Chapter Text
This was it: the final push. Everything they worked for and all they endured over the past few months led to this. Now the only thing standing between them and their target was the agonizingly long trip to Ilos. It would still be the better part of a day before they reached their destination, despite the fact they were on the most advanced ship available. Normally the downtime would be a welcome break but now... the wait was agonizing.
Reports lined every flat surface within the Normandy’s captain’s quarters, not that Shepard felt comfortable calling her room by that official title – especially now, after what they did to escape the Citadel. That was simply one thought among many she was desperate to keep at bay by any means possible, so she frantically picked up the nearest tablet and dove in. Rereading the dry material was a small distraction, but it was all she could muster to maintain a modicum of sanity. It didn’t help much. The info contained within every single OSD was ingrained in her brain and she could probably recite it backwards and forwards if prompted. She didn’t let that stop her, though. She needed to keep busy somehow and any other option would inevitably lead to more trouble. Besides, there was always a chance, however small, that she would find something she somehow missed before, some small piece of info that could make a difference. That was what she kept telling herself, anyway.
A light tap on the door broke the silence in the room. A slight, crooked smile danced across her lips for a fleeting moment before she pulled herself together and called out, "It's open.”
A soft whoosh of the cabin door announced the new arrival. Shepard looked up from the screen, blinking several times to let her eyes adjust from the OSD’s dim light, but it was merely a formality. She already knew who graced her threshold. The familiar hum in the back of her mind announced his arrival before he even knocked. Nothing could’ve prepared her for what awaited her, though. The muscular silhouette practically filled the doorway, perfectly framed by the bright lights outside the cabin, and it was quite the sight.
"What brings you by, Alenko?" she asked casually, but there was warmth to her voice she wasn't expecting. Nerves and exhaustion had made her less careful than usual.
Back straight and head held high, Lieutenant Alenko was all business as he entered her quarters. If he noticed any change he had the good sense not to acknowledge it. A few strides later he came to rest on the other side of Shepard’s desk, one hand full of reports and the other balancing a heaping monstrosity of some sort. How he managed to knock was beyond her. He waited patiently for Shepard to clear a spot since his only other options were to biotically shove everything clear or simply stand with both hands full. Moments later the stack of tablets clattered and shifted as he set them down harder than necessary.
"I couldn't sleep," he shrugged, the movement little more than a slight jerk of one muscular shoulder, before continuing, "so I was just going over all these reports. I keep hoping I missed something." His eyes locked with hers for a second. Everything she felt, her fears, hopes, and everything she didn't dare voice, reflected back at her in that one moment. His features were tight, the tension obviously getting to him as well, but he managed a small grin. "I knew you’d still be up too so I figured I’d stop by so we could trade reports. Who knows? Maybe fresh eyes will find something." He reached back and grabbed a mug, presenting it with a flourish. "And I brought coffee."
"Oh my god, I love you!" The words left Shepard's lips before her mind caught up. In any other instance, with any other person, they’d be nothing more than a sentiment of appreciation for a kind thought. It was just somehow… different this time, though. She buried her face in the mug to hide the blush creeping up her cheeks, and that small action sent her senses overboard. The steam warmed her nose, the dark, robust scent softened by sugary vanilla undertones. She couldn’t resist the temptation a second longer. She closed her eyes and savored that first sip - the fact that it kept her from seeing his reaction was just an added bonus. The java ambrosia caressed her tongue, the hot coffee sweet and creamy just like she preferred on late nights. A soft moan filled her cup as the liquid dessert warmed her to the core.
Alenko chuckled lightly. "You think that's good? It was just the warm-up; you haven't even seen what else I brought." With that, he produced a plate overflowing with goodies. "It’s hard to fit enough snacks for two biotics on one tray but I think I've got us covered for a few hours."
Shepard let the mug fall away from her face, her green eyes wide at the glorious sight of all her favorites piled together in one place. That was no accident; Alenko clearly paid attention, as nothing she loved was missing. Her stomach tightened as her mind dwelled on the implications of his thoughtfulness, but it was short-lived due to the more innate drive of hunger. A low grumble broke the silence, an audible reminder that she’d been too caught up in the task at hand to eat dinner.
Alenko’s warm, soft laughter filled the room. "Sounds like I'm just in time. Clearly someone needs to remind you to eat, so… eat." He pushed the tray closer to Shepard and sat back, a report in one hand and his own mug in the other, content to let Shepard eat her fill before he took a single bite.
