Chapter Text
Atsumu had always tried his best to fit in with the normal people. The feelings in his chest when he saw a person of the same gender weren’t normal. He knew this, which was why he never went to his parents or a counselor. Too embarrassed and scared of what might happen. In Japan, being gay was considered taboo. As simple as that. His parents never discussed their beliefs with them, but Osamu did. Osamu fit in so well with the popular kids it scared Atsumu.
He heard Osamu talking down on people who liked the same gender with some of his friends- teammates included. Atsumu threw himself into volleyball as it was the only thing he could trust. He spent all of his time at home in his room, crying or simply in a ball staring at the ceiling. He would hurt himself in any way that he could. Osamu and him had drifted apart the older they had gotten. Well if you count Osamu fitting social norms then you could say that, but Atsumu was never liked by anyone. In middle school people tolerated him but now that he is in high school, it isn't like that anymore. He had no friends.
He tried to talk to his teammates outside of practice or games but they just looked at him funny. Leaving him sobbing in his bedroom at night, sometimes in the morning as well when he heard his alarm going off. The only thing that was keeping him going was volleyball.
Atsumu was the only one invited to the Japanese national volleyball camp? There was no way. He could feel the sneers of his teammates. He gulps and smiles as he accepts the invitation, he feels a glimmer of hope wash over him like a wave. Maybe this was his chance to prove that he was normal. A chance to prove he was more than his self inflicted cuts and bruises.
The next week passes fairly quickly for Atsumu as he anxiously waits for the camp to arrive. It was currently Tuesday and the camp starts on Thursday. He had already started packing, excited for the new chapter in his life. He didn’t know if he was just imagining it, but the team seemed to have excluded him from the group even more than before. He shakes off the feeling and smiles. He always knew he was annoying and brash, but he still deserved a chance to have friends. It was impossible with all the rumors floating around his head.
If he did eat he was on the rooftop looking down. Fantasizing about how it would feel to fall from this height. If he would be free from the gross feelings inside of him or if he would be haunted even in the after life. His heart painfully squeezes when he knew he was going to be alone till he died. He didn’t deserve to be happy. He knew fate was evil and it had grabbed him by the neck before he could even try to escape.
When Atsumu arrived at the camp he was nervous to say the least. His cuts throbbing from the previous night and his head hurt. He gulps as he walks into the building checking himself in and getting his room key. He felt bad for whoever was going to be his roommate for the next couple days.
He arrived at the dorm room first, surprisingly. He tossed his stuff next to the twin bed and let out a huff while falling onto the bed. Today they only had introductions and team bonding, which wasn’t mandatory thankfully. All Atsumu could do was stare at the ceiling above him, the heaviness in his chest hadn’t left in a long time and he was so tired. He was snapped out of his daze when he heard the door opening. He props himself up on his elbows and looks up to see the most beautiful man he had ever laid eyes on. Smooth skin with two moles above his eyebrow and black curly hair. The man stared back at Atsumu, seemingly also taken back.
“I-I’m Atsumu Miya, but you can call me Atsumu” Atsumu shyly says, looking away. “I’m Sakusa Kiyoomi, feel free to call me whatever you want.” Sakusa said, smiling slightly. ‘So his name is Sakusa huh’ , Atsumu thought to himself. He lets himself lay down again with a sigh. He had to keep his distance from him, he knew but deep down that was the last thing he wanted. He rolled onto his side to avoid the stares of the other man. He clenches his eyes tightly with a hand over his heart. “Would you like to go down and get our shirts together?” Sakusa asks, breaking the silence.
“Oh sure,” Atsumu answered, sitting up and stretching, trying to play it off as being tired. Sakusa smiles slightly and sets his stuff down. “Let’s go. I’m pretty sure they have lunch ready if you’d like to eat.” He adds on as they walk down the hallway. Atsumu never really had an appetite, but he wanted to be with Sakusa even when his brain was fighting against him to leave immediately. “That sounds good. I didn’t eat breakfast, so I’m hungry” Atsumu smiles and puts a hand on his stomach. Sakusa laughs a little and shakes his head. “Let’s hurry then.” He adds before walking a little faster.
