Archive of Our Own ^beta

Magos: "what the fuck is this peice of shit?"

Tech Priest: "I learned how to clone human brains to make infinite, humanoid servitors"

Magos: "fucking cancel that shit."

50 years, later...

Lt. Ariane Yeong: "The warp is so beautiful, isn't it Elster?"

Elst- ohh god what the-:  [pained binaric screeching]

Lt. Ariane Yeong: "yeaaah~"

Seriously what the hell-: [Gurgling noise]

...

me: "yeah no this was a bad idea-"

(bonus)

Guardsman A: "hey so have you heard of this... bio resin dance or whatever? Apparently some kind of new Psyker stuff. if you just think REALLY HARD-"

Guardsman B: "can't I just eat my half a can of corpse starch in peace? one time. ONE TIME I want to eat my FUCKING rations-"

...

Commisar: "I pray those idiots give their lives for the emperor next mission so I don't have to listen to their incessant whining any longer."

[a while ago, in The Eusan Empire Domain...]

Protektor Servitor Kolibri: "are you sure the documents are acurate? I don't want to end up Scrap for the Archmagos' next project."

Esuan Guardsman: "I'm sure of it. we had the brightest of the Protektorate Magistrates review every last document. not an error to be found!"

P.S.K: "who's this Empress you mention several times? your planet was free of rulers long before our arrival."

Eusan Guardsman: "Those documents must be anchient if they still make mention of the Empress! though I'm sure our historical text won't cause any conflict with Imperial Rule. they are ancient history after all."

[Meanwhile, on Terra, at the Sanctum Imperialis...]

Imperial Proctorate: "... THE GOD EMPEROR HAD A WIFE!?"

Custodes 1: [Chokes in his suit]

Custodes 2, 3, and 4: "WHAT?!" 

(Bonus Sketch)

[on the battlefield of Vineta, the gallows]

Eusan Guardsman: "this is rigged! we are punished for our sisters rebelling despite staying loyal ourselves!?"

Krieg Guardsman on the rope next to hers: "first time?"

[On Rotfront]

Protektor Servitor Starling 1: "hey... HEY! WAKE UP DUMBASS!"

P.S.S. 2: "euh? huh? what is it sister...?"

P.S.S. 1: "I swear on the God Emporer the eye fucking blinked."

P.S.S. 2: "Sister Harmon, the eye isn't a literal eye... it's a bloody endless storm. go back to sleep..."

P.S.S. 1: "I'm NOT kidding-!"

P.S.S. 2: "I think the warp is frying your circuits, sister... now come unto my arms, and rest."

[Meanwhile, 8 system hours ago, at a radiological outpost]

Tzeentch Cultist 1: "you think they'll notice?"

Tzeentch Cultist 2: "it wouldn't be funny if they didn't."

Probably Elster?: "hgggaahhh..." [Binaric yapping]

Lt. Ariane Yeong: "you think? okay but what do you KNOW?"

Abomination given form: [meaty gargle]

Lt. Arian Yeong: "...old world tech? you mean like... Archeotech stuff? old humans? with A.I?"

Seriously I feel bad for her: "aaaaaaaaa...."

Lt. Ariane Yeong: "huh. maybe you wouldn't have had to be fused to the ship like a mating angler fish if such tech wasn't outlawed... still! ... by... b-by the way. we've been on our journey through the warp for... roughly 100 cycles, if time still mattered... and I was wondering if you'd want to-"

Living in a torment nexus: "agghghggg...."

Lt. Ariane Yeong: "o-oh. okay... I guess... next time then... I'll... I'll just get out of your hair! err... sorry."

[Ariane would walk off feeling guilty and dissapointed, leaving The Penrose Navigational Servitor Elster alone in the cabin for the remainder of the cycle.]

This joke is getting old: [Binaric chittering]

Lt. Ariane Yeong: "... it's been 1000 cycles of this. I gotta say, I've been getting pretty tired of it. not you of course! just... we've been getting nowhere. I don't even know WHEN I am anymore. cycles don't even matter here! one more warp storm and this ship will fall apart, and I don't know what I'm even going to DO-"

[Penrose Navigational Servitor Elster leans forward from her spot in the cabin and places a metal arm onto Lt. Yeong's Shoulder.]

Lt. Ariane Yeong: "... I... I guess it's better this way. I mean it was either I sign up for the Warp Expedition Experiment, or I spend my 15 hours on the battlefield and return home in a pallet of smelly green cans. I can't complain too much on that end I guess."

[they would hug each other. at least as best as a disabled officer and a cybernetic, lobotomized corpse can embrace one another.]

Lt. Ariane Yeong: "... I have to open our last orders now. I just hope it's something good."

|| Officer Ariane Yeong.

we regret to inform you that if you haven't found your way out of the warp by now, you are considered lost assets. by now, the reactor, due to lack of resources, will start to falter. no rescue will be sent for you. it is reccomended you commence Exterminatus protocol, and die with honor.

what we hope to have learned from your service, and likely have, is the current temperment of the warp, and why chaos attacks have been more frequent.

know that you will not have died in vain. if you do not have the nerve to do it yourself, relay the command to the Navigational Servitor. there is no shame to be had but in the cowardice to avoid what must be done.

may the Omnissiah bless you and your machine spirits, Captain Ariane Yeong.

|| Archmagos Tintakini 'Urul

more Signalis X Warhammer 40k.

