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It’s a known fact that Jhoanna hated her father's job.
Sure, it pays a ton. Yeah, it secures them financially. But that goddamn job required them to move around the country a lot. And she hated it because she had to move schools a lot. Being the "new kid" isn't necessarily a good thing. She hated the stares, the hushed whispers behind her back, and the fact that she couldn't make any permanent friends because she's gonna be leaving them sooner or later anyway.
"I'm sorry, anak. Promise last na to for now. Promise din na hindi muna tayo maglilipat hanggang sa makatapos ka ng high school. Nangako yung boss ko, kaya cheer up na okay?" her father tells her soothingly.
Jhoanna could only sigh, nodding her head in assent before trudging back into her room. Her father should really stop making promises he couldn't really keep.
This has got to be the worst day ever.
Jhoanna groans in frustration internally as she looks at her watch. Great. She only has about ten minutes to look for the principal's office before the warning bell rings and she's freaking lost. Why did her father enroll her in a school this huge, anyway? To be honest, she wouldn't have minded going to the public school near their place. In fact, she would’ve preferred if she attended there instead.
She was walking hurriedly, looking down at the school map in her hands without paying a mind to her surroundings. It was inevitable that she'd bump into someone along the way. The poor person who had the unfortunate luck of bumping into her was shorter than her, so they fell to the ground on their bum, hard.
"I'm so sorry!" she exclaims, throwing the map aside to help the poor girl out.
She had to pause when their gazes met though. The girl's eyes were sparkling, full of life and mirth, as she smiled up at Jhoanna without any hint of annoyance in them. The latter could only stare, because the girl was really pretty, like really pretty. And she had to hold herself back a little because the girl’s smile was much too contagious.
"Okay lang," the girl tells her, voice somewhat airy and light, one Jhoanna hasn't really heard before.
Jhoanna helps her get up, and the smile on the girl's face never left, even after she dusted herself off. The former could only offer her multiple repeated apologies as she bowed over and over. The girl brushes the apologies off with a chuckle and has to hold onto Jhoanna's shoulders to stop her from bowing.
"Huy, tama na yan. Okay nga lang. Stop apologizing na, please? Hmmm . . . I think I haven't seen you here before. Are you by any chance a new student?"
"Uh . . . Yeah. Kakatransfer ko lang, actually. I'm a second year. My name's Jhoanna Robles."
"I'm in my second year too! Mary Loi Ricalde, pero you can call me Maloi naman. What class are you in?"
"Uhm, hindi ko pa alam eh. I have to go to the principal's office to get my schedule but I'm lost so . . ."
Maloi chuckles at her answer, the sound so genuinely happy that Jhoanna couldn't help but smile. She decides right there and then that the other girl’s laugh is one of her most favorite sounds from now on.
"Well then, would you mind if I accompany you there?" Maloi asks playfully.
Again, Jhoanna smiles.
"No, not at all."
"Jho, come on! Please? Pretty, pretty please?"
Jhoanna had to steel her resolve to not give in to Maloi's pleading. The older girl could really be persuasive with her big, doe eyes and cute pout. They’ve been friends for years, and Jhoanna kind of hates herself for being unable to resist the other girl’s pout when in fact, she should be immune to it by now.
She turns on her side to look at Maloi who was lying on her bed beside her, the latter’s hold on her arm rather tight. Jhoanna fixes her a steely gaze, and Maloi’s pout deepens. The younger girl almost gives in.
Almost.
“Mary Loi, for the last time, hindi talaga kaya. I’m sorry pero hindi kita masasamahan to watch that movie. Nakapangako na kasi ako kay Aiah na sasamahan ko siyang bisitahin yung grandparents niya mamaya.”
The light in Maloi’s eyes dims instantly, her hold on Jhoanna’s arms going slack. The latter doesn’t miss the way her friend’s eyes casted downwards in an attempt to hide the sudden sadness reflected in them. Jhoanna feels her heart clench a bit, seeing the dejected look on Maloi’s face, and she immediately feels bad. Now that she thinks about it, ever since she met Aiah about a year ago, she hasn’t really been spending much time with her best friend.
Maybe she could still find her way out of her promise with Aiah. But it’s Aiah, the girl she’s spent a whole year crushing really hard on. But even before she could make up her mind, Maloi was already getting up from her bed, walking straight to her study table to gather her belongings. Jhoanna quickly gets up to follow.
“What are you doing? Where are you going?” she asks as she follows the older girl to the door.
Maloi just lets out a tired sigh, stopping on her tracks to turn around and face Jhoanna.
