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"I'm so sorry Jhoanna."
Jhoanna's jaws clench painfully tight to stop herself from sobbing out loud. Her lips were quivering, her pupils were shaking, and her eyes were starting to well with tears that she tries her hardest to hold back. Her heart hurt with every beat and she found herself having trouble breathing. Aiah stood before her, eyes reflecting heartbreak of her own. But unlike Jhoanna, the older woman lets her tears fall freely down her cheeks.
"Bakit naman hindi mo sinabi sa akin agad?" Jhoanna rasps out, voice laced with hurt and desperation. She sees Aiah's eyes shed even more tears at that.
"I tried Jho. Believe me, I tried. But every time I've gathered enough courage to tell you, you'd look at me with those big smiles and warm eyes . . . and I always end up choking on my words and not being able to say anything at all. I'm really, really sorry."
"I wish you would've just told me regardless. Kay tita ko pa mismo nalaman na aalis ka na. Bukas na daw yung flight mo, Aiah. And hindi mo man lang sinabi sa akin. Do you know how much that hurts? May balak ka man lang bang magpaalam?"
"That's why I'm sorry. Ayaw lang naman kitang mahirapan sa pag-alis ko, Jho. Pero once in a lifetime lang kasi yung opportunity na to. I just can't let it pass."
"I understand that it's been your dream for years. Hindi naman kita pipigilan sa pag-alis eh. I would've been supportive, even. Dapat nagsabi ka man lang. Sobrang blindsided ako dito Aiah, oh. Is this the reason why you broke up with me?"
Aiah's shoulders sag in defeat as she sits down on her bed, Jhoanna remaining standing in front of her. She uses her hands to cover her eyes as she sobs, and Jhoanna moves to kneel in front of her, taking her hands in her own and pulling her into a tight hug. Jhoanna was mumbling sweet nothings into Aiah’s ears as she cried into the former’s shoulder.
Jhoanna's heart hurt as she heard Aiah's cries. She could only hug the older woman tighter as she tried to comprehend everything. Aiah has been offered a scholarship to finish her master’s degree in France. It has been her girlfriend’s dream ever since she was young to go to the country and Jhoanna understands why she wanted to go.
Thinking that this might be the real reason why Aiah broke up with her – instead of her earlier claim of falling out of love – gave Jhoanna hope that maybe, their relationship doesn't have to actually end.
Once Aiah has finally stopped crying and has calmed down significantly, Jhoanna pulls back a bit to cup her face gently. The older woman leans into the touch and looks back at her affectionately, warmly, lovingly, and Jhoanna feels her heart skipping a beat. Aiah then reaches her hands up to place over Jhoanna's.
"Sana maintindihan mo Jho, na hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal akong maglalagi sa bansang yun. It might take me years before I can come back. And sobrang unfair ko naman kung ipagpapatuloy ko pa tong sa atin na wala naman ding kasiguraduhan. I can't make you wait for my return which may take years–"
"Wala akong pakialam kung abutin ka man doon ng taon! I love you, okay? And I'm willing to wait for you no matter how long. Just, please don't break up with me."
"Oh, Jhoanna. Mahal din kita. Mahal na mahal, higit pa sa sobra. But I . . .” Aiah lets out a defeated sigh as she cups Jhoanna’s cheeks gently, lovingly staring into her eyes.
“I don't know what may happen in the future, but I want you to know that I love you and it's alright for you to fall in love with someone else. Maiintindihan ko, okay? You deserve to be happy, mahal."
"No! I'm not going to fall in love with anyone else. Hihintayin kita. Do whatever it is you have to do there then come back home, come back to me."
"I'll come back. Pangako, kapag tapos na lahat ng kailangan tapusin, babalik ako dito. At kung sa pagbalik ko ay wala pang ibang nagmamay-ari niyang puso mo, then we could try again. But I want you to try too.”
Aiah pauses and pins Jhoanna with an almost pleading look.
“Kapag merong ibang dumating na makakapagpasaya sayo, I want you to try and give them a chance Jhoanna. Sobrang hirap ng long distance, mahal. Pahihirapan lang natin ang mga sarili natin kung magpupumilit tayo. So for now, I'm letting you go. Thank you for loving me unconditionally through the years, Jhoanna. Mahal na mahal kita."
A single tear falls from Aiah's eyes as she slowly leans forward to capture Jhoanna's lips in a soft, sweet, final kiss.
It’s cold out.
It’s raining heavily outside. The pitter-pattering of raindrops against the roofs serving as an effective distraction for Jhoanna. She huffs as she tightens her hold on the umbrella she keeps over her head. She looks up at the sky and infers that it’s going to be raining for quite a while. She closes her eyes, reminiscing of days past spent inside, with Aiah, cuddling under blankets as they refused to get up from their bed.
