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They’re both back here again.
Back amidst the wine and the uncomfortable feelings that always seem to linger with them no matter what.
Whatever heartless Aeon decided that they should’ve met that fateful day must be having their fill of sadistic enjoyment.
As another cup of bittersweet liquor is downed, Jing Yuan chooses to make conversation.
”Where are you off to next, Luocha?”
Luocha turns the question over in his mind, thoughtfully figuring the best way to answer.
Finally, as he pours himself another cup, he speaks. “Most likely to the Yaoqing. Why? Is the General going to miss me?”
The comment was meant to be made in jest, but there’s an underlying truth that neither man wants to accept.
Instead, Jing Yuan just smiles. “Simple curiosity, that’s all.”
He then places his cup down, “Though, I do wonder what it’s like.”
”Hm?”
”Being able to go so freely through the cosmos. To experience new people and cultures.”
Luocha’s hand pauses with the wine midway to his mouth.
He’d never really thought about it before, but he supposes that to someone like Jing Yuan, who will always be crudely tied to the position of “General”, it was something wonderful.
“…It’s quite the experience. However it does get dull from time to time.”
Jing Yuan tilts his head at that, “Really now? I find that hard to imagine.”
Luocha only shrugs, “From your perspective, perhaps.”
They fall into silence again. A delicate yet heavy one.
“Do you feel just as wistful as I do when you leave the Luofu?”
The blond glances up from his drink to see the way a faint flush dusts Jing Yuan’s cheeks. A clear indication of his intoxication.
”You’re drunk,” he deflects.
”And you didn’t answer my question.”
Luocha all but sighs. He hates how pushy this man can get.
“If you stop drinking, I’ll answer it,” he finally offers.
Jing Yuan gives a slight pout, but ultimately sets his drink down.
”I’m holding up my end, now it’s time for you.”
Luocha bites the inside of his cheek. Curse Jing Yuan for asking such a… personal question.
He knows he could just lie, say no and move on.
But when he opens his mouth to respond, his answer isn’t the one he wanted.
“…Perhaps.”
Jing Yuan exhales, and Luocha internally berates himself for giving such an answer.
“You have the freedom to go wherever you want,” Jing Yuan says quietly, his voice still light, but there’s something else there. “And I’m stuck here, waiting and wondering if the next person I bed will make me feel as you do.”
Luocha chooses the ignore the pang of jealousy that shoots through him. How can he be jealous over someone he doesn’t even love?
”And do they?”
The General barks out an uncharacteristically sharp laugh, “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t slept with anyone since you.”
Luocha’s silence acts as a sign for him to continue.
”But… perhaps one day I should move on?”
”Well, it isn’t as though I will be here forever,” Luocha replies carefully.”
Jing Yuan chuckles, “Neither of us will, no?”
Ah, the thought that plagues Luocha constantly. The idea that one day, the very essence of himself will be scattered to the wind.
Luocha quickly forces down his entire cup, wanting to stall for just a bit more time.
Alcohol clouds many people’s inhibitions.
”Sometimes… I’m afraid of death,” Luocha admits reproachfully.
Jing Yuan hums in acknowledgment. “I’m surprised. I didn’t think you of all people would be.”
The merchant sighs, “I’m afraid because… what if in the next life I’m born a terrible person?”
The other’s eyes widen just a fraction, and Luocha instantly regrets speaking. His judgement has been weakened by liquor and the late night sky that’s visible through the window.
”Well, none of us have control over who we will be in the next life. And after all, what constitutes a bad person?” He muses. “Are people born evil? Or is it something in their life that makes it so?”
Luocha can’t answer that. And he doesn’t think he wants to.
Logically, it’s a ridiculous fear. Who cares so much about the person they’ll be in the next life when their current one isn’t over?
Yet he’s still scared.
”If you’d like my opinion, I think we all die at least once in our life.” Jing Yuan rests his head on a fist, golden eyes observing Luocha carefully.
Luocha raised a brow, “I don’t quite follow, General.”
The other sits up straight.“Think of it this way,” he offers. “As a child, you carry naive hopes and dreams. But as you age, some of those dreams can shrivel. It’s the death of a self.”
