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BroccoliBoi: -and that’s how a 21st-century film series is so influential on modern hero culture!
the peanut dealer: I know I literally asked for it, but damn. That was an essay, man.
BroccoliBoi: heheheh, sorry. I know I ramble a lot.
the peanut dealer: It’s cool, man, it’s great information, it’s just a lot and I wasn’t expecting it. I’ll probably digest it over the next few days.
Katy Perry: Now that Izuku is done, I have a dilemma and could use some advice.
God is a Woman: Of course, Todoroki!
dwaynejohnson: Yeah, hit us up, Todobro!
BroccoliBoi: It’s nothing too bad I hope, Shouto?
Katy Perry: I believe I accidentally shoplifted a toothbrush.
Overfiend: Wow, five minutes of silence, that’s rare for a weekday afternoon.
God is a Woman: I-I’m sorry, how do you accidentally shoplift a toothbrush?
Katy Perry: I was buying a new toothbrush at a conbini and a man with an active fire Quirk walked in. I’m sorry to say that I froze and instinctively backed away, and by the time I came to my senses I was halfway down the block.
dwaynejohnson: Todobro. My dude. My man.
dwaynejohnson: Why didn’t you just return the toothbrush?!
Katy Perry: I anticipated that the mood if I tried would be too unbearably awkward to attempt.
BroccoliBoi: Mood
Snow White: Mood
the peanut dealer: Mood
keebler: Mood
Kangaroo Jack: Mood
Ingenium: Never fear, Todoroki! You merely need to speak to Nedzu about it and he can wipe the charge off your record now that you possess your Provisional License!
Ingenium: And Shoji, I must once again ask you to change your username! It is highly inappropriate!
Overfiend: No.
BroccoliBoi: Wait, Iida, Nedzu gave you that deal too??
God is a Woman: Wait, Iida, Nedzu gave you that deal too??
SpaceMambo: Wait, Iida, Nedzu gave you that deal too??
Overfiend: Two five-minute pauses in one afternoon. We’re seeing something rare here.
dancing queen: Okay, I’m not surprised this class has someone who’s shoplifted before – we all know the creature’s probably shoplifted women’s underwear before – but not our sunshine trio!
la creatura: Okay, what the hell kind of pervert do you take me for?!
dancing queen: The kind that shoplifts women’s underwear. Duh.
la creatura: I’m not that kind of pervert!!! I may like peeping on girls, and touching them, but handling their underwear is just gross!
la creatura: Also, can an admin please change my username???
God is a Woman: No.
in ur base: Also, I’m pressing X to doubt like the Fist of the North Star.
dancing queen: Hey! We’re not here to roast Mineta! We’re here to know why the hell our sunshine trio have shoplifting marks on their record!
God is a Woman: I’m sorry! I just wanted to know what it felt like!
God is a Woman: I understand if you don’t want me in this class anymore after hearing this. I can transfer, or drop out, or publicly denounce myself.
bassic: Whoa whoa whoa! Momom, calm down! Look, there’s at least seven of us in this class who can’t judge you. Nobody wants to kick you out of this class.
la creatura: “Momom”
discount pikachu: “Momom”
in ur base: “Momom”
Kangaroo Jack: “Momom”
Tres Magnifique: “Momom”
kero kero: “Momom”
the peanut dealer: “Momom”
SpaceMambo: “Momom”
bassic: Fuck all y’all.
BroccoliBoi: Um, I think the point is that no one cares that you did that, Yaoyorozu.
BroccoliBoi: Honestly, it’s less embarrassing than my own story…
dancing queen: *lets light glint off my glasses*
dancing queen: Tell me more…
BroccoliBoi: Um, so, you know how I’m a big All Might fanboy?
bassic: Never woulda guessed.
BroccoliBoi: And that All Might is my mentor.
the peanut dealer: Is this going where I think it’s going?
BroccoliBoi: Um, so, to make a long story short, All Might brought to Might tower and told me to take whatever I wanted.
BroccoliBoi: So I did.
BroccoliBoi: And, uh, it turns out that All Might did not have the authority to let me do that.
discount pikachu: Okay, I’m sorry, Izuku, but that’s hilarious.
BroccoliBoi: In hindsight, yeah, it is kinda funny.
dancing queen: Awww. That’s adorable.
dancing queen: Okay, Uraraka, your turn!
