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It had been three days since his return from Horizon, and Kaidan Alenko sat in his apartment on the Citadel, staring at the letter he had been desperately trying to compose. Every time he opened his mouth to speak, his thoughts disappeared into dark space. The words were written in his heart, but he just couldn’t find the pen.
The events that occurred, both personally and professionally, were continuously playing in his mind like a song on repeat. Seeing her standing there, alive yet distant, was an experience he was simply unprepared for.
What was the biotic expecting from the Hero of the Citadel? An apology? A new profession of love? An excuse?
Two years. He had mourned her for two goddamn years, and now he found out that all of it was a lie. Kaidan was trying his hardest to wrap his head around the whole ordeal, but the pain in his heart was as raw as the moment he lost her.
While Shepard was in dead/in a coma/whatever the hell she was doing, Kaidan had tried his best to hold himself together. In the immediate aftermath of the Normandy being destroyed, he had been the one to keep Liara T’Soni together as she fell apart. He’d held her tightly as she screamed and cried, not wanting to believe that the woman they loved was gone.
It hadn’t been the type of relationship he envisioned entering into, and he wasn’t usually good at sharing someone, but with Liara and Shepard, it came easily. It had been beyond wonderful.
At first, Kaidan had seen Liara as a potential rival for Shepard’s affections, yet another person who stood more of a chance due to being far more exotic than he could ever be. Then, once her mother died, he got to know her a little more, realised that she was extremely sweet-natured, and he thoroughly enjoyed talking with her.
His talks with Shepard weren’t as in-depth, but they’d also grown closer. It wasn’t until he’d let slip that he thought maybe the commander was interested in him romantically that Liara said she felt the same, and they’d come to some sort of impasse.
Together, they’d confronted the redhead, and she revealed she had feelings for them both; that she wanted to be with both of them.
His gut instinct had been to shut down the idea, but then he’d turned to Liara, and it was like seeing her for the first time in a whole new light. Perhaps Shepard was right; maybe she could have them both.
It turned out to be one of the best decisions he had ever made.
The door chiming loudly was enough to drag him from his thoughts. With a frown, he closed the letter he had been obsessing over and went to answer it.
A vision in purple, Liara T’Soni was waiting, and she was just as beautiful as ever. Kaidan hadn’t seen her for months now. In the aftermath of Shepard’s death, the dynamic changed, and the two of them parted ways. Neither had been able to elevate their guilt for surviving, and Kaidan blamed himself as he was one of the last people to see her alive.
Liara had thrown herself into work on Ilium. In contrast, Kaidan worked hard to get a new promotion, teaching a new generation of biotics and just keeping himself busy so he wouldn’t dwell on his circumstances. He’d even gone for drinks with a doctor who worked at Heutra Memorial, but there was no chemistry between them. Nada. Zero.
How did a man move on when not one but two people were already imprinted upon his soul?
“Liara,” he breathed, rubbing the back of his neck.
Her smile was as soft as he remembered. “It’s good to see you,” she murmured.
Kaidan couldn’t remember how his mouth worked, and he took a few steps back while dropping his hand, using it to gesture for her to enter. The smile remained on her face as she stepped over the threshold, glancing around at his very humble abode.
“I came to talk about…” Liara began, choosing to dive right into the conversation.
“Shepard,” he muttered, finally finding his voice and then giving a slow nod in understanding. It was only a matter of time before Liara heard about it; by now, everyone had either spotted Shepard out in the wild or had heard of her return. “I was going to call you but…”
“You’ve been busy,” Liara supplied, the smile slipping into something a little more awkward now. “I understand, Kaidan.”
From her tone, he could see she truly meant what she was saying. Kaidan remembered his manners. “Can I get you a drink? Tea, perhaps?” As he spoke, he jutted a thumb in the direction of the small kitchen as if to emphasise that he actually had an area to prepare it.
Liara shook her head. “No, thank you,” she said, then spotted the worn leather couch by the large window. It had a view of the street below, but it wasn’t exactly the nicest part of the Citadel. There was no doubt in her mind that Kaidan had this apartment because it was out of the way, and no one would desire to come here unless they had to. “Can we sit?”
“Sure,” he murmured, motioning for her to take a seat. As she sat at one end, Kaidan chose the other and waited with an apprehensive expression, fingers steepled together as his brow furrowed.
It felt like their first time together all over again. The night before Ilos, both had gone to see Shepard to see how she was faring, and the woman had been fraught with nerves over the mission. Stealing the pride of the Alliance and taking it on a joyride into the unknown had been a risk, and it had been difficult for the two of them to see her doubting her decision. Kaidan had reassured her that she was doing the right thing and that he wouldn’t have stayed onboard if he thought she was making a mistake. She had smiled at him, and despite the low lighting, it brightened up the room.
Next, Liara had told her that they were there for her, in any way she required.
The redhead had looked to them both in turn and smiled softly.
Kaidan pushed the sordid thought away and sighed deeply as he looked at one of the women he had fallen for. “You said you wanted to talk, Liara. That kind of requires you to, you know…” He made a gesture with his hand, a hint of a smile forming as he spoke. “Talk.”
