Chapter Text
- SAKURA -
The Furin student body is not made up of careful people.
Well, duh. The school is less of a school and more of a gang base. What part of that implies anything about ‘careful’?
Then again, there are some things they really should be careful about, Haruka thinks. He hates to paint himself a different color, but not everyone grew up knowing how to cooperate with their emotions. Haruka feels like that’s something the people at Furin should understand better than most, but it seems like they still don’t always remember it.
Maybe someone went on a snack run earlier and it’s sugar, maybe Nirei’s in a gossipier mood than usual, maybe the stars just fucking aligned to make Haruka suffer, he doesn’t know and he doesn’t give a flying fuck. They’re being too fucking bold. Boldness is a dollar a dime in this town, but Haruka knows when it’s too much, and this is too much.
Maybe he shouldn’t have offered Nirei his jacket in the rain yesterday, shit. Went to his goddamn head.
“Awh, don’t act like you don’t like us,” Nirei coos with a grin resemblant of Suo, and Haruka feels humiliated. He lets out a noise akin to a spitting cat (shut up), bristling. “HAAH?! Wh-wh- THAT’S SO NOT RELATED! TO ANYTHING!”
“So you do!” Nirei cheers, his hands shooting up in fists- to Haruka’s dismay. He sputters, gripping the back of the seat he’s sitting on backwards. “I-I DON’T!” He does, but he can’t say that. Obviously.
This is the conversation they’ve chosen to torture him with today. Haruka tried to redirect earlier, but of course it never works, and they dove all the way into it anyways. He guesses the sadists all just love seeing him agonize- what can you expect from a school of rejects.
“I don’t know, Sakura-chan,” Kiryu muses, “You seem like an awfully kind person on the inside, even if you are a bit like a stray cat on the outside.”
“Don’t call me a cat!” You know, one thing Haruka really hates is how nobody in this class even bats an eye anymore whenever he screams. Like it’s fucking normal, or something.
“But you do act like one,” Kiryu says in his stupid soft casual twinky tone, pillowing his cheek on one hand as he leans on the back of his chair the same way Haruka is- hell, they’re all sitting like that except Suo. Only one of them’s got manners, clearly. “Aren’t we always bribing you with food?” His eyes swoop over to Suo, just briefly, before they dart back to his phone- the madman somehow plays fast-paced games and talks to people at the same time. “Right, Suo-chan?”
All eyes (except Kiryu’s) turn to the guy with the eyepatch- Haruka’s head whipping over with a particular amount of force. Suo blinks, tilting his head innocently, before he smiles. “Well, he does seem to have a weakness for anything that fills his belly. The way to some peoples’ hearts is through the stomach.”
Haruka growls in Suo’s direction. Damn you. Fucking asshole.
Suo isn’t helping at all, either- hasn’t been this entire time. Haruka hates that he kind of desperately wishes he would. Before, when Haruka was sick, Nirei hadn’t had a fucking clue in the world then, either- he didn’t even try to think about the fact that maybe Haruka’s scared of admitting he likes people because he doesn’t know how to cope with the realization that hating him isn’t just the humanity norm, because that would mean that everyone before hated him just because they could, and that wouldn’t be fucking fair. But at least that time, Suo had noticed, and he got Nirei off Haruka’s sweaty feverish ass.
But he’s not doing that this time. He hasn’t said a fucking word, actually- what, is he in some kind of mood? Because he’s just looking at Haruka with that stupid smile that looks normal, but has just a hint of crinkle to the corner of his eye that Haruka knows and knows it means he’s just enjoying the hell out of this.
“Yeah!” Tsugeura butts in, grinning at Haruka in that way of his that’s so entirely genuine and earnest that it makes Haruka want to sock him in the face. “Food’s a sick love language to have! You wouldn’t take food from someone you didn’t trust, right? So you gotta like us!”
“You can stay the fuck out of this conversation, gym freak!” Haruka fumes, pointing at Tsugeura. “I don’t like you idiots! You’re just- people I hang out with! Because you’re in my class! THAT’S IT!”
