Chapter Text
Douma: I’m a bad person, I’m a very bad person, I’m a horrible person.
The Rest of the Moons:
Douma: No you’re not, Douma! We still love you, Douma!
Muzan: None of us are good people. But the way we all went silent speaks volumes.
\o/
Mitsuri: You ever get so tired that you start seeing spiders?
Shinobu: Me after I take 17 Benadryl and start seeing the hat man.
Mitsuri: THE WHO?
Shinobu: Oh is this not a safe space suddenly?
\o/
Obanai: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?
Mitsuri: Well, it’s frowned upon.
Obanai: Okay, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier?
Obanai: That’s okay, right?
Mitsuri: ...
Mitsuri: Murder of humans in general isn't okay.
\o/
Giyuu: My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Shinobu: Ah, but that's not good for your health.
Giyuu: Who said I cared about my health?
\o/
Obanai: Are you okay?
Mitsuri, crying: Yeah, it was just the onions.
Obanai: *Picks up an onion* What the fuck did you say to Mitsuri?
\o/
Muzan: My gender is in a constant state of flux.
\o/
Inosuke: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Tanjiro: No, that's not how you make cookies.
Zenitsu: FLOOR IT!!
Genya: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Tanjiro: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
Inosuke: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF SUN BREATHING TO MAKE COOKIES!
Zenitsu: DO IT!
Tanjiro: NO-
\o/
Rengoku: What are you talking about Muichiro? You love it here!
Muichiro: I'm not sure I do, I think I've just developed Stockholm syndrome.
\o/
Douma: I just found out that demons are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can’t take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth
Douma: BUT I can shatter it! So I should put a light bulb in my mouth.
Akaza, turning to Muzan: Why don't we fire this dude already?
\o/
Tengen: The salary of a clown is 51,000 dollars.
Tengen, gesturing to Giyuu and Sanemi fighting: And yet these idiots do it daily, and for free!
\o/
Shinobu: Tengen, I am questioning your sanity...
Rengoku: I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start! HAHAHA!
\o/
Tengen: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.
Hinata: ...We're on the ground floor.
Tengen: I know but I want a flamboyant exit.
\o/
Zentisu: What happened to your head?
Tanjiro: I used it to break some guy's fist.
\o/
Tanjiro: Small creatures are much more vicious because they have a smaller body to bottle up all their emotions.
Shinobu: Ridiculous. Give me some examples.
Muichiro: Wasps?
Rengoku: Terriers?
Giyuu: Iguro.
\o/
Tanjiro: I’m gonna kill you.
Muzan: Get in line.
\o/
*Zenitsu is fighting a demon*
Tanjiro: Just stay calm! You already have everything you need to beat it!
Zentisu: The power to believe in myself!?
Tanjiro: No, a Nichirin sword! Stab it!
Zentisu: *breaks down sobbing*
\o/
Douma, explaining why they are not allowed to cook: I put the noodles in the pot and put the pot on the stove and turned the burner on high. Turns out you don't put noodles in marijuana and I almost burnt the whole castle down.
Akaza: He was literally on the marijuana. Muzan nearly killed him.
\o/
Zentisu: Something tells me Inosuke's going to be a bit more unhinged today...
Inosuke, holding a lit match and a bag of cheetos: Leave me be, Tanjiro isn't home to stop me, I'm going feral.
\o/
Douma: *watching the castle burn down*
Douma:
Douma: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything to Muzan.
\o/
Tanjiro, watching Sanemi & Inosuke panic : What's going on?
Shinobu: Sanemi is having a midlife crisis and Inosuke is just having a crisis.
\o/
Zentisu: How are you so calm?!
Muichiro: I’ve passed beyond “stressed”, beyond “hysteria”, into the gray misty indifference of complete shutdown of all but emergency services in my brain.
\o/
Muzan, standing amidst the destroyed kitchen: How? How were you able to summon me?!
Tanjiro, flipping through a cookbook as fast as they can: I don’t know!! You were supposed to be chicken soup!