Something about Alenko was distracting in the best way possible, his mere presence drawing her gaze like a moth to the flame. Shepard snuck quick glances over the OSD in her hand. Alenko's brow furrowed in concentration, the worry and stress visible on his features, and she had to fight the urge to reach out and smooth the creases away. Instead, she buried her face in another report.
They worked in amicable silence until the coffee was long gone, their empty mugs cold; the tray was spotless, without a single crumb marring its surface. Shepard finally broke the silence. "So, should we trade reports? Honestly, I've been over mine so many times I know them all by heart. I could use something new to look at." She extended her hand with the offering.
The solitary tablet breached the gap between them. Alenko returned the gesture in kind until both tablets filled this grey area between their personal spaces, yet he made no move to retrieve the other. Neither was completely willing to make the first move. It was a standoff. Shepard raised one eyebrow, a faint smile playing across her lips. “On the count of three?” she teased gently to break the tension, and was rewarded with a low chuckle. The momentary indecision was over. She reached out for the new report, purposefully aiming high enough to lightly brush his hand in the process. It was just a quick, innocent touch that she somehow couldn't resist; a simple need for human contact and nothing more. That’s what she told herself, at least. Electricity snapped between them, but it was nothing compared to the jolt of surprise that shot through her heart as his fingers danced across her extended hand as well.
Their eyes locked. There was a heat in that gaze that she never dared contemplate before.
Shepard’s heart beat in her throat as they held hands across her desk, the pretense of trading reports all but forgotten. The low hum that was always in the back of her head when they were near one another was now a beautiful harmony filling her body, their biotics making music only they could hear. Energy sparked along the small circles his thumb traced on her fingers. Both their hands shook, a sensation she found both endearing and exciting. This was it. They each only need take one step to breach the gap…
Three loud knocks broke the silence, the only warning before the door to Shepard's quarters slid open. Pressly strode in without invitation, his eyes eagerly taking in the scene. His look of triumph quickly gave way to a deep frown that hinted at some sort of disappointment.
Shepard looked up from her desk, a report in one hand and coffee mug in the other. "Can I help you, Pressly?" she asked as professionally as possible, her tired voice sharpened with a hint of warning. She kept an open door policy within reason, but nobody ever took advantage of it by walking in uninvited before now. This was not something she’d accept without good reason. Somebody's hair better be on fire.
Pressly's eyes darted between Shepard and Lieutenant Alenko, whose postures mirrored one another. She barely managed to get herself into a believable position before Pressly barged in, so it was a great relief to see Alenko followed her lead masterfully. Somehow they both managed to remain silent while scurrying like mice – more like teenagers caught in the act. The marine sat comfortably on the opposite side of the room with reports stacked next to him and one in his hand. Pressly shook his head slightly in disbelief.
Shepard chose to take that as an answer to her question, and she wasn't happy. "Is there a reason you barged into my quarters, then?" she demanded, the question direct and to the point.
The thinly veiled accusation snapped the navigator out of his shock. He took a moment to pull himself together. Slender hands smoothed his uniform, then he pulled his shoulders back to imply a confidence he lacked and present an air of authority he didn't quite possess. "I was just reporting in, ma'am." He saluted sharply as an afterthought and then cleared his throat self-consciously.
Shepard made the most of his pause. "That’s usually something that can wait a few seconds for an invitation. Keep that in mind for future reference." Her voice was cool and hard as her eyes narrowed sharply on the navigator.
The weight of her gaze was too much for him to maintain his haughty stance. He withered under the heat of her stare. "Yes, ma'am; sorry ma'am," he apologized, fidgeting nervously with his cufflinks. "I just came to tell you we’re running with the skeleton crew. We’re on course and schedule for arrival tomorrow and all essential staff have been briefed." The navigator stopped speaking, but his mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water as his eyes darted between the commander and the lieutenant. Neither of them moved, and the room sat in silence for a few beats. If he wanted to say more he thought better of it.
Shepard waited patiently to see how daring Pressly would be, but it was apparent he used all the gall he could muster with the initial intrusion. "Is that all?” she asked, daring him to say more. “Then you’re relieved of duty for the night. I recommend you take advantage of this time and get some much needed rest, as you’ll have the ship once we’re groundside. I need you at your best." Shepard held the Pressly’s gaze until he nodded, but he didn’t move. "Is there anything else?"
