Chapter Text
"Why don't you love me?" Tod whispered under his breath.
Alex hadn't heard him. "Huh?"
"Nothing.. what were you saying?"
"Oh, well-"
Tod zoned out.
It was like he was being messed with by his best friend. One day, he was being kissed on the cheek and getting loving looks that lasted much longer than needed. The next, he'd find Alex doing the same thing to Clear.
Fairness was something he'd have to earn, apparently. Since Alex had gotten with her, Tod felt like he was getting fucking leftovers.
It was a terrible way to view this entire thing, he knew that, but he couldn't help himself. Somehow, Clear had charmed Alex in just a few days, even though Tod had been trying to subtly hint at it for years.
He thought back to Billy's party, where he found Alex and Clear making out. His mind tried to suppress the memory often, but it was hard to forget the wink from Alex. He shuddered whenever he tried to think of what they did once they got back to his house.
"Shit. We're gonna be late." Alex said as the bell rang.
"I fucking hate French class." Tod replied, hurrying with Alex to get there.
They got marked tardy, making Carter laugh. Tod glared at him, wishing he could beat the shit out of him. Carter didn't need to add on to the weights of stress on his shoulders.. most of them from Alex.
Everybody was talking about the upcoming dance, and Billy, who sat in front of him, leaned over and frowned.
"Guess we have to be each other's date again, huh?"
Tod pushed him away, flipping his hat off his head. "Whatever."
Billy laughed, knowing that it would end up happening. "Kinda sucks that Alex totally broke our pact and got a girl. Not cool, dude."
Alex rolled his eyes. "We never made a pact, Billy. You just wish we did."
"We totally did!"
Him and Alex started bickering, and Clear seemed to hate it. Tod hated noticing that. He didn't want to notice anything about her. He didn't want the same for Alex, either, but it was too late for that.
Once class ended, Alex stayed behind to help Billy clean up some food he spilt, and Tod left. He would've helped, but one more second around Alex and he'd explode. It was like his mind, his body- his entire being was pushing him to say something to Alex, reveal what was going on inside his heart. He wouldn't let it happen. Not now.
He found Clear walking against the wall, seeming out of it.
Part of him wanted to walk away, let her walk until she fell over and get trampled.
Alex would be pissed at him. Billy would tell him "not cool". Carter.. wouldn't have even noticed. Terry would've been by her side.
He took a deep breath, reminding himself that she wasn't against him. She was a human with feelings, just like him.
"Uh.. Clear, you okay?" He asked, walking beside her, his hand shaking as he contemplated whether or not he should put it on her shoulder or keep it at his side.
She turned to him slowly, looking like she could pass out at any moment. "I'm.. I'm okay.." She mumbled.
"Clear, c'mon. I think you should go to the nurse. You look like you're on the verge of death."
She chuckled, but it was obvious that she was terribly sick.
Tod put his hands on her shoulders, helping her down the stairs and walking her to the nurse's office. Nobody gave them any weird looks, so he didn't regret his choice. It was the right thing to do.
"Thank you." Clear said.
Tod forced a smile. "It's nothing. Feel better."
She nodded, and he walked away.
The rest of the school day passed by pretty quickly. He wanted to die, because his mind was repeating "She is nice. Alex was right, she is nice."
The air felt suffocating as he walked home, George was going somewhere with Carter, and Tod stopped asking for Alex to bring him home at some point.
"Sorry, man, Clear doesn't have anybody to pick her up, so.."
The memory of those words made him want to freak out. He clenched his hand into a fist, kicking a rock he saw on the concrete. When he tried kicking again, he tripped over it. Alex would've laughed at him.
By the time he got home and got into the shower, a bruise had formed on his knee. His parents didn't even bother to ask why he looked so irritated. Nobody bothered anymore.
That was a lie, and he knew it, but it felt like the world was ending. It felt like the right time to be angry, to expect more from people.
When would it be his turn?
Terry said it'd be soon. Billy said it'd be soon.
A knock on the door scared him, and he almost slipped. "Who is it?"
George's voice came from the other side of the door. "Alex is here! And mom wants to know if you want any of the steak tonight."
Tod froze. Alex visiting was rare nowadays, but the fact that he came uninvited was.. weird. Typically Tod was the spontaneous one.
"Uh.. yeah, that's good. Alex can come in, if he wants."
Before Clear, Alex and Tod would shower together. It wasn't weird to them at all, they'd just say they were preserving water, bonding. It was either that or one would shower while the other was just in the room. Sometimes it was hard to separate them.
George's footsteps faded out, and a new set of footsteps faded in, and Alex closed the door behind him as he entered.
Tod had the shower curtain covering him, but if he had peeked out, he'd see Alex drenched in rain and sweat. He did hear Alex's panting, and instantly became worried.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. Clear and I were walking, and it just started to rain. Uh.. so we started walking home, and Billy was chasing Carter down the street 'cause he stole his backpack, so I took Billy's place and chased him for.. fuck.. I don't even know. Clear thought it was funny."
Tod laughed at the story. Carter would never stop terrorizing Billy. "So, why come over here?"
Alex sat on the floor, taking his soaked jacket off. "I dunno. It just reminded me of when we'd walk home and find Billy getting into trouble. I feel like we aren't hanging out as much as we used to." He explained.
Tod scoffed. "Yeah, and whose fault is that?" The silence killed him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound-"
Alex cut him off. "It's okay. Dude, I'm fucking drenched in sweat. Could I hop in there with you?"