Liara hadn’t realised how much she had missed his mannerisms until a moment ago. He and Shepard were very different, and yet she loved them both dearly, far more than she could have predicted. While Jane Shepard was undoubtedly a spitfire, Kaidan Alenko had brought a most calming influence to their trinity.
“I heard about Horizon,” she finally confessed, averting his eyes once more.
Just hearing the name was enough to conjure up horrific images. The thought that people he had worked alongside, despite their suspicions of an Alliance officer being there to oversee things, would haunt him just as much as being forced to watch the SR-1 go down in flames. It was his turn to stare down at the carpet.
Liara knew that Kaidan could lose himself in contemplation and that, due to his overwhelming migraines, he always sought comfort in silence. However, the fact that they had shut one another out for so long was painful. She needed to know he was all right, despite the way they had left things.
Unspoken. Unresolved.
There hadn’t been a conversation to say that they were over. They had just drifted apart, and no one dared to make a clean break. Gravity always seemed to bring them back together; during a memorial service to commemorate the first anniversary of the Normandy being destroyed, Kaidan had drunk a little too much in an attempt to dull the pain. Joker had attempted conversation, and the biotic had just glared at him, using all his willpower not to punch the selfish bastard to the ground and told him to “fuck off” .
He could see the hurt in Joker’s eyes at someone he had once deemed a friend. They’d shared banter in the cockpit during the initial trials of the SR-1, and despite his sarcastic nature, Kaidan had secretly found the pilot pretty funny. However, his unwillingness to abandon his post when the Collectors hit had got Shepard killed, and while the younger man hadn’t asked for her to go back for him, Kaidan couldn’t help but blame him for the fact that she was no longer here.
Witnessing the exchange, Liara had softly encouraged Joker to speak with Doctor Chakwas, giving him a look as if to say she could sit with the distraught Sentinel. The wounded look in Joker’s eyes as he tried desperately to make amends with Kaidan was a memory that would remain with her for centuries to come. She had taken Kaidan’s hand and placed a delicate kiss upon it, lending him her strength and suggesting he take his leave.
They’d ended up in his hotel room, naked and using their physical proximity in an attempt to mask the pain etched in their souls. Liara had missed him so much, and despite not having Shepard with them, she was on the road to feeling complete once more. Kaidan was such a gentle lover, and she had wept during their union.
They could find a way to move forward together, and although Shepard was no longer with them, they could embark on an actual relationship.
The next morning, Kaidan had dressed in silence, barely able to look at her, and then he had fled, and so had Liara’s hope.
They hadn’t spoken since.
“I don’t–” Kaidan began, his thoughts moving faster than his mouth could comprehend. When he was working, he wasn’t thinking and as soon as he saw Liara again, all the guilt for how he handled himself hit him like a shockwave. The Asari had needed him, and he had used her for his gratification, had slept with her in an attempt to feel something other than just numb and then he had disposed of her just as quickly.
That wasn’t love, it was an act of countless people he saw in bars who picked a target, fucked them and then ghosted them.
His cheeks flushed with shame, and he felt both angry and disappointed in himself, realising this wasn’t the man his parents had raised. “Liara, I'm so–” he began.
Quickly, Liara opened her mouth to release her guilt. “I knew Shepard was alive.”
Whatever words he might have said died in his throat. Kaidan frowned, closing his mouth and pressing his lips together tightly. Her eyes searched his; they were beautiful pools of amber, and she couldn’t help but reflect on how starkly different their colour palettes had been. Shepard’s had been green and had shone like emeralds.
Both had looked at her in adoration, and both had worshipped her as well as one another.
It was something she so sorely missed, and she had been desperate to have that connection once more.
“We didn’t lose her over Alchera, Kaidan,” she confessed, clasping her hands together in her lap as she simply didn’t know what to do with them. Sorrow was etched all over her face as she forced herself to maintain eye contact with the man she loved. “I helped retrieve her body.”
At least, what was left of the woman they loved.
She didn’t want to go into detail on the ins and outs of the operation, how she had willingly worked with Cerberus to get her body back after learning that the Shadow Broker wanted it. There was a saying on Earth that the enemy of my enemy is my friend , and it had been one of Shepard’s favourite phrases to justify some of her more controversial decisions. It was the exact reason why she still allied herself with Cerberus; she knew if the Collectors were to be stopped, she would have to utilise all available resources, and that meant working with The Illusive Man.
Liara’s hatred for him ran deep, but she had to trust that deep down, he was doing the right thing.
His silence said more than his words ever could.
“The Shadow Broker had her and was planning to sell her body to The Collectors, and I couldn’t let that happen, Kaidan. Not her. Not Jane.”
Kaidan lowered his gaze once more, his jaw going taut, and she wished she possessed telepathic abilities to know what he was thinking as his stoicism wasn’t giving anything away. It was a good quality for a soldier to possess, but as a lover/former lover, it infuriated her, and Shepard had been the same.