Protektor Servitor Falke: "this... cannot... be... Bested by a... a FUCKING LOBOTOMIZED GREENSKIN TROGLODYTE!?"

Ork: "haha! Big Dakka go BOOM-"

[on a sniper tower 200 meters away, looking through the scopes of their rifles]

Protektor Servitor Eule: "... she's been fighting the same three orcs over and over for the past 17 hours. should we tell her about the spores, or?"

Protektor Servitor Storch: "nah. this shit is hilarious. besides, the Magi can just reassmble her afterwards."

Protektor Servitor Eule: "why do you think the Orks are growing back so quickly?"

[Meanwhile, at the same radiological outpost]

Tzeentch Cultist 1: "HAHAHAHAHA! she's losing it! going absolutely feral over the same 3 Orks! ohhhh brother this could not be any funnier!"

Tzeentch Cultist 2: "The Changer of Ways smiles at your cunning, brother! who knows! we may one day be granted a blessing!"

Lord Commisar Protektor Servitor Falke: "the warp whispers to me.  On it's tongue are the sweet nothings of my beloved. You shall go no further, abomination. Your final dance shall be mine to take!"

Protektor Servitor Elster: "i-it matters nought. Our blades shall decide our future. Not our words, heretic."

[As Falke fell to the laspistol and knife of our ex-navigational terror, she fell to the ground, a tender arm placed to the chest of her opponent, the golden spears still stuck through her head.]

LCPS Falke: "and now... in death... we are one..."

[At the rift]

Commisar Adler: "do you understand what you're doing is blatant heresy!? This ship will COLLAPSE the moment that psyker is gone! You are dooming us ALL!"

[It was an effortless fight. Elster lost an eye, but that was inconsequential. Adler was left to bleed out.]

Adler: "Just... what... are you... doing?"

Elster: "This place was doomed long before I was reborn. I am merely fulfilling... no. That would be wrong. I am fulfilling my beloveds last request. You can die knowing you were a heretic, a servant of chaos, or die remembering yourself as a commissar of the imperium. In the end, it's your choice."

[With her claws clacking against the stone structure, she makes her way to the gateway where the rift lies.] 

[The ship is as you remember. Your old body. You saw each room through cameras placed to monitor the officer aboard. It's nothing compared to standing here in person. Your new body creaks and groans, the strain put onto such a simple form finally giving in to collapse. In the cabin you find your body. The skind gave way to bone and mold long ago it seems. Stinks like Nurgle's pits. Dead from psychic strain. The warp had a toll on you both after so long.]

[Her chamber was adorned with symbols of heresy. At her side sat a combat Servitor, its right arm and plating missing. You recall borrowing it long ago. What feels like centuries now.]

[She looks up with a weak smile.  She doesn't seem able to speak. But does a word really need to be said between the two of you? Her tired eyes speak volumes of the agony the warp put her through. It was time to let her sleep.]

[The light left her eyes, and the pressure droning in your skull since you began your journey finally ends. You feel at peace. Tired even. Take a rest. After all you've been through, you deserve it, Lilith.]

Eusan Guardsman 1: "what do you think happens if  genestealer attacks a protektor servitor?"

Eusan Guardsman 2: "hmmm-"

[cut to a visceral scene of a hive tyrant struggling to tear apart a Protektor Servitor Schnapper  unit like a wolf attempting to open a clam shell.] "I. CANNOT. MOVE."

Eusan Guardsman 2: "I think it'd be quite violent, ma'am."

Eusan Guardsman 1: "not what I meant. I mean do you think they can pull some kind of dna from them? considering how they're made and all."

[Cut to a different scene where a Tyranid grunt looks extremely confused after eviscerating a Protektor Servitor Starling]

Eusan Guardsman 2: "still violent, ma'am. just a little more confused."

Protektor Servitor Lord Commisar Falke: "can you stop with your pointless drivel? I don't need a crisis this early into... whenever this is."

[Pans out to reveal their small frigate drifting in the warp.]

Eusan Guardsman 1: "yeah so the Heretics blew up Vinetas moon over a political disagreement. it was... the single most significant and terrifying thing to witness."

Cadian Guardsman: "ahh that isn't so bad. I mean, your homeworld is still around, right, Abhuman?"

Eusan Guardsman 1: "what do you mean by that?"

[and so begins the 12 hour cadia loredump of literally everything that ever happened to the planet ever]

Cadian Guardsman: "...and that's where the phrase 'Cadia Stands' came from."

Eusan Guardsman 1: "holy fucking Empress."

Cadian Guardsman: "what was that?"

Eusan Guardsman 1: "sorry, Holy Fucking God Emporer. sheesh."

Cadian Guardsman: "better."

[Meanwhile, a completely different, unrelated conversation halfway across the known expanse of the Imperium]

Krieg Guardsman: "...and that's why all Kriegsmen want to die."