The water was burning hot, but Tod felt like his body was made of ice. It wasn't a new thing, they'd showered together so many times.. but it felt a little wrong. As much as he disliked her at the moment, he felt bad as he thought of Clear.
He shook that thought away. Alex didn't even like him. It wasn't cheating. Friends showered together all the time. He'd bet that George and Carter had showered together a few times before.
Alex shed his clothes, and stepped in, standing right behind Tod.
If Tod had turned around.. he didn't want to think about it. He'd probably die, or even worse, confess his love and beg for Alex to take him instead of beautiful and kind Clear.
The adjectives in his mind reminded him. He wasn't quite as beautiful or kind as she was. Not quite as smart or understanding, either. He could turn around without begging for his best friend. He could, as long as he kept it inside his head that Clear was better, that no matter what he said or did, Alex would choose her.
They were friends. They'd stay that way. He could stand it.
He turned around, smiling at Alex wincing from the unexpected burn.
"Make it a bit colder, man!" He whined.
Tod rolled his eyes, but he obeyed. He didn't like cold water at all, but he'd have to understand that Alex couldn't be okay with his skin burning.
They awkwardly switched spots so Alex could get some water on him. Tod had to take a moment to admire the sight in front him, the sight that was much more enticing than a piece of cake, the sight that was so seductive.
Alex washed his hair quickly, making a comment on how he missed the smell of Tod's shampoo. Tod had wanted to say he just missed the smell of Alex, but he didn't want to be creepy.
They switched spots again, and just as Tod reached for the shampoo, the man behind him pushed his hand away. Before he could turn around and ask what he was doing, Alex was rubbing shampoo-covered hands into his brown hair, massaging his scalp and making him comfortable.
Was he dreaming? He must've, because it was all too intimate. It was straight out of his dreams, a fantasy morphed from the depths of his diary from freshman year.
But as they both sank to the bottom of the tub, sitting down as Alex washed his hair with a gentleness he hadn't felt before.. it was real. Reality wasn't tricking him, not this time. Alex really was here, being sweeter than ever.
The water rinsed the soap from his hair, and at this point they should've gotten out, but neither wanted to.
"I know." Alex whispered.
Tod didn't want him to elaborate. He didn't want this to be happening. He didn't want to indulge into his wants even more than he already has.
"No, you don't." Tod replied.
"What do you mean?"
"You don't know how bad it is."
"Oh."
It was the truth. Alex thought he had it figured out, thought it was a quick crush that only sprouted because of how often they hung out. He didn't even know the half of it. He wasn't aware of the jealousy, of the wet dreams, the late night journaling, where every sentence had his name in it, the feeling of despair whenever he even spared a glance to Clear.
"You had said 'why don't you love me?', Tod. I've thought about it all day."
Tod laughed weakly, leaning against Alex, the sides of their heads touching. "I didn't think you heard me."
"We think wrong all the time."
"You sound like Clear." Tod mumbled.
"You sound like you hate Clear." Alex replied, his hand kneading the flesh of Tod's shoulder, trying to provide him some relief. He felt so tense.
Tod sighed, burying his face in Alex's neck for a brief moment, before looking him in the eye. "I can't. I've tried to, but she's too nice. I just hate that she got to you before I did.. but I get it."
Alex didn't respond, seemingly thinking hard about something.
"I'm sorry. You'll stay for dinner, won't you? I want to be your friend.. I don't.."
Alex nodded, sarcastically rolling his eyes. "Since you asked so nicely.."
Tod let out a sigh of relief, his body not as tense anymore. Things would be alright.
They sat up, and that tenseness came as quickly as it had left when Alex's lips pressed against his.
His eyes widened so much, he thought they'd pop out of his head, and he had to grab onto Alex's shoulder and thigh to keep himself from turning into jello and falling over.
Once it ended, Tod could only stare at Alex in pure and utter shock. His mouth hung open, his eyelids refusing to let him blink at all.
Alex stood up, helping Tod stand as well. They started drying off, but Tod grabbed onto Alex once he was about to redress.
"Don't- don't just pretend that didn't happen!"
"I'm sorry, Tod. That was a quick fucking decision, I didn't think at all." Alex spoke shakily, and it made Tod feel less alone. They were both confused.
Tod stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Alex, trying to find a way to understand him, understand what just happened. He didn't want to stop when Alex's nose touched his neck, his heart beating so fast that Tod could just barely feel it.
"Alex?"
"Oh, Tod.."
Their eyes met, and Alex kissed him again, much more gentle than before, so soft that it was like it didn't even happen.
They got dressed, Tod letting Alex borrow a pair of his pajamas, and they went to the kitchen, where his parents and George sat at the table.
Their plates of steak were ready for them, and Tod hated that he'd have to act normal for this. It seemed to come naturally to Alex, who was talking with George as if they hadn't just kissed, as if it had all just been a dream.
"I hate you." Tod said, taking a bite out of his steak.
His mother and father just laughed, used to their bickering. Alex nudged his knee under the table, and things continued as normal.
They all finished their food, and Alex helped Tod's dad out with the dishes while his mother called Alex's parents to come pick him up.
The car pulled up, and Tod walked Alex out.
"You'll come back soon, won't you?" Tod asked quietly, feeling embarrassed by the question.
"I will." Alex confirmed, smiling and walking off to the car.
The moon shined down on the porch, and Tod watched the car drive away. He stayed out there even when it was out of sight, wishing he could've had just a little bit longer with his best friend, just some more time alone.
He'd have to wait.