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“Hey there, hot shot.”
Sebastian is grinning at Kurt when Kurt opens the door for him, and despite his best intentions Kurt is unable to suppress a smile of his own. They hadn’t arranged to meet, but that doesn’t mean Sebastian’s is a surprised visit - he often turns up unannounced, especially after he gets back from another of his ‘trips’. In fact, Kurt has actually picked him up from the airport on occasion, and knowing that Sebastian had gotten back the previous day -the plane had landed at 9.53am with a delay of two hours due to engine problems. not that Kurt had checked.- he’d actually been waiting for his door bell to ring for almost two whole days.
“Hey yourself,” he smiles as he accepts the large bouquet Sebastian’s holding out for him with a nod of his head, “and you brought free flowers! Aren’t I a lucky boy?”
Kurt’s voice is dripping with amused sarcasm, and Sebastian pouts as he slips past him.
“Hey - I actually paid for those, okay?”
He shrugs off his coat, hanging it on the back of the dining room chairs, and Kurt calls out to him from where he’s already disappeared in the kitchen in search of a vase.
“What, Jeremy wasn’t there?”
“His sister’s getting married today,” Sebastian shouts back, and Kurt laughs. He knows that the fact that Jeremy, the clerk at the flower shop a few blocks down, is completely smitten with Sebastian and often gives Sebastian a free rose or small bouquet, isn’t the only reason why Sebastian likes to spoil him with flowers, but somehow it’s nice to get the confirmation he still does it when he has to pay for them too.
“Well,” he says, walking back to the living room with the flowers now neatly arranged in a vase, “in that case: my apologies, and you shouldn’t have done that. Thank you.”
“I didn’t do it because I had to,” Sebastian says, somehow managing to make it sound smooth and casual at the same time. “But you’re welcome. Now are you going to actually give me a proper hello or are you going to just leave me here?”
He tilts his head at Kurt from where he's standing in the middle of the living room, his arms open in a clear invitation, and Kurt sighs.
“Sebastian...”
“It’s just a hug, Kurt,” Sebastian pleads, though he has the decency not to pout, at least. “And I haven’t seen you in two weeks, so just... please?”
He’s standing right in the middle of Kurt’s path from the dining table to the couch, but Kurt knows he could easily sidestep him and Sebastian wouldn’t ask again. He knows because it’s what he usually does, and so his hesitance derives not so much from not wanting to as it does from really, really wanting to...
But it's just a hug, right?
Before he can second guess himself he takes the two steps that separate him from Sebastian and lets Sebastian wrap his arms around him, lets himself be enveloped by his heat and the faint smell of his after shave. His own arms are carefully folded between their chests, his face buried against the soft skin of Sebastian’s neck, and he lets out a deep breath as he relaxes against the man holding him. He doesn’t often allow himself to do this anymore, not since they’d ended up in bed together a few months ago, and he’s missed it so. damn. much.
Too much.
Even if it’s been over a year since their horrendous break-up, it’s still hard for Kurt to be around Sebastian, to keep his distance and remind himself that Sebastian is just a friend. Friends who hang out, who go to the movies, who invite each other over for dinner, who go shopping together, who tell each other everything (not that, though. they don’t talk about that, not if Kurt can help it.). So - friends. Best friends, really, but still... just friends.
“So, how was your trip to Paris?” Kurt finally asks as he untangles himself from their embrace, both to distract him from his thoughts and remind himself just why he shouldn’t have those thoughts in the first place, and he pretends not to notice how Sebastian holds on to his wrist just a little too long as he starts towards the bar to pour them each a glass of wine. “Had fun?”
“It was... okay.” Sebastian sounds surprisingly calm and collected, but when Kurt glances over his shoulder with a frown his face splits open in a wide grin. “Just kidding - it was awesome!"
He immediately saunters over to the couch, enthusiastically starting the story as he goes.
“We went to Switzerland for a couple of days - we’d just planned to go hiking or something, you know how we usually improvise those things... but like halfway on the first day we met this lady, 76 years old, imagine, still living on her own somewhere up in the mountains - and she made her own schnaps. So we had one, of course, and another, and another, and god - I swear I’ve never been that wasted in my life.”
“Wow,” Kurt says appreciatively, handing Sebastian a glass as he sits down, one leg curled underneath him. “Must’ve been bad - I heard that’s a really high bar.”
Sebastian gives him a little playful shove, but Kurt shrugs it off with a smile.
“So how was the hangover?”