SpaceMambo: So, did you guys know that taking half-eaten food out of a Subway trash bin counts as stealing?
SpaceMambo: I know, it’s absurd! It’s not like anyone else is going to eat it!
SpaceMambo: It’s free food, going to waste!
SpaceMambo: Guys, c’mon, I picked the stuff that was wrapped and ignored anything that looked bad!
Overfiend: Three for three now.
King Explosion Murder: I check my damn phone just so it’ll stop cosplaying as a fucking sex toy and this is what I fucking see?!
King Explosion Murder: That’s disgusting, bitch!
SpaceMambo: Look, I don’t judge your fetishes!
SpaceMambo: Don’t judge my eating habits!
dwaynejohnson: Uh, no, I’mma judge the fuck out of that. That’s disgusting, bro.
dwaynejohnson: And I eat ass.
Ingenium: Kirishima! Not out of the designated NSFW channel!
dwaynejohnson: Sorry, bro, my bad.
Kangaroo Jack: Wait, how do you know our fetishes.
bassic: Because I do. And we’re girls, we talk.
bassic: Related, some of y’all are disgusting and you better wash your hands consistently.
bassic: not as disgusting as Uraraka, though.
SpaceMambo: Betrayal!
the peanut dealer: oh my god is this seriously happening
the peanut dealer: I am dying right now
Keebler: Honestly, I’m mostly just offended you did it at Subway, Uraraka. If you’re going to go dumpster diving at least do it someplace that’s actually tasty.
the peanut dealer: DYING
SpaceMambo: But- But two meatballs! With extra cheese!
King Explosion Murder: Just fucking quit while you’re behind, Round Cheeks.
SpaceMambo: It was wrapped! Wrapped!
King Explosion Murder: AND IN THE TRASH HALF EATEN YOU UNSANITARY BITCH!
SpaceMambo: So? Dig it out, wash in water, microwave to evaporate, and it still tastes good.
discount pikachu: I’ve got tears in my eyes…
*Admin changed SpaceMambo’s name to: Trash Gourmand*
Trash Gourmand: …
Trash Gourmand: FUCK!
dancing queen: Okay… moving on from Uraraka’s attempts to kill herself, we’ve still got a few confirmed shoplifters.
dancing queen: Iida! How did you wind up shoplifting!
Ingenium: Oh, I did it on purpose.
Ingenium: My brother's lectures on the evils of capitalism and the need for motivated social care for the less fortunate were highly informative.
God is a Woman: … Dare I ask what you stole.
Ingenium: Insulin.
God is a Woman: I dare say you were downright heroic in that act, Iida.
dancing queen: We stan Robin Hood behavior in this dorm.
dancing queen: Okay, you disgusting pile of ooze, what did you shoplift if not for women’s underwear?
la creatura: Wine. Wanted to know what alcohol tasted like. 0/10, do not recommend.
in ur base: That… is a surprisingly normal un-perverted thing for you to do.
in ur base: Also, wait, does that count as cannibalism?
la creatura: I’m not actually made of grapes!
God Rat: Of course not, don't be silly. It was a Riesling.
in ur base: Uhhhhhh…
God is a Woman: Riesling is a wine made from green grapes, not purple.
in ur base: Oh.
Discount pikachu: Nedzu scares me.
BroccoliBoi: He scares everyone.
dancing queen: Moving on! Jiro, spill the tea!
bassic: What can I say? There was a concert. It got ugly. I snagged a t-shirt when the stand got demolished. The police only sorta bought my explanation that it was going to go to waste anyway.
dancing queen: Okay, great conversation, everyone! I guess it’s time to go do some studying or clean our rooms or rub our brains in steel wool or whatever it is we need to do!
Snow White: R-Really? Because, um, I have a confession to make, too.
dancing queen: Wait, seriously? Seriously?
dancing queen: The sunshine trio was one thing, after they gave their reasons I can kinda see why they did it.
Trash Gourmand: Hey!
dancing queen: But you, Koda??? The literal real-life Disney Princess with a Y-chromosome?!
Snow White: Um, well, funny you should say that…
Snow White: It was technically my animal friends that did it.
Snow White: I asked some crows for marbles, and, uh, I didn’t expect them to snatch marbles right out of other people’s hands.
Snow White: Or invade shops and steal them from there.
