Archive of Our Own ^beta

For a long time, the only thing Baekjin could register was the sound of the rain. 

Just, drip-drop, drip-drop, drip-drop, over and over again. He counted the drops in his head until he couldn’t hear them anymore over the rush of blood. 

He had a lot of time to think after the fight.

As he laid on the ground he had thought about Humin, his smile, his laugh, the way his face lit up when he was happy. All things that Baekjin could no longer bring out in him. He had always thought that Humin deserved everything good that the world had to offer. Everything Baekjin could never be. 

Lying on the soaked ground drained from the fight he thought about so many things. Their friendship, their childhood, their last words to each other, and all the ways that he had ruined them. 

At no point though, did he ever expect anyone to go back for him. Least of all Humin, because Baekjin had driven away everyone who could possibly care about him. 

That’s what he thought at least.  

Out of seemingly nowhere, somewhere in the background, he heard footsteps. The soft crunch of the wet gravel below him resounded in his ears, but he couldn’t see anyone. He had no strength to get up, he was tired, everything hurt, and whoever was there most likely wasn’t there for him anyway. So why should he try to see who it was?

He was just starting to slip into unconsciousness when he felt something— someone move him. Careful hands picked at his legs and the back of his shoulders, and before he knew it he was being carried.

Baekjin tried to open his eyes multiple times as he felt himself jolted from the movement of whoever was carrying him. Still, his body wasn’t listening to his brain anymore, and any command he made to try and see who was there was only met with resistance.

When he woke up he was still being carried so he had to assume that he hadn’t been gone for that long. Logically, Baekjin knows that he should be scared, that he should be questioning who it was that went back for him. Yet, for some reason, he felt safe. The arms that were carrying him were holding him with so much tenderness he swore he was imagining it. 

The touch was so distinct—so familiar, that he didn’t bother with questioning it. 

When he was finally able to open his eyes he was convinced he was hallucinating. Absolutely certain that the fight and that final blow had definitely done some lasting damage to his brain. Maybe he had a concussion and his mangled mind had conjured up the sweetest and most cruel image to torture him? Because the face he saw when he looked up was none other than Park Humin. 

His Humin. 

Tall, strong, beautiful, hurt, and bruised— just as Baekjin remembered him. Carrying him without so much as a glance down. He couldn’t believe it, couldn’t bring himself to trust his twisted mind.

It was too good to be true, it was something that Baekjin had lost the privilege to even dream of. He tried not to stare. He tried to look away, but he just couldn’t. If this was a dream or a hallucination then he was going to enjoy as much as he possibly could, until his mind grew too tired and he slipped into nothingness again. 

The first thing he had felt when he woke up was the stinging behind his eyes and the ache in his shoulder and leg. He wasn’t sure how long he had been out, probably a long time, since his injuries had started to feel more like an ache than a stab. Finally, when he took a look at his surroundings and realized just where he was, he realized none of it had been a dream or a hallucination. 

Humin really had gone back to get him.

Even after everything he had done to the other boy, to his friends, to his family, he still went back for him. Carried him all the way back to his house and nursed him back to health—or as close as he could get after the fight, for who knows how long.

Baekjin knew he wasn’t a good person—had never really tried to delude himself into thinking otherwise. So he knew that he had done nothing to deserve this. Maybe—probably, it was just Humin being his usual all-too-caring self. He can already imagine him lying in his room after the fight and not being able to rest because he knew someone was hurt. So he knew that he shouldn’t take the gesture as something personal, not when he had done nothing to warrant it.

For years he had tormented, threatened, hurt, and done things that most couldn’t even imagine. And he had done it to so many innocent people, all for selfish reasons. 

How could he ever atone for that?

Honestly, Baekjin didn’t think he could.

And yet, for some reason, Humin did. He had to, right? If he had gone back to get him it had to be because he thought Baekjin could change. For some reason, the other boy had returned to his side and trusted that Baekjin would do the right thing. 

So Baekjin knew from that day on that he had to at least try. 

For some time, Baekjin really had thought that everything would be fine again. That he had managed to get Humin back. 

When Baekjin was healed enough he tried to leave, telling Humin that he didn’t have to worry about him anymore, that it wasn’t like he was going to die. Humin just looked at him, a weird shadow falling over his face, and told him to stay. Baekjin isn’t really sure how Humin was able to convince his dad, but in the end Baekjin ended up staying for their last year of high school. It was… awkward at first. Well more than awkward, but Baekjin couldn’t really blame anyone else but himself, and it didn’t really matter because at least he still had Humin by his side. 

After high school when they went to the same university. Baekjin could have gone to a different school, could have gone somewhere far away to put everything that had happened behind him. But, when Humin asked him to move in with him he just couldn’t say no. 

