Chapter Text
EB: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE!!!!!!!!
GG: whaAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!
EB: I THINK I OVER HEARD YOUR BROTHER HAVING SEX WITH MY SISTER LAST NIGHT AND I'M REALLY REALLY UPSET.
GG: EW!!!!!
GG: EW EW EW EW E WE W EWEWEWEWEWEWE!!!!!!
EB: I KNOW!!!
GG: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN TELL ME THAT
EB: BECAUSE IT'S YOUR BROTHER, IF I HAVE TO SUFFER SO DO YOU!
EB: UUUUuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
EB: WHY DON'T THEY DO IT AT YOUR HOUSE INSTEAD?
GG: because we still sleep in bunk beds :/
EB: haha, oh yeah!!
EB: man that is so lame!
GG: i know we REALLY need to get round to buying our own beds!!
GG: like we have our own rooms but we still sleep in our kiddy room with the bunk beds!!
GG: im a little scared itll hurt his feelings if i ask grandpa if we can get our own :(
EB: who cares, just get them out of my house.
EB: it'll be better for everyone involved if you get your own beds and they screw over at your place.
GG: no it wont ill have to hear them instead!!!
EB: i doubt it.
EB: let me draw you a diagram
GG: oh my god
EB: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc3ncqWm0V1re7tmvo1_500.png
EB: there.
GG: i guess i see your point
GG: mostly im just shocked youre not taking art
EB: har dee har.
EB: you have no appreciation for diagrams.
EB: or anything that's not a picture of a dog girl pegging something.
GG: pegging <3
EB: i know jade, i know.
EB: but concentrate. tie a string round your finger so you don't forget to get your huge gross sweaty brother and his dong out of my house if he's going to be boning my sister.
GG: why dont you just ask them to be quieter???
EB: me and jane don't have that kind of relationship!
EB: i don't think she'd look me in the eye ever again if she knew i could hear them.
GG: oh come on shes a little stuffy but shes not THAT bad!!
EB: she kind of is though!!
EB: have you ever walked in on jake jerking off?
GG: yeah like all the time
GG: hes walked in on me too
EB: and you think that's funny, like it's just WHOOPS and you laugh about it and get on with your life.
GG: .... well yeah
EB: kay jane stopped talking to me for like a week, because she saw me once.
EB: and i was in the shower so all she really saw was my butt!!
GG: idk if i saw your butt id probably RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
GG: OH NO THE GIANT BUTT MONSTER IS HERE!!!
GG: HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE THEY'RE GONNA GET STUCK UP IT!!!
EB: why does everyone always say my ass is big.
EB: it's not big it's cute and plush.
GG: omg!!
GG: youve been talking to dirk agaaaaaain!!
GG: about your buuuuuuuuuutt!!!
EB: oh my god jade, fuck off, he's just my bro.
EB: idk he's just like dave only cooler.
GG: and better looking....
EB: i hadn't noticed.
GG: PFFF YEAH SURE YOU DIDNT!!!
EB: we're not talking about this, just get your big stupid hairy brother to have sex at your giant cavernous lab house thing, and out of my ear hole.
GG: is this why you hate jake so much all of a sudden?? because he broke poooor dirky wirky's heart :((( 3
EB: he did not break his heart!!!! dirk wasn't even THAT into him any more by the time they got together.
GG: suuuuuuuuuuuuure he wasnt suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure
EB: dirk said he practically only went out with him for the hell of it.
GG: kaaaaaaay i beeeeeeet heee diiiiiiiiid
EB: but any way, i don't care so there.
EB: how's dave.
GG: i dont know and i dont really care :)
EB: :)
GG: :)
EB: i hope you don't mind if me and rose are still talking to him.
EB: we've made it clear we're both completely on your side.
GG: good
GG: i dont mind if you talk to him as long as you yell at him all the time
EB: yay! !
EB: i just hope you two are talking again by the time we get back to school otherwise its gonna be really awkward.