“But you hang out with us outside of school, too!” Nirei protests. “Your door’s always unlocked!”
“THAT’S BECAUSE THE LOCK’S BROKEN, YOU DIMWIT!”
“Come onnnn,” Nirei whines, folding his arms on the chair and leaning his head on it. He opens his eyes and looks up at Haruka with his stupid big brown eyes. And Haruka bristles at the look, because he hates how he looks like a goddamn sad puppy begging for scraps, and how he looks hurt. Only a little, but it doesn’t feel fake enough to Haruka. “Can’t you just admit you like us? Even just a littleeee?”
“Why the hell are you laying it on so thick today, anyways?!” Haruka snaps. He lets out a huff, closing his eyes. “I-it’s not that important, anyways.”
“Of course it is!” Nirei exclaims, and oh my god, Haruka could die. Can he just let off it already!?
Why are they so insistent on making me listen to all this shit three times over? It’s like they’re making fun of me. Because Haruka knows it’s not that easy. People don’t just understand him like this. So why the fuck are they right about everything? How do they know exactly how he works?
“It’s important for friends to let each other know!” Nirei says- like a fucking nerd. (Right, he’s why. Psychoanalyzing freak.) “Words of affirmation are an important part of relationships, and they’re especially key in teamwork contexts-”
“Okay, okay, we get it!” Haruka hisses, cutting him off. “I know that, idiot!”
“Plus, they can just be nice to hear, too,” Kiryu adds. “You’d understand how words can be reassuring, right?”
Haruka vehemently ignores that statement, letting out a helpless noise. “Aren’t actions enough?!” he hisses, a little desperate for them to just move on already. “I can tell ya- w-whatever it is you wanna hear, just by freakin’ helping you out! How come you crazies need more than that!?”
“They can be,” Suo muses, butting in. “And we appreciate that part of your communication, Sakura-kun. It’s just that sometimes people want a verbal confirmation, too.”
“Yeah!” Nirei agrees. “It’s not that we don’t like what you do for us physically- cause we do, for the record! At least I do!”
Stop fucking complimenting me, Haruka begs in his head, because no way he’s saying it out loud. Please.
“Yeah, that’s true! You’re really good at showing stuff with your body instead of your words, man!” Tsugeura agrees. “Like, hey, remember how you walked Kakiuchi home when he had a limp the other week? That was real cool of you!”
Anyone would have done that. No one woulda batted an eye if Suo or Nirei did it. Why is it only noticeable when it’s me?
(Because I look like this. Because I’m the odd one out, even in this place, and someone like me doing a kindness is shocking to them.)
“You do more than I do, that’s for sure,” Kiryu adds. “It is our job, but I can’t say I’m as hard a worker.”
“Right! You’re practically a workhorse!” Nirei says, the same way he talks about people he thinks are utterly awesome.
Haruka bristles at that specific description.
“Right, so earnest!” Kiryu giggles.
What the fuck does earnest even mean. Isn’t that the same thing as honest? What’s so special about telling the truth?
“You gotta appreciate a dude who’s always willing to help out,” Tsugeura agrees.
“And you’re always so bashful about it,” Kiryu muses.
“True,” Suo adds. And then he smiles. “It’s almost cute sometimes.”
Haruka loses his words. What the fuck is it, ‘compliment your class captain until he passes out from headrush’ day?!
He says that as a joke, but fuck, it’s- they really gotta stop. He can only get so much redder. It’s not like Haruka actually does hate them but he- he can’t say that. Kotoha’s nagging be fucking damned, it’s too soon. Haruka knows when too soon is too soon. He can’t admit it because- what if something happens? There’s still a chance they could change their minds about him. There always is. There always will be. And then he’ll have to live with the fact that he admitted to himself that he liked them- that he misses them. He’ll have to live with that fucking regret.
People don’t warm up to my type as easily as they did. Haruka is all too aware of that. I know they can’t have a problem with violence unless they’re huge hypocrites, but that’s not all it could be. I still look like this . And even if that’s not it there’s always still something I don’t know about. People always find something.