"Um… no, ma'am, that… that’s all," he stammered.
"Then you’re dismissed. Thank you." Shepard turned her attention to the tablet in her hand, a physical signal of her dismissal, and waited for the door to slide closed. Several seconds passed before the soft whoosh announced his departure. Shepard held a finger up as soon as the door closed, silencing Alenko before he could speak, and her eyes glued to her now-closed door. She cocked her head to one side, listening. She spoke after a pregnant pause while her hand continued to hold her companion silent. "Lieutenant, I have a question about this report. The load-out mentioned on the second page…"
The sentence died on her lips and her hand dropped into her lap. She pulled her eyes from the door and met Alenko's questioning gaze. "He was listening in at the door."
"I don't understand. Why was he listening? Why did he just barge in to begin with?" The barrage of questions was punctuated by Kaidan's dark brows knitting in confusion. This was behavior well outside the norm for the navigator to begin with. And such blatant disrespect was unheard of under Shepard’s command.
Shepard sighed heavily and set her props to the side. "Someone made accusations of fraternization. It was all anonymous, of course, but I had my suspicions. Apparently I was correct." She had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. The whole situation would be utterly ridiculous if it didn't have such potentially damning repercussions.
"Who's fraternizing?" Kaidan leaned in as he asked. The prospect of some juicy gossip apparently piqued the lieutenant's interest.
Shepard wouldn't meet his eyes. She busied herself straightening the stack of reports in front of her as she gathered her thoughts and chose her words carefully. "The accusation was brought to my attention by Admiral Hackett during our Virmire debrief." The weight of the words, the implications, and all the emotional pain they caused hung in the air. She glanced over at the now-mute lieutenant and found him standing mouth agape. It was obvious even in the soft glow of her room that his tan skin paled considerably with that revelation. Shepard picked at a callus on her finger, a nervous tick she never quite broke, as she continued. "I assured him the accusations were unfounded and furthermore, my actions on that mission were as by-the-book as you could get."
Shepard squared her shoulders and finally dared looked the lieutenant in the eye. This was serious and he needed see her confidence. "And I meant it. He agreed, but I could tell he wasn't fully convinced."
The weight of the situation caught up to her in that moment. Shepard dropped her head into her hands and rubbed her face wearily. "I assume Pressly thought he was going to get proof of his suspicions. That's why he looked so disappointed. In fact…" Shepard pulled up a screen on her desk and tapped a few buttons. "His line’s engaged. I'd bet a week’s pay that he’s passing on his report. He isn't even trying to hide it; he wants me to know." Shepard closed down the window in disgust. "One little rumor and all respect goes flying out the airlock," she spat, the words bitter and foul in her mouth. She expected more from her crew… and more from herself.
The large stack of OSDs swayed as Shepard roughly grabbed a report from the top, her face suddenly dark."How did I let myself get into this?" she growled as she threw the tablet across the room. Sparks lit up the shadowy corner on impact, the screen flickering twice before going dark. "I promised myself I’d never let this happen," she barely whispered, but the words had a surprising power that stung to her very core. She turned away, the guilt too raw to share. Silence fell over the room as she contemplated everything. Alenko followed suit, patiently waiting for her to break the stillness. Seconds turned to minutes, but Shepard never moved.
"My mom has an excellent service record." She spoke with her back to Alenko, her words barely audible, yet they shattered the thick silence that had built up. It wasn't clear if she was speaking to him or herself until she spun around. "Do you know why she isn't an admiral?" Alenko blinked in confusion, but she didn't wait for an answer. "You're looking at it. She went out on an extended tour a young soldier and returned a mother-to-be. She tried to play it off that I was the product of shore leave but the math just didn't add up. They decided not to let it slide – to make an example of her. The powers-that-be offered leniency if she gave up my father, but she refused. As a result, they threw everything they could at her and that’s followed her for her entire career." The story spilled out of her, pent up for too long. He was the first person she ever told. Shepard stood tall, shoulders back and chin high in defiance of the lifetime of guilt she carried for this. The only other person in the room would never hold it against her, but that thought never crossed her mind until that very moment. His look of compassion softened her resolve, her anger, but she wasn't done. "Every once in awhile someone still offers her a big promotion with the caveat that she reveals my father in return. It’s usually someone who thinks they have it figured out. They want to take my father down a few notches and climb up in his place. They’re usually dead wrong, but my mother won't respond either way. And so she sits, well below the rank she deserves." Shepard walked over to her nightstand and began mindlessly rearranging everything. She had to keep herself busy.