Maybe it was a foolish thought but the more they  spent time together, the more Humin looked at him and he smiled up at Baekjin. He thought they were happy. He thought they had something thatbhe could finally keep. 

But, if Baekjin is familiar with one thing in life, it’s that good things don't last forever. And Park Humin was the best thing that had ever existed in Baekjin's shitty life. And at some point a couple of weeks ago, Humin had started to act weird. He was withdrawn, quieter, less touchy, and had this look in his face that Baekjin could only describe as guilt. Knowing all of that, he was sure that eventually the other boy would leave.

He had to.

Because the person whom Humin had taken care of, the person who for weeks had tried to be better, the person that Baekjin was now was a version of him that they both knew wasn’t real. 

It had just been a matter of time before Humin realized it again.

Even if Baekjin spent the rest of his life trying to be better, he knows that Humin longs for something that Baekjin can't give him. He’s not the same as Humin or the rest of his friends, he’s not kind and caring and he doesn’t let go of things easily. So yes, he could spend their entire lives pretending to be good and trying to do the right thing, but that's just not who Baekjin is, it’s only a matter of time before they finally admit it. 

Baekjin knows that Humin’s friends don’t agree with their friendship. He also knows that the lack of trust is his own fault, so he can’t really be mad at their warnings. More than once he has walked into them warning Humin about being honest with his feelings for Baekjin. Just as he heard Humin tell them he was happy with how things are now. 

But it was a lie. 

They all knew it too. Humin, his friends, even Baekjin could tell. He saw it in the way the other boys' brows furrowed as he spoke, the small tilt of his lips after he had said the words. 

It’s something that terrifies him.

Just the thought that one day Humin will wake up and finally realize that there is no saving Baekjin, that there is no coming back from everything that he did, everything that he is. And because of that, he will leave Baekjin behind once again. The worst part is that all of it will be a result of Baekjin’s actions. 

But knowing that it’s his fault doesn’t take away the fear he feels of being left alone again. 

Those thoughts constantly plagued his mind, they taunted him all day, leaving behind whispered what-ifs. He thought about it even when Humin was by his side, even when he laughed and threw his arm around Baekjin’s shoulder, or when he looked at him and smiled so softly it stole the wind from Baekjin's lungs leaving him breathless. Because at the end of the day, he knew that Humin would never be his to keep, even when Baekjin had always been Humin’s. He can't help but to be his, even when he knows they are destined to fall apart.

For the last few weeks, Baekjin had felt on edge every day. He still did his normal routines, he went to his classes, studied, cooked, cleaned, and went to bed. All while constantly waiting for the day when everything would be over. 

Maybe he shouldn’t think about that, maybe he should just be happy with what he has, and enjoy it for as long as it lasts. 

But he can't stop thinking about Humin leaving. He can’t take it out of his mind that one day—soon— Humin will grow tired of playing house with him for so long, and he’ll leave. Just like he was always meant to. It’s just a matter of when that will happen, when he will finally come to his senses and leave him without a second thought. 

He had already done it once.

Back then it had also been Baekjin's fault, but he had thought that maybe it would be different now. He had truly believed for some time after the fight that he could keep Humin in his life, even if never in the way he wanted. Having him in any way, shape, or form was better than not having him at all. That was when Baekjin knew that, despite trying to do better, he had lost him again. 

Baekjin just wasn't sure how he could be good enough. He had tried — really, he had — but he can’t give any more than what he is, just as Humin can’t give him what he wants. 

Baekjin has tried to be good for Humin, but he can only hold on to something that isn’t his for so long. Even when this was all he ever wanted. It was just unavoidable. One day, Humin is going to go and take all his warmth, all his answers, and leave holding whatever is left of Baekjin's heart with him. 

There were days when Humin was so silent and cold, days when no matter how close they were physically, Baekjin could never seem to reach him. It hurt, even when he went on pretending that it didn’t. 

A part of Baekjin desperately wanted to beg, to plead— stay please, just stay, even if it’s for just a little longer, even if you eventually leave, let me keep you for a little longer. But it hardly mattered, because Baekjin wasn’t one to break away from his pride, wasn’t one to plead or beg for something he knew he couldn’t have. And even if he could push his pride down long enough to beg Humin to stay, he knows he shouldn’t. He has made the mistake of trying to keep him before, and he won't make it again. 

So he stays silent. 

Allows himself the momentary luxury of observing Humin, even if it also means watching how much he drifts away. It shouldn’t hurt so much, he knows it shouldn’t, not when he always knew that it would lead back to this. He was never supposed to be foolish enough to believe that Humin would stay even if he left the Union. And now, or whenever Humin decided to both end his torment and destroy him whole, he was going to be left completely alone, devoid of everyone who could have ever cared about him.

