Work Text:
When he sees a vacant bench outside at the picnic table, he likes to imagine Neil, reading his script to a starry-eyed audience, with his eyebrows furrowing at every sentence or facial expression, sometimes in confusion as he pens the definition of words in the margin.
He confesses that in his imagination, Neil had always existed in the wind, the stars, and the ripples of the unbounding lake beside Welton. When they had their walks on the dock admiring the ducks and ripples made from the rocks they’d skipped against the water's surface.
When Autumn erupts he feels it in the breeze, when Mother Nature shares her beauty again, he finds himself deep in thought, Neil loved Autumn, the weather was just right, the leaves decorated the Earth, and they’d hear that crunch beneath their shoes.
When Summer arrives, Todd visits Iceland with his family, to be acquainted with the cousins he’d barely kept in touch with. His cousins had told him the Aurora Borealis was perfect for reconnecting and rekindling their friendship. Yet, when Todd sees it, his mind un-voluntarily wanders to Neil. When they speak about their school life, Todd puts on his rehearsed smile, telling them ‘all’s well,’ then discussing some of his classes.
He never tells them about the part where he writes poetry. They needn’t know.
They needn't know about his poetic grief, he wouldn’t want to sour the mood, he's here to reconnect and distract his mind.
To look at the Aurora Borealis, was to look into the eyes of Neil, the eyes of someone who just found out they’ve got something worthwhile, some passion to pursue far into adulthood.
When Summer ends he’s back at Hellton for the winter’s harshness. It felt as though the universe had mistaken him for a fool, as the snow fell rapidly, encasing everything. When he daydreams he dreams of a reality where Neil still exists, cheerful, and ever sweet. Doing everything acting related, his smile achingly wide and unwavering. Sometimes he wishes to see that smile again, to go back in time and fix it all.
Then, he sees Neil sweater, it’s the color of the freshly fallen maple leaves. He holds it delicately, heaven knows he could never wash it. It’ll lose everything that made it Neil. Everything that made it special, yet if ghosts were real he wonders how Neil would feel about him and his sweater. Maybe he’d want it back. Perhaps he'd use it as a lucky sweater now that Todd's snuggled in it.
When he sleeps, one dream plagues his mind like a disease. The saddest he'd ever seen Neil, had been after his father's conversation about being a doctor.
Sometimes Todd was angry, more so over his inability to notice and over Tom Perry's own negligence of Neil's needs and wants, his fury was bitter and unkind, yet he couldn't pull himself to speak up against Tom. He'd caused Neil's death, that had been clear as day.
The final reminder of Neil had been his letter, one Neil would never receive;
I'm aware this letter will never see you, but I suppose maybe that's a good thing,
If you were here i'd sit and talk to you about the Aurora Borealis for hours, to the point you'd get sick of it maybe.
You made me swoon like a maiden, and for that I'm forever grateful, but i must admit,
I have anger brewing within me.
Please, do not think any less of me,
my actions are not of envy or jealousy, they are of rage and mourning, I speak as if you are still alive.
Perhaps, you'd have loved the tale of Icarus. Or any Greek tragedy, now I see why you did what you did,
it doesn't hurt any less though.
With all my heart,
Todd.