It's been two years since Aiah left for France, and even though they tried their hardest to keep in touch at first, they still somehow fell apart as the days passed. It must have been due to the difference in time zones, and to both of them getting busy with their own lives – Jhoanna with her new position in the company and Aiah with her studies and adjusting to her new environment. Their daily calls turned into every other day, then into maybe once or twice a week, to only when they both have spare time until they just stopped calling each other altogether.
It hurt. It hurt Jhoanna so much. But she understands that they're living very different lives now, and she teaches herself to slowly accept that fact. But it doesn't mean it makes it hurt any less. Jhoanna still misses Aiah a lot, some days more so than others. Today is one of them.
Aiah loved the rainy days a lot. Something about how everything looked peaceful, quiet and calm despite the downpour. The older woman loved to stay indoors and make hot chocolate as she takes Jhoanna with her to cuddle on the couch. Sometimes they’d have movie marathons, other times they’d just talk about anything and everything.
Jhoanna loved the days spent cuddling on the couch in silence the most, just sitting there, with Aiah snuggled beside her as they sipped on their warm drinks. Nowadays, Jhoanna spends more time outside during the rainy season when the circumstances would allow it. Cooping herself up in her apartment just makes her reminisce, and thus hurt and long for something that is so far out of her reach now.
She spends a couple minutes more on that park bench before she stands up, ready to head home. She hasn’t even taken her fifth step when someone runs into her, causing the both of them to stumble to the ground. Jhoanna grumbles, her bum hurting and her being quickly getting drenched by the rain. But she was thankful nonetheless that it was her bum that took the blunt of her fall instead of her head.
Grumbling some more as she stands up, she picks up her umbrella that she dropped at the collision. The feel of her clothes now wet and cold from the rainwater sends an uncomfortable shiver down her spine. She was about to just walk away when she hears the person who bumped into her shout out a quick ‘I’m so sorry!’
Jhoanna turns back around to see the person – a woman a couple of inches shorter than her – standing up and picking up all of her stuff that scattered on the ground. Her umbrella lay discarded to the side as she lets herself get soaked by the rain. Feeling sorry for the other woman, who looked flustered as she picked up her things in a hurry, Jhoanna begins to help. They spent a moment just picking up scattered groceries until they have gathered everything again.
“There,” Jhoanna says with an accomplished grin as she hands the things she picked up to the other woman.
Said woman looks up and Jhoanna finally gets a good look at her face. She freezes for a moment, because the woman was really pretty and the smile on her face looked so blinding, for lack of a better term. Jhoanna has never seen a smile that bright and, dare she say, contagious. She looked absolutely adorable for someone her age – and Jhoanna assumes she’s only a couple of years younger than her.
“Thank you so much miss. Sorry talaga nabangga kita. Nabasa ka pa tuloy. It’s just that the bags were sort of covering my face and I couldn’t see where I was going and I’m just really, really sorry.”
Jhoanna had to hold back the urge to chuckle because even the woman’s rambling was cute. She opts to smile instead, and to both of their surprise, offers to help the other woman carry her groceries back home. Jhoanna curses at herself and her uncharacteristic behavior, but when she sees the light blush that dusts across the woman’s cheeks and the way her gaze flickers to the ground, Jhoanna couldn’t really bring herself to regret her slip of tongue.
“I’m Jhoanna Robles by the way,” Jhoanna says with a slight smile.
The woman finally looks up at her and grins widely and Jhoanna was right, her smile really was contagious.
“Maloi Ricalde. Pleased to meet you, Jhoanna.”
“Wow. No offense Jho, but you look like shit.”
Jhoanna could only roll her eyes at Maloi’s greeting as she pushes past the older woman to get inside the latter’s apartment. She heads straight to the couch, discarding her bag at the coffee table before letting her tired body sag on the couch. Maloi follows her, a fond smile on her lips. She lifts Jhoanna’s legs and slides in to take a seat on the couch before replacing the younger woman’s legs on her lap. She then begins massaging Jhoanna’s legs which makes the latter let out a satisfied groan.
“Oh God . . . You’re a Godsend Mary Loi,” Jhoanna says, and Maloi just laughs at her silliness.
“And you’re overreacting. Long day at work?”
“Mmmhmm. We had a meeting with prospective foreign investors today and everyone was just SO busy and I . . . Gusto ko na lang matulog.”
“Awww . . . you poor baby. Good thing you came just in time. Malapit nang matapos yung mga niluluto ko. Why don’t you go get a shower while I finish up at the kitchen so we can have dinner soon?”