“No, see, that was the best part!” Sebastian exclaims enthusiastically. “There wasn’t any! Fresh mountain air, I guess, I don’t know, I’m pretty sure the effects of alcohol are supposed to be stronger the higher you go, but... nothing. So basically we stayed there the whole time, helped her out in the garden and Pierre made her a drawing of her and her house to thank her. And then we found out her grandson had just started his own company, he organized these excursions where you could go paragliding and Kurt - it was amazing. That sense of freedom you get... like, you’re literally flying! We’ve got to do that some time, I’m sure we could do it somewhere upstate, or - imagine: over the Grand Canyon!”
“You go right ahead,” Kurt says, rolling his eyes in amusement at Sebastian’s enthusiasm. “But I’m not doing anything - fear of heights, remember?”
“But you can’t fall!” Sebastian tries. “That’s just the whole point, it’s like... safe falling!”
Kurt immediately bursts out laughing, shaking his head as Sebastian first continues to try to convince him and then switches back to yet another good story from his trip. It’s always like this when Sebastian gets back from France - he bubbles and sparkles like champagne from a bottle that’s been thoroughly shaken before opening; and not the cheap kind either. The ‘Pierre-effect’ Kurt calls it in the safety of his own mind, and if it had once caused the jealousy to flare up high in his chest, now it barely even lits a spark anymore - it is simply too endearing to see Sebastian like this.
“...isit his parents on our way back,” Sebastian is already continuing with the next story, “and oh my god - his brothers have grown so much since I last saw them! Jean especially, he’s losing the boyishness, turning into a real man. He even had a new girlfriend he wanted to show off this time, it was hilarious.”
“Wait,” Kurt interrupts him, a little confused, “aren’t his brothers like... super young, though?”
Sebastian nods.
“Pierre’s dad was sixteen when he had Pierre, but then he did the whole marrying thing at the more, well, conventional age, also, so... I know Jean was born when Pierre started college so... he must be like... ten, now? It was just really sweet - he said he wanted her to be his only girlfriend because that way he could give her all his love and she would stay with him forever. Because Pierre has all these boyfriends who only get bits of love and that’s why they never stay and he doesn’t want that.”
“Oh - outch,” Kurt cringes, but Sebastian laughs.
“Yeah well...” he shrugs, “Pierre tried explaining to him he actually likes it that way, but Jean said it was still stupid. Cheers, by the way.”
They clink their glasses in a toast, and Kurt rolls his eyes when Sebastian insists they look into each other’s eyes as they do.
“Seven years of bad sex at stake here, Kurt,” Sebastian chides him gently. “You just can’t do that to me, come on - I thought you were my friend.”
“You and your European quirks,” Kurt says in amusement as he takes a sip from his glass, “I don’t understand why you don’t just move to Paris already for all you seem to love it there. You’re already there like every other week anyway.”
“Not every other week,” Sebastian protests, and Kurt quirks an eyebrow, unimpressed.
“You were there three weeks ago,” he says, “and you just came back yesterday from another trip. That’s basically every other week.”
“Cause I start my PhD in just four days and I wanted to get in as much holidays as possible before that!” Sebastian explains, a little agitated. “I usually only go every two or three months or so.”
“I maintain it would be cheaper to just stay there,” Kurt shrugs. “Not to mention easier. And I’m sure Pierre wouldn’t mind.”
“Well, I would,” Sebastian says, and he immediately starts counting on his fingers. “He doesn’t clean up his dirty socks, he only ever does the dishes when he runs out of plates, he’s still wearing the same clothes I got him when I was first there, and he refuses to get rid of one of the couches so we could finally get an actual table. Don’t get me wrong: I love him to bits. He’s still that wonderful, life-loving, happy-go-lucky guy he was six years ago, but... I’m not, you know? I’m not who I was when I first fell in love with him, and I just... I can’t get back to being that guy. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Besides - I have my job here in New York. My family, my friends, ... you.”
He pauses, and Kurt looks away, unable to face the look in Sebastian’s eyes - that look of pure adoration -and, dare he think it, love- that seems to be there always, that intense gaze that always speaks so much louder than words.
“Look, Kurt, I-”
“Don’t,” Kurt immediately cuts in. It’s yet another thing that invariably happens whenever Sebastian returns from France, aside from the bubbliness and the enthusiasm - it was exactly how Kurt had given in all those months ago. But even if he couldn’t regret it no matter how often he told himself he should, he couldn’t let it happen again. “Don’t say it. Just... don’t.”
“But it’s tr-”
“I know it’s true!”
Kurt slams his glass down on the coffee table with just a little too much force.