And he deserves it, he knows he does.

There are just some things that you can't come back from, and Baekjin has done too many of those. 

Every time he hurt someone — every time he tormented a person in Humin’s life for no other reason than the fact that they were allowed to share his space while Baekjin was not, every time he forcefully tried to insert himself into Humin’s life, only to hurt him more, every time he hurt the people around them just because he couldn’t get his way—it only served to seal his fate even more. Baekjin had gone after Humin’s friends, his family, he didn’t deserve his warmth after that. The day that Humin would see all of that had finally come.

But then, where does that leave Baekjin? What is he supposed to do after getting Humin back, only to lose him all over again? 

He would be completely alone, but this time with no one to bring him out. The thought tormented him for weeks as he watched Humin drift away again. He tried not to let it show, but it didn’t work. Of course it didn’t, because for every ounce of knowledge that he had about Park Humin, Humin had the same amount about him. 

The apartment they had gotten wasn’t very big—two bedrooms across from each other, a small bathroom next to his room, the kitchen, and the living room. Both rooms could barely hold all of their furniture even so Humin was somehow able to fit everything he had taken.  Around a week after they had first moved in, Humin had surprised him with a bookshelf he built in their living room, and a set of shelves above his desk where he could keep all of the books that had previously sat in stacks on top of his desk. 

His room was fairly plain since he had never gotten used to decorating his space. First when he was in the orphanage because he had to share his space with so many other boys, then in the union because he didn’t feel comfortable keeping anything personal around, and last in Humin’s house because he was still too afraid to take up too much space. So the only things that occupied his room was just a small desk in the corner with all his things, and his neatly made bed on the other side. The only things that could be seen as decorations were the dozens of small figures that lined his top shelf; he wasn’t sure what they were called, but he liked them. Although, that was most likely because they had been gifts from Humin.

Baekjin can’t remember exactly when or how it had started, but sometime after they both graduated from high school Humin had gotten into the habit of bringing him blind boxes full of little green figures. By now he had so many that they had practically taken up a mini village in his bookshelf. Maybe, when he moves out he’ll make a shelf specifically for them. 

There wasn’t much sunlight in the room anymore. The dozens of neatly placed books sat on his desk unopened in a small row next to each other. For hours Baekjin had tried to study, but there was something eerie and silent in their apartment that made it difficult for him to concentrate. 

He just kept looking at the figures, at the empty places of his room, and thought over and over if maybe he has been too scared to occupy this place. Too scared that if he took his time and made this place feel like home — anything apart from the presence of the other boy — it would be that much harder to leave when he was asked to. 

Suddenly he hears a small knock, something out of the ordinary. Typically the only people who visited him were either Baku or Seongje, and neither of them were big on knocking—especially not like that. He was a bit weary of the sound, but still, he got up and walked to the door on the other side of the room. 

When he opened it, there in front of him was Baku, eyes cast downward, hands in his pocket, and his mouth pressed into a small frown.

Baekjin fully opened the door, “Come in,” he whispered as he stepped aside to make room for Humin to come inside. 

Immediately Baekjin knew what this was.

He couldn’t call it a break-up—they had never been together that way, but it was the only word that came to mind. The only word that somewhat encapsulated what it is that he felt about Humin leaving again. That had to be it right? He came in here to tell Baekjin that things hadn’t worked out, there was no other explanation for his demeanor. At least this time they would get a proper goodbye. 

Once inside, Humin took a seat on the edge of Baekjin’s bed. “Hey, um…” the other boy broke off, clearly unsure of how to deliver his lines. 

Maybe he felt bad? 

Maybe he knew how much his next words would hurt Baekjin. He can't help but feel bitter at the thought, and he knows it’s selfish but he’s a little glad that at least Humin knew — even if it didn’t stop him from leaving — he knew how much it would hurt Bakejin, and clearly he was struggling to follow through. 

Humin sighed before speaking again. “Do you have time to talk?” He looked nervous, his hands were fidgeting and his leg was bouncing up and down. The sight made Baekjin feel guilty all over. Has he really been so bad that Humin is nervous to speak to him over something they both knew was going to happen? But he knows the answer to that. He wanted to say no, to be selfish and keep Humin for a little longer, even if he knew it would only prolong the inevitable. But just one look at Humin again had him simply saying “Yes”, before walking over and sitting on his chair again. 

Baekjin could already feel all the fight and energy leave his body. He knew where this was going, always had. So there was no reason to put up a fight. For once he would accept whatever Humin decided. Even if he really had tried to be better. 

“I’m not sure how to start.” Humin chuckled, a small smile tugging on his lips.

Baekjin felt his heart squeeze. 