GG: i just wish i never dated him in the first place
GG: i felt like we really
GG: john this is so stupid but i just felt like we were really gonna be together for a long time :/
GG: i feel SO FUCKING DUMB being this upset over a middle school break up
EB: he wounded your pride man, you don't need his shit.
EB: and it's like, you didn't just lose a boyfriend you lost like your BEST FRIEND.
GG: your comforting is just a++ john!!!
EB: i'm trying!
EB: plus well we do start high school soon! good to get in on that teen drama nice and early!!
EB: at least you're not in as bad a shape as karkat.
GG: that is all true
GG: i better check on him he still hadnt bathed the last time i spoke to him
EB: i talked to him yesterday and he said he'd constructed a blanket fortress and he was still peeing in a bottle.
EB: nepeta's mom keeps like... trying to push toast under his door, and his dad keeps standing outside his room reading self help books.
GG: sigggh
GG: guess id better go talk to him
*
TG: sooooo miss crockerrrr
TG: how did it goooooooooooo
GG: How did what go?
TG: omg
TG: u kno
TG: u and mr english
TG: his submarine takin its maiden voyage into ur uncharted shooorrreeessss ;;;;;;)
GG: Oh, yeah. That.
GG: Nothing really happened so let's DROP IT :B
TG: omfg srsly
TG: but its ll youve fukin talked about all week you havent shut thef uck UP all ive heard is hoohoo roxy i cant wait for jakey to put his semi colon into my subordinet clause 8B
TG: what the fuck happened???? SPILL
GG: We just decided not to, okay?
TG: LIAR
GG: I just wasn't ready!!!
TG: omfg thats bullshit since u started datin him uv been padding around the place like a horny cat on a cocktin roof
GG: I think you meant "hot tin roof".
TG: dont u fuckin correct me
TG: wat happened tho
TG: could he not get it up
TG: did he have 2 stop 2 pee part way thru
TG: did he try an slip it in ur pooper...... :/
GG: No! It wasn't anything like that, all right?
TG: janey i told you about the time i peed myself in the park last year you owe me one
GG: Fine! I'll tell you.
GG: I'm sighing right now.
GG: He couldn't get it in.
TG: wat
GG: Either I was too small for him, or he was too big for me, but either way, it wouldn't fit.
TG: were u like rlly super tense or something
GG: NO!! That's the thing!
GG: I was fine, I was totally relaxed and... willing until he started trying to jam his thingy in!
TG: i cant believe u just said thingy
TG: and what do you mean jam
GG: Well, we'd been doing other things, and I said I think we should
GG: You know
TG: get down 2 business
TG: 2 defeat
TG: the cums
GG: I suppose.
GG: So we got ourselves into what my research had told me would be the most comfortable position for our first time.
TG: wtf was ur research like cosmopolitan and a wikihow artivle
GG: Ignoring you.
GG: He tried really gently at first and it just wouldn't go in so I suggested he try a little more force and... he bent his penis a little, so we decided to stop.
TG: omfg
TG: omfgggggggggg
TG: bent pensi
TG: bentsi
GG: I don't understand it :(
TG: is english like packng a fucking sALAMI in his lil booty shorts or something
TG: or do you just hav like a tiny little fairy princess cooch cause ur small
GG: I don't know!!!
GG: Maybe it's 6 of one half a dozen of the other!!
GG: I don't know, it's not like I have any other lady parts to compare mine to :/
TG: i could see if jakes dick fits in miss kitty
GG: Do you still call your hooha "Miss Kitty".
TG: do u still call ur cunt a hooha
GG: Roxy, that is such a foul word.
TG: you sed hooha tho so
TG: how many of his fingers can he get in it?
TG: ur hooha
GG: Do I really have to answer that?
TG: im tryin
TG: 2 help
TG: u
TG: with ur problem
GG: :/
GG: Promise this never leaves this conversation.
TG: promise
TG: not like i hve any one else to tell
TG: I HAVE LIKE 3 FRIENDS AND YOU AND JAKE ARE MOST OF THEM
GG: Yes, but you might tell your sister, or you might tell Dirk who would tell your sister who would tell MY brother, he'd threaten to pass it on to Dad or whoever and I'd have to do his chores for a month.