“Home. Nawalan na din ako ng ganang manood. Sige na, samahan mo na lang si Aiah. At least may isa ka man lang pangako na matutupad. Bye Jho,” with that, Maloi finally leaves, leaving behind a baffled Jhoanna who was frozen on her spot.
What does she mean by that? Jhoanna thinks hard, trying to remember if she ever made any promises to her best friend. Her eyes widen and her mouth hangs open at a memory from about three months prior when she and Maloi went to the mall.
Maloi and Jhoanna just finished shopping for a gift they’d give to Gwen for her birthday, which will be on the following week, when they passed by the cinemas. Maloi stopped on her tracks to stare at one of the posters and Jhoanna had to trace her steps back to her best friend. She stood behind Maloi, resting her chin on the shorter girl’s shoulder to look at the poster.
“You want to watch that?” Jhoanna asks. Maloi nods her head slowly, never taking her eyes off the poster.
“Edi tara na.”
“It’s not out until a couple of months more though. Three more months to be exact,” Maloi says softly.
Jhoanna just chuckles at her and nuzzles her cheek with her nose.
“Then let’s wait until it’s finally out.”
“You’d watch it with me?”
“Yeah. I promise.”
Jhoanna groans as she makes her way back to her bed, plopping down on her back, arms spread wide. She stares up at the ceiling, mentally berating herself for forgetting. She could still remember the hopeful look in Maloi’s eyes as the older turned towards her, their faces mere centimeters apart, all those months ago. Then she recalls the sad and dejected look her best friend sported earlier.
She groans some more and pushes a pillow over her face. She’s such an idiot.
“Why do you look like someone just kicked your puppy over and over?”
Jhoanna’s pout deepens as she takes another swig from the can of beer she was holding. It’s her third can already, and she’s getting quite a bit dizzy, but she couldn’t really care less. She’s quite upset right now and she needed all the alcohol she could get. Screw Maloi and all her jokes and lectures later.
“Ilang beses pa ba kitang kailangan paalalahanan na masama nga sa atay mo ang mag-inom? C’mon Jhoanna Christine, you’re not seventeen anymore. You’re turning twenty-three in a couple of weeks,” Maloi rambles as she stands beside Jhoanna by the railings of her apartment building’s rooftop.
Jhoanna just scoffs at her but doesn’t answer. She continues gulping down her beer, eventually reaching for her fourth can. Maloi doesn’t make any move to stop her.
“Si Aiah na naman ba, Jho?” Maloi asks after a few beats spent in silence.
Jhoanna’s hand that was holding the beer freezes mid-way to her lips, her jaws clenching painfully. Maloi takes notice.
The latter sighs, turning to face Jhoanna and gently prying the can from her hold. Jhoanna doesn’t protest, feeling too tired and hurt already. Maloi holds her by the shoulders, turning her so that they’re now facing each other. Then she wraps her arms around Jhoanna’s neck and gently guides the taller woman’s head towards her shoulder.
The latter buries her face in the crook of Maloi’s neck, inhaling deeply and letting the older's scent calm her. One of Maloi’s hands pats Jhoanna’s head comfortingly.
“Magiging maayos din lahat yan, Jho. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding. You two will be able to fix things in the morning when you’ve both calmed down. Like you always do. So, cheer up a little will ‘ya? And stop torturing your liver like this every time the two of you fight. It’s gonna be bad for you in the long run.”
Jhoanna, despite the heaviness she feels in her heart, finally manages a small smile against Maloi’s neck. She finally feels a tad better and Maloi must’ve felt it too, because she turned her head sideways to plant a soft peck against the side of her head.
Jhoanna is really thankful for Maloi’s presence in her life. She’s thankful that the other woman stayed with her throughout the years even though she’s been nothing but a jerk and an asshole to her majority of the time. She’s just glad that she has Maloi with her.
“Okay na, ha? Tama na kakaoverthink. Need mo lang ipahinga yan. Kaya tara na sa loob, and let's eat ice cream and junk food to our hearts’ content as we watch all of the Harry Potter movies all over again.”
A wide, genuinely happy smile spreads across Jhoanna’s lips as she lets Maloi drag her back inside the building. Yeah. She’s really, really thankful to whoever was responsible for bringing Maloi Ricalde into her life.
Jhoanna sighs happily as she pulls Aiah even closer against her, their bodies warm and snug beneath the thick blankets shielding them from the cold air of the ac. With a fond smile on her lips, she presses a soft, lingering kiss on the top of Aiah’s head. She could see the smile that graced Aiah’s lips as the other woman snuggled closer to her.