This was unfair, so unfair, even if he had seen it coming, even if he did deserve it. 

He took a small breath to steady himself, “You can tell me whatever you want, always”. He tried to smile at him, but he could feel the way his face twisted into more of a grimace. 

That earned him another nervous smile from the other boy before he said, “I… well, I’ve been talking with our friends”. 

Our friends. The words made his chest feel warm. Humin always insisted on calling them that, even when they all knew that the only reason his friends tolerated Baekjin was simply because of their love for Humin, and of course Baekjin couldn’t blame them. 

“They think, or they convinced me? I’m not sure…” he broke off. “They say I should be honest with you, that you would prefer that?” Humin looked at him, something equally unrecognizable yet so familiar in his eyes. The look makes something inside him twist, and so Baekjin decided to be kind, something he had never quite figured out before until it was far too late. But he could do this, for both of them. Spare himself from hearing the words and spare Humin from carrying the burden of saying them. “I know what this is about, you don’t have to say it,” Baekjin whispered, voice shaky and thick with emotion. 

Humin let out a small sigh and let his shoulders slump, “You do?” The relief was strong and clear in his voice. 

“Of course, I've always known.” 

Humin's face twisted with confusion, “You… you have?”

Baekjin tried to give him a reassuring smile, something that could convey how he didn’t hold this against the other boy. “Yeah, so don't worry about it, you don't have to say it”. 

“Um… right,” he said cautiously. “Why do I feel like we aren’t talking about the same thing?” He was staring at Baekjin with wide eyes, and for a moment it made Baekjin forget what was happening, it was far too easy getting lost in his gaze. 

This really shouldn’t be so hard, they are adults now. Sure, maybe at some point in their lives, they could have blamed their bad and awkward communication on a lack of experience, but not anymore. Not after so long of loving together and being friends again, not after the countless nights they stayed up studying next to each other. By now they should be more than mature enough to finish this off cleanly. 

“Look, I know what you came for, okay?” he tried to bury down his feelings, even as he felt his throat burning with every word. “I understand, okay? You don't have to feel bad.”

“I don’t? Or well... I did, but not anymore?” Humin said, brows completely furrowed in confusion. “Like I said, our friends made me realize how I felt, and that it was okay. Sure, I feel bad about leading you on, but it was never to make you feel bad or unhappy!”. He rambles on, his voice gaining volume and clearly panicked about how his words would land. 

Over the last few months Baekjin had grown to be fond of Humin's friends, he really had. But he can’t stop the bitter feeling he has when he thinks about them advising Humin on how to leave him behind, about all of them hanging out and talking with Baekjin as if nothing was wrong when they knew what Humin was feeling—what he was planning. Even if Baekjin did deserve it, it just seemed cruel. Especially because it didn’t seem in character with most of the boys, although maybe their allegiance to Humin pushed them to that. 

“Yeah, I know,” he couldn’t stop the way the words came out short and bitter. “I get it, okay? I know what I’m like, I haven’t changed enough despite—”

“Wait, what? No, I do think you've changed!” Humin blurts out, eyes round and wide with confusion? Surprise? Baekjin isn’t sure.

“What?”

Humin looks at him for a second, “You know, from how you were before.” he says, something strange in his voice. 

Baekjin scoffs, “You don't believe that.”

Why would he? If Baekjin can’t even believe in himself, in his ability to change, then how could Humin, who had borne witness to all of the cruel things that Baekjin was capable of?

“Of course I do.” Humin said, tilting his head slightly.

Baekjin doesn’t know how to respond to that. He doesn’t really get why Humin is trying to fix things or make them better. But, if Humin was going to choose to keep pretending, Baekjin wouldn’t. 

“I ruined Hyuntak's life.” Despite the regret and guilt at his actions the words come out cold, stony, unwavering.

Humin looks down, “Eh, yeah…” he stutters out, clearly uncomfortable. “I can't absolve you from that, or forgive you, that’s all up to Gogo.” he takes a deep breath. “But, I can believe in you—I do believe in you, because you regret what happened, not just because you want me around but because you actually regret it, because you are actively trying to make amends for all those other things you did, and I think you deserve a second chance.” the words come out sincere and soft, like Humin trying to stop something from hurting Baekjin. 

Baekjin’s eyebrows furrowed, “Really?”

“Yeah, for what it’s worth,” he smiles at Baekjin, tilting his head to the side, “I forgive you”.

It’s not something that he can believe or understand. If Humin forgave him, if he truly believed that Baekjin had changed, that he deserved a second chance, then why was he so distant? Why had he been acting so cold? And why had he even come here to talk about something when his intentions weren’t to break things off? None of this makes sense. 

Baekjin takes a brief minute to look out the window. He had drawn up the curtains earlier while he was studying, but now it was dark, the small amount of light that filtered through being only from a few street lights that illuminated the sidewalks. 

