doesn’t say anything. There’s not a whole lot she can say, you reason.)
(You thank her, and try to smile as wide as you can manage. She smiles back, and pats you on the head, just like your brother did earlier.)
You know more than anyone else that there’s no hope in a situation like this. So you don’t hope. You’re not Makoto, and will never be, and giving up always came easy to you.
You don’t wish that Touko would drop everything and fall in love with you. You know that isn’t going to happen. You know Touko deserves this. She deserves to be happy (so very happy), whether it is with you or not.
(With or without you, she’s always been a fighter in your eyes.)
(Touko constantly tells you otherwise, but you’ll believe in her fighting spirit as long as you’re both alive and well.)
And you’ll always be here, anyway. Always ready to chatter with her, giggle over pulp fiction (which she claims she hates but reads anyway), argue over the empowering qualities of manga. Always ready to scare her with ghost stories, and go on unnecessarily lavish picnics and continue writing that novel you’re working on together; the one about Towa City, the one where you both met. You’ll always be here.
You’ll always be Komaru Naegi – her best friend.
Maybe that’s why it hurts. It hurts knowing you’ll never be any more than that. That Touko could do better than you and has. That you don’t know what you are without her, but she can waltz away to follow her long forgotten dreams, just remembering you on the side.
You were just a plain old high school girl when you met, and perhaps, on the inside, that hasn’t changed.
(Kyouko moves away, as Aoi comes to tug at your cheeks, and call you ‘over-emotional’.)
(You laugh properly then, and pinch her nose.)
(Her squawk attracts the attention of Yasuhiro, nearby, who is stuffing himself with cake.)
(He sees your blotchy face, and throws a piece of sushi at you. It bounces off your forehead and, spectacularly, Aoi catches it in her mouth. Another piece of sushi hurtles towards you to meet the same fate.)
(Makoto swoops in again for damage control, but now you’re laughing even harder, and you think that really, this time, you’ll be okay.)
You’re still in love with Fukawa Touko, and that’s not going to change anytime soon.
She’s getting married – is married, will be married – and you’re her first and best friend in the universe. That’s an accomplishment in itself.
Not only that, but she’s finally, truly, happy.
And even if you’re not right now; one day, you will be, too.
“Komaru, stop hanging around those idiots,” Touko makes her appearance by latching onto your wrist and looking disgusted at Aoi and Yasuhiro (and to an extension, Makoto)’s antics. “You’ll catch their stupidity due to overexposure alone.”
“Wow! That’s not very nice!” You tell her, but you’re really smiling. You love her, you do, you love her so much, and it still hurts.
“Well, I shouldn’t be worried about you, I guess,” She murmurs, smiling back. “You lost all your working brain cells ages ago.”
You gasp, long and loud, just annoying enough for Touko to smack you.
“What? What is it?” She asks, unable to keep the grin off her face. It really is the happiest day of her life, you think – she’s so vibrant, she almost looks as though she is glowing. You feel all the love you’ve ever felt for her hit you at once; you want to hug her, kiss her, hold her, so you hide your traitorous hands behind your back.
“Nothing,” you chirp cheerfully. Your heart aches.
But you know what?
You’ll be okay.
It'll take time, but you'll be okay.