Today has been one of the best days in Jhoanna’s life. She and Aiah have finally made the decision to move in together after spending the whole day on a perfect date and she couldn’t be any happier. The two of them have been dating for almost two years now, and Jhoanna honestly could see herself spending the rest of her life with the woman in her arms.
Aiah was already fast asleep when Jhoanna’s phone began vibrating on top of the nightstand. She looks at the clock and sees that it’s already half past 12 AM. And her brows furrowed in confusion as she wondered who it could be bothering her in the middle of the night. She purses her lips in annoyance when she sees Gwen's name on her screen.
“Ano?” was her greeting, slight annoyance evident in her voice.
She could hear Gwen's snort of displeasure on the other line, and the words she was about to say instantly dying at the tip of her tongue. Gwen rarely gets angry, usually being soft spoken and calm. But she can also be quite intimidating when she wants to be.
“Seryoso, Jho? Kala ko ba napag-usapan na natin to? Buong araw ka naming sinusubukang icontact. Pero ni isang tawag o text wala kang sinagot. Baka lang nakalimutan mo, pero katatapos lang ng birthday ng best friend mo. You know, the best friend who has always been there for you through thick and thin over the years.”
There's a slight pause, and Jhoanna could hear Gwen taking a deep breath. But she can't bring herself to focus on that because her mind is reeling from the fact that, despite promising to do better and to make up for all her shortcomings as a best friend, she has failed Maloi yet again.
“Look. Gets naman namin na masaya ka sa lovelife mo. And honestly, Mikha, Colet, and I expected that this might happen. Ang amin lang, sana hindi ka na nagbitaw nung mga pangako na sinabi mo sa kanya if you were gonna end up not going through with them anyway. Could've saved her from the heartbreak.”
Another pause. This time, shorter in between.
“Piece of advice lang from a concerned friend. Pero sana di kayo umabot sa punto na sisisihin mo ang sarili mo dahil nawalan ka ng kaibigan na handang bitawan lang lahat isang tawag mo lang.”
With that, Gwen ended the call, leaving Jhoanna stunned and totally out of it.
Jhoanna was on her feet in an instant, frantically searching her closet for a change of clothes and putting them on. She doesn’t even bother with making herself look presentable as she sprinted out of her apartment unit, running the few blocks to where Maloi’s was.
“You look like shit,” was Mikha’s greeting for her as she slid into the booth across from Jhoanna.
Honestly, Jhoanna couldn’t be bothered anymore as she downs another glass of vodka – she’s lost count after the fourth one. She’s heartbroken, and she’s alone. And she has no one else to blame but herself.
She sighs as she thinks about Aiah, the love of her life, the one she wanted to marry. She still can’t believe that Aiah rejected her proposal. All this time she thought that the older woman wanted the same thing as her.
They haven’t broken up, but it already feels like they did. Jhoanna couldn’t really take the pain of rejection quite well and she’s been avoiding her girlfriend for the past few days since the failed proposal. She didn’t have Maloi by her side to kick some sense, both literally and figuratively, into her thick skull anymore. Her best friend has finally had it with her and ended their eight-year-long friendship months ago.
Jhoanna has been missing Maloi ever since.
“Stop drinking your sorrows away, Romeo. Maloi would be very disappointed in you right now if she sees you like this,” Mikha tells her, and at that, Jhoanna had to scoff.
“Lol. She isn’t here and she wouldn’t be here. She ended our friendship, remember? Tinapos na niya yung pagkakaibigan namin diba. So, fuck you for even mentioning her name,” Jhoanna says, foregoing the glass and just drinking straight from the bottle.
Mikha could only shake her head at her.
“You really are a stubborn little shit, aren’t you?” someone says from behind Jhoanna, who instantly freezes at the sound. She’d recognize that voice anywhere, even in her drunken state.
“How many times do I fucking have to tell you that drinking is bad for your liver?”
Mikha and Maloi teamed up to carry Jhoanna back to her apartment because she was too drunk to walk on her own two feet. They helped her into her bed and Mikha proceeded to take off her shoes while Maloi took off to fetch some aspirin and a glass of water and some change of clothes for her.
Mikha bid them goodbye soon enough, worried that her wife wouldn’t be able to handle taking care of their four-month-old twins on her own.
Maloi walks her to the door, and Jhoanna was left alone in her room, sprawled out on her bed, her bleary eyes staring up at her ceiling as she tried to convince her drunk self that Maloi really was there. It felt like ages had passed when Maloi came back into her room carrying a small basin of lukewarm water with a towel draped over her shoulder.
