Work Text:
Before
In all the time lost to drifted life paths, Zeal had changed irreversibly, the way ripe fruit fermented to aged wine - foreign to the tongue, but a taste Kaelix could grow to appreciate.
It started with an invitation from an old acquaintance of Kaelix’s, for his high school’s ten year reunion. There wasn’t anyone in particular he was aching to meet, really, but Kaelix’s thoughts drifted to the image of striking eyes against alabaster skin, of metal against lip.
Were the intense shade of Zeal’s eyes saturated by childhood nostalgia, or had they always been such an otherworldly colour?
Kaelix had to satiate his curiosity, lest Zeal continued to haunt every yearning dream.
And so Kaelix went. In the crowd of hundreds, he easily spotted Zeal, who was every bit as vivid in life as he was in daydream. And just as effortlessly, Kaelix waved Zeal over, because it seemed Zeal had been searching for him, too. Kaelix watched Zeal scan the crowd, and when he spotted Kaelix, his eyes had lit up with recognition, the amber rings resembling summer fireworks.
Kaelix wondered how he had survived all this while in the absence of violet, a sinking feeling settling in his lungs. A feeling he did not understand just yet, but he would learn, in time.
He would learn of satiation, what it meant to be full.
He would learn of hunger, what it meant to be never fulfilled.
The two make small talk at first, but they slip into banter with ease, the way cold hands slip into well-loved gloves - the cloth remembers how to warm the fingers, remembers the shape of them.
Zeal laughed at a silly inside joke they shared, and Kaelix could not help but notice all the ways Zeal had changed in the past ten years since they graduated from school - the way time had made his eyes soft, his jaw sharp. Gone were Zeal’s multiple piercings, the slouch of his shoulders, and in its place was a more refined version of Zeal, as though adulthood had helped him fit more comfortably into his own skin.
Zeal asked if he wanted to grab a drink, at a cafe not too far from here.
Just to catch up. Zeal had said, shyly. I’ve missed you lately.
Some things remained the same.
(It was an invitation that came belated by ten years, but Kaelix would take any bit of Zeal he could have, and so he could not say no.)
Kaelix stirred his tea, and while Zeal talked, Kaelix absentmindedly noted the same gentle way Zeal spoke, the same crinkle of his eyes when he smiled - habits were not so easily eroded by time, after all. Zeal still had his coffee the same way, still blinked the same way, and when Zeal stretched lazily mid conversation, his shirt riding upwards, Kaelix saw a familiar hint of Zeal’s snake tattoo, a relic of the past peeking out at him.
(That view made Kaelix flush, by the way; time hadn’t made Kaelix crave the taste of Zeal’s skin any less.)
Now, having left the reunion behind, reconnecting was made easier without the pressure of an audience. Kaelix shared about music school, about how studying overseas straight out of graduation had been. Zeal shared about how he had gotten into mixology a while back, no, not the music, the drinking kind. But that was still a thing, yes.
Mixing tapes and mixing drinks? What can this man not do?
A silly joke from Kaelix, but it was always worth it to see Zeal chuckle.
You wanna know what I can’t do? I can’t mix up my colours as well as Kaelix can!
Why are you still on that, it’s been literal years since we’ve disagreed on that! … I know my colours.
Alright, but you also considered magenta pink.
Kaelix wanted to argue that it wasn’t fair, because Zeal had never been in Kaelix’s shoes, and so he would not have been able to see colours the way Kaelix did. And what Kaelix had seen ten years ago, what Kaelix saw right now before him, was the vibrance of Zeal’s violet eyes, a purple that had made every other colour pale in comparison. And so magenta would always be pink, never purple.
That was the way Zeal Ginjoka had rewired Kaelix’s brain, and he loved him all the more for it.
No, I refuse. I’m never gonna enter a disagreement about colours ever again with you.
Woah. You’ve changed.
Kaelix blinked at the sentence, heavy with emotion.