Maloi lifts Jhoanna’s legs up again so she could stand up, walking over to caress the latter’s cheek quickly before she heads back into the kitchen. But before she can even turn around, Jhoanna has gently taken a hold of her wrist and pulled, making her fall on top of the younger woman. The older woman splutters, scrambling to get back on her feet but Jhoanna just wraps her long arms around her waist and locks her in a tight embrace. With a groan and face flushing a bright red, Maloi buries her face into the crook of Jhoanna’s neck in embarrassment.
A loud, fond chuckle slips past Jhoanna’s lips as she pats Maloi’s back comfortingly. It still amazes her how comfortable around and with each other the two of them have become even after only about half a year of friendship. As soon as they got past that awkward getting-to-know-each-other phase in their friendship, everything else seems to just have clicked into place.
Maloi has been, for the lack of a better word, Jhoanna’s saving grace.
Maloi, with her contagious smiles, bright personality and outgoing and stubborn nature has unconsciously helped Jhoanna so much in terms of moving forward. Jhoanna doesn’t think much of Aiah these days, and she has Maloi to thank for that.
“Loi?”
“Hmmm?”
“Thank you.”
Maloi doesn’t ask Jhoanna what she’s thanking her for. She merely pushes back a bit so that she’s hovering a couple of inches over Jhoanna to look her in the eyes, lips stretched into a wide, understanding smile. She reaches a hand up to cup Jhoanna’s cheek tenderly, and the latter could only lean into the touch.
“Time heals all wounds, Jhoanna. I don’t have any idea what happened to you before, but do know that I’m always here, all ears and willing to listen, when you finally feel ready to speak your mind.”
The other woman’s gaze was oozing with warmth and comfort and Jhoanna couldn’t help but melt. Her heart skips a beat inside her chest as she sees the adoring look Maloi was directing at her.
Maloi was peace and love and comfort all rolled into one tiny human being and Jhoanna couldn’t help but get enamored by her.
Maloi was the sunshine in Jhoanna’s somewhat murky life, and she gets that feeling of adoration and the start of what she thinks is love ignite inside her chest. She wraps her arms around the older woman again and pulls her back down into another tight hug.
Maybe it isn’t so bad to try.
Maybe she can give her and Maloi a chance.
Maybe Maloi can make her fall in love again.
Jhoanna was finally willing to try.
Jhoanna’s heart drops into her stomach when the door to Maloi’s apartment unit finally opens and she’s met with the sight of a tired-looking Maloi. The older woman’s eyes were bloodshot and there were dark circles beneath them, like she just cried herself to sleep the night before, and Jhoanna figures it might not be far from the truth. Her heart clenches at the thought.
Maloi’s lips were set into a straight line, and the usual glint in her eyes was missing. It feels like a different person was standing before Jhoanna instead of the Maloi she knew and loved.
“Anong ginagawa mo dito, Jhoanna?” Maloi finally asks after a while, breaking the silence between them. Jhoanna startles and stumbles over her words.
“I – uhm . . . Yesterday . . . Loi . . . Yung nangyari kahapon–”
A loud sigh coming from Maloi makes Jhoanna shut her mouth abruptly. She looks at the older woman and sees the latter looking up at her with a fond yet pained smile on her lips. Wordlessly, Maloi reaches out to gently cup her cheek. They spend a few silent moments like that, Maloi’s hand on Jhoanna’s cheek and her gaze roaming all over latter’s face as a small smile adorned her lips. Jhoanna’s heart was racing and her hands were twitching by her side, itching to just reach out and engulf Maloi in a tight hug.
Maloi’s smile turns down into a slight frown as another sigh pushes past her lips. She averts her gaze from Jhoanna’s, fixing it on a spot on the ground. Jhoanna was about to ask what was wrong when Maloi began speaking again.
“I think I need some time to myself Jhoanna.”
“But–”
“Jhoanna . . . Please? Pakibigay naman na sakin to, oh. All I’m asking for is some time. I think it will be for the best, for all of us, if we don’t see each other for a while. You’re clearly still confused of your feelings–”
“I’m not!”
“Talaga ba? Oh sige nga, kung hindi ka talaga nalilito, sino bang mas mahal mo? Ako, o yung babaeng kahalikan mo kahapon?”
At Jhoanna’s sudden silence, a chuckle devoid of feelings slips past Maloi’s lips. She puts a hand on Jhoanna’s chest, over the spot where her heart lies beating, before she turns to look Jhoanna in the eyes.