Without a word, Maloi set off to take care of Jhoanna like she always did before their fallout. She gave Jhoanna a sponge bath, made her take some meds to prevent a hangover the next day and proceeded to change Jhoanna’s clothes for her. Once she was done, she put away everything that was used before telling the younger woman that she’s going to leave.
She hasn’t even taken a step yet when Jhoanna takes a hold of her wrist, trapping her arm in her tight grip. Maloi holds Jhoanna’s hand, trying to pry it off, but the latter wouldn’t budge. Instead, Maloi finds herself falling on top of Jhoanna when the latter pulls her down hard.
Maloi tries to stand back up, finding this close proximity rather suffocating, but Jhoanna loops her arms around her waist, locking her in place. Her heart beats painfully fast as her senses are invaded by the smell of alcohol and something that is uniquely Jhoanna. She finds herself getting drunk in the scent.
“Jho, bitaw na. Please, just . . . Just let go of me already,” Maloi pleads, her voice desperate, begging. Like there was some hidden meaning behind her words.
Jhoanna doesn’t hear her though, as her ears only hear the painful beating of her own heart. She’s glad that Maloi is here, that the older woman is still taking care of her despite everything that she’s done to her.
But Jhoanna’s heart is still in pieces, longing for someone currently out of reach. Like Maloi, she’s feeling desperate right now. She’s desperate to rid herself of the pain. She’s desperate for some comfort, for some assurance that she’s loved, that someone loves her despite the rejection she has just faced.
Without any warning, Jhoanna leans up, capturing Maloi’s lips in a desperate kiss. The latter freezes at first then she’s trying so hard to wriggle out of Jhoanna’s hold. She has been dreaming about how it would feel like to be kissed by Jhoanna, but not like this.
Not when the other woman was dead drunk and was most probably not aware of what she was doing.
Not when she’s certain that Jhoanna would regret everything the following morning.
Maloi was finally able to pull away after multiple failed attempts, but Jhoanna was still holding onto her like a vice grip. No matter how much she struggled, the latter just refused to let her go.
“Jho. Please naman. Awat na. Bitawan mo na ako. Parang awa mo na.”
“Loi. Please. I know you hate my guts right now. Pero kailangan kita. I desperately need you right now,” Jhoanna practically all but begs.
When Jhoanna buried her face against the crook of Maloi's neck, the latter could only let out an anguished sigh as she wrapped her arms around her former best friend.
She knows she's being stupid and weak right at that moment, but she chooses to just throw caution to the wind one last time.
Because for Jhoanna, Maloi would always willingly bleed herself dry.
Maloi used to love Jhoanna the most.
Maloi was the person who loved Jhoanna the most, cared for Jhoanna the most, and hurt because of Jhoanna the most.
She loved Jhoanna despite the fact that it was painfully obvious that it was Aiah who the latter was the one in love with.
Maloi has always been there for Jhoanna to make her smile, to cheer her up, and to wipe her tears away. It was obvious that the older woman was so in love with Jhoanna even though she never said a single thing about it.
So, it came as a surprise to everyone when, after work brought her away for two years, Maloi returned to Manila with a fiancée in tow. And now, looking straight into Maloi's eyes which used to be filled with nothing but love and adoration for her, Jhoanna feels like her breath has just been knocked from her lungs.
Maloi now looks at her like how she would any other friend of hers. And Jhoanna's heart sinks when she realizes just how late she is.
“Hey,” Maloi greets her with a smile.
Jhoanna doesn’t answer, cannot answer, because there’s suddenly a lump forming in her throat as she stares at Maloi’s beautiful face. Two years. She spent two long years not having Maloi by her side. And looking at her now, Jhoanna couldn't help but think how the older woman still as beautiful as the first time she laid eyes on her.
Her mind takes her back to the night she last saw her former best friend, the night she begged Maloi to stay despite the latter begging her to let go. She woke up alone in bed the morning after, with not a single note in sight.
Imagine her surprise when, a couple of hours later, she finds out from one of Maloi’s office friends that the latter has flown to the US that same day.
“Maloi was offered that position months ago but she always refused, like there was something holding her back. But she called our boss at around 5 AM today, finally accepting the position. She asked that she leave as soon as possible. I heard she just boarded the plane around thirty minutes ago.”
Jhoanna remembers feeling lost that day, like her soul has just been ripped in half. She was so confused and so lost because she didn’t understand why she was feeling that way.
