Lilac

I usually woke up before Seraph. There was no particular reason for this, it is simply what happened. Seraph was a deep sleeper, which never bothered me, not since those nights where I thought I would lose him and every time he closed his eyes seemed like the last time to me. I’d gotten better at recognising the calm, slow rise and fall of his breath in deep slumber since then, no longer getting up multiple times per night to check that he was still alright and alive.

When I woke up that morning, however, I could distinctly feel that something was different just a fraction of a second before I opened my eyes. It wasn’t any later than usual, which meant I hadn’t slept in. It also wasn’t any lighter outside, the spring days not yet long enough to allow me to get up after the sun had risen. But there was an absence in the air.

It took me a moment to realise that it was Seraph’s rhythmical, snarling breaths he let out during sleep which I could not detect in the small bedroom of the RV. Immediately I wanted to sit up, already moving to turn and check on him, but a tug on my hair stopped me. Then Seraph chuffed quietly behind me. The sound instantly caused me to relax, so much in fact that it took my mind a moment to register that it had been a rather exasperated sound rather than his usual soft greeting he only reserved for me. I huffed. “Good morning to you too.”

“G-good morning, Lie-lack!,” Seraph rasped behind me. He leaned forward to nuzzle into my neck and the action caused him to slightly pull on my hair again. I wasn't fast enough with suppressing the small wince at the sensation. “What are you doing?,” I murmured, but my eyes slipped close again. It never got old, waking up to his hands on me, inhaling his earthy, warm scent in my first moments of consciousness.

“I m-make your hair pretty,” Seraph explained matter of factly, making my lips twitch with a small smile. Now that I focused on it I could feel the strands of my long hair shift rhythmically behind me. “Rusty s-showed me. W-want to try.”

I hummed in acknowledgement. It took another few seconds for it to click what exactly Seraph was doing. What Rusty had shown him. I blinked my eyes open again, staring at the blank, off-white wall of the RV bedroom. “Are you braiding my hair?”

Behind me Seraph chuffed again and I took it as a yes. His hands were still moving, softly brushing through my hair and I loathed to admit it, but the sensation was almost enough to lull me back to sleep. I made a mental note to remember that, making sure I'd recall to ask Seraph to do it again tonight when we laid down to sleep.

I must've dozed off again, because the next time I opened my eyes the sun was tickling my nose, shining in through the gaps between the curtains, and Seraph was gone from my side. I sat up, rubbing at my eyes to get them to stay open. Then I got up to find him. As I walked I pulled on the sweater Ghost had made for Seraph, the hem reaching past my knees and the arms too long for my arms. I shoved them up, already focused on the clattering in the kitchen and the whistling of the kettle.

Seraph was just pouring the water into two cups when I stepped into our small kitchen. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressed my lips to his back. “Morning,” I murmured into his skin. “G-good morning, sleeping b-beauty,” Seraph teased and I snorted. “I would've been awake for a while already if you hadn't patted me back to sleep,” I retorted, trying to sound annoyed but knowing that ultimately he could hear the smile I was hiding against his shoulder blade. Seraph chuckled, turned around in my arms to pass me one of the two mugs. “I l-like seeing you sleep. You look sweet,” he rasped out and nuzzled into my hair. My hair that lay down my back in an entirely unfamiliar way. “I don't think anybody has ever called me sweet,” I murmured, but I was still smiling, my cheeks flushing uncharacteristically dark. As my fingers wrapped around the mug I tipped forward, burying my face in Seraph's shoulder. “But y-you are. Very sweet.” I could feel him nuzzle into me again and sighed.

I knew that I'd have to head into the camp soon. Anchor had scheduled a meeting for today, Aury wanted to start raising some of the new crops Hunter had given us the seeds for and needed help with planting them. There was a shift on the wall I should take. When I sighed this time it wasn't relaxed, but more a sound of complete despair. I didn't want to leave the love shack today. I barely even wanted to leave our bed. “You need quiet t-today?,” Seraph murmured and my heart squeezed at how he just knew . One sound and he knew what I needed. “Yes,” I croaked. “But it's a long day.”

Seraph rumbled something deep in his chest, the sound soft and almost sympathetic. “W-we make an extra quiet evening then,” he whispered. “F-for you, Jesse.”

