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Fenris didn’t know when it was he started to notice the little things about Hawke.
I mean, since coming to Kirkwall, he had started to notice a lot of things about his friends and fellow companions. For instance, Merrill always bit the inside of her cheek when she was bluffing at Wicked Grace. And Fenris noticed how Varric would start telling wild tales the moment you asked him anything serious, like who Bianca was. Or that Fenris always knew when Isabela had too much to drink because she would get that sly look in her eye like she was going to consume him head first.
But the things Fenris noticed about Hawke were much more intimate, things he didn’t think he should be noticing. Like how wherever Hawke went, the scent of lavender always followed, the soft scent becoming a favorite for Fenris. Enough for him to go out and buy a lavender plant that he kept on his patio. And he noticed how Hawke would smell the Andraste’s Grace that grew outside of the Chantry whenever they walked by. Fenris began to notice how whenever she leaned down to take in the sweet floral scent she would close her eyes and a small smile would cross her face, like she was thinking about being somewhere else. Likely anywhere but Kirkwall, he imagined.
It was these little things that Fenris noticed that started to make him question things he never wanted to answer. Like when he started to look forward to seeing Hawke. He knew from the very beginning that Hawke was beautiful and you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who thought otherwise. She was tall and curvy but so agile people often underestimated her abilities when she pulled her dual blades on them. Her tanned skin always seemed to be glowing and men in particular often stopped in their tracks at the sight of her even though her honey colored hair was almost always a mess on top of her head. It never distracted from her beauty though. Fenris would even go as far as to say it added to it, made her seem aloof.
But none of that really mattered, not then and not now. Beautiful people were a dime a dozen so dwelling on that fact seemed unnecessary for Fenris. It was the fact that she would let out an excited giggle every time they saw a cat wandering around the streets of Kirkwall or that after only two shots of the Hanged Man’s special in-house whiskey she always let her hair down and challenged someone, anyone who would to an arm wrestling match.
But mostly it was the way she made the people close to her feel. She was a friend before she was anything else. She always made sure everyone in her inner circle felt cared for, like she would go from one end of Thedas to the other for you without question.
Fenris really shouldn’t have been shocked when one day, not long after they returned from the Deep Roads, Hawke went out of her way to find out which days of the week the bakery in Hightown made Fenris’s favorite berry and cheese tarts. It was such a silly thing, really. They were an indulgence that Fenris couldn’t always afford but would partake in when he could and Hawke somehow noticed. Fenris could never remember the days the bakery made them but he rarely had to worry about it because Hawke would often show up with a box of them and they would spend the afternoon out on the patio, drinking expensive wine, and eating tarts.
At first it was a nuisance, having her in his “home” if you could call it that. He felt embarrassed that he hadn’t cleaned up or tried to make the place more live-able. Doing that would be admitting he was staying and he didn’t want to feel comfortable in a place that belonged to Danarius. But as time went on, Fenris came to enjoy Hawke’s company. She was so easy to talk to. She listened and Fenris never realized how much he needed that. They learned a lot about each other during these visits. She learned that Fenris was terrible at telling jokes but she laughed anyway. He learned that while Hawke always appeared at ease and in control of every situation they found themselves in when they walked the streets of Kirkwall, she was actually kind of a mess, much like him. She was scared sometimes she had told him. She was scared that she would fail at everything and let her family and friends down. Learning this made Fenris see Hawke as more than just his ally in his own personal quest for peace. She was his friend and he trusted her with his life. Which is something Fenris never thought he could do with anyone and that had Fenris questioning how he could have changed so much in so little time. How he could fall for someone when he tried so hard to avoid any emotional connection with anyone. Fenris had friends and as scary as that was, to put his trust into other people what was even scarier was that he was in love with Hawke and he had no idea when that happened, just that one day he realized that all of the little things he noticed only made him want to know more of her. He wanted to be more than just another companion but the thought of that scared him more than anything ever had. Putting himself out there, to be vulnerable like that was not how Fenris worked.
“Fenris!” Hawke called from the foyer of Fenris’s “borrowed” mansion.
It bothered Fenris that his heart jumped at knowing she was here in his house. He hadn’t seen in her in almost 2 weeks due to a job Varric had set up outside of the city. Something about staking out a group of bandits and monitoring their movements. Hawke had invited Fenris along but he didn’t want to be away from the city for that long because he was waiting to hear word from a contact about Danarius’s location. That and Anders was going. Hawke and Anders had grown close lately it seemed and Fenris hated seeing them together. He convinced himself it was simply because he didn’t really like Anders but deep down he knew it was jealousy. That seeing them together burned him in a way he didn’t think was possible. The less he saw of it, the easier it was to ignore.