When they sat down to eat they were starting to get to know each other. “Do you want to go to the bonding party tonight? I didn’t want to go since I wasn’t gonna know anyone, but since I know you I wouldn’t mind” Sakusa smiles before taking a bite of his food. Atsumu was blushing at how easy going Sakusa was. “Y-Yeah I’d like to go with you” He says looking nervously down at his food. He doesn’t see Sakusa still smiling at him.
Did Sakusa know that he shouldn’t be smiling at someone like Atsumu? He smiles nervously while playing with his food. He needed Sakusa to think he was normal, like everyone else. He brings his hand to his thigh and pinches himself. He needs to feel pain. He abruptly stands up, “I need to go to the bathroom, I-I’ll be back soon” Atsumu says trying his best not to stumble out of the room. His breath hitches as he punches the elevator button. His vision blurs as he sees a figure running towards him. Then everything goes black and he feels his legs give out. “-Tsumu” He barely registers the voice before he loses all his senses.
Sakusa had no idea what was happening. Atsumu looked like he was about to be sick, so he followed. He didn’t expect him to completely collapse. He carries his body to their shared room. He lays Atsumu down on his bed before putting the blankets around him. When Sakusa stands up he feels a hand on his wrist. “D-Don’t leave” Atsumu whimpers. “I’ll be right back, I promise,” Sakusa says softly.
To say Sakusa was internally panicking would be an understatement. He didn’t know how to take care of someone who had passed out. Sure, his parents were well known doctors, but he wasn’t. He skips the elevator and takes the stairs down to the cafeteria. He sees Atsumu’s almost untouched food next to his almost empty plate. He shakes his head and grabs an apple along with a bottle of water. His only friend being passed out in their room was not in his bingo cards.
He opens the door to their room and sees Atsumu laying in such a small ball he almost thought he wasn’t there. He reaches out and rests a hand on Atsumu’s shoulder who flinches at the sudden contact. He quickly removes his hand, “Sorry, I should’ve asked before touching you.” Sakusa blushes in the moment of embarrassment. “‘s okay” He barely hears the whisper that comes from the setter’s mouth. “Are you feeling alright, Atsumu?” He asks, peeling the covers back. Atsumu’s eyes burn at the question. When was the last time someone asked him that? His lips pull into a wobbly frown as tears fill his eyes. He looks over at Sakusa who is sitting next to him. Sakusa was already looking at him as he brings a hand down to rub the cuts on his thighs and stomach. “I-I don’t know what to do anymore. My family hates me, my team hates me, I hate me.” He whines out as he lets his head fall again. “Life is so unfair, Omi. I wish I was born a girl so I could fit in.” He laughs out as Sakusa hands him his water.
After a minute of silence he feels a hand fall onto his shoulder again. He suppresses his flinch this time. “There is more to life than the people around you, Atsumu.” Sakusa says, with a tone of understandment. Atsumu laid still as he tried to understand the sentence. “What I mean is that you should live for yourself, not the people who take your presence for granted.” He further explains, taking in Atsumu’s confusion. Suddenly it makes sense. His brother’s homophobia, the sneers of his peers, the subtle look of disappointment on his parents face. He slowly sits up, wiping his eyes before facing Sakusa. “Omi I-” Atsumu looks into Sakusa’s eyes and gets lost in them for a moment. “I like guys.” He finishes his sentence. Before Sakusa can even respond, Atsumu falls back onto the bed with a groan. “I’ve never said that out loud before. That felt good.” He sighs before rubbing his eyes. He looks up again and sees Sakusa still staring at him.
“I must be crazy for saying that to a complete stranger.” He sighs and rubs his temples. “I like guys too” Sakusa suddenly says, after the silence almost kills them. Atsumu’s head flies up to meet Sakusa’s eyes again. “What?” He asks, obviously taken back. “I’ve never told anyone either.” He adds on. “My parents aren’t against it, but I’ve always kept things to myself so I don’t know.” He keeps talking when he sees the shocked look on Atsumu’s face. “Have you ever?” Atsumu asks, insinuating things he can’t get himself to talk about. “No. What about you?” Sakusa asks in return. Atsumu just shakes his head. There is a moment of silence between the two of them. “Well what do we do now?” Atsumu asks out of curiosity. Sakusa just shrugs, but smiles at Atsumu. In which Atsumu smiles back. Maybe he’s not as alone as he thinks.