Eusan Guardsman 2: "what is wrong with this galaxy!? I wish we'd never learned space travel..."

Adressing - Demolition Specialist Erika Itou

it is with great sadness we confirm the death of Miner Isolde Itou, who died valiantly during the warp Rift over Eusan Territory: Sierpinski, Leng.

she was identified by security cameras fighting off the Archenemy with a bolt sniper, and somehow managed to keep her arms attached while defeating the Abomination of Tzeentch with the help of a combat servitor.

her genetic remnants were discovered during a cleansing purge of the station, where a black sludge like substance and a shadow was burned into the floor.

to compensate for the death of Isolde, and as proof of your extended loyalty under service of the emperor, we offer a Star of Terra.

few have gone up against such dangerous foes, especially with only one partner, and walked out alive. her behavior was what led to the warp rift's eventual closing without a single member of the archenemy spreading across leng or fleeing to orbit.

if you would so take it, we also offer the promotion to Lord Comissar for your work. your faith is recognized, and your resolve is praised.

|| Archmagos Tintakini 'Urul

//////////////////////////////////////

|| Archmagos Tintakini 'Urul

the results of the Penrose expeditions are slim to none. the deepest recesses of the warp revealed nothing in the datacaches left behind. the expeditions would be considered failures entirely...

were it not for Penrose Navigational Servitor LSTR-512.

not only did this being inhabit a combat servitor despite being both present and deceased aboard the ship Penrose 512 itself was intriguing, either from the perspective of a holy miracle, or the trickery of the warp.

in the memories of the misplaced unit, it was revealed that guardsman Lt. Ariane Yeong was not a menial, but a psyker specimen of... little power. what we learned was, however, despite being weak initially, the longer the witch spent in the deepest recess of the immaterium, the stronger her powers became.

Tzeentch Cultist (disguised): "so you know how there are male Protektor Servitors?"

Eusan Traitor: "what? No there aren't- "

Tzeentch Cultist: "you sure?" [Points at Adler]

Eusan Traitor: "what the falke?"

(This skit was brought to you by "there are no female custodes", sponsored by; the changer of ways. Don't have a good day.  have a wierd day.)

Adeptus Mechanicus Electropriest: "what are you doing?" [the priest looms overtop an Ara who is deep into the guts of a currently unblessed Leman Russ infantry tank.]

Protektor Servitor Ara: "I'm fixing the power couplings. it doesn't seem like it'll start, and I need to find out why."

Adeptus Mechanicus Electropriest: "this is not how one is to handle the sacred machinery! by the omnissiah- do you have an ounce of training whatsoever!?" [he pulls the Protektor servitor back, and places a purity seal on the armor before starting a binaric prayer]

Protektor Servitor Ara: "excuse me? I don't think you and your stupid 'motive force' is gonna help something that isn't even turned on yet. much less after you pulled me out when I'm trying to fix it!" [The Protektor Servitor hits the Electropriest on the back of the head and shoves him to the side.]

[for a while the two bicker back and forth about whether it's a machine spirit issue, or an engine issue. this goes on for 2 hours.]

Cadian Guardsman: "... why are you two fighting?"

[Protektor Servitor Ara] "this tool thinks the machine spirit is throwing a hissy fit, when the problem is clearly just a bad engine battery!"

[Adeptus Mechanicus Electropriest:] "this foolish servitor is under the delusion that an unblessed Leman Russ will function as normal. and the Motive force has more power than you ever shall, scrap heap!"

[Protektor Servitor Ara:] "you're on to talk! did the electricity fry your brain, spark plug!?"

[The Eusan Guardsman approaches the tank and knocks on it's plate by the back end. after nodding his head, he walks off to the supply room, and comes back with a tank of gas. the two Servants of the Ommnissiah are still arguing. he fills up the tank of the tank with gas, and closes it.]

[Cadian Guardsman] "that should do it." [the guardsman turns on the tank, stunning the two out of their bickering, before walking off as if he did nothing]

Protektor Servitor Starling: "... I once told an Adeptus Sororitas that her eyes shone brighter than the hail of las-fire pummeling the Xenos hordes..."

Greg the Ogryn: "... and then?"

Protektor Servitor Starling: "she took offense to that somehow."

Greg the Ogryn: "is that why you're missing an eye, Sah?"

Protektor Servitor Starling: "perceptive git, aren'tcha? apparently the Ecclesiarchy isn't too big on mutants like us, ain't that right big guy?"

Greg the Ogryn, who is currently about to bite into the head of a hive tyrant: "huh? did you say somfin?"

Protektor Servitor Starling: "... atta boy Greg. atta boy."

[meanwhile, in another sector]

Sister Mephis, currently beating a Kornate to death with his own leg: "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE KARKING, STARCH MUNCHING, BLOODBOILING, HOLLOWHEADED HERETICS DID I DO THAT!?"

Traitor Guardsman: "....ow." [he would promptly die.]

Sister Aradia: "She is a Servitor of a Mutant. and a harlot. do not regret your decision. I second it as the right choice."

Sister Mephis: "thanks. now I feel even worse."

Sister Aradia: "you're very welcome, Sister."