Work Text:
There’s something so profound about the emotions that one Jhoanna Christine Robles evokes from deep within your being.
You don’t know why, but your chest tightens with something akin to a perfect mix of excruciating dread and fervent yearning whenever you look at her—Jhoanna, with her captivating eyes and the prettiest smile that could send anyone begging on their knees just to be on its receiving end.
It still catches you unawares sometimes, how a simple glance from her is enough to make your knees turn weak. She’s beautiful, much too beautiful, and your heart longs to be owned by her.
There are times, much too frequent, when you find yourself unable to look away. And it’s always when she’s immersed in things where her passions lie. She’s an achiever, always has been since the very first day you’ve met, and there’s something truly captivating with the way she carries herself whatever she may do or wherever she may be.
But you think, more than anything, it’s the way her eyes always shine with that spark of mirth and zeal that has you truly, utterly mesmerized every time.
It stands true even at this moment, as you find yourself watching Jhoanna be so immersed in the script she has in her hands. Her brows are furrowed, the corners of her lips curled into a slight frown, yet her eyes are burning with such a determination that it actually sort of takes your breath away.
Ang ganda.
Sobrang ganda.
Napakaganda talaga.
“Ate Maloi?”
Her soft voice breaks through your internal musings, and in the next moment, you find yourself staring right into her pretty dark eyes. Her head is tilted slightly, a look of amusement and curiosity gleaming in those eyes that you love to get lost in.
“Sorry. May sinabi ka, Jho?” you respond, hating how your voice shook a bit at the end when her lips curled into an amused smile at your reaction.
She chuckles, soft and warm, and the sound is enough to send you reeling.
Her laughter remains one of the sounds you love most in the world.
“Tinatanong kita kung di ka pa bored. Sabi ko naman sayo, diba? Okay lang kung gusto mong sumama kayna Ate Aiah na manood ng movie sa mall. Mabuburyo ka lang dito sa pagsama saking magsaulo ng script.”
There’s a gentle smile painting her lips now, and her expression is so light and so open that it leaves no room for the genuineness of her sentiments to be misinterpreted. For a moment, you’re quite stupefied.
How can you not be, when the woman before you looks so effortlessly beautiful?
Jhoanna sits there, her face devoid of any makeup, her hair gathered in a messy bun, and donning her favorite pair of sweatpants and a shirt a size too big on her. Yet in your eyes, there is no sight as beautiful or as breathtaking as her.
Shaking your head a little, the corners of your lips tug up into a slight smile as you let out a shallow sigh. You can’t help but look at her fondly, the smile on your lips widening when you notice the faint blush that bloomed across her cheeks.
“Tapos third wheel nila ako ni Gweny? No thanks na lang. Besides…” you trail off.
A few minutes pass in complete silence until curiosity gets the better of your companion.
“Besides?”
“I’d rather stay here. Kasi nandito ka. Doon ako kung nasaan ka, Jho.”
For a moment, as the two of you sat there whilst getting locked in a staring contest, the atmosphere between you was charged with a tension so palpable it almost choked you. Words unspoken threatened to slip past closed lips. Feelings that have been unacknowledged for a long time threatened to spill. And at one point, you kind of thought that the dam containing everything the both of you have been holding back for years would finally break.
But alas, like always when it comes to the two of you, things continue to be unaddressed.
Jhoanna averts her gaze, her hands visibly shaking as she picks up her script once more, trying her best to focus her attention back on it. Your smile turns mellow as a resigned sigh slips past your chapped lips.
Maybe someday .
Unable to stand any uncomfortable moment with the younger woman, you get up from the loveseat to settle on the couch beside her. Jhoanna lets out a surprised yelp, to which you respond with a cheeky smile that has her hitting you on the upper arm in retaliation.
Typical Jhoanna.
It makes you smile more.
“Kainis ka talaga,” she whines as she now starts hitting you with the script in her hands.
The blows don’t have any real force in them, so you end up chuckling at her actions. Without a word, you gently pry the document from her hold, discarding it on top of her coffee table before pulling her into a soft embrace. You wrap your arms around her waist securely, resting your head against her shoulder and turning to bury your face against the crook of her neck as you take in a deep inhale.