“I’m in here!” Fenris called from the common room where he was sharpening his blade. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and he quickly thought about putting on the tunic that was draped over the railing of the stairs that led to his bedroom but he thought against it. It was nothing Hawke hadn’t seen and his lyrium markings had been extra sensitive the past couple of weeks.
Hawke appeared in the doorway, clearly startled to see Fenris sitting there and not hovered near the fire in his bedroom where she usually found him reading. She leaned against the door frame and smiled, making Fenris’s stomach do a small flip.
“I brought your favorite tarts and some of that exquisite berry wine from that merchant in Lowtown.” She held up the items, “Best kept secret in the city if you ask me.”
Fenris stood up and walked toward her trying to keep his emotions neutral, “It’s good to see you, Hawke.” He tried to ignore the way her eyes quickly roamed up and down his bare chest, finally landing on his face. But he took a small pleasure in the blush that formed on her cheeks. He took the bottle from her hand and nodded his head toward the stairs and began walking that way, grabbing his tunic off the railing as he passed. She followed eagerly and he asked how the job went while they walked toward the sitting area of his bedroom. It was too cold to sit outside and Fenris had started a fire not long ago to get rid of the chill in the air.
“It was so boring.” Hawke wined. “I swear these bandits we were hired to watch were the most mundane criminals ever. For days they didn’t leave and once they did, it was for a group fishing trip! Honestly, it was a waste of time. Merrill was keen on it though. She seemed to enjoy being out of the city.”
Hawke had found her usually place at the table near the fire and Fenris sat across from her after putting his shirt back on and grabbing two wine glasses from mantle. He uncorked the wine and he began to poor it, trying not to look at Hawke too much. He was so happy to see her face but he didn’t want to make it obvious, “Well, sorry to hear it didn’t pan out. Maybe next time.”
Hawke let out a groan, likely at the thought of their being a next time, “Next time,” She said, reaching for the glass Fenris offered and taking a sip, “Next time, you’re coming with me. I’m making you. If I have to sit through Merrill and Isabela’s constant flirtations and sexual tension, for more than 5 minutes I’m making you endure it with me.”
Fenris placed a tart on a plate and set it in front of Hawke. He laughed at how little patience she had for some of their friends sometimes. He often wondered when her patience with him would wear thin but he shook the thought from his head, “Everyone seems to be aware of their feelings for each other except for them.”
“Yeah well if they don’t get it over with and tell each other how they feel I’m going to lock them in a room at The Hanged Man until they figure it out.”
Fenris laughed at the thought, “I would expect no less from you. And I’m sure Varric will be there to record it all and tell the tale for years to come about what a matchmaker you are. And people from all over Thedas will come to you to help them find love.”
Hawke smiled at that but didn’t respond. Fenris watched her sip her wine and tear tiny pieces of her cheese tart off and pop them into her mouth. Her mood shifted suddenly and Fenris wasn’t sure what he did to make that happen. He watched the already small smile fade from her face as she stared down at her plate. Fenris didn’t want to draw attention to it so he focused on his own wine, sipping it slowly.
“So,” Fenris offered, “Anything I should know? Any jobs you need some help with?”
He really had no idea what to say so business seemed like a safe subject.
Hawke looked up, her green eyes trained on him. They were such a lovely shade of green too, one that was always enhanced by firelight which at this moment almost made her eyes glow, much like the rest of her. She tilted her head and finally said, very softly, “I missed you, Fenris.” And he couldn’t miss the redness of her cheeks and the way she was hesitant to say more.
It caught Fenris off guard and stunned him into silence. He had never seen her look at him like that and he shift in his chair, sitting up a little straighter. If he was being honest, she was looking at him how Anders often looked her. Like he was seeing more than everyone else was seeing and he was trying to hold on to the image. It seemed that lately, it was how Fenris looked at Hawke too, though he tried to hide those moments for when he was certain no one was looking.
When Fenris didn’t answer right away, Hawke looked down at her hands. Fenris didn’t mean to leave her hanging like that but he wasn’t sure how to respond to something like this. Even if it was something he longed for, he didn’t know how to act. This was all new to him. Telling him that she missed him was one thing but the way she looked at him with heavy eyes, her voice soft, and and lips slightly parted. She was bound to drive him mad he was sure of it.