“See? Kung hindi ka nalilito, you wouldn’t have hesitated to choose me. Ni hindi ka nga makasagot sa simpleng tanong na yan eh. And please, hindi ako manhid Jho. Tanga siguro, kasi ipinagpatuloy ko pa din tong relasyon natin kahit na kita at ramdam ko na may mahal ka pang iba. Pero hindi ako manhid.”
Maloi pauses as she takes in a deep, shaky breath and all the while, Jhoanna’s trying her best to remind herself to breathe. Every word that falls from the older woman’s lips is like a shard of cold ice shooting straight into her heart.
“Akala ko, matututunan mo din akong mahalin nang higit pa sa pagmamahal mo sa kanya. I was desperate, because I was in too deep for my feelings for you. Bakit kasi napakadali mong mahalin, Jhoanna? Ang hirap hirap tuloy magparaya. Ang unfair na kasi Jho. And sa totoo lang, pagod na pagod na akong masaktan. Akala ko, kakayanin ko. Pero nakakapagod pala talagang mabuhay sa anino ng iba. Sobrang sakit na, Jho. Kasi sa tuwing nakikita ko yung ekspresyon sa mukha mo pag ako yung kasama mo, yung para bang sa isip mo gusto mong siya yung kasama mo imbes na ako, napapahiling na lang ako sa langit na sana ako na lang siya.”
By this point, Maloi and Jhoanna are already a sobbing mess, hearts hurting beyond the pain of a simple heartbreak.
Jhoanna remembers the day before, her shock at finding Aiah in her office, and the nostalgia that washed over her being at the sight of the older woman. She was lost in a daze, too shocked to process things, and it was late when she realized that she was already kissing Aiah like her life depended on it. She didn't even realize that Maloi was also there, until it was all too late.
“Alam mo ba, before meeting you, I was such a picky person when it came to love? Andami dami at ang taas taas ng standards ko noon, to the point na naging running joke samin ng mga kaibigan ko na tatanda akong dalaga kasi walang makakameet ng mga yun. At alam mo kung anong number one rule ko noon?”
Another pause, and Jhoanna feels her soul rip when she hears the anguished sob that escapes Maloi’s lips.
“Pinangako ko sa sarili ko, na hindi ko hahayaang manatili ako sa isang relasyon na hindi ako ang first choice at main priority. Kasi ayaw na ayaw kong nagmamakaawa, Jhoanna. But you happened and Jho, sa buong pagsasama natin, kulang na lang lumuhod ako sa harap mo at magmakaawa na ako naman. Na sana tuwing tumitingin ka sakin eh pinagdarasal ko na ako yung nakikita mo. And I was willing to wait years for that to happen. Because the moment you came into my life with your pretty smile and your sad eyes, lahat ng pangako ko sa sarili ko nakalimutan ko dahil at para sayo.”
At this point, Maloi’s whole body is shaking from her sobs and all the emotions she’s feeling, her lips quivering as she looks at Jhoanna with all the desperation of a woman scorned by love. And as Jhoanna realizes that she’s the cause of this , that it was her who reduced the brightest and warmest person she’s ever known into this sobbing, shaking mess, Jhoanna feels something inside her break.
“Kaya please, Jhoanna, hayaan mo na muna ako. Kasi sa totoo lang? Parang mababaliw na ko sa sobrang sakit. Mahal na mahal kita, pero sobrang sakit mong mahalin.”
Maloi puts a hand behind Jhoanna’s neck and she gently pulls downward, so that the latter is leaning down a bit. With Jhoanna’s head now at the same level as her lips, Maloi leans forward to place a lingering kiss on the younger woman’s forehead – her final act of selfishness.
Jhoanna’s eyes close of their own accord, savoring the feeling of Maloi’s lips against her skin. The moment ends as quickly as it has started though, as Maloi began to pull back again. Jhoanna almost begs for the older woman to not let go. But she’s been selfish enough, and she knows she needs to grant this request despite it killing her inside.
“Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal. At hindi ko alam kung may kasiguraduhan. But when the time comes that the two of us have healed enough, kapag dumating yung panahon na kaya na ulit kitang makasama na hindi ko nararamdamang para akong sinasaksak, then maybe we can try again. As friends.”
Maloi pauses to look Jhoanna in the eyes, as if searching for something.
Jhoanna wanted to beg on her knees to make Maloi stay.
In the end, they left a lot of things unsaid between the two of them. Jhoanna knows it will haunt her for the rest of her life, but she’s too much of a coward and she’s been selfish enough. This time, she needs to put Maloi first.
“Good bye, Jhoanna. I hope you’d remember that, despite everything and despite all the pain, mahal na mahal kita.”
With that, Maloi retreats inside her apartment and closes the door behind her, leaving Jhoanna to deal with the fallout of her own cowardice.