Jhoanna's familiar scent instantly invades your system, and you find yourself refusing to exhale as you let your lungs burn, as if doing so will commit the smell to your memory.
“Loi?”
There's a hint of surprise and hesitance in her voice, as she had accidentally forgotten to use honorifics while addressing you. Slightly amused, it prompts you to lean in and place the lightest of kisses against her skin. You feel more than hear her sharp intake of breath as her whole body stiffens in your hold.
“Let's stay like this for a while. Namiss kita, Tin. Sobra.”
Your words contain nothing but the truth, because you did actually miss her so. With her busy schedule as a theater actress and newscaster, it's so hard to get some alone time with her like this recently. It just so happens that the new theater production she's going to star in is yet to launch, so she was able to squeeze in some time to spend with you.
Your words seem to have helped ease the tension she felt, as her body finally relaxed against your hold. Then, with a soft exhale, you felt her lift both arms before also wrapping them around you in a gentle embrace.
“Namiss din kita, sobra. Thank you for spending time with me today.”
Her words elicit a smile from your lips, one of pure unadulterated affection, as the both of you remain in each other's hold. And when the two of you finally break from the hug, you send a warm smile Jhoanna's way before picking the script back up and handing it to her.
“Gusto mo ba tulungan kita? Batuhan tayo ng lines, ganun,” you offer with a smile, to which she responds to by lurching forward and encasing you in another tight hug.
Typical Jhoanna. Always so expressive when it comes to showing her gratitude towards you.
“Thank you, Lucky.”
There used to be a time when people would ask you if Jhoanna’s presence ever threatened you.
You’d always look at them funny at first, then with a shake of the head, you would tell them in all genuineness, that there was never a moment or an instance when you ever felt so.
Because in all honesty, the moment you met Jhoanna, you knew that she was destined for great things in life. How can you bring yourself to feel any sort of negative emotion towards her, when the moment you saw her, you instantly recognized a kindred spirit who knew her priorities in life and was determined to see them through?
If anything, the first emotion you ever felt towards young Jhoanna was an immense sense of admiration. Because it’s so rare to find people her age who already knew what they wanted in life, let alone be proactive enough to pursue them.
You think most of those people who asked never believed you, and it’s not like you didn’t understand why. Because before Jhoanna Christine Robles, it was Mary Loi Yves Ricalde who was at the top of the social and academic pyramid at your old high school.
But even then, at such a young age, you already understood that nothing in life remains constant other than change. And you knew that you were never gonna stay at the top forever. Besides, you never did aim for that spot in the first place. It just so happened that along the way, as you strived to reach your personal goals, you’ve managed to set a certain standard for those people who surrounded you.
Once Jhoanna entered the picture, she was not only able to meet those standards but even surpass them with flying colors. And even then, there was no bitterness nor resentment in your heart. Instead, you found your admiration for her blooming into something more of an ardent affection as the years went by.
Jhoanna is just really amazing like that.
“Alam mo, ang dalas mong magspace out lately. Okay ka lang ba, Lucky?”
The familiar lilt of Jhoanna's voice distracts you from your internal musings, and it is only then that you remember that you're not alone.
“I’m sorry,” you mumble softly in apology as you turn around to face her.
It’s another free night for Jhoanna, and instead of going out to have some fun like usual, she opted to invite all of her close friends to a chill night at her place. It’s already half past two in the morning, and you were under the impression that everyone else besides yourself is already long lost in dreamland. Jhoanna being here on the balcony with you is a welcome surprise, and you send a soft smile her way as you tilt your head a little.
“May problema ka ba? Mag-aalas tres na ng madaling araw, pero gising na gising ka pa,” she says, the worry lacing her voice making your heart race.
“I could say the same about you,” is your response, coupled with a playful smile and a wink that has your companion rolling her eyes in exasperation.
The chuckle that slips past your lips is quite loud and unbidden, and from the corner of your eyes, you can see the expression on Jhoanna’s face slowly morph into one of gentle adoration. Your heart, the poor fellow, is worked into overdrive at the sheer beauty before you.