Yes, Maloi had been her best friend for the past almost ten years of her life. But Aiah was the person she was in love with, the one she wanted to marry. So why in hell did she feel more devastated at the thought of losing Maloi for real instead of Aiah’s rejection?
“Jho?” Maloi called, snapping Jhoanna back to reality.
She looks into the other woman's eyes, seeing the same sparkle in them from all those years ago. Something she once took away.
“I’m sorry. I just . . . I missed you so much,” Jhoanna says shakily, and Maloi’s eyes disappear into crescents as a smile takes over her features.
“Namiss din kita, Jho. I’m glad you agreed to meet with me today. I have so much to tell you and to apologize for. I’m sorry for leaving without telling you. How have you been? How’s Aiah? Kayo pa din naman diba? Nagkabati pa din naman kayo diba? Like how you two always would.”
“I . . .” Jhoanna trails off, getting lost down memory lane again.
“Jhoanna?”
“I’m sorry I’m so out of it today,” Jhoanna says as she shakes her head, trying to shake away all the negative feelings slowly creeping into her heart.
“I . . . Aiah and I ended things between the two of us about three months after you left. It was just . . . We were just not working out anymore.”
“What?! Hala, bakit naman? You two were so in love, everyone believed that you’d end up together.”
“I . . . I was the problem. I was the one who decided to end everything.”
“But . . . why?”
Jhoanna had to gulp down the lump that formed in her throat a couple of times as her gaze flitted about the café they were in. Her hands were getting clammy and she was getting cold sweats as she weighed the pros and cons of telling Maloi the truth. She spent the past almost two years drowning in regret once she realized why things weren’t working out with her and Aiah after Maloi had left.
She hated herself for not realizing sooner why Aiah seemed to have always minded when she spent an ample amount of time with Maloi. She beat herself over and over again at the fact that she wasn’t able to see what Aiah did, what everyone else did. She was so, so stupid to not have realized how she felt about Maloi sooner.
“I . . . Kasi I realized I was in love with you.”
The smile on Maloi’s lips slowly dissolved, her lips now setting in a firm line as her gaze on Jhoanna hardened. The latter could see the guarded look in her eyes, and the way Maloi took in a sharp inhale when the words slipped past her lips. Jhoanna’s heartbeat picked up its pace as fear and anxiety crept inside her chest.
“No.”
Jhoanna stared at Maloi, at her clenched jaws and sad eyes. She knows the older woman is happy now, hell she’s getting married in a couple of weeks. She knows that she’s being selfish, but she really needed Maloi to know how she felt. The other woman might find it hard to believe, but at least Jhoanna has finally told Maloi her feelings after two long years.
“You’re not in love with me Jhoanna. You can tell me you love me, and I’d have no trouble believing that. But being in love with me? That’s . . . Nasanay ka lang kasi na palagi akong nandyan para sayo. You've just been used to having my attention and affection solely focused on you. You’re not in love with me Jhoanna. You can’t be in love with me.”
Jhoanna’s gaze snaps up to Maloi’s face when the latter chokes on her words, and she’s out of her seat in an instant to slide in beside the latter when she sees the tears flowing down her cheeks.
She gently cups Maloi’s cheeks in her hands, thumbs brushing against smooth pale skin to wipe away the tears that she herself caused.
Maloi’s hands land over her own as she continued to shed tears, and Jhoanna leans her head down to rest their foreheads against each other.
It took quite a while before the older woman finally stopped crying, and Jhoanna was thankful that their booth was quite secluded from prying eyes. Maloi pulls back, but she keeps her hold on Jhoanna’s hands.
“I’m so sorry Jho. I love you, I still do. May parte ng puso at buhay ko na naklaan para lang sayi. But I have Stacey now, and I love her so, so much. I hope you understand.”
Maloi pauses and gives her a soft smile. And somehow, Jhoanna feels her heart break even further inside her chest.
“Sometimes, there are just things in life that we could never have no matter how much we want to. For our case, it’s each other. We can’t force things when it’s basically the whole universe telling us we can’t be together. I hope, when the wounds we’ve inflicted on each other’s hearts have finally healed, that we could be friends again. Sa ngayon, I think it's best for us to say goodbye.”
With that, Maloi leans forward to plant a lingering kiss on Jhoanna’s cheek.
Jhoanna’s eyes close, savoring the moment, the feeling of Maloi’s lips against her skin, the feeling of having Maloi this close to her. She doesn’t know when she’d get the chance to be this close to her again.
A lone tear rolls down her cheek as Maloi pulls away, excuses herself out of the booth, and walks away from Jhoanna’s life for the third, and most probably last, time.