Baekjin looks back at Humin, “How?” He breathes out. 

Humin tilts his head again, his lips twist into — what Baekjin can recognize as — a sad smile, “I know who you are, Na Baekjin, that was always the problem.” he sighs, and reaches out to brush a strand of hair from Baekjin’s face. 

The touch feels almost like it burned him, “How so?” Baekjin says, unable to keep the confusion out of his voice. 

“Because I knew how much better you could be,” the other boy sighs again, retreating his hand and using it to push his own hair back. “It burned to see what you were doing, how you were wasting all the good you could do, all the good you have”.

He looks down, no longer able to keep eye contact when Humin looked at him with so much confidence, “I don't think I have any.” 

“Of course you do.” Humin responds. 

“Why do you think that?”

Baekjin knows he shouldn’t push, that he’s only hurting his chances of getting to keep Humin by making him realize he really has no saving. But he’s just so curious about what reasoning Humin could possibly come up with, that he just can’t stay quiet. 

“Hmm, you could have gone after him, when Sieun went back on his promise. I know you know that, even if you pretend not to.”

Not exactly what he was expecting to hear. Baekjin honestly hadn’t thought about it before. Even back then, he didn’t think there was a reason to do anything when Sieun would just go back. 

He closes his eyes. Maybe he should take this as a win and just let the conversation go, even if it meant having to have it again some other day. Baekjin hopes that by then they will both just accept how things end and let the conversation go more easily. But, not today. “So I spared someone from something that I threatened to do for no reason? Wow, I'm such a great person.” his words come out dripping with sarcasm. 

Humin rolls his eyes, “No, I just… I think that if you really were only bad, the way you seem to think you are, then you would have followed through regardless of how pointless it was.” he finishes off with a shrug. 

That's surprising, even if Baekjin doesn’t fully believe it — he really wants to. “You still think there’s good in me? Honestly, I thought you were getting ready to let go again.”

Humin’s eyebrows furrowed, “Why?” The word comes out startled. 

“I could feel it.” Baekjin shrugs. “At least I thought so.”

“How?” Humin asks.

Baekjin knows the other boy is stubborn, but this just seems so unnecessary, it’s not like they both hadn’t sensed the tension that had been building for weeks. “I know how you get when you are making a hard decision Humin-ah, I'm not dumb, you've done it before.” the words come out quiet and soft. 

Humin looks like he got all the air punched out of his lungs, he moves his hand up like he’s contemplating whether he should reach up and touch Baekjin, but in the end, he lets his hand fall. “That’s not fair.” the words come out small, defeated. 

“Yeah, I'm not always fair.” He knows the words are cold. But he’s starting to feel sick of this. He doesn’t understand what the other boy is playing at, doesn’t get why he keeps on pushing and pushing. 

“You know why I—”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So then why? Why bring that up now.”

He wants to say, Because it hurts, because I want you to understand how I feel, because I want you to hurt at least a little. Because I want you to stop pretending and just let it go. Instead, he says, “Because I thought you were leaving, I could feel it, could feel you slip away, you've been cold, distant. I thought you had given up on me again. I know I deserve it.”

Baekjij presses his nails to his palms, hoping the physical pain will take away from his emotions, because even when those are the least revealing words, they still burn in his throat. 

Humin looks down, “I'm sorry.” 

But Baekjin doesn’t want his apologies, he just wants this to be done with, “Don't apologize, I understand why you would want to leave.”

“I was never planning to leave!” Humin says a little too loud. 

Baekjin moves back a little in his chair, and for a moment he regrets having brought it so close to the bed earlier, afraid that now his emotions are too obvious not to notice. “No?” He says, “Then why were you being all weird? It seemed like the only conclusion.” 

“The only—“ He scoffs out before continuing, “Of course not! Is that what you thought I came here to talk to you about?” Humin says, exasperation evident in his voice. 

“Well… yeah,” Baekjin shrugs. 

“But I told you our friends—“

“Your,” Baekjin isn’t trying to be stubborn or anything like that but the word just comes out before he can stop it. 

“Huh?”

“Your friends, Humin-ah. I know they don't like me, we don't have to pretend they are my friends too.” he said plainly.

“I— what makes you say that?”

“Please,” he gives the other boy a side eye. “It’s obvious”.

“Nuh uh! They like you.” Humin pouts. 

“They don't, they probably can’t.”

“Well, why not?”

Baekjin breathes out a long, drawn-out sigh, “Humin, we both know I've done them too much harm to ever get some type of forgiveness from them, and I won’t ask for it.” He's selfish most of the time, but he knows he can’t ask for that. 