”Death of a self, huh?” Luocha ponders the concept. It doesn’t seem too far fetched, but it still doesn’t ease all of his fears.
”Did you know, Luocha, that I had wanted to become a Galaxy Ranger once?”
Luocha blinked once, then twice. It’s a bit of a surprise, hearing Jing Yuan speak of dreams that had seemingly been crushed long ago.
“Did you now?”
“Mmn. But I hadn’t thought of that idea for so long.”
The blond exhales softly, staring down into his empty cup. There were still a few drops of wine left at the bottom.
Such a shame to waste.
”…I’m curious, General. Why are you sharing these things with me?”
Jing Yuan offers a smile, but it feels more like an empty expression. “Because I’d like to… form a deeper bond perhaps.”
He clenches his jaw, suddenly feeling like the room is much too small.
”You could sleep with other people, or even fall in love with someone else.” He gives a tired huff, “But you’ll always be mine.”
“What a bold claim,” Luocha accuses.
Jing Yuan’s fingers fiddle with his own cup. “What, so you wouldn’t care if I found someone else?” he asks, like it’s some sort of challenge. “It wouldn’t matter to you if I brought another into my bed? If I kissed them and said I loved them?”
The merchant huffs. “No,” he answers, “Because you would be lying.”
Jing Yuan’s eyes widen just slightly, and his smile fades before something equivalent to longing appears. “I would be, wouldn’t I?”
The General gives a long suffering sigh, “I could never love anyone like I love you.”
“…I don’t treat you as well as you want me to,” Luocha’s voice sounds horrifyingly pleading.
Jing Yuan smiles, “No. I suppose you don’t.” He then takes a deep breath. Luocha watches as the older man’s chest rises and falls with the action.
”And yet… you’re the only one who has felt like home to me in a long time. Why is that?”
Luocha hates feeling like this. He can’t pinpoint exactly what, but either way it sickens him. He should just check himself into some hospital just to see if it’ll make him feel any better.
He hears Jing Yuan huff out a laugh, “Oh míngqín, don’t look at me like that.”
He grits his teeth, ignoring the petname, “Like what?”
“Like you’d rather go to the deepest, darkest pits of Hell than spend a second longer with me.”
Aeons, it’s so exhausting missing someone whom you’ve never met. Someone you’ve never gotten to really see the entirety of. Someone you’re still scared to talk about something as ridiculous as feelings to.
“And you need to stop looking at me like you actually love me,” Luocha lashes out suddenly. And he doesn’t even know where that came from, because he’s always managed to keep his calm.
But perhaps the exhaustion is getting to him.
Jing Yuan doesn’t flinch, instead his eyes soften considerably. “But I do.”
Luocha glares at him, but it’s negated by the traitorous drunken flush that had spread across his cheeks a long time ago.
After all, they’re both under the influence. They can’t possibly mean what they say.
Jing Yuan’s hand travels a little farther across the table, like he’s trying to reach out. “Please, Luocha.”
Please what?
Love him the same? Fix himself for the sake of… whatever they have?
Luocha can’t.
He can’t because he’s a selfish, jealous, horrible person underneath.
And maybe he doesn’t have to worry about being terrible in his next life, because perhaps he’ll get to redeem himself then.
He just stares dumbly into his wine cup, trying to focus on figuring out the exact color of it instead of this situation.
Clear with a creamish tinge. Or is it simply an off-white?
He can hear the way the fabric of Jing Yuan’s robe shuffles as he shifts.
Why did love need to feel so terrible?
”…Apologies. I must have been pressuring you. Take as long as you’d like,” the General soothes. “I’d wait another two thousand years if needed.”
Two thousand years still seems too short, Luocha thinks.
”…I should be leaving now, General. It’s already very late.”
Jing Yuan furrows his brows, “You can’t possibly insist leaving at this hour.”
The merchant stands up swiftly, “I am. Goodnight.”
Seemingly understanding that he cannot win this argument, Jing Yuan relents. “Alright. Goodnight, Luocha.”
That night, Luocha leaves the General’s estate feeling like he’ll never be the person that anyone would want him to be.