“I know you love me,” he exasperates as he starts pacing the room. “I know you love me and you miss me - and I miss you too. But you love him. You love him too and I just... don’t know how to cope with that, okay.”
It feels like a déjà vu - and it is. Because they’ve been here before, they’ve had this discussion over and over again the past year or so, and Kurt wishes they could find a way to break the cycle, to move on instead of just hanging in this gray zone of want and can’t-have.
“But what does it matter how I feel about him as long as I choose you?” Sebastian pleads, watching Kurt over the back of the couch. “I choose you, I want you. You are what’s most important to me.”
“Now you know that’s not true!” Kurt spins around, spitting out the words. “So don’t say it - don’t you dare tell me I’m the most important one when you chose him over me!”
“When the hell did I do that?” Sebastian exclaims, the surprise and confusion clearly visible on his face. “I never-”
“You stayed with him!” Kurt yells, the sole memory of Sebastian telling him he would be staying in Paris infuriating him even further. “It was our anniversary and you chose to stay with him!”
“I chose TIME!” Sebastian all but jumps out of the couch, turning so he can face Kurt fully. “I chose time and space to think - Kurt - I’d spent four years thinking that I killed Pierre, feeling like a freaking criminal. And then suddenly I find out it’s not true - it was never true. The whole reason why I was so scared to let you even touch me - something I know was an immense source of frustration and insecurity to you... All those frustrations, half of the fights we’d had: it all could’ve been avoided if only I’d known then what I know now. Except, of course, if I had I would never have left Paris in the first place and I would never even have met you.
“Seeing Pierre again, hearing him tell me that it was okay, that everything was okay... that was one of the best and the worst moments of my life. Because being happy about finding him again felt like a betrayal to you, and being happy about having found you instead felt like a betrayal to him. Because I'd left him, Kurt. I was a coward and I left him and I broke his heart all the while telling myself I was doing him a favor by disappearing out of his life. Do you have any idea how it felt to have that thrown back at me? To see that hurt in his eyes even after four years? And I’m really sorry, but that is not the sort of thing you can just shrug off in one day!”
He has to stop to take a breath, dragging his hands through his hair as he tries to recollect himself, and Kurt folds his arms over his chest.
“I still don’t see why you had to stay in Paris,” he says stubbornly, and Sebastian sighs.
“Because I needed time and space for myself. Try to find some peace in that mess.”
“So you just hung out with Pierre for two weeks.”
“Yes,” Sebastian says sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “I hung out with Pierre for two weeks, never left his side, fucked him every night and every day. Come on, Kurt, I know you got into trouble because the bill the hotel sent your company had an extra twelve nights tucked on top of Fashion Week instead of just three as you had asked for. And don't you even dare insinuate I'd do it just to make it seem I didn't sleep with him, or that he stayed with me instead. I didn’t so much as touch him, Kurt, I didn’t touch anyone until I came back to you and you told me it was over.”
“Not my fault you hadn’t gotten the message when I left you on that street,” Kurt huffs.
“Well then, excuse me for being an optimist hoping we’d be able to work it out,” Sebastian shoots back indignantly. He bites his lip, clearly waiting for Kurt to say something, and when he doesn’t, he takes a deep breath. “I only applied to New York colleges, Kurt. I only applied for scholarships I could carry out in New York. You really think I did that to be with Pierre? You really think I would be here if I wanted to be there? I’m pretty, not stupid, remember?” He sighs, dragging his hand over his face. “I came back to you, Kurt. I always come back to you. And I always will.”
“You do realize that sounds kinda creepy-stalkerish, right?” Kurt asks. But he still can’t bring himself to look up and face Sebastian, and he wraps his arms around himself a little tighter, as if that can protect him against the hope that has flared up in his chest at Sebastian’s words.
“Then tell me to go,” Sebastian says challengingly. “Tell me you don’t want me and I promise I’ll let it go and never mention it again. Remember our first date? Remember how you told me I was a wuss, how you accused me of making excuses instead of taking a risk? You’re doing the exact same thing now, Kurt. Please, just... give us a chance, that's all I'm asking for. We had a good thing going and we could have it again, I know we could!”
“No, we can’t!” Kurt exasperates, finally looking up at Sebastian. “Not when you go to Paris every so often, not when you take home a different guy each time you go out.”
“Then I’ll stop doing that,” Sebastian pleads. “Kurt, please, I’ve done it before, I can do it again, I really can. If you’d just give me a chance...”
“And then what, Sebastian?” Kurt huffs. “Then what? We’ll be together forever and ever, happily ever after? Do you really believe that?”