TG: thats ridiculous
GG: That's exactly what happened when I told you about getting to second base for the first time.
TG: omfg oh yeah when jake brOKE YOUR BRA
TG: I WOULDNT HAVE TOLD ROSE BUT IT WAS RLLY FUNNYA ND YOU KNOW HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT JAKE WITH HER CONTEMPT AND STUFF SHe thought it was so funny she laughed for like ever it was rlly cute :3
GG: You are the worst.
TG: janeeeyyyyyyy i promise i wont tell okay im sorry this is a super important thing and i can tell the difference between like
TG: stuff im not supposed 2 say
TG: nd like
TG: stuff im REALLY not supponsed to say
TG: i wouldnt violate ur confidence like that bby
GG: Thanks, Roxy.
GG: I just don't know what to do, though!
TG: moRE INPUT!! MORE INPUT!!!
GG: What?
TG: omfg have you not seen short circuit
TG: johnny 5
TG: need input more input
TG: idk i was just trying to find a cute way to tell you to stick more fingers in your bread basket b4 u try to make any toast
GG: Roxy!!!
TG: wat its foreplay
TG: omfg did he not finger you like at all beforehand because thats probably ur major issue riht there
GG: feuhidk!!!
GG: Of course he did, okay! He's a little dim, but he's not a moron!
GG: Also, I told him he should.
TG: so how many fingers u never answered momma roxy b4
GG: Like two, okay, three really hurts and we thought two would be enough.
TG: wow well obviously not
GG: He has pretty big fingers and auefdhjs I can't believe I'm telling you this!!
TG: big fingers my ASS jane he has tiny little girl hands
GG: He does not!
TG: he so does tho like have you seen his hands against dirks
TG: its hilarious its like the part in tarzan when jane and tarzan put their hands together only
TG: plot twist
TG: dirk is tarzan and jake is jane
TG: jane as in tarxan and not u
TG: actually you nd jake r kind of like tarzan nd jane arent you!!
TG: hes a jungle boy ur a prissy pants
GG: I'm not that prissy.
TG: sure u rnt bbbyyyy
TG: hes eaten u out b4 hasnt he??
GG: Yes...
GG: Do you have to call it that?
TG: wow sorry next time ill call it
TG: fuckin
TG: kissing ur wombman hood with his mouth snake
TG: any way so did he do it this time
GG: No...
TG: well maybe he should eat u/finger till u come nd then itll go in cuz youll be all
TG: loosey goosey baby
GG: Don't you mean cum?
TG: no
TG: cums the noun not the verb
TG: if u keep doin that ill come vs he got cum in my hair
TG: god get with the grammar program janyyyne
GG: Shut up.
GG: I guess I never thought of doing that :/
GG: I kind of want us to finish together...
TG: not gunna happen
GG: It might!!
TG: no
TG: sorry
TG: not gunna hapen
GG: What do you know, you've never had sex or anything, you just read wizard porn!!!
TG: wow low blow jane low blow
TG: loooowww blooooowwwwww
GG: Well, I'm just saying, you act like some kind of sex encyclopaedia, and you've never gotten past second base!
TG: im just trying to help jane you dont have t obe a bitch about it
GG: Well, maybe I don't want any help!
TG: fine
GG: Fine.
TG: enjoy tryin to choregraph syncronised orgasms at th first annual fuck olympics
GG: * Trying ** choreograph *** synchronized **** the ***** Olympics
gutsyGumshoe [GG] [ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
*
CG: LOVE
CG: WHAT IS LOVE
GG: dont start this shit again karkat!!!!
CG: LOVE IS
CG: NOTHING
CG: I AM COLD INSIDE
CG: I AM COLD AS HER DEAD, BLANK EYES.
CG: THERE IS NO GOD.
GG: holy shit
CG: BUT THERE IS A SATAN
CG: AND HIS NAME IS DAVE STRIDER
GG: i think theyre both equally at fault
CG: NO
CG: DID TEREZI KNOW YOU AND HIM WERE DATING???