“Oops, you’re blushing,” Kiryu says, making Tsugerua laugh. “Hey, hey, let off it a bit, Tsuge. You’ll freak him out.”
Oh, yeah, like you haven’t already. Haruka bristles, hackles raising. Laughter at his expense is something he’s more familiar with- but for some reason it feels weird, feels worse , when it’s them.
He doesn’t- fucking like this. Because it’s too much, too fucking quick, and Haruka is scared. Can’t they see that?
“Hey,” Haruka snaps, rough. He scowls, desperately willing the redness off of his face. “F-fuck off, alright?!”
For a moment, Nirei’s smile fades a little, and he tilts his head in genuine concern. “O-oh, sorry, Sakura-san- we might be saying kind of a lot all at once, huh?”
And then they treat him like he’s fragile. Like he needs to be stepped around. Treated like glass.
“NO!” Haruka shouts, slamming his fist onto the nearest desk. And it’s stupid. Nirei’s right- Haruka doesn’t want him to be right, but he is. But then Haruka goes and convinces him he’s wrong, just to protect his pride. “TH-THAT’S NOT IT! I’M JUST TRYINA’ STOP MYSELF FROM TURNING REDDER THAN A FREAKIN’ TRAFFIC LIGHT BEFORE YOU IDIOTS MAKE ME PASS OUT FROM BLUSHING!”
They laugh, relaxing. “Awhahah,” Kiryu coos, covering his mouth. “Is that you saying you like being complimented?”
“NO!” Yes. He does like it, but he knows he doesn’t deserve it. You’re wrong. Nothing you’re saying is true.
“Aw, come on, Sakura, there’s no reason to be embarrassed.” Tsugeura grins at him. Shut up. Shut up.
“You’re a good person, Sakura-kun.” Suo smiles, eye closed, serene. “We only want to make sure you understand that.”
I’m not a good fucking person. I’m a monster, everyone I ever met outside of Makochi made sure I knew that. Kids used to cry at the sight of me.
Haruka’s been trying to adjust to the sudden change of peoples’ attitudes towards him in Makochi. The people here are okay with him, sure. It’s weird, it’s new- but Haruka can accept it. Makochi is just strange; that’s it. That’s all it is.
But that doesn’t make anything they say true. Haruka’s still a monster. He’s still ugly. He’s still a problem child. Whatever the people of this town do, whatever they say, nothing changes what’s outside of it. Maybe people don’t mind him here , but they do elsewhere . Makochi is some kind of pocket, and the rest of the world is still the same- like an air bubble in the middle of a raging sea. The rest of the world would still shun him, toss him, scream at him to go away.
Haruka Sakura is not a good person. And he knows that.
So why the fuck won’t these crazy people stop trying to change his mind?
“Besides,” Nirei sighs. He folds his arms on the back of the chair and plops his chin on the pillow they’ve made, closing his eyes. “Trust and affection are two different things, y’know. You don’t have to like anyone, I guess, just as long as you trust us enough… that’s the part that’s most important for our job as Bofurin.”
For a second, Haruka’s confused. What? Why did he suddenly change his mind?
Not for long.
“Buuuuut,” Nirei says, his eyes opening back up as he points a finger at Haruka from his stationary hand. “If you didn’t at least like us a tiny bit, you wouldn’t be nice to us. So I’m right.”
Haruka is scared.
“Why is this turning into a debate!?” he snarls. “You’re making a big deal out of stupid shit!”
“My case stands,” Nirei shrugs, holding his hands out innocently. “Why’d you let Suo and I be your vice captains? You could have chosen quieter people, but you didn’t.”
“I didn’t choose!” he yells, and this time as soon as he starts he knows he’s being too loud if he’s a hitch above the others, making heads turn. “You fucking invited yourself into the positions! You can’t even fight, I didn’t fucking ask for someone like you to chauffer me, okay!?”