BroccoliBoi: There, there, Koda, I know how you feel, you’re not alone.
quoth the raven: As do I. Dark Shadow went through his own ‘steal shiny things’ phase.
dwaynejohnson: I guess this is confession time now.
dancing queen: No, no, Kiri, not you too.
dwaynejohnson: I may have mistaken a ceramic figurine for a chocolate one when I was a kid and bit its head off. My moms refused to pay the story for it. They said, and I quote, “It was an ugly figurine you were never going to sell anway.”
bassic: Okay, I stan whichever of your moms said that.
dwaynejohnson: So then the owner called the police, and that was when my other mom went full Karen on the poor guy, and it was a whole thing.
dwaynejohnson: At least I got a donut out of it.
dancingqueen: Aww. Okay, that’s a lot more adorable than I feared.
dancingqueen: And good on your moms! Every friend group needs someone who can go full Karen as necessary.
in ur base: Emphasis on as necessary. If your full Karen is on all the time, you’re just an asshole.
Katy Perry: With all these confessions, I find myself curious.
Katy Perry: Izuku, did Bakugo ever shoplift something?
BroccoliBoi: Hmm…
King Explosion Murder: Deku, I swear to fuck, if you answer this, I will fucking kill you, eat all of fucking Musutafu to become a necromantic fucking God, and fucking resurrect you JUST TO FUCKING KILL YOU ALL OVER AGAIN!
God is a Woman: okay, boomer.
dancing queen: *GASP*
discount pikachu: *GASP*
the peanut dealer: *GASP*
bassic: Okay, who taught Momo to meme?
God is a Woman: You did, Kyoka.
Bassic: Fuck.
BroccoliBoi: Okay, so when Kacchan was four he went through a toy train phase. Just had to have it. And one day, he and his mom are in the toy store to get me a birthday present when he sees one of the display sets and starts playing with it, and he would. Not. Budge. Crying, screaming tantrum. Mitsuki, his mom, of course put her foot down, so he grabbed the set off the shelf and bolted out the front door.
King Explosion Murder: THAT’S IT, YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD!
Broccoli: The way Mitsuki tells it, he got as far as the parking lot before this big clerk woman with a strength Quirk grabbed him, stuffed him under the arm, and carried him back kicking and screaming.
in ur base: That is hilarious.
the peanut dealer: Yo, Izuku, you alive?
dwaynejohnson: He’s alive, he’s alive.
Trash Gourmand: Not for lack of trying, though.
BroccoliBoi: Worth.
King Explosion Murder: Fuck you, Deku. I was four! I didn’t know right from wrong!
Trash Gourmand: You still don’t know right from wrong.
King Explosion Murder: SAY THAT TO MY FUCKING FACE, ROUND CHEEKS!
Trash Gourmand: GLADLY, CRATER FACE! I’LL BEAT THE TAPIOCA OUT OF YOU! YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN FOR A WEEK!
BroccoliBoi: *sighs*
dwaynejohnson: We’ll be right back, bros.
kero kero: Welp, looks like I’m going to need new friends.
discount pikachu: Tsuyu! You joined us!
discount pikachu: So, did you ever shoplift something?
kero kero: I did, actually.
dancing queen: Somehow, I’m not surprised. Tsu’s probably like Iida. At this rate, everyone in this class is going to have shoplifted something!
Overfiend: https://media1.tenor.com/m/lvS4WiTSOpwAAAAd/pixar-monsters-inc.gif
dancing queen: I was fucking joking!
kero kero: You’re not wrong about the comparison to Iida. Back in middle school a friend of mine needed some tampons and couldn’t afford them. I could take a hit to my record and she couldn’t, so I stole about a year’s worth.
kero kero: Got caught, but my parents were happy to buy some for her themselves.
keebler: You couldn’t have done that from the start?
Trash Gourmand: If she was anything like me, then no.
Trash Gourmand: Also, I lived, bitch.
King Explosion Murder: I’ll get you next time, bitch.
the peanut cartel: Yo, Kirishima, Midoriya, you guys alive?
BroccoliBoi: I’m going to list the parts of my body that don’t hurt.
BroccoliBoi: This concludes the list.
the peanut cartel: Cool, they’re all right.
the peanut cartel: On my end, all I can say without violating several NDAs is that I got caught breaking and entering a Business track storeroom and had to make the deal on the spot.