“So you think… you think they told me to, what? To stop talking to you? To stop being friends with you? Because they didn’t.”

“I heard them, you don't have to lie for my sake or theirs.”

“Heard them? What? I don’t—“

“Back at their apartment, I had stepped out and when I came back you guys were whispering,” he looks down sheepishly. “I know I shouldn’t eavesdrop but I overheard what they were saying, and I saw you.”

Humin looks at him and shakes his head, “Right, but still… they’ve never told me to stop talking to you or anything like that.”

Baekjin rolls his eyes, a little annoyed, “They said you should tell me how you really feel.”

Humin’s face paled. There it is. Finally, the other boy can stop playing around and pretending. 

“You heard that,” he breathed out.

Baekjin sighed, “Yeah. I heard it.”

“So then you heard me say that I was perfectly happy with how things are between us.” There it was again, the guilty look in his eyes and that little furrow in his brow. Baekjin wished he could reach over and smooth it down.

“Yeah,” he can see Humin's mouth open, ready to talk again. But before he can Baekjin says, “But I also saw you, I know what you look like when you lie, and I know what you look like when you feel guilty, at that moment you felt both.”

Humin’s mouth opens and closes a couple of times before finally settling on, “And you think I felt like that because I’m not happy to have you around… and because I feel guilty about it?” 

Why does he have to ask stupid questions they both know the answer to and make things even more difficult for Baekjin? Can’t he see that Baekjin was trying to make things easier for them? For him? 

Baekjin sighs, his hands twitch with the need to grab something— anything to distract himself. In the end, he decides on just folding his hands on top of his lap again. “Obviously. I understand your savior complex perfectly well. I understand that you feel bad about this, but I can’t make you feel something that isn’t there. I’ve tried to before and we both know how that ended up.”

His hands are shaking even as he presses his nails to his palm and tries to hold them down. He really can’t do this, but he needs to let Humin know that it’s okay, he can go, Baekjin won't fight back this time. 

When the silence lingers for a little too long again Baekjin decides to try and soothe whatever is plaguing the other boy's mind, “Really, it’s okay, I won’t do anything about it this time, you don’t have to worry.”

His words seem to have the opposite effect. Instead of looking relieved, Humin just looks defeated, and Baekjin can’t stand to see him like that, so he casts his eyes on his lap.  

I really can’t do anything right, huh? 

He’s stuck thinking about all of the ways he could try to fix this when he hears Humin speak up. 

“You think that's why I’m worried?” Humin’s words come out jagged at the end, like he’s trying to hold his emotions back.

“Why else?” Honestly, Baekjin isn’t sure what to do anymore. He’s given Humin an out, told him he has nothing to worry about, and assured him that he wouldn’t fight back. That should be enough for Humin to just get on with it. But the other boy won’t let this go and Baekjin is so— so tired. He can feel the sting behind his eyes and nose and he wishes this could all be over so he could just lie down and mourn it in peace. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say, I—” he breathes in when he feels his throat start to close up. Baekjin takes a second to look back at Humin and his expression is just as it was before, brows furrowed, hands curled on his knees as if restraining himself. “I get it okay?” Baekjin tries to swallow the lump in his throat. He can feel Humin's eyes desperately trying to find his, but he can’t bring himself to look back. “I think you should go, I understand what you want, and I’m telling you it’s okay.”

Without looking at the other boy, he stands up and heads to open the door. But before he can reach it he feels Humin's hand hold his wrist. 

“What are you—”

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence, instead, he feels a pair of lips push against his. Humin was… kissing him? Why was Humin kissing him? Was it just to shut him up? To stop him? None of that makes sense. 

Baekjin feels Humin start to pull back so before he can fully step back he holds onto Humin's shoulders and brings him in closer. Humin reaches out and places his hands on his waist. He wants to believe that maybe this —this kiss… this feeling— is why he had sensed that Humin wasn’t telling his friends the truth. Maybe his guilt came from wanting more and not less. But even if it wasn’t, Baekjin would make sure to savor this for as long as he could.  

Slowly, he walks them back until he feels the edge of his bed and pushes Humin down, lowering himself to sit on Humin's lap. He nibbles at the other boy's lips and gets a small gasp as a response, he takes it as an opportunity to slip his tongue into Humin's mouth, slowly tasting him. A strong minty flavor comes through and he briefly wonders if maybe Humin had planned for this. But, he abandons the thought and goes back to kissing the boy of his life. 

Baekjin can feel Humin's hands lower and tightly grip his hips. He lets his tongue move and taste— only parting to press soft pecks down the column of Humin’s throat. Licking and sucking here and there, leaving a small trail of purple blotches in his wake, he can hear small gasps and moans coming from Humin’s mouth which only serve to motivate him more. 