An emotion he was scared to accept, no matter how badly he wanted it, lest it was just his imagination.
Things change with time, Ginjoka. Get with the times, old man!
Kaelix expected a stronger response, or at the very least a laugh.
Because some things don’t change with time, right? Zeal would always listen to Kaelix talk, would laugh at every silly quip of Kaelix’s, and in the fading light of day Kaelix could see the desire in Zeal’s gaze, could hear the tremble of his words, heavy with want, with need.
Kaelix… I have to tell you something. …Before we fall back into old patterns.
Things change with time, Kaelix knew that.
Kaelix just wasn’t built to withstand change, is all.
Because in the back of Kaelix’s mind, no matter how long the absence had been, the fact that they had loved each other had always been a certainty. A missed connection, but a connection nonetheless. Kaelix would be lying if he claimed that he hadn’t come for today’s event with high hopes for reunion. To pick up where they had stopped, because Kaelix had to further his studies.
So the thought of anything less than permanence…
I’m so sorry, Kaelix.
After
The first night, when Zeal had finally been taken from him, Kaelix sleeps on the side of the bed where Zeal slept, and he simply weeps. He weeps more than he thought possible, and perhaps it was all the love he had for Zeal, leaking out into the bedsheets. Perhaps that was why they refused to stop, why it seemed as though he could never run out.
When Kaelix inhales, he is desperate to keep the scent of Zeal in his lungs, as though he could resuscitate Zeal with every breath he held onto.
His dreams were fragmented, but kinder than reality. A Zeal he could still hold in his arms, a Zeal he could still sing to sleep.
But not a Zeal he could keep.
The next morning Kaelix wakes up horrified. Because in the morning light, the spot next to him was cold and empty, like a tomb, and now everything was wrong and missing and untouched and that made Kaelix cry, because, well.
Zeal would know exactly why.
Kaelix never slept in their room again. He locked the door, for good, because their pillows now smelled more like Kaelix's shampoo than like Zeal, and leaving the door open meant that Kaelix would give up what he had left of Zeal back into a forgetful world.
The problem with grief was the realisation that there was always more to lose.
What good had the world done for Zeal anyway? The world had already taken Zeal from him, had already shattered him, and Kaelix refused to give up the shards he had left of Zeal, even if Kaelix had to bury it into his own flesh to keep the memory of Zeal alive in his veins.
It was difficult though, because now their shared apartment was a warzone, and anything was liable to set Kaelix off, leaving him an unresponsive, inconsolable mess.
The microwave was no longer usable, because Zeal always left his mug there, and so that was where Kaelix left it. Some days he convinces himself that Zeal was simply out on a run, or out for work, or running errands - any activity that would lead him back home to Kaelix.
Takeout didn’t taste the same, either. There were only so many places they could choose from for dinner, and even then Zeal always managed to order something spicy for himself, with onions. Even when Zeal wasn’t supposed to. But at that point they had been beyond last ditch efforts, beyond anything but making sure there were no last regrets, and Zeal wanted to go out ablazing. That apparently meant eating all the spicy food Zeal wanted.
Who was Kaelix to deny him?
Zeal always picked a dish with onions, and Kaelix would then habitually pick out onions for Zeal, bit by bit.
Because Kaelix had to do something, anything for Zeal, in the face of a hopeless diagnosis, in the face of impending doom.
And because Zeal loved him, he lets Kaelix do it.
In light of Zeal’s weakened laughter, his smiles stolen by sickness, Kaelix does not whine. Kaelix does not complain jokingly, even while reassured by Zeal, constantly.
Dutifully, he picks out the spicy onions, sets them aside, and he eats them for Zeal, even if the taste made his eyes water, even if it made his mouth numb.
At the very least, when he cries, he can attribute it to the spice, and that meant he wouldn’t make Zeal sad.