My shoulder relaxed again. “That'd be nice,” I replied softly. “And can you… can you maybe braid my hair again tonight?” My face felt like it was burning up as I said it, but there was no need to be embarrassed in front of Seraph. If there was one person in this world I could be honest with it was him. “Of c-course,” he rasped and I couldn't stop the relieved smile from blooming on my face. “Thank you. I love you,” I murmured, pressing a kiss onto his collarbone. Then I straightened up, took a sip of my tea. “I will be pretty busy today. But I'll be working with Aury later, you could join us if you want to. Or you can visit Rig and Gloam if they aren't… busy.” I gave him a pointed look and Seraph wheezed. “They are often busy ,” he joked. “I w-will come and help you. And talk to Aury.” I nodded in response, not even trying to hide my smile. Seeing Seraph again would make the day bearable, or at least I hope it would. “Good. I'll tell him, okay?”

After another sip of my tea I put away the cup, starting to get ready. Which was made a lot harder by Seraph purring into my neck and running his fingers underneath the sweater, murmuring something about how cute I looked in his clothes. Even smaller than usual, calling me his tiny flower.

When I finally managed to get out of the RV my braid was slightly mussed, my cheeks flushed over the edge of my mask and I was running late for the meeting. I couldn't say that I regretted it though. Seraph waved at me through the window, looking far too self-satisfied. I waved back before jogging the short way into the camp.

As I slipped inside, as quietly as I could to not draw attention to my absence up until now, Anchor was already right in the middle of the meeting. Which bothered me because it meant that I had no idea what it was about. I slunk over to Rig, nudging him with my elbow to gain his attention. “What's all this about?,” I whispered, taking care to make my voice as flat and bored as I could.

Rig glanced at me and even behind his mask I could see his lips splitting into a shit eating grin. “I like your hair. Are the loose strands on purpose?,” he teased instead of answering. I had to forcefully will down the blush threatening to spread across my cheeks. “Seraph wanted to try braiding. It was his first time doing it, I suppose he might have missed a strand or two,” I replied as evenly as possible instead, but my fingers unconsciously came up to run over where my braid had slipped over my shoulder while running. “Sure. That's the reason. Absolutely.”

Rig snorted, and not for the first time I thought that I could do without him being quite as perceptive as he was. “You didn't answer my question,” I murmured, hoping to deter him from asking more questions about how morning sex between me and Seraph was going. To my absolute relief he yielded. “Anchor is trying to work out the logistics of all of us leaving for the monster world. How we will cover the missing positions, who will take over what jobs for the time being and what the people will need to learn for it. All that stuff,” he whispered. I nodded in reply. That sounded like Anchor.

I left the meeting with exactly no new information. Aury and I had to teach Rusty how to take care of the crops as if we hadn’t already started on that weeks ago. Or, as if Aury hadn’t started on that weeks ago while I had been busy with neglecting myself and worrying about Seraph. Not one of my most dignified moments in hindsight, but I had zero regrets about it. It had led me to the person I loved the most in the world after all.

Once we were outside I stretched my arms, glanced up at the sky. The air today was crisp and fresh, perfect for gardening. That put me in a slightly better mood than I had been in this morning, even if I still basically wanted to flee the camp to hide in the RV with Seraph and never leave again. Rig nudged me as he walked past, grinning at me from behind his mask. “So what exactly about Seraph braiding your hair caused you to be late?,” he teased, apparently not tired of the topic yet. I rolled my eyes. “That didn’t cause me to be late at all. I was wearing his sweater, that’s what caused me to be late.” I noted with pride that I barely blushed as I admitted it. With a shrug I fell into step with Rig, heading towards where I could see Aury’s wings above the fence of the vegetable patch. “Apparently he likes me in his clothes.”

“Should ask Ghost to sew him more then,” Rig commented good naturedly. “Hey we need to find out Seraph’s birthday anyway! Do you know when it is?” I did know, I still had the military documents with Luke Buckley’s personal details. But Luke Buckley was dead, it would feel weird to celebrate the day he was born when he was no longer here. “We could celebrate the day his life seed appeared,” I suggested instead. “That’s the day Seraph was really born, right?”