In hindsight, Haruka wishes he would’ve seen Kiryu look up from his phone with mild disbelief, but he doesn’t, and he’s too focused on Nirei. The blonde lets out a mock offended gasp, leaning back in his chair and smacking a hand to his chest with a dull thump. “‘Scuse me! Sakura-san, I know I can be a little overbearing sometimes but that doesn’t call for that kind of language, sure you’re a little strayish, but c’mon, I know you like me just a little bit! At least I wouldn’t say annoying’s the word-”
And Haruka knows it’s wrong before he even says it. For some fucking reason he opens his mouth anyways.
(Haruka doesn’t have a filter- that’s why. He’s always spoken his mind. When people think you’re rude, and when they call you a monster and a problem child all your life, you learn to grow into the shoes.)
“Annoying is DEFINITELY THE FUCKING WORD!” he shouts, chair screeching as he stands up. (Why did he stand up? It just made everything worse. It just makes him seem madder.) “Would you just shut up and quit telling me I need things when I don’t?! I was fine before you frolicked into my life, and I’d still be fine without, and you can learn to filter your damn mouth-” (he’s a hypocrite,) “-before you go around saying things that aren’t freakin’ true because- BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT! So what if you’re my fuckin’ vice captain, I-I don’t- need you around to survive-” (lie. He’s a liar, too.) “-and maybe I don’t WANT YOU AROUND, EITHER!”
Silence.
Something’s wrong.
Haruka’s skin crawls. That shouldn’t have hit as hard as it did, he realizes. He’s said all that before (even if those times, Nirei always knew for sure that he didn’t actually mean it. The back of his mind curls in guilt and shame at the admission, but that’s for later). There was something else he said. Maybe it was just the amalgamation of all of it, put into one place and ordered a certain way that makes it all sound way worse than if it was just separate, on its own. (Haruka feels that way about a lot of things.)
And maybe I don’t want you around either.
Oh.
(And Haruka is impulsive. Really, stupidly fucking impulsive. He hates himself for it sometimes.)
Haruka’s hand darts up and slaps over his own mouth, which makes it worse because it incriminates him, makes him look like he said something he hadn’t meant to say out loud. Which is true, he hadn’t meant to say it period, but it’s not like he’d been thinking that kind of shit to himself and just not saying it aloud, because he hasn’t.
Suo’s smile has faded, and that’s not an issue as long as the look in his eye hasn’t changed too, which it hasn’t- but the problem is that Nirei’s is gone too. And his eyes are wide, but not wide like they are when he’s surprised, they’re just- not wide enough and just a little too wide at the same time, and there’s nothing like tears in them but it looks like there should be, and that’s worse if you ask Haruka.
And the silence is deafening. Haruka bristles as he feels eyes on him- which he’s always been able to feel, because people always stare- and Haruka, stupid fucking Haruka, can’t help but bend under the pressure. His hand lowers shakily, and he snarls. “What!?” he yells, like an asshole, looking around at the eyes like they’re the ones in the wrong, feigning blamelessness that he absolutely doesn’t feel. And, fuck, that made it worse.
(And the thing about Haruka is that he always somehow finds a way to make things worse. Maybe people were right when they called his yellow eye cursed.)
His eyes dart around, and his heartbeat feels way too fucking loud. Did he think that would help? Because it didn’t. It made it fucking worse. He’s scared. Haruka is used to being scared, because fuck, look at how his life has gone, okay? But this is the first time he had anything to care about other than himself, and it’s fucking scary. Scarier than it was before. Fucking funny how irony works.
Haruka dares to look at Nirei again. He regrets it.
That’s the same look on his face that made Suo lose it during the KEEL fight. That’s not sadness, he’s not crying- he’s biting his lip and looking down and he looks guilty. Like he’s the one who just told his best friend what a piece of shit he is.
“Sakura-” Kiryu starts, and Haruka hears Anzai and Tsugeura shout after him, but he’s out the door already, because Haruka doesn’t know how to face his mistakes.
(And even though it’s almost always Haruka’s fault wherever he ends up, his foolish belief that it was the fault of the pieces of shit who kicked him around his entire life before he ran off to Makochi leads him to stubbornly stick to whatever decision he makes, even when it’s the wrong one.)