“So you gave her to Cerberus instead?” Kaidan finally said, his voice breaking ever so slightly.
Her eyebrows knitted together, her lips twisted into a grimace. “I believed it was the only way,” she answered, although she had no excuse for her behaviour. “I wanted to believe they could bring her back. I needed to believe they could.”
Again, she was met with silence as he sat forward, propping his elbows on his thighs and putting his face into his hands. A long sigh passed through his trembling lips, and Liara wanted so desperately to provide him with comfort. Liara had no idea what kind of conversation she wanted to have when she decided to visit him, but after the events of Horizon, she needed him to know what was in her heart.
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to build your hopes only to have them dashed,” she continued, knowing it sounded like an excuse, and she knew nothing in this universe could make up for her behaviour. Although she hadn’t overtly lied to him, she hadn’t informed him about the arrangement either. “But she’s back, Kaidan. And once she had stopped the Collectors, she will return to us.”
Tears formed in her eyes as she spoke, voice cracking with emotion that she had been forced to conceal. Shepard’s retrieval had come at a terrible price; they had captured her friend Feron, and she had tried everything to find out where the Shadow Broker was keeping him. Perhaps now that Shepard was back, she could reach out and ask for her help. Together, they could stop that horrific son of a bitch once and for all.
Liara could begin the process of bringing her home, for both of them.
“I will not ask for forgiveness,” Liara whispered, knowing that it would take a lot to heal the chasm that had formed between them. “Only understanding, and that everything I did was for you. For Shepard. For us. For our love.”
A few tears spilt over her cheeks, sliding down them and onto her clasped hands as she bowed her head. She so desperately wanted to weep, but didn’t want him to think she was using it as a tactic of manipulation. Her heart was hurting, and she was tired of having to fight alone. The weight of her secret was heavy, and despite a positive outcome of Shepard being alive, she regretted not letting Kaidan know of the plan.
Trust was a fragile thing, and she had shattered it beyond repair by keeping this information from him.
A soft sob passed through her quivering lips, and it was her turn to bury her face in her hands as she couldn’t fight anymore.
Pulled out of his own misery, Kaidan lowered his hands and watched as her shoulders moved with the effort to quell her tears. His gaze softened as he wiped the tears from his own eyes. Not all of this was on Liara; he was the one who had withdrawn from her because he believed their connection was being maintained through Shepard, as she was the centre of their universe.
Yet as he sat there and watched her, his own heart began to crumble a little. Kaidan shifted in his seat, carefully taking hold of her wrists and prying them away from her face. Opening her eyes, Liara looked up at him, and her eyes glistened like sapphires as she tilted her head to one side.
“I’m the one who should be apologising, Liara,” Kaidan acknowledged, releasing her and moving his hands to cradle her face between them delicately. He brushed away the tears with his fingers, his touch gentle despite how calloused the tips of his fingers were. “I abandoned you when you needed me the most, and perhaps if I hadn’t shut you out like that…” He paused to sigh, lowering his gaze for a moment and then looking back. “Perhaps I could have helped you.”
His words had rendered her speechless, as she expected him to be angry.
“I can’t imagine the agony of your decision, Liara,” he whispered as he dropped a hand, keeping his right one on her cheek, placing the other on her thigh. “But I am sorry you had to go through that alone.”
Liara frowned, more tears spilling over.
“You brought our girl back,” Kaidan reminded her, leaning in and giving her a tender smile. He had held Shepard in his arms, and despite his instinct being to dismiss the woman, he wondered if it were some elaborate scheme to deceive them. Having Liara confirm her role in everything made it seem more possible that she was real.
A strangled noise that was meant to be a laugh escaped her. “Is she still our girl?” she asked.
Kaidan had replayed the conversation on Horizon in his mind over and over again, torturing himself as he tried to figure out what he could have done differently, which was the reason he was agonising over the letter. Although her expression had been subtle, he had seen that using the past tense to tell her he had loved her hurt. That wasn’t the reaction of a woman who didn’t care. That was the response of someone who had been hurt by someone she still loved.
A rare sliver of hope began to radiate, and it had been a long time since anything had ignited that spark. Kaidan then looked back at Liara, an impossibility he hadn’t been prepared for, and not only had time between him and Shepard been wasted, but so had the relationship between himself and Liara.
Time was precious, and he didn’t plan on wasting it any longer. He couldn’t repair the relationship with Shepard right away as he knew it would take a lot more than a half assed letter of apology, but Liara was here and as thoughtful as ever.
However, thanks to clarity from Liara, he now had more of an idea about what he should write.
“I don’t know if she’s still our girl, Liara,” Kaidan answered, and then offered her a brighter smile. “But I hope you’re still mine.”
Blinking rapidly, Liara seemed surprised by his heartfelt confession, and she closed the distance between them with a smile that could outshine the sun. Her lips on his seemed to restore some sort of balance within the universe once more. Kaidan pulled her into his arms and deepened the kiss.
The noise that had plagued his mind was quiet once more, replaced by something that was once broken, love once lost was now beginning to heal.