CG: NO.
CG: DID SHE DUMP ME FOR HIM
CG: YEEESSSSS.
CG: NO IT'S ALL HIM, TEREZI WAS TOTALLY HAPPY WITH ME TILL HE SWAGGERED ALONG LIKE A BIG
CG: DUMB
CG: SWAGGER JAGGER
GG: you were dating for LIKE THREE WEEKS KARKAT!!!!
CG: AND THEY WERE THE ONLY THREE WEEKS OF MY LIFE WITH ANY MEANING.
CG: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT HER.
GG: THREE.
GG: WEEKS.
CG: DEAD.
CG: INSIDE.
GG: OH MY GOD YOU'VE BEEN BROKEN UP AS LONG AS YOU WERE DATING!!!!!!
CG: I KNOW AND THAT KILLS ME, THAT KILLS ME.
CG: I AM IN A WORLD OF FUCKING HURT.
GG: well im not exactly feeling great either!!!
GG: i was with dave for a year and then YOUR girlfriend comes along with her cane and her weird raspy laugh and then BOOM NO MORE BOYFRIEND FOR JADE HE'S JUST GONE !!!!!
GG: THAT MADE ME FEEL GREAT!!!
GG: uuuugh i just cant get over the fact he didnt have the grace to break up with me before he got with her
GG: made myself fucking sad again
CG: JADE.
CG: IT'S OKAY.
CG: FUCK THOSE GUYS, I MEAN. WE DON'T NEED THEM.
CG: WELL YOU DON'T NEED HIM, I NEED HER.
CG: I NEED HER TO FILL THE CHASM WHERE MY HEART ONCE WAS.
CG: I AM JUST SO EMPTY.
CG: HEY JADE
CG: YOU'RE LONELY, I'M LONELY
CG: WHAT IF WE DATED.
CG: THAT'D BE ALMOST OKAY.
GG: i think that is the single most insulting thing anyone has ever said to me
*
GT: Evenin' broski.
TT: He arrives.
TT: `Doubtless here to receive a pat on the back for finally sticking his dick in something that wasn't his own wee fist, or something crafted by it.
TT: Crafted out of canned meats and duct tape.
GT: What on earth would i craft with meat and duct tape??
GT: No dont answer that i am in dire need of assistance!
GT: We didnt actually manage to go.... all the way down to china town.
TT: Seriously?
TT: Are you kidding me?
TT: All I've had from both of you for the last week, is oh Dirk!! blah blah blah golly gee whilickers, I'm so excited to finally make awkward, fumbling, heterosexual love to Jan/ke!!!!
TT: How dare you return to me with your virginity still intact, Jake.
TT: How dare you.
TT: So, how'd you fuck it up?
GT: I didnt fuck it up!!
GT: Youre so flim flamming negative sometimes dirk!
TT: Flim flamming.
GT: Well you are.
GT: I couldnt get it in her.
TT: Dude.
GT: Im just too big.
GT: Really i dont like to blow my own trumpet....
TT: You would if you could.
GT: But the fact of the matter is my manhood is just so...... ample!!
GT: Its a curse many misguided fellows long for.
TT: Yeah, somehow I doubt that.
TT: Remember the one time I saw your trouser snake, back when we were dating for like five minutes.
GT: Yes?
TT: And I said you were hung.
GT: Well not that ive particularly made an effort to remember but yes of course a man doesnt forget such a compliment so quickly!!
TT: I was lying a little.
TT: Well... more exaggerating to boost your ego.
TT: You fall like... fairly comfortably on the larger side of average.
TT: It's a pretty normal penis, yo.
GT: Oh.
TT: Don't get me wrong, there's some good girth on that thing, but not enough that fucking a girl should be that much of an issue.
GT: So what should i do?
TT: I dunno man, vagina stuff?
TT: I'm not exactly an expert here.
TT: Eat her out first or something.
GT: Pff well as if im going to be taking advice like that from someone whos probably never even *SEEN* a ladys parts before.
TT: Dude, I've seen lady parts before.
TT: I have google.