There are tears pooling in his eyes, because this is what it always comes down to, isn’t it? This is where it always goes wrong.
“I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. Being with you... nothing has ever made me feel more alive. But I can’t do it again, Sebastian, I just can’t. Oh, I know, you’ll do your best and it’ll all be fine for a couple of months, a year, maybe. And then you’ll start missing it. You’ll start craving it. Or are you really telling me you’re prepared to give up seeing Pierre forever just to be with me? You could try, but you wouldn’t be happy, Sebastian, you know you wouldn’t be. And how could I be happy knowing you’re not and it’s my fault?”
“What, and you’re happy now?” Sebastian asks sarcastically. “When was the last time you went out, Kurt? You broke up with me nearly a year and a half ago - have you even tried dating someone else since then?”
The truth behind the words stings. Because of course Kurt isn’t happy - how can he be when he’s in love with a man he knows he could never make happy, who could never make him happy, but who he nevertheless can’t seem to shake off? How can he move on when he still wakes up painfully hard two, three times a week, dreams piercing green eyes and a wicked smile following him into reality?
But if he tells that to Sebastian, it will only make him more tenacious.
“I’m perfectly content being single,” he therefore protests haughtily, sticking his chin in the air. “Just because I don’t feel the need to get laid every weekend doesn’t mean I’m not content with my life. It’s just me and myself, and that’s a perfectly acceptable life choice.”
“It is... if it actually makes you happy,” Sebastian snaps. “Jolene hasn’t seen you for weeks. It’s the calmest month of the season and you’re working overtime every. single. day. You’re not ‘content’, Kurt, and you’re definitely not happy, and it’s killing me to see you like this.”
“You’re not responsible for my happiness.”
“Neither are you for mine but you still claim the only reason you don’t want to get back together is because you think it’ll make me unhappy.”
“That’s because it will!”
Kurt presses his hands against his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from rolling freely, but despite his best efforts he can’t hold in a sob, and Sebastian sighs, biting his lip.
“It doesn’t have to be like that,” he says quietly.
Kurt doesn’t reply.
Because he knows exactly what Sebastian is referring to, knows exactly what is the compromise he seems to think will magically solve all their problems.
“Nothing would have to change between us,” Sebastian tries again. “We can keep seeing each other as we are, take it slow, see how it goes. We just wouldn’t have to pretend we’re not attracted to one another anymore.”
“Except on weekends where you get to fuck whichever handsome stranger tickles your fancy that night,” Kurt shoots back sarcastically. “Tempting, but no.”
“Not every weekend,” Sebastian corrects him patiently. “And not every stranger. Just Pierre. He lives an ocean away, so you don't have to worry about me lying about how often I see him. And we can agree on a cap; like four times a year, or no longer than a week at a time or something like that.”
“And what does Pierre think about being put in second place like that?” Kurt asks, and Sebastian quirks an eyebrow in amusement.
“Since when are you so concerned about Pierre’s feelings?” he asks. “But I live in New York, Kurt. I study here, I have my apartment here, I have my friends here, ... my life is here. It's here because you're here. Pierre was put in second place the moment I met you, and I’m not saying he likes it but... he knows.”
Sebastian’s always had a way with words, seemingly careless in the way he sneaks in little compliments and off-hand confessions, and Kurt hates how it affects him still, how it makes his heart beat faster and makes him if not support, then at least understand Sebastian’s way of making sense.
He makes it sound so easy.
“I can’t do it, Sebastian,” he forces himself to say anyway. “I can’t. I can’t give you a goodbye kiss and a pat on the back as you go to fuck not just a random stranger, but someone you actually love. I don’t know how to cope with that.”
“And yet I've been seeing Pierre for over a year now and you have driven me to the airport on multiple occasions,” Sebastian counters. “So correct me if I’m wrong but that doesn’t seem like something you would do if you were insanely jealous.”
But Kurt just shakes his head.
“It would be different if we were a couple, Sebastian,” he says. “It’s not the same thing -we’re just friends now.”
“Yeah... you keep telling yourself that, honey,” Sebastian says, voice dripping with sarcasm. “ ‘Not having sex’ doesn’t equal ‘not being in a relationship’, you know?”
We have a friendly relationship, is what Kurt really wants to say, but he swallows the words as soon as he's thought them. His and Sebastian's relationship is no more 'just friendly' than the coffee had been that time Kurt had asked Sebastian out when they'd only just met. Kurt knows it, and Sebastian knows it, and to be fair probably most of their friends know it too - but it's another of those things Kurt just can't admit to out loud.
“Why are you doing this?” he asks instead, voice quavering more than just a little. “Why do you keep pushing this?”
