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Dazai osamu and atsushi nakajima, known for being a fantastic duo inside of the armed detective agency, are wondering aimlessly around yokohama city trying to look for a new terrorist group that has cause chaos for both the PM and the ADA “Mr Dazai.. are you sure we’re going the correct way?” Atsushi questioned, osamu shook his head and snickered “Oh Atsushi dear, I know where we’re going. Hows your partnership with Akutagawa Ryūnosuke going?” Osamu giggled, Atsushi scoffed at the mention of the man he had to team up with, “Ugh that guys the worst! Hes always like ‘oh Atsushi your so pathetic why whould dazai choose you over me……….
Dazai couldn’t give a fuck about what Atsushi was saying, he knew that whatever Atsushi was complaining about wasn't important, but he needed to act like he cared “ah, I know Akutagawa is an asshole but you still need to work with him, its for the agency’s sake Atsushi.” He said placing his hand on tiger boys shoulder “But.. alright fine, I’ll work with him but ONLY because you said so.” Dazai could tell that Atsushi was passionate about his hatred against Ryūnosuke..🏳️🌈??
“Mr Dazai, where are we?” Atsushi asks quietly, Osamu looked around himself, FUCK he was so engrossed in shutting Atsushi up that he didn’t see where they were going! “ Ah, Atsushi.. we are going through a little shortcut! Yeah..uhmm”
“Dazai… are we lost?!” (Ah shit) Dazai scolded himself quietly, “Just keep walking Atsushi we’ll find our way there.” Osamu said to his protégé.
An hour later and they’re still lost.. but now are somehow in the middle of the fucking forrest, “Dazai don’t you think we should use google maps??” Atsushi asks exhaustedly “ ‘sigh’ Atsushi shut up, I don't need a map. plus kunikida probably knows we are late and has sent another person to take our place, so we might as well have time by ourselves in here.” Osamu said trying to bring up the mood ( and failing because atsushi sends him a glare that screams ‘ shut up you bastard’ )
“Osamu, what was that noise..?” Atsushi asks frightened, Dazai hears nothing “what the fuck are you talking about Atsushi???” Dazai questioned, looking around” mr Dazai, you know that I can hear better than the average person, someone is here with us..” he said scared. Dazai looked around, he felt watched..someone was here, he wouldn't tell atsushi he was right, he didn’t deserve knowing “Atsushi, someone is here, why didn’t you say anything!? You know that you have super hearing yet you say nothing?? So disappointed..” he shook his head, Atsushi was about to crea- CRY..he was about to cry, when they came across a hut in a swamp.
ignoring the obvious signs telling them to leave, for there was an ogre living there. Dazai knocked on the huts door, a loud bang rung throughout the house, startling poor Atsushi an Dazai, the door opened and two giant ogres appeared in the doorway, a female and male sigma ogres, “WHAT ARE YE DOIN IN MY SWAMP??” The male asks Atsushi, not seeing Dazai behind him, Dazai stared up at the strange green attractive man in front of him, the female tries to attack Atsushi, but he somehow dodges with his fucking stupid plot armour, Dazai approaches the green man and holds out his hand for him to shake, they shake hands, the green man takes Dazai’s hand and kisses it, getting his icky yucky spit all over his fingers 😭🤢
Dazai doesn’t mind it though, licking the spit off of his fingers “mhn..dirt and slugs..yummy!” He smiles brightly, wanting to taste more of that delectable spit “may i…have some more?” He mews, trying to rizz up the alpha male in front of him, his (actually dying over here bro😭😣) OMEGA instincts cumming to him “OH YESSIR” the ogre says happily, taking Osamu’s hand, taking him away to his hut (freaky time😏)
Returning to Atsushi and Fiona, the small twink and the brute lesbian looking ogre idk, they continue to fight while Dazai and Shrek probly fuc-fight. They fight in uh..bed! (Yep! 🥰) and then LUCY C appears from the trees, covered in only leaves and dirt (oolala😍) she carries a spear, Atsushi spits on her and she runs away, they continue to fight, throwing punches and stuff while Dazai and Shrek get freaky deaky donk, and then the almighty Kaylee H smites down on Shrek and Dazai, killing them both, but before they die they sing…LEGENDS NEVER DIEEE!! They survive and smack Kaylee with their stinky smelly feet.
Shrek gaze turns to the brunette, a faint blush covering his cheeks “I’m forever thankful I met you Osamu..” he whispers, holding Dazai close, the brunette looks up at his new lover “same goes skibiti..same.”
They then both die because of Atsushi exploding from being a twink
THE END 😃