Kangaroo Jack: NDAs???
the peanut cartel: Seriously can’t say anything more, I will get arrested.
in ur base: My story’s pretty obvious. I’m invisible, so kinda like Yaoyorozu I wanted to see if I could get away with it.
in ur base: I forgot about the security cameras.
Tres Magnifique: I… fell in with a bad crowd in middle school, and I was pressured into stealing something to prove myself.
dancing queen: Aww, Aoyama…
Overfiend: I… have a similar story. Someone shoplifted and planted the item on me.
Overfiend: The police were… not in a listening mood.
dwaynejohnson: That’s messed up, bro.
BroccoliBoi: It’s a serious problem and a common manifestation of prejudice against mutation Quirks, unfortunately.
BroccoliBoi: I’m sorry you went through that, Shoji.
Overfiend: Thank you. I appreciate the support.
keebler: Okay, this is getting way too heavy, let’s go back to something sillier.
keebler: So, a few years back I got some American sweets as a Christmas present. And, y’know, I ate them.
keebler: Turns out American desserts have a ton of sugar in them, so I, kinda, went into a trance.
keebler: And stole something in the process.
BroccoliBoi: Oh, that’s fascinating! It might have also been the effects of a different kind of sugar!
BroccoliBoi: I’ve only seen you consume sucrose for your Quirk, but American sweets have a lot of fructose in them, which is a completely different sugar!
BroccoliBoi: Hey, Sato, do you want to experiment with different sugars tomorrow after classes?
keebler: You know what? Sure! Could be useful.
discount pikachu: It’s not technically shoplifting, but y’know how I can recharge from any electrical port?
bassic: Whose laptop did you drain dry?
discount pikachu: I’m hurt that you immediately leapt to that.
discount pikachu: And a little scared that you nailed it that fast.
discount pikachu: It was the prime minister, back when he was still a Diet member.
bassic: You’re just that predictable.
bassic: Wait, hold on, the current prime minister??
God is a Woman: I remember this! He was at a dinner party and ranting about to everyone in earshot!
God is a woman: That was you???
discount pikachu: Apparently???
King Explosion Murder: Leaving aside Dunce Face’s inevitable political demise, we got two fuckers who still haven’t confessed.
King Explosion Murder: Tail-ass, Raccoon Face, step up to the goddamned plate already.
Kangaroo Jack: What do you want from me? I’ve never shoplifted in my life!
in ur base: Once again, pressing X to doubt like the Fist of the North Star.
Kangaroo Jack: I paid! I know I did! I have the credit card statements to prove it! It’s not my fault their system fucked up! But no! They accuse me of not paying!
Kangaroo Jack: Well guess who was laughing after the police showed up and I could show them the receipts!
Kangaroo Jack: How do you like jail time for Quirk discrimination, harassment of a minor, and obscenity!
God is a Woman: …
the peanut dealer: Holy shit.
BroccoliBoi: Um, to give some context: that obscenity charge? Whoever it was must’ve been outright describing what he planned to do to Ojiro, and it must’ve been extra bad, because the bar for obscenity just for speaking is really high.
Kangaroo Jack: Eh, I’ve heard worse.
God is a Woman: … When have you heard worse?!
Kangaroo Jack: USJ.
God is a Woman: Ojiro, that’s not making us feel any better about you going through that!
Kangaroo Jack: Look, it happened, it sucked, I’d really like to stop thinking about it, okay?
dwaynejohnson: Message received, bro.
dwaynejohnson: Guess that just leaves you, Mina!
dancing queen: Okay, fine.
dancing queen: Unlike you posers, I am an actual phantom thief that Nedzu recruited for various reasons.
la creatura: Well, jeez, if you didn’t want to say you could’ve just said so.
Ingenium: And that’s enough of that!
Ingenium: While it was valuable to get this all out into the open, not only should we respect the wishes of anyone who does not wish to share, but we are still students and have schoolwork to prioritize!
discount pikachu: Aw man, Prez, why’d you have to remind us?
discount pikachu: But fine, fine, off to study.
~o~
Mina heaved a sigh of relief at the successful misdirection and flopped onto her bed. Homework sounded like a good idea, something to distract her from that whole… conversation.
But before she could commit, her phone buzzed. Not the usual buzz of regular messages, but the buzz of a private DM. Curious, she flicked her phone open again.
Fingerbang: Wait, you’re the Alien Art Abductor????
Mina gaped briefly at the message, before letting out a heartfelt, emphatic, “Fuck.”