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I wrap my pale fingers and softly grab around the wooden row, carefully lower it down into the murky water before I begin to gently push it, at first the passenger seems anxious but soon the soft sounds of the river calms him. It’s not easy to row this boat all by myself, it feels as if my soar old bones will give in at any minute, I’ve always wanted to ask those I carry over the river if they could perhaps row for a little while so I could rest, but it’s always seemed so inappropriate to me, especially since they began to pay me. I never understood why they did that, but it seemed to bring them a feeling of familiarity, so I took it and used it to make the journey easier, for some that meant building a gate out of gold for them to cross for others it was buying a darkened cloak, and for some it was letting them cross over a rainbow bridge… I started to do as many of those things as I could and I most likely lost much of myself in that process, but I’d do anything to calm them.
The boat had moved along the river for a little while now,, the sounds of my row pushing into the water was rhythmic, much to my young passangers liking, I think. Seeing these ones was a rarity for me, and that was probably for the best, most of them understandably screams and cries for their mother when they see me. Their smiles were too beautiful, their eyes too innocent and wonderous, they were not supposed to be here yet.
The young one turned his head towards me, I could see how he wanted to scream, perhaps even run due to how I looked, but instead he were brave… so very brave, and instead asked
“What is it like there? Will anyone be there?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound came out… Were I ever even able to talk?
“I was kinda hoping I could see my sister again, have you even met her? Her name is Sara!”
I could see his anxious look, a sliver of hope, not for himself, but for those he loved, I raised my hand and made that gesture some passengers used to do, putting my fingers on my chin and scratching it as if thinking, then I shook my head, Selfish as I am I don’t really know if it was a lie or not, but I didn’t want to see him sad, I saw too much of that as is.
His eyes lit up for a little while, a smile covering his face “Oh, then thank you… You’re nicer than people say you are”
That was true, and something I knew of rather well, monster, beast, and abominations were things people usually shouted at me. I remember how I used to try and live up to those things, if it made the journey easier for them I’d do almost anything, but I just couldn’t discard that part of myself.
The boat makes a soft bump against the bridge as I softly wave a hand for him to get out of the boat, he obliges, and like most he opens his mouth in awe, the large rainbow colored path forward was as beautiful as ever, it had taken me so much time to build it, I had often wanted to quit, but then I remembered those I built it for, the worried faces that whispered under their breath “where’s the bridge, I thought I would be worthy, I died fighting”, it had made me keep going.
I got out of the boat, softly standing up, gently walking, my old bones softly creaking with each step as we began to walk, we would soon arrive, and almost to my suprise, he lifts his hand as if to grab mine, I accept, feeling his hand shiver at my cold and bulky touch, but he seemed appreciative
“Why do you exist?” he asks
I look at him, still walking, I’ve gotten the question before, but often it was in terror or denial, from him it was more curiosity, I close my eyes, I’ve heard these people speak time and time again, yet I’ve never been able too, I wish I could tell him, but instead I just shrug,
“Oh right, you can’t talk… Sorry!”
I didn't respond, we were close now anyways, which meant I’d have to start this journey all over again once it was done, with a new passenger, hopefully not one as young.
We walked together on that bridge for a little while, his wide eyes admiring all the different colors with a wonder that made me want to forget. Then we finally reached the end, a large golden gate stood in front of us, I had built it myself, and behind it was a black void. The passenger looks at the void, and for the first time, he flinches “I thought, it’d be more populated”
I see his eyes tear up just a little, this was always the hardest part
“I, can’t, please, I really don’t wanna go”
Stop, please, I wish I could help you, but I can’t, I wanna let you go back, but I can’t,
“Please, I-I don’t wanna be left alone, I don’t want things to end”
his tears started softly running down his face, it was so beautiful and smooth, a beauty, but as all things, beauty must fade, for that is why it is beautiful.
“Please, I-”
I look down on him, and maybe he could see that I wanted to help, maybe, even though my face is a skull with hollow holes instead of eyes, with no expression, and no emotion, maybe he could tell, that I wanted nothing more than what he asked, but it was not a choice for me to make
“I, don’t wanna be alone”
I kneel down, so I am in height level with him, his teary eyes staring into my hollow sockets, and as fast as my old bones could muster, I wrap them around him, pulling his head to my shoulder, my coat laying all over the color painted rocks beneath, his cries and shivers echoing around us, his tears wetting my coat, and his arms, warming me, the touch of the living was always such a beautiful thing.
Then, the gates opened, he sniffled once more, and I held him in my arms, pulling him up, I wouldn’t let him go in there all alone, softly, each step I took was heavy, closer, and closer, his crying still being so close to me, but dying down, and through the cries, I heard a small, shivering “thank you”, as we were both entrenched in the darkness… Until I stood there, alone again.
They all see me differently,
some see me as a new beginning
others,
as the ultimate end
I try to live up to their expectations to calm and soothe them, help them along their last journey
but in the end,
I am nothing, even if I hope that I could be all the things they wanted me to be.
End