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If he thought it would help, he’d get a stack of posterboards and free hand the flow charts like massive, floppy flashcards. Babs has already told him twice that this is overkill but he just. Dick wants to give Damian every tool available to prepare for the gala.
So if he’s reskinned his contingency plan software (Tim’s is sleeker, with more functionalities and real-time probability modeling; the one Dick coded as a fifteenth birthday present to Babs is about eighty upgrades obsolete) into a massive social script, who’s going to stop him? Babs gave a thumbs up reaction when he asked and Alfred is at the resupply store getting olive oil and dishwasher soap. Never has the butler’s distrust for instashoppers been so helpful.
Steph took the night off to pound out an essay for her medical ethics class and Damian is at his painting lesson. The final one out of eight, and Wally’s holiday gift to Dami.
It’s just Dick, a watermelon Jarrito, and his beat up Nightwing laptop. Phoebe Bridgers is playing on vinyl (Steph’s holiday gift to Dick).
Greetings → Hand Shakes → How to avoid → Empty Hands → “Sorry, my hand is sticky.”
Greetings → Hand Shakes → How to avoid → Full Hands → “Sorry, my hands are full.”
Greetings → Hand Shakes → How to avoid → Contingency → Step behind Dick, he will say “Sorry, he’s shy.”
He drums his fingers beside the trackpad. As he typed, his shoulders slipped further and further down the couch. He’s practically lying down now, with his knees sticking up to properly angle his computer. He’s one flipped up hoodie away from a hacker best friend guest star role. He’s certainly got the eye bags and paranoia for it.
He blows a raspberry into the air. “What else?” he mumbles to himself.
He selected Damian’s introduction to the Gotham elite very carefully. The Policemen’s Ball. Automatically and to their advantage, Barbara and Jim are invited.
This gala has the added benefit of being hosted at a WE hotel this year, which means Dick is able to stack the guest list with allies. Lucius and his kids. Clark, Lois, and Jon.
People who Dick can, with some confidence, leave Damian with so Dick can take care of WE schmoozing and catch up with WE’s new majority shareholder.
His heart soars knowing Tim will be in attendance. Things are still tenuous, but they’re getting better. Dick’s doing everything in his power to ensure they’re getting better and that includes separating the boys for the entire event. He’s certain that, if given the chance, Dami will attempt to slit Tim’s throat to prove himself in front of as many people as possible. It’ll take more than a handful of serious conversations to instill in Damian that Tim’s existence is not a threat to his place in the family.
At the same time, Dick really doesn't want Tim to feel like he’s prioritizing Damian over him. He is, following the guiding principles of triage. But he doesn't want Tim to feel that way.
So, Damian will deign to chat with Barbara or maybe even check out the unofficial kids table with Jon. Jon doesn’t know gala etiquette, but he has the major benefit of seeing past all of Damian’s prickly bits.
Clark has promised to keep an ear on everything. But really, Dick will spend as little time away from Damian's side as possible.
Damian agreed to attend on the stipulation that he would be armed, to ‘properly manage the imbeciles.’ Dick assented without much discussion. His ceramic knife has passed through Gotham Academy’s metal detector every day. So far, he hasn’t stabbed any students.
(Threatened to, about everyone. Gut punched, a handful. Dislocated the arm of, one.) (In Damian’s defense to the last one, his IEP states that he’s to be warned about fire drills.)
Dick’s phone pings. An email from Annette with an updated RSVP list.
The Claudbury’s switched from ‘maybe’ to ‘yes.’
Damn.
Inappropriate Guest Behavior → Verbal → Racist comments → 1) Get Dick; 2) Dick will have the racist removed; 3) Dick will tank their net worth (which will hurt them more than physical assault I promise.)
There. That will.
He really hopes Damian doesn’t stab someone. (The gut punches at school were all employed after one of two statements, either regarding Bruce’s honor or Damian’s skin tone.)
“What else could go wrong?” He sends off a quick thanks to Annette. “Fire? Rogue attack? Kidnapping?”
He taps his thumb to the beat of Scott Street.
Oracle has been keeping a close eye on rogue activity and none of the chatter indicates a planned incursion of the Policemen’s Ball. Just in case, he links to the contingencies B and Tim created for Batman and Robin gala activities. Then the hotel’s fire, earthquake, and gas attack guidelines.
He scans back through his notes. Safe topics of conversation. Quick responses to various permutations of “How are you?”. The company line on Bruce’s whereabouts, Tim’s brief disappearance, and Damian’s adoption.
Everything physical for the gala is already prepared. Lucky Charms cereal bars, teriyaki-flavored dried seaweed, and speedster shakes have been shipped to the hotel kitchen.
The family’s preferred cobbler reinforced Wally’s shoes. Dick’s favorite tux has been refitted to hide the new muscle growth from his Batman-specific workout regimen. Damian’s suit is sitting on his bed.
As instructed, the tailor they met with last week only provided Damian with the softest fabrics to choose from. She’d lined the suit pants and button up with the textures Damian deemed acceptable.
Dick’s learning. Last time he asked Damian to wear something other than his worn sweats or the Robin suit was the ugly sweater for the holiday photo. Damian ripped it off halfway through the shoot and pitched it in the fire. His agitation grew when the fire was just a heater and some LEDs.
Dick’ll carry a set of earplugs in his pocket. Damian’ll refuse to wear them, too paranoid.
More tools.
Environment → Sound → Volume Level → Party is too loud → Wally will take you to our hotel room for a break.
He re-reads it. Too inspecific.
Environment → Sound → Volume Level → Party volume is causing discomfort→ 1) Tell Dick; 2) Wally will take you to Room 1001; 3) There will be a fifteen minute break; 4a) Return to gala OR 4b) Leave gala if after 10:00 PM.
Dick will have to stay past last call, reviewing everything with the event planners that evening, per WE protocol (aka, get Brucie’s attention before he disappears into the Manor for another three months). Wally’s handling returning home and bedtime and Dick’s going to sleep at the Wayne Suite in the hotel.
It’s just. Squeezing every drop of comfort and familiarity possible into this event.
He backtracks through the system until he can see the whole, swirling 3D model of contingencies.
He’s written Titans battle plans with fewer steps.
This is, without a doubt, overkill.
Not least because at no point has Damian indicated that he’s actually worried about the gala.
But. ‘Properly managing the imbeciles’ is Damian speak for ‘scared that I’m going to be hurt.’
Damian is perhaps the most apt example of the law of the instrument. Give a small boy a hammer, and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. So Dick is trying, trying, to scaffold literally any other option than a swift and merciful death.
He uploads his latest changes and lets his shoulders slump.
Damian’s class should be finishing up soon. He needs to drive over before too long. He’s tired, could use the scant fifteen minutes to rest his eyes. But first he needs to study the dossier Tim sent over about the gala attendees and WE’s intentions with them.