“Hawke, I-”
“These tarts are particularly good, don’t you think?” She said, her voice suddenly light and her eyes avoiding his as she picked at her food.
“I missed you too.” Fenris finally admitted, “Quite a lot, actually.”
Hawke’s eyes suddenly found his and they shared a look that had Fenris tingling from head to toe, he was even afraid his lyrium markings might be glowing even just a little. He suddenly started to question everything. Why he continued to stay in Kirkwall, why he allowed himself to feel this way, why he hadn’t closed the gap between them and kissed her already. All the things he didn’t want to answer because he knew the answer would lead to pain. But he couldn’t help himself.
Fenris stood up suddenly, maybe spurred on by his self deprecating thoughts and trying to escape them or maybe it was that looking at her, looking at him like he mattered gave him a courage he didn’t know he had when it came to his feelings for her. But he stood up then, leaving behind his wine and tart and strode the couple of steps it took to reach Hawke on the other side of the table. She must have been surprised by this but she remained seated and watched tentatively as he approached her. Fenris bent down, placing both hands on either side of her, leaning on the arm rests. She gasped a little and Fenris almost melted into a puddle right there at the sound.
“Hawke,” Fenris spoke softly, his face close to hers.
She tried to speak but he cut her off with a soft ‘shh’ before continuing, “Let me say it, because I may never have the courage to say it again”
Fenris was so close to her he could feel her heat, smell the lavender in her hair, notice that her breathing was no longer steady. Maker, she was intoxicating but he also had never felt so clear headed, “I must tell you,” Fenris continued, drawing his face even closer to her, bringing his lips close to her ear, “It would seem that these past several months I have been harboring feelings that have been difficult for me to... process.”
He gathered his thoughts, trying to figure out the best way to come out and say that he was in love with her, that she had become the light in the darkness that was his life. He watched a smile form on her lips and it took every ounce of self control not to grab her lips with his own and kiss her until they couldn't breath.
Fenris continued, trying to keep his eyes on hers and not on her lips, "You see, Hawke, I have come to care-"
“Hawke, are you here?” Ander’s voice broke through the air like lightening from down in the foyer.
Fenris immediately backed away from Hawke and in turn Hawke stood up so suddenly, she almost rammed the top of her head into Fenris’s chin. Fenris cursed under his breath, turning around and grabbing his wine, downing it in a single gulp. He kept his back on Hawke, afraid to look at her. Afraid she would see what a mess he was in that moment. If he had looked at her, he would have saw Hawke holding back tears. He would have saw that she was just as much a mess as him.
Fenris barely had time to collect himself when he heard Anders come into the room.
“Hey, there you are. Aveline said she saw you head this way.” Anders said and Fenris kept his back to them. He didn’t want to look at Hawke. Didn’t want to look at the two of them.
“Here I am,” Hawke finally spoke, her voice tentative but chipper, leaving no indication that Fenris had been about to lay out his feelings on the table for all to see.
Anders greeted Fenris with a cold hello to which Fenris finally turned around and nodded, barely holding himself together. All he could smell was lavender and sweet wine and he couldn’t get that look Hawke gave him out of his head, like she too wanted to lay everything out on the table.
“I thought we could spend some time together before things get hectic again. We should go.” Anders seemed all too happy to take her away, back to her estate probably where he got to see Hawke in ways Fenris only thought about before he went to sleep at night.
Hawke nodded slowly, clearly trying to make sense of everything, "Yes, of course. We should go." Her eyes were trained on Fenris. Like maybe she wanted him to object and ask her stay.
Fenris looked right at Hawke, ignoring Anders completely. He started to realize something, the thought making a small smile cross his lips unintentionally. Fenris spoke directly to Hawke, unable to hide his half smile, “I have things to do in Lowtown. Some leads about Denarius to follow. It was nice visiting with you, Hawke.” Fenris kept his gaze on Hawke for a moment longer taking slight pleasure in the fact that Anders was clearly uncomfortable with it. But before either of them could say anything, Fenris broke his gaze, walking past them, out of the room. Fenris grabbed his broadsword, strapped it to his back and walked out into the city.
By the time Fenis reached Lowtown, he couldn’t get the now full fledged smile off his face. Hawke had Fenris questioning a lot of things lately, that was for sure. But one thing he no longer questioned was that Hawke was just as much in love with him as he was with her.