I pretended not to notice how Rig’s eyes got misty at my words. He sniffled, nodded. “That sounds like a good idea, yeah. Let’s have a surprise party! With everyone, just for him!” He nodded, already determined to give Seraph the best first birthday ever. I smiled slightly, eyes cast down at the ground. “He’ll love that, Rig. Thanks.”

My friend wanted to reply but I shushed him since we had reached the vegetables and consequently Aury who was talking animatedly to Seraph, telling him about the seedlings we were going to plant today. Seraph’s long, grey body was stretched out over the ground between the rows of different vegetables, watching intently as Aury dug a small hole for the plant with careful, deft movements. All his eyes were on the movements. It immediately made my smile brighten and my heart speed up in my chest. Seeing Seraph free, cheerful and cared for by others would never not cause me happiness beyond what I could have ever imagined feeling.

I squatted down next to him, hand immediately landing on his shoulder. My fingers slowly caressed the leathery skin beneath them, the sensation helping me ground myself. “You started without me,” I noted, causing Aury to look up at me with one of his sweet, friendly smiles. “We thought the sooner we are done the earlier you two could head back together. Seraph said you had plans for the evening.” Unlike Rig he didn’t say it with some kind of double meaning. I distinctly got the idea that maybe he knew the kind of day I was having from Ghost. I nodded at him once, not really sure how to voice my gratitude for his thoughtfulness properly.

Seraph beamed at me, as if he was proud to let me know he had thought of something to make me feel better. The corners of his two formerly human eyes creased as he did so. “Plans?,” I murmured, trying to give us the feeling of a private conversation even when I was aware that Aury with his superior hearing could understand us clearly. “You didn’t have to plan anything for me, Anata.” I loved the way his entire body perked up, suddenly more alert at the pet name. Seraph loved it when I talked to him in Japanese, knowing the significance of the language for me and enjoying that he could help me practice it. I also suspected he liked it for entirely different reasons as well, just like how I loved listening to him talk to Aury in the Rycke’s tongue for entirely different reasons. “I w-wanted to,” he replied equally as lowly as me. “You t-take such good c-care of me, Lie-lack. I w-want to take c-care of you t-too.”

My throat constricted at his words. I didn’t know how to answer, so instead I pressed the pad of my thumb into his shoulder blade, hoping the touch would tell him everything I couldn’t voice at the moment. I only ever despised my lack of eloquence when it came to talking to him. “What are we planting?,” I said instead of anything sweet or romantic the way Seraph would have probably deserved. “Zucchinis,” Aury replied, voice suddenly going animated as he pulled the tray with the pots and seeds he had prepared towards us. “You’ve been raising up the young plants on your own so far, I wanted to learn how to do it. And I thought doing it with the new plants from Hunter and Edin would be a good idea.” His dark eyes blinked at me innocently, hopefully, and my heart squeezed. I knew what he could turn into and yet I couldn’t help but feel like Aury needed to be protected at all costs. Much like how I felt about Ghost, though I realized I had never told him as much. I nodded. “Zucchinis are good. We could also try the bell peppers, Daisy would love having them to spice our food with. She has been complaining about the flavors being too mild with only the spices we have here.” Probably because her pallet was still accustomed to Korean food which was, apparently, much spicier than everything we could achieve here.

We worked in silence for a while, filling the pots with earth, putting in the seeds and adding water until they were appropriately damp. It was more relaxing than I had expected. Aury’s wings scraped over the ground occasionally, Seraph’s long fingers sifted through the loose earth. Trying to help to the best of his abilities. Once again his gentleness amazed me. He picked up the seeds with so much care, no matter how small they were. I watched him plant a strawberry seed we had found among the many vegetables, already imagining how he would enjoy the soft, sweet fruits come next spring. “You’re doing very well, Seraph,” I praised him, wanting him to know that I noticed how hard he was trying and how attentive he was being. I wanted him to always know that I noticed him, that I was proud of him. The smile he gave me in return was worth the small pang of embarrassment I felt at Aury witnessing us like this. All soft and in love. I usually reserved this for just Seraph, nobody else needed to know what I acted like with him. I liked the thought of only him knowing best anyway. Like this was my present for just him, something to let him know how special he was.