TT: I've actually TOUCHED one before too.
TT: Hold your applause.
GT: Never!
TT: Totally got a whole finger in one.
GT: Whose ?? why didnt you tell me before!
TT: At Porrim Maryam's 19th birthday party, me and Kanaya briefly attempted heterosexuality.
GT: Really? KANAYA??
TT: I thought it'd be a good choice. I was curious, she was curious.
TT: She's super gay, I'm super gay.
TT: She's super pretty, I'm a demigod.
GT: Shes also super 14 and super underage!
TT: I was only 17 at the time, it could have been a lot worse.
GT: Like she could have been 13.
TT: Well, at the time she was 13.
TT: It was her idea.
GT: Why are you like this???
TT: Anime.
TT: Any who.
TT: I rated the whole experience two and a half hats.
TT: It was like playing a Mario Game.
TT: Maybe I don't completely understand what all of the fuss re: "Mario" is, or what exactly makes him so "Super", but I suppose I found it mildly entertaining, and on the off chance a Mario game more suitable to my tastes happened to be released, then I'd probably play again. Otherwise I'm going to be pretty happy over here playing Sonic the hedgehog.
TT: I'm using Sonic as a metaphor for my sexuality.
TT: It's been a while since I left the house, Jake.
GT: I supposed it might have been.
GT: Ive invited you hiking with me like three times dirk i think itd be fun!
GT: Just the two of us lads up a mountain walking around in the dirt and some such!
TT: Yeah I know but...
TT: Dirt.
TT: I only like exercise if it's in a sterile environment.
GT: Like the gym.
TT: Exactly the gym, and I heard you pronounce that as g-eye-m.
TT: Gym as in Jim.
GT: Im fairly certain its actually gym as in g eye m.
TT: And that's why you're in remedial English.
TT: God it's such a tragedy you aren't gay - you could use that as a line.
TT: "Hey bro, wanna get into remedial English?"
GT: I dont get it.
TT: Exactly.
TT: So, back to Jane's unprecedentedly small vagina.
TT: You fingered her, didn't you?
GT: Yes of course i did im not a complete ignoramus i did read the issue of cosmo jane left me.
TT: I'm going to ignore all the stuff wrong with that sentence and ask how many fingers?
GT: Two?
TT: Just two?
TT: When you've never had sex before?
TT: With her tiny vagina?
TT: With your tiny girl fingers?
GT: I do not have tiny girl fingers!!
TT: Yes you do, I've seen five year olds with bigger hands.
TT: Which is kind of funny, seeing as how John has such long, pretty hands.
GT: Dont start on john.
TT: And don't the two of your share a grandmother or something like that?
GT: Jane and johns nanna is mine and jades grandpas adoptive sister??
GT: Or something like that :/
GT: I dont really like to think about the fact im loosely related to my girlfriend.
TT: Let's just hope the kids only have ten fingers.
GT: So you think i need to be a tad more hands on with it is that what youre saying.
GT: That i need to *jimmy* her a little more first?
TT: Yes, if that's what you crazy kids are calling it nowadays.
TT: Next time, if it all goes wrong, I'll direct you toward the AR.
TT: I keep catching him watching het porn.
TT: I know porn isn't the best frame of reference, but he might be a little more help than me. I hope he's had the gumption to do a little real research.
LH: Why do you have to tell people about the porn?
TT: It's okay buddy, it's healthy to want to experiment at your age.
TT: If you're straight, it's okay.
TT: I'll understand.
TT: I'll still love you.
LH: Ugh. I'm leaving. I know there's a 99.5% chance you're going to turn me on and expect me to do the talking for you, but it's not going to happen.
GT: .....
GT: Is he gone?
TT: Yeah, I think so.
TT: He's all angsty and hormonal right now.
TT: He's playing System of a Down really loud, so I'm putting him in a drawer.
TT: Night night, sweet prince.
GT: Im going to go and pester jane makes no sense to avoid her.
TT: Cool.
TT: While you do that, me and Roxy will probably laugh at you in a different window.
GT: I wouldnt expect any less from you.