“Because you’re letting me!” Sebastian exasperates. “I’ve told you a gazillion times to tell me to stop and you don’t. You make excuses and you avoid the subject even as you say you miss me, but you never tell me to stop! So what am I supposed to take from that? You didn’t let me run away from you, Kurt, and I’m not gonna let you run away from me either. Not until you tell me to let you go.”
And that's Kurt's whole problem summed up in a nut shell: he can't let Sebastian go, but he's not sure he's strong enough to keep him either.
“I’m just not convinced it’s going to work!”
“Neither am I!”
Sebastian pauses to breathe, eyes darting all around the room before they settle back on an astonished Kurt.
“Look, I know you’re scared. I know it’s a crazy idea and you’re afraid we’re both gonna end up hurt. And I’m scared too, Kurt - I’m scared it won’t be enough for me, I’m scared it will be too much for you, I’m scared it’s gonna be a huge mess but it’s all I’ve got right now! And it could very well end up in disaster and us hating each other’s guts, but honestly, if we don’t do anything about this situation then we’re pretty much headed there anyway. You say you can’t be in a relationship with me? Well, I can’t be friends with you. I just can’t. I’ve tried and this?” He gestures between the two of them. “It’s not working for me. So call me egotistic, call me self-centered, I don’t care, but when it comes to you I need to either step forward or step back, because honestly, the way things are now is just not healthy, or fair, for either of us. So do I think my proposition is The Solution to our problem? No, I don’t. But it sure as hell is a lot better than this shitfuck of a situation.”
“So what?” Kurt asks, as angry as he can manage seeing he’s still sobbing. “Date you or lose you? Are those my options?”
“You’re not- god, Smythe, if there was ever one moment where semantics are important... Kurt, you’re not gonna lose me, okay?”
With three big steps Sebastian’s standing in front of Kurt, just close enough to touch if he wanted to, but when he reaches out Kurt pulls back, his gaze fixed on the ground.
“I just... can’t keep seeing you as much as I do now, okay?” Sebastian continues softly after a short pause, looking forlorn with his arms hanging limply by his side, eyes pleading at Kurt. “It’s too hard to be around you and not be able to touch, to feel, to really be. To have to watch every word and every move. I know you think I just don’t care and I say and do whatever, but I don’t. And I’m sorry, I really am, but I can’t keep hoping we’ll find a way, that one day you’ll believe me when I say I can make you happy. You can make me happy.
“Look... my PhD starts next week, which means I’ll start to be much busier soon anyway. Modeling won’t be much of a priority anymore, but either way I’ll tell Jolene to stop doing that thing she does where we always end up ‘accidentally’ bumping in to each other on sets, so we don’t have to deal with that either. I guess what I mean is... we’ll be seeing less of each other the coming few months no matter what the circumstances, and I’m not saying we should stop meeting altogether, or even stop being friends, but I’m gonna... need some time. To get over this. And I think this is a good time for it to be... less aggressive, if you want. I still want to be your friend, I do, I just... I just can’t be your best friend. Not right now.”
Sebastian’s right. Even if Kurt hates every word he’s just said - he knows he’s right. If it’s hard for the both of them to be around each other because of lingering feelings, then taking a step back is the most sensible thing to do. So why does it feel like he’s being choked?
In front of him, Sebastian slowly drags his hands over his face, seemingly contemplating something.
“I’m sorry,” he finally says. “I’m sorry, I think... I think I should go, now.”
“Sebble...”
“No,” Sebastian immediately cuts in, “I know what you’re going to say but... I stopped by to say hi and tell you about my trip and see how you were doing and instead I basically set you an ultimatum and that was more or less the opposite of what I was trying to achieve here.”
He takes a step closer to Kurt, and this time, Kurt doesn’t pull away.
“I love you, Kurt,” Sebastian says, gently stroking Kurt’s cheek with the back of his hand. “I know I say that a lot, but I say it because it’s true and because I need you to know. I need you to remember. And since I’m the one complicating things here, this is your call. If you want me to model for you, I’ll model for you; if you want to snuggle up against me as you sob your way through The Notebook for the gazillionth time, I’ll let you snuggle up against me - I’ll even bring tissues."
Kurt lets out a small, choked laugh at that, and Sebastian gives him a wistful smile before he continues.
"And if you want me to be your best friend... then I’ll be your best friend. Whatever you need me to be, I’ll try, okay?”
He curls his hand behind Kurt’s neck, pulling him in just a little so he can press a dry kiss against his forehead.
“I’ll see you around, my love.”