After a long time feeling each other, almost in a trance, they finally part. Both breathing heavily and panting, eyes slightly dilated, Baekjin can feel Humin's hands trembling slightly on his waist. They stay like that, with their foreheads touching, just staring at each other in complete silence. 

Humin is the one to speak first, “Sorry,” he pauses, glances, and then looks away.

And Baekjin feels his heart stop, even if he expected it. Had he really changed his mind so fast? He needs to get out, needs to leave before Humin talks again. With shaky hands, he tries to lift himself up from Humin's lap but the other boy pulls him down and holds him tighter. 

“Don't go! I didn’t mean sorry for the kiss, or— not really. I mean, I don’t regret it,” Humin rambles on, completely flushed again but for a different reason. “I just,” he sees the other boy struggle to find the right words, and again it surprises him, Humin isn’t one to get this nervous over a conversation but he’s been doing that all night. “I’m sorry, for how abrupt the kiss was, I didn’t even ask. But I’m not sorry it happened,” He reaches to take one of Baekjin’s hands, “I really really enjoyed it. And I’m sorry for being so weird and distant. I've been thinking about something but I shouldn’t have acted that way, I’m sorry,” he looks down sheepishly. 

Baekjin smiles, his first real, happy smile, “You don't have to apologize, I was worried but… I should have just talked to you, instead of making things up and assuming what was going to happen”. He should probably feel embarrassed about how he had acted. But, right now all he feels is dizzy with the idea that maybe Humin might feel the same way about him. 

But Humin looks sad, “Not exactly making things up when it's happened before right?” 

“You said it yourself, there’s a reason for that,” and for the first time tonight — or maybe since ever — he doesn’t feel like his chest burns when he says those words. 

“Still doesn't take away the pain from being left behind right? I’m sorry,” Humin says, barely above a whisper. The boy lowers his head and Baekjin can see tears forming in his eyes. So he brings his arms to the other boy's face and lifts it so they are looking eye to eye.

“No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up when you have been proving for so long that you do want me around,” responds Baekjin. He moves his hand and reaches behind Humin’s head and plays with the hair at the base of his neck. 

“Don't be, we went about this the wrong way. I assumed that you understood what me coming back to you meant.”

“I do,” he assures the other boy. 

Humin shakes his head, “Not enough. I should have talked with you back then, I would have if I knew you felt like this. I just thought there was no need to. But, we’ve both said and done a lot of things to hurt each other, so we should have talked a long time ago.”

“Maybe… But I’m a grown-up now, I know people aren’t responsible for my feelings, and I didn’t want to make you feel guilty.” He might still have a hard time not feeling hurt by other people's actions, but he understands that his feelings are his own, and he can’t go around blaming them on other people. 

Humin sighs and looks down, “Yeah, but I am for these”.

Baekjin shakes his head, “Humin-”

“Stop,” He says, bringing his hands up to hold Baekjin’s face. “Look, we've danced around this topic for so long, or at least I have. I should have told you this a long time ago—years ago, back before the fight even happened.”

Baekjin parts his lips, ready to argue against it but Humin just lifts his hand and touches his bottom lip.  

“Wait, let me finish,” he says “Baekjin you have always been important to me, and in one way or another, I have always loved you, even when I desperately did not want to. You don't have to feel the same way. But I love you. And I promise I won't leave, not this time, not again. Even if you don't reciprocate my feelings, I’ll stay if you want me to.”

The confession made the tears he was holding back finally come out. “I've only ever wanted you by my side, in whatever way you’d want,” Baekjin says, voice watery. 

Humin smiles, it’s tainted with all their past regrets but also with a new layer of hope, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Baekjin breathes out “Humin, I'm sorry, I should have said it before too because I am. I have so much to atone for I don't even know where to begin, but I know I love you. I always have, but I’m just now starting to learn how to manage it without hurting you.”

“I love you too,” Humin says, bringing their foreheads together again. “Let’s learn how to properly love each other together. Yeah?” 

He can hardly believe any of this is happening, he feels giddy at the possibility — the chance — of finally getting all that he’s ever wanted. Baekjin has never had the luck or luxury of getting or keeping anything, especially not Humin. But now he can, and he’s not planning on throwing that away. 

Baekjin smiles, “Yeah, okay.” 

When he wakes up the next morning the sun is casting a light shadow over them. His legs are tangled up with Humin’s underneath the sheets and everything feels so perfect. There’s a light breeze that is coming in through the window, so the only sound inside is their breathing and the sound of the curtains moving. He takes a glance down to look at him and his heart beats hard against his ribcage. Humin looks so pretty like this, in his bed with dozens of small love bites littering his chest, neck, and stomach. Baekjin realizes almost a little startled that he doesn’t have to stop himself from reaching out anymore. 