Our fingers brushed as we moved on to preparing the soil for the young plants Aury had brought along. I liked the feeling of it, cold earth between us as we worked together. But then again I liked everything with Seraph. I listened to him speak with Aury in their secret language, as Rig called it, feeling my heartbeat slow, my shoulders relax. It was almost meditative, being like this.

I don’t know how long it took us to finish planting everything, my mind blanked halfway through, the repetitiveness of the actions lulling me into a state of comfort and blissful relaxation. So much that I was actually surprised when all the plants and seeds were gone. I frowned a little, turning to look at Seraph and Aury.

My beastie smiled at me again, smaller and softer this time, as if he knew exactly how I was feeling at the moment. He probably did. “Au-ree and I w-will go for a w-walk while you are on the w-wall,” he told me softly, nuzzling into my first stained wrist, uncaring of the earthy smears it left on his face. I chuckled as I tried to wipe one off of his nose, only making it worse in the process. “Okay. Be careful. And have fun,” I whispered before I briefly leaned down to drop a kiss onto his head through my mask. Seraph purred in pleasure at the action. “Y-you too,” he rasped, tongue briefly lapping over my skin. Then he pulled my sleeve back into place.

It was starting to get dark when I walked back from the camp, the whole world bathed in a dusky sort of pink light that made the edges of my vision seem too hazy paired with the bone-deep exhaustion that had settled within me. My chest felt tight, my head too loud, cluttered with thoughts and noises that I neither wanted nor needed in there. Even the rustling of the wind in the leaves of the trees seemed like too much right now. The calm from earlier was long gone.

My fingers trembled as I wrapped them around the handle of our door, pushing too hard and stumbling inside, only to hastily shove it closed behind me. I ripped the mask off my face and took a deep, shaky breath that filled my lungs with the damp and warm air of the RV. I smelled flowers and wood. I smelled home. “Lie-lack?,” came Seraph’s voice from the direction I vaguely remembered the kitchen being in. I couldn’t open my eyes yet to check, but as it turned out I didn’t have to. His long fingers twisted through my braid, nails scraping over my scalp and it felt like something in my chest unraveled at just that one, innocent touch. Blindly I stumbled forward to bury my face in his chest and inhale him.

I could feel Seraph’s ribcage vibrate beneath my cheek as he let out a sympathetic rumble. His second arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me in until I was pressed securely against his body. “I k-know,” he whispered, the tone of his voice so low and soothing to my ears. “It’s okay, y-you’re home n-now. We c-can be quiet t-together.” His hand brushed through my hair, soothing me until I melted into his hold. “I need to make dinner,” I whispered, voice rough. I didn’t feel like talking but Seraph didn’t deserve my silence.

He chuffed, lifting me into his arms suddenly to carry me away from the door. “N-no- I made f-food for Lie-lack,” he explained matter of factly as he bent down with me, laying me down on something soft on the floor. I opened my eyes, tears welling up as I looked at the blanket from our bed suspended above us and the living room couch. The cushions were placed on the floor in a pattern that mimicked the nest we had shared our first nights together in. “You built me a fort?;” I murmured around the giant knot of feelings in my throat. “I m-made a silent place,” Seraph replied from where he pressed his nose into my temple. “F-for y-you. And we c-can be quiet t-together here.”

Distinctly I could feel the wetness of my tears on my cheeks as they spilled over, soaking into the pillow beneath me. I wanted to say thank you but the words kept escaping me. Seraph chuffed knowingly, nuzzling me one more time before he climbed out of the little cave he built for us. It gave me time to draw in a ragged breath and try to wipe at my eyes, not that it helped much.

When he came back he carried a big plate of fruit and vegetables, cut a little crudely but carefully nevertheless, and several pieces of Bo’s flatbread. He put it onto the couch to gather me up in his arms again, wiping away the tears still insistently spilling down my cheeks with soft swipes of his thumb. “N-no talking, Jesse,” he whispered. I felt the gentle sweep of his touch right beneath my eyes and nodded. Even if he hadn’t told me I wouldn’t have been capable of voicing anything at the moment anyway.