"Hell, even Anderson fielded several inquiries once I was made Spectre. They were trying to get to me. He told them all how horrible they were for reminding me of my fatherless upbringing and said I was as clueless as they were." Shepard chuckled, but there was no mirth. "He finished each and every response with the reminder that any future questions of that nature would not be answered diplomatically and would most likely involve fists, either his or mine." She stopped talking for several moments and sat on the bed, lost in her own thoughts, gaze unfocused.
Kaidan leaned against the wall. His mouth opened and then closed silently; every thought that sprung to mind was silenced before they reached his lips, partially out of common sense but mostly because he respected her. He’d be as patient as she needed.
They held these positions, still as statues, for several minutes before she finally spoke again. "Anderson's a good man. He's always done his best to protect me – ever since I was a baby," she whispered, more to herself than for anyone else. She snapped out of her trance-like state with a hard blink and turned her attention to the man on the other side of the room. "Did you know there was a rumor that Anderson is actually my father? Can you believe it? Anyone with half a brain could see that isn't the case. Hell, a little digging would tell them he and my mom didn't even meet until I was walking. They all suck as investigators." A wry smile crossed her lips as she continued. "It still pops up every once in awhile. I like that one, though; it really gets people going. It helps throw everyone off the scent, too."
"So you do know who your father is, then?" Alenko finally voiced the question that had been eating at him since this conversation began. Well, it was part of the bigger question, but he knew better than to pry. If she knew who her father was, she would tell him when she was ready and not a moment sooner.
Shepard laughed bitterly. "Of course I know. I figured it out years before they actually told me. I let them think I was clueless, but I knew. Anderson knew I figured it out, though. He always said I was too smart for my own good." A small, almost wistful smile played along her lips as she thought about her mentor and how much he meant to her, but her lips pulled down as her thoughts turned to darker territory once more. "I've already heard about the fraternization accusations from him – my father, I mean." She glanced in Alenko's direction, and then looked down at her hands, unwilling and unable to maintain eye contact any longer.
"He knew about them before I did?" Kaidan blurted out, the surprise evident. She merely nodded. "How? When was I going to find out?"
Shepard sighed heavily before she spoke. "Don't worry about the how. He has his ways. And I wasn't going to say anything to you because there was nothing to say. They were baseless accusations," she explained wearily with a shrug. It was meant to be a light gesture but it was slow, burdened. "It wasn't a fun conversation, though. I got to hear how disappointed he was. Why do parents always pull that one out?" An almost child-like expression of exasperation slid across her features. "Then he went on about how my mom's sacrifice meant nothing to me if I refused to learn from their mistakes. I tried to tell him that nothing actually happened but he didn't believe me. He said I was compromised."
"Why didn't he believe you?" The question was soft, but there was heaviness behind it… as if the answer held the weight of the world.
"Because he knows me."
Kaidan crossed the room in two strides and crouched in front of Shepard. He was careful to leave space between them, to not touch her without invitation. She still wouldn't meet his eyes, so he squatted lower until she had no choice but to turn her head to avoid eye contact. She didn't turn away. "What do you mean by that?"
Shepard flinched. Emotions flittered across her face while she tried to look away, but he moved to maintain eye contact. A heavy blush crept up her neck as she shook her head. She had no intention of answering that question.
But he needed and answer – they needed an answer – so he tried a different approach. He took a slow, steady breath and asked a different, but equally important question. "What is it you want – here, between us?"
Shepard’s heart pounded in her chest every bit as hard as on the battlefield. That was what this was after all – an emotional battlefield. If she wasn't careful, one or both of them would end up hurt. She shook her head. Once she answered that question there’d be no going back. He wasn't going to let this go without an answer though, and she knew it. "It doesn't matter what I want. There are strict regs and we’re both soldiers." She knew it wasn’t really an answer but she hoped it would be enough.
It wasn't.
"Fuck regs!" Kaidan exclaimed, and Shepard blinked in shock at his outburst, never expecting it from him. A slight blue swirl danced across his skin. In all their time together, after all the missions they’d shared, he’d never been this worked up. He took a deep breath, got himself under control, and continued. "I didn't ask about them and, quite frankly, they aren't my concern right now. I want to know what you want. What you would want if none of that were part of the equation."
