Chapter Text
Trudge. Trudge.
The snow shifted with his footsteps as he marched upwards.
"F...finally."
He lowered his scarf from his face, recognizing the peak of the mountain. He scrambled to the top.
"Finally, I am AWAY from those FOOLS!" shouted Piggy from the top of the snowy mountain, "and now NOTHING will stand in the way of my latest EVIL PLAN!"
He laughed for a good minute up there until he ran out of breath. "although," he said, panting, and staring at the horizon for a moment, "first I need to come up with an evil plan."
He contemplated what new dastardly deeds he could commit to thwart his old nemesis Petey and his allies once and for all. The mountain snow glittered in the sunlight, looking more like a soul than anything earthly. The wind howled in Piggy's ears until all at once...it was a whisper.
Piggy took a moment to listen...and then he heard it. The whispers from the ice and snow.
His new plan.
-
"Good morning Okhay City!" Sarah Hatoff greeted the camera with a smile. Her cameraman, Seamus, gave her a thumbs up. "Today we are recording live footage of the city denizens lining up to perform their civic duty of voting in the Okhay City Mayoral Election!" She approached the end of the line of people extending outside the city hall, "here, at the end of the line, we have Chief, chief of Okhay City's police force!" Chief smiled and waved at the camera. Sarah leaned in close to him, "Chief, what do you have to say about this election?" and she pointed the microphone towards him.
"Okay okay, first of all," said Chief, taking the microphone, "what is our relationship in this fanfiction? Are we going by the movie lore where we have romantic tension - which is plausible considering Seamus, a movie exclusive character, is here - or are we going by the book lore where we're good pals and I'm married to Nurse Lady - which also seems plausible considering Piggy, a book exclusive character, was in the prologue?"
Sarah took the microphone back, "That's an excellent question, Chief!" She looked directly at the camera, "in this story, we will be using a combination of book and movie lore! In this specific instance, we will be using the book canon for Chief's and my relationship, because the author thinks Nurse Lady is neat and also because I am more of a badass in the books."
"Cool!" said Chief, smiling brightly, "That means I'm married AND have a cool pal!" he thought for a moment, "AND Dog Man! Who was part of my three way wedding kiss in the books! Does this make me married to him too? Also have you seen him anywhere?"
"Indeed, Chief," Sarah said happily to the camera, not making it clear whether she was affirming Chief was married AND had a cool pal (and Dog Man), whether Chief was Married to Dog Man, or whether she has seen Dog Man anywhere. "So," she continued, "what do you think of this election's candidates?"
"Well I think- AUGH" Chief yelped as Dog Man bounded out from seemingly nowhere and toppled Chief to the ground, licking Chief's face, "DOG MAN QUIT IT!!!"
"Well, there's one mystery solved!" said Sarah with a laugh. She directed Seamus to point the camera at Dog Man. "Dog Man, do you have any thoughts on this election?"
Dog Man responded by licking the camera. Chief groaned in the background.
"I'll tell you what I think," a new voice said, grabbing the camera and turning it towards himself. Petey scowled into the lens, "I think it's completely BOGUS that I'm still not legally allowed to vote after helping save the world multiple times!" he rolled his eyes, "all because I made some mistakes and committed a couple 'felonies' in the past!" he put his hand to his heart and made a sincere expression, "Like, I've literally changed my ways??? Cut a guy some slack, YEESH!"
"Ah well if it isn't Petey!" said Sarah, stepping back into frame, "the world's former most evillest cat, turned into a kindhearted hero through the power of love for his clone son and also friendship and all that supa stuff!"
"Do you have to say that every time you see me?" Petey deadpanned.
"Yes," Sarah smiled, "if you can't vote...then what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to set a good example for my son, and teach him about the power of democracy and all that good stuff," Petey said, gesturing to his clone son who taught him the power of love and redemption and whatnot, Li'l Petey. Li'l petey gave the camera a polite wave and a precious smile.
A floating green baby frog burst into frame, "I'm here, Too!"
"Yes," said Petey, gently pulling the baby frog away from the camera, "Molly, the tadpole with psychokinetic powers - a book exclusive character and, to my great misfortune, Li'l Petey's Friend - is here too."
"And don't forget 80-HD!" Li'l Petey piped up, directing Seamus's camera towards 80-HD's orbular robotic form. 80-HD waved enthusiastically.
"Yes," said Petey, "and 80-HD."
"Also all my siblings and Flippy the Reformed Psychokinetic Cyborg Fish/My Dad," Molly added. A large pile of small frogs waved to the camera.
Flippy waved, too. "I also cannot vote due to being a felon, but am nevertheless here to teach my frog children about the importance of participating in democracy!" he smiled.
From behind flippy stepped out Italian actress/book exclusive character, Yolay Caprese. "I, too, cannot vote in this election!" she said, "but not on account of being a felon, but due to being a citizen of Italia* and not the Stati Uniti d'America**!"
"Wow," said Sarah, "is anyone actually here to vote?"
"I am!" said Nurse Lady, holding hands with Chief, "Although I must admit I am not super impressed with the candidate selection."
"Hello Nurse Lady!" Sarah said, surprised, "When did you get here?"
"I've been here since book 1," said Nurse Lady, as if this answered anything.
"Okay." Sarah pointed the microphone towards Nurse Lady, "why do you say you are unimpressed with the candidates?"
"Well," said Nurse Lady, "the first two choices are our two previous mayors...the first of which was super shady in the movie and straight up tried to legalize evildoing in the first book...the second of which - the one who replaced the first one after she tried to legalize evildoing in the first book - is okay...I guess...but he hates Dog Man and Dog Man is my good pal / I might be in a three way marriage with him, so I can't really vote for him in good conscience."
"What about the third candidate?" prodded Sarah.
"The third candidate...," hesitated Nurse Lady, "kind of gives off bad vibes...like...fascist-y vibes?"
"'Fascist-y vibes'?" echoed Sarah, "what makes you say that?
An official stepped out of the city hall building. The official cleared his throat, "Due to the sudden disappearance of the former mayor, as well as the presiding mayor, the third candidate - Snowy the Snowman - wins the election by default," The official gestured to a stage, "here to give his acceptance speech: Mayor Snowy!"
Dog Man growled as a snowman stepped up to a podium on the stage.
"My, how convenient for me," said Mayor Snowey, cooly. Snowey spread his arms to the crowd, "It is my pleasure to announce to the people of Okhay City that my first act as mayor will be to declare myself not just mayor of Okhay City, but the new eternally reigning president of Okhay City: President Snowy the Snowman!"
Nurse Lady turned to Sarah grimly. "That's why."