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"Have you ever been in love?"
Anomen's brow wrinkles. "I love you, my lady," he says uncertainly.
"I didn't mean..." Nyssa sighs. Wishes she could say I love you, too, and mean it. Or even just say it without the hopefulness in her voice. "I meant before. Was there anyone...?"
"No," he says, too quickly for her comfort.
There were lovers in her past. Coran. He was the first. It wasn't love; she knew that from the beginning. More... curiosity. Wondering how it would feel to be so free, as he was.
It didn't work for her. It was pleasant, that time she spent with him -- she holds him no grudge -- but she knew it wasn't enough.
Before that was Xan -- Xan, who always believed life was meaningless, but who might be convinced to change his mind for the sake of love. But not for her. They could not form a bond, he said, as if that was the only thing that mattered. All the other races do just fine without that mystical love nonsense. Until Xan, it had never occurred to her that she should feel, as a half-elf, that she was missing something.
Anomen's a human. He doesn't want a bond. She's not even sure if he wants marriage. All he wants is someone to love him, and despite herself she feels guilty for not immediately returning his affection. Guilty... and afraid. Afraid that this naïve human is her only chance.
She's been silent in her thoughts for too long, she realizes. Anomen looks on her with concern, but mercifully doesn't speak.
"I don't know if I've been in love," she says finally. "How can you tell? How do you know what it feels like, if you've never felt it before?"
"I -- " He tries to rush into an answer, but falters. He's not as confident as he wants people to believe, and she wishes he would stop pretending, if only just for a moment. If only just for her. "I don't know, my lady," he admits. "I only know that... I feel I would do anything for you. That I could do anything, if you only asked."
"Would you kiss me?"
She's not sure why the words slipped out, but suddenly Anomen is full of confidence again -- more confidence than he has any right to, she thinks, with his experience. He takes her hand, and the kiss he places on her palm sends shivers down her spine.
"But that's not what you meant," he murmurs, pulling her closer, pressing his mouth gently against hers. The rough sensation of his beard against her skin is still odd for someone used to kissing elves, but she's beginning to enjoy it. The unfamiliarity makes the feeling clearly Anomen, not a memory of a lost love that could have been.
His tongue seeks hers, too roughly. But when she pulls back, he does too, following her motions, not demanding, and she's grateful he can hear her without words.
After a breath, she kisses him back, and he returns it enthusiastically, if a bit sloppily, wrapping his arms around her. His body around her seems so big, so strong, that for a moment she can keep the rest of the world at bay.
"Thank you," she whispers when they part.
It didn't tell her anything, she thinks, about her own feelings, or what love is. But Anomen will do what she asks of him, and that's powerful and strange, even if it's just a kiss.
"I love you," she says, and from the look on his face it must sound like she means it. Maybe one day she will, but that feels good enough for now.