"But they are,” she replied automatically, distantly. She was going cold, disconnecting from her emotions to protect herself.
Kaidan shook his head, unwilling to let it go. "Fine, pretend we’re both civvies. We live a nice quiet life in some little backwater colony somewhere. And don't…" he held up a hand to stop her from interrupting as he continued. "Don't tell me that isn't the case. We both know that. So just answer the damn question."
Shepard knew she had to answer. He deserved that much at least. She took a deep, steadying breath to prepare. "If that were the case we wouldn't be having this conversation." She looked deep into his beautiful whisky colored eyes and admitted the truth they’d both avoided for so long. "We would've been together for a long time now. And we both know it."
He closed the gap between them in a heartbeat; his lips danced just above hers. Only her hand planted firmly in his chest kept them apart. Her palm tingled from the electricity arcing between them, both literal and figurative. The muscles in his chest rippled under his shirt, her fingers instinctively digging in slightly. His breath caught in a jagged gasp, hot on her lips. Shepard's attention was drawn to the rapid, deep thumping underneath her shaking palm. His heart was racing, keeping time with hers – a primitive, almost musical beat.
"Why stop this?" he whispered against her mouth. She licked her lips instinctively; her tongue accidentally brushed his mouth, eliciting a soft sigh. A jolt of surprise shivered down her spine; he was so close… She leaned back and shook her head to clear it, to regain some composure. She could barely think over the sound of his biotics harmonizing with her own. Her strength and resolve weakened by the second, so she pulled back to steel herself.
"I did learn from my parents' mistake," she explained softly. "I watched them sneak around my entire life, unable to publically be who they wanted and with whom they wanted. I watched my mom's career stall out so she couldn't reach the level she was destined to. And I won't do that to you... or let you do it to yourself. You deserve more." Unshed tears blurred her vision but she ignored them. She didn't dare blink lest the pool of tears spill over, and she refused to cry. Commander Shepard didn't cry… at least not in front of anyone else. Eyes wide, she continued.
"You’re too good a soldier to be dragged down by politics…" she quavered as she turned away from him, and he didn't have the heart to stop her. "…by me," she added in a whisper. The heat of his hand ghosted along her arm, never quite touching, and she ached for his touch but feared it in equal measure. The fear for him - for both of them - was like a rock in her gut. "Someone would find out, and in almost no time. People are already watching us uncomfortably close and that is without anything to watch."
"So I put in a transfer request and we do this by the books." Kaidan's voice was tinged with desperation. He lightly cupped her chin and tried to turn her face back to his, but she refused. The combination of what he said and how he said it broke her heart. She couldn't bear to see it written across his face.
She shook her head until she found her voice. "We're a good team. I've never worked with anyone else who meshed so well with my style – my way of fighting. I don't want to lose that. It's precious to me." She took another deep breath to keep the tears at bay. This was the truth she even tried to deny herself… but she couldn't any longer. It had to be voiced. "And I would constantly worry about you. It would destroy me to know you were out there, somewhere in harm's way, and I could do nothing to protect you. At least this way I can do everything in my power to make sure you're safe." A bitter hiccup of a laugh escaped her throat. There it was. Her father was right all along. "And that is why I'm compromised. That is exactly why those rules exist."
Shepard pulled away from Alenko completely, stood, and crossed the room. She needed distance for this. She couldn't continue with his warmth on her skin, his scent enveloping her, and his biotics vibrating to her very core. Everything was so much colder, darker, without him near her. A shiver ran through her body from the horrible combination of cold and dread. "I've already broken regs in my heart and mind. I can't allow myself to finish the job." She studied him from the corner of one eye, unable to face him.
Kaidan stood but he was no longer the strong, confident man she knew. His shoulders slumped and his head hung, barely obscuring the look on his handsome face. She’d done exactly what she desperately tried to avoid: break his heart. There was no way to undo this, to unsay everything that was exposed tonight. All she could do was try to be the commander to his lieutenant. They still had the mission before them and she couldn't let this affect it.
"You should get some rest. We have a big day ahead of us and I need you at your best," she spoke into to the wall. The big, strong commander was too weak to watch the man of her dreams walk out the door. She hugged her arms to herself and held her breath, waiting for the sound she dreaded most.
The doors whooshed closed quietly behind her.