Humin’s eyebrows furrow just slightly and he lifts his hand to push away whatever was on his face, “Mhm, I don’t want to wake up yet,” 

“You don’t have to yet,” he whispers, playing with the boy's hair.

But, despite the way the words are barely audible, they still seem to startle Humin because his boy — his boyfriend — pushes himself up and looks at Baekjin, “Oh.” 

“Oh?” Baekjin tries not to feel nervous about the reaction. 

Before he can start to overthink it Humin throws himself on top of him and presses their faces close to each other. He peppers small kisses all over Baekjin’s face until they’re both left giggling. Then he tries to kiss Baekjin’s lips but the other boy moves his head to the side “Gross, we just woke up,” but Humin just chases his lips and whines out, “I don’t care,” before he holds Baekjin’s face and he kisses him. 

Baekjin moves his hands to Humin’s neck and just rests them there. The kiss leaves him feeling just as dumb as the first one had. He supposes that’s just the type of feeling he has for Humin. 

Finally, after Humin has decided that he’s done, he separates and lets his head drop on Baekjin’s shoulders. Baekjin peers down at him, “What was that about?” He says, moving his hand to poke his boyfriend’s cheek. 

“Ithoughtitwasadreamforaminute.” The words come out rushed and muffled against his shoulder. 

“Speak up, Humin-ah, I couldn’t understand anything you said.”

Humin lifts his head and says, “I thought it was a dream, you know, everything from yesterday,” before burying his head back on Baekjin’s shoulder. 

He laughs at that, “What, you dream of confessing and making out with me often?” He says moving his eyebrows. 

Humin lifts his head again and looks at him, a small blush rising to his cheeks, “Well… yeah…” 

Sincerity and “Really…?”

Humin whines out, letting his head fall onto the pillow, “Jin-ah, you know how I feel, stop teasing.”

Baekjin reaches down and tries to get his boyfriend to pull his head up “I didn’t mean to make fun of you… I just didn’t really think…” That gets him to lift his head.

“Yah! Seriously, after everything we talked about last night you still don't think I’m serious,” Humin says, reaching over to grab Baekjin. 

“Well, no, not that you aren’t serious,” He looks over at him. “I just didn’t think it was something you thought about that often.” 

Humin looks at him, “Well, I do,” he pouts. 

The action causes Baekjin to smile, “Yeah?” he says between a laugh. 

“Mhm,” Humin says, holding Baekjin's face and poking one of his dimples. “Do you?”

Baekjin let himself look over Humin’s face, “Honestly, I never really let myself think about us in that way before.”

Humin’s eyebrows furrowed, “Why?”

He shrugged, “I thought it was selfish to want more from you.”

Humin looked sad for a second before he pulled Baekjin tight to his chest, “It’s not, take everything from me, I’ll happily give it to you”

Baekjin tried to push him off, which only caused his boyfriend to hold on tighter, “Humin-ah.” He whined. 

But Humin just pressed his face on top of Baekjin’s head, “I’m serious! I’d do anything to make sure you are happy, to make sure you know how much I love you.”

Baekjin finally reached up and hugged Humin back, before letting his hands rest on Humin’s waist, “I know,” he mumbled out. 

Humin looks down at him, “Hmm, maybe, but I need to make sure.” He pushes Baekjin down further on the bed and kisses him again. This time the kiss is a lot slower than it had been before, no longer rushed by their emotions, like Humin is trying to make Baekjin understand how much he cares about him. Slowly, Humin pulls back and just looks at him. “You’re so pretty,” he says, bumping his forehead against Baekjin’s. 

“I’m puffy and gross,” and he is, he should have insisted on a shower last night but he doesn’t have much of an ability to say no to Humin, "Come on, get up. We should brush our teeth and take a shower.”

That seems to make Humin perk up, “Together?”  

Baekjin rolls his eyes, “Sure, whatever, just get up,” He pushes lightly at his boyfriend's chest until the other boy finally relents and gets out of bed. 

On their way to the bathroom, Humin puts his arms around Baekjin’s waist and lays his head on his shoulder. “I still think you look pretty like this.”

Baekjin rolled his eyes, and continued to walk, “You’re not getting out of taking a shower,” he said, which probably didn’t have much of an effect on the other boy because he had said the same thing last night. 

“I’m not trying to!” Humin whined out, “I always think you look beautiful.”

“Yeah okay, let’s go.”

After their shower, they went back to bed, they spent most of the day there just doing nothing. Usually, Baekjin felt a little on edge when he didn’t keep himself occupied, but not this time. As he lay in bed allowing himself to be held by Humin, he was more than perfectly content and comfortable, certain that he could spend the rest of his life like this without a single complaint.