Zeal always rewarded his efforts with a gentle kiss against his cheek, and then he would say:
It tastes so much better now, my beloved Kaelix.
Kaelix missed Zeal’s patented fried rice, missed fighting with him over silly things like leftover rice and microwaved coffee.
Kaelix missed the dexterity of Zeal’s hands, the way they would instinctively peel every prawn for Kaelix, break down every crab for Kaelix.
And when Zeal could no longer do that, his strength waning, Kaelix would come to love and miss the act of picking out onions and watching Zeal eat, slow bite by slow bite.
Kaelix had learnt of hunger in the absence of Zeal, and so on the days he could not bring himself to cook, Kaelix chose to starve.
Merely ate because he had to exist, to live.
…
Kaelix wondered sometimes, if the tears would stop eventually.
He rations out Zeal's leftover soap, because he starved to feel Zeal against his skin. Considers buying more, but then it wouldn’t be the one Zeal had used. Everything in his life became almost a game of endurance now, because everything faded with time, with use, and Kaelix had to portion out all that was left of Zeal, just to make the worst days feel more bearable.
He does try, though, to live. because he promised. Even on the days where he hated himself miserably for his inability to look through their past memories together.
Kaelix couldn’t bear to, even if he was terrified of forgetting Zeal, because if he broke, Zeal would no longer be able to fix him again, and he promised, he promised-
Before
I promise, alright? So don’t cry anymore, Kaelix begged.
I learnt from the best, Zeal said. I’m an expert at crying now!
What could Kaelix have said to that? He simply continued to cry, because Zeal’s love was so sincere, so genuine, in his fervent wish for Kaelix’s eternal happiness that he made Kaelix promise to continue to live, even when Zeal is gone.
But who is there left to wish for Kaelix’s happiness now?
I just wanted to make my darling bouncer laugh. My dear, precious Kaelix, Zeal said.
I'll love you in all the universes, even when I’m gone from this one, Zeal said.
I don’t want you to love me in all the universes, Kaelix cried. I just want this one.
Zeal doesn’t respond.
Because, that means this is it for us. That means… That means that Kaelix has to say goodbye now.
I’m sorry, Zeal said again in a small voice, his most hated words from the mouth of his most beloved person.
Kaelix would tear down every piece of heaven from every alternate universe and burn it all on a pyre if that meant that Zeal could stay, here and now. If that meant he would not have to discover what it meant to exist without Zeal.
I don’t want that, Kaelix said.
And because Kaelix could not have what he truly wanted, he settled for one final thing he could still take.
I just want a proper goodbye.
I don’t know how to give a proper goodbye. Zeal confessed softly, and Kaelix knew that he was a selfish lover, but that was all he had ever been, when his lover was eternally gracious and generous and giving, when Kaelix had never needed to love in any other day.
Just hold me, Zeal. Hold me, for however long we have left together.
Kaelix slinked into bed, falling into Zeal's arms, and of course he is tucked into what was left of Zeal, because even as he lost himself to the cruel, constantly marching pace of time, he was still Kaelix’s Zeal, and so Zeal held Kaelix as tightly as his body would let him.
During
Zeal’s body runs cold, but Kaelix still clings on.
He would call for someone’s help, eventually.
Just not right now.
These tears belonged to Kaelix, and belonged to Zeal. This pain was theirs to share, and so he would bear with it alone, for now.
How could Kaelix share this sight with anyone else?
Kaelix was not ready.
“Sweet dreams, my beloved bartender.” Kaelix leans in, brushes his lips against Zeal’s.
Zeal's lips were cold, too. His heart still. His final breath having left his lungs moments ago.
It seemed that in Zeal’s final moments, he knew how to be selfish too.
Because in the absence of Zeal, he had taken with him the piece of Kaelix that no one else could unlock, a piece of Kaelix that could no longer exist.
In this one, Zeal leaves for good.
(Alright. Then the Kaelix that belonged to Zeal, too, will leave for good.)