“Har har. Nauhaw kasi ako kaya papunta sana akong kitchen para kumuha ng tubig. Napansin ko lang na bukas ang pinto ng balcony kaya dumaan ako. And lo and behold, I find you here staring up at the stars, the look on your face making it seem as if you’re wishing for them to make the impossible to be possible.”
Underneath all the sass, you still caught on to the subtle hints of worry in Jhoanna’s voice. The corners of your lips curled up into a slight smile as you looked at her. Just then, a gentle early morning breeze slowly rolls by, making Jhoanna’s hair billow softly around her head like a dark halo. That, coupled with the fact that the younger woman looks absolutely radiant under the moon’s silvery glow, effectively knocks the breath from your lungs.
“Dance with me, Tin,” slips past your lips before your brain can fully register what you’re saying.
Jhoanna looks as surprised as you feel, but she’s quick to school her features back into her usual calm before she pins you with an incredulous gaze.
“Really, Lucky? Ni wala ka ngang music. Mga trip mo talaga sa buhay, napakarandom,” she says in amusement, and from the tone of her voice, you know that she’s not taking you seriously at the moment.
But you’re serious. Very much so. As it’s only during rare moments like this, when it’s just the two of you under the moon’s gentle glow, that you allow yourself to be the least bit selfish. There’s just something about Jhoanna and the moon that makes your heart yearn that much more for her.
Maybe it’s because the moon reminds you of Jhoanna so much.
Over the years, you’ve met a lot of people who compared you to the sun – bright, warm, blinding, and with a light that’s never-ending.
Jhoanna thinks so too.
“Para kang si Haring Araw, Ate Maloi. You’re so bright to the point of being blinding, but I can never make myself look away. Your presence fills me with so much warmth that it’s kind of overwhelming. The good kind, though. Just like everything about you.”
Jhoanna pauses to send a gentle smile your way, the smile that’s so soft and adoring that it makes you fall in love with her all over again.
“Pag kasama kita, parang kahit ano pa man ang itapat sakin ng mundo, kayang kaya kong harapin kasi nandyan ka sa tabi ko at alam kong hinding hindi mo ako bibitawan.”
And whereas you’re the sun to Jhoanna, to you, she’s the moon – bright, gentle, steady, and constant.
She has such a pure and beautiful soul, and that beauty radiates outside like the gentle glow of the moon that’s never blinding or overwhelming. You’re willing and ready to sacrifice yourself just to not let anything taint that beauty.
And just like the moon that never actually leaves, Jhoanna is such a constant presence in your life that you think you have already forgotten how it is to live without her by your side.
And sometimes, you get into a mood where living feels so much like a chore. But whenever you're with Jhoanna, you remember there are so many more things in life to celebrate and appreciate. She's akin to an anchor, keeping you tethered to reality whenever you feel like floating away.
“Lucky.”
Jhoanna’s voice is gentle as it coaxes you back into the present, and for a moment, you find yourself agreeing with her – you tend to get lost in your own head a lot lately.
Without a word, you take a couple of steps forward so that she’s within arms’ reach. Then, you gently take hold of one of her hands before slowly lifting it and pressing it against your chest, right over where your heart lies beating. Jhoanna looks dumbstruck by your actions, and you can only smile as you meet her gaze while she gapes at you.
“Di natin kailangan ng music. Focus on my heartbeat, Tin. We just have to follow its rhythm,” you tell her in an almost whisper.
A gentle expression settles on Jhoanna’s features then, before you find yourself being pulled closer. A slight ‘oomph’ escapes your lips as your body gently collides with hers, and your poor heart is yet again sent into overdrive when Jhoanna keeps one hand pressed against your heart, while the other wraps securely around your waist.
“Akala ko ba, sasayaw tayo? Hold me, Lucky. Hold me as if you’re afraid of letting go.”
There’s a certain edge in Jhoanna’s voice as she whispers against your ear, and the low timbre of her voice makes shivers run down your spine. Still at a loss for words, you slowly lift your arms and wrap them tightly around her shoulders. And as soon as your arms have locked around her, Jhoanna takes the initiative and starts swaying the two of you in a slow waltz.
“Lucky,” Jhoanna calls out after moments passed where the only sound the two of you focused on was your heartbeat.
The younger woman muttering your nickname with that much fondness in her tone never fails to make your knees turn to jelly. And you’re thankful that you’re currently in her sturdy hold, because you’re sure you would’ve been hurtling towards the ground at her mere mention of your name.
Unable to respond verbally, you let out a soft hum in response. You feel more than hear the chuckle that she lets out, and in the next moment, you feel your cheeks flush as Jhoanna slightly leans down before firmly pressing her lips against your temple.
“Ngayon pa lang, hihingi na agad ako ng sorry. Nadiscuss na sakin kagabi ng manager ko yung magiging schedule ko in the coming months. I’ll be super busy for a long while, Lucky. I’m afraid it will be a while before we can spend time together like this again.”
You would be lying if you said you’re perfectly fine with that. Because in truth, you think you’ll never be okay with going on prolonged periods without being able to spend time with Jhoanna. But this needs to happen for her to be able to reach her dreams, and who are you to get in the way?
More than anyone in the world, you want to witness Jhoanna reach her full potential.
More than anything, you want to see her happy and thriving in the life she’s building for herself.
So no matter how selfish you really want to be, you swallow down any protest as you tighten your hold around her and rest your forehead against her shoulder.
“Okay lang, Tin. I’ll be waiting for you, like always. Go out there and show the world how amazing you truly are. I really think this is the big break we’ve been waiting for all this time. I’m so proud of you, Tintin ko. Palagi’t lagi.”
Jhoanna doesn’t respond to that, but she does remove her hand from your chest in favor of wrapping it around your waist as she pulls you closer to her. Your bodies are now flush against each other with barely any space in between, and you find yourself getting a little overwhelmed when you feel how much her heart is racing alongside yours.
“Thank you, Lucky. I don’t know what I would do without you. Wait for me, ha? Pagbalik ko sayo, I’ll make sure I’ll be a version of Tintin na you can be more proud of.”
You want to tell her that no matter what happens, even at this very moment, she’s already the Tintin that you’re most proud of. But the excitement in her voice, and the way her arms squeeze you tight as if she’s trying to ground herself to reality, makes you hold your words back.
Anything for your Tintin.
Oh, how you love this woman so.
The auditorium bursts into loud applause as the curtains on the stage are drawn, and you find your gaze lingering on one figure who is bowed at the waist as she holds hands with the people on either side of her. You can’t see her face, but you’re certain that Jhoanna’s face at the moment is absolutely radiating with so much happiness that she can’t stop smiling.
The applause lasts long after the curtains have been fully drawn, and you were about to get up from your seat when you were hit with a sudden wave of nausea. Leaning against the backrest of your seat for support, you gingerly took your handkerchief from the pocket of your jeans with shaky hands as you felt the familiar beginnings of another onslaught of coughing.
Like clockwork, each cough that wracks your body is accompanied by a metallic, tangy taste in your mouth that’s also become familiar at this point. Once the coughs finally pass, you slowly pull your hand back from covering your mouth and wince when you see it splattered with blood.
This has been occurring a lot more frequently lately, and you’re terrified beyond belief that one of these days, the coughing fits will hit you when you’re with Jhoanna. In a way, you’re quite grateful for her very busy schedule. Because that means she doesn’t have to worry too much about your well-being on top of all of her schedules and responsibilities.
Folding the handkerchief in your hand, you place it back inside your pocket as you close your eyes and take a deep breath. The doctor had warned you about this, and she’s even upped your medicine dosage. But she still ended up being correct, as you now find yourself feeling even worse for wear while your condition continues to worsen.
It took a while, but as soon as the dizziness passed as well, you got up from your seat and grabbed the bouquet of pink and white carnations you specifically bought for Jhoanna. Having been friends with the younger woman for years means you’ve also come to know the people she works with regularly. A small smile curls at the corners of your lips when you greet the bouncers with a slight nod as you make your way backstage.
The whole cast of the production is huddled together to the side, and all of them are brimming with so much pride and joy that you find yourself smiling at the sight. They were all cheering and dancing happily with each other, and you could only stand back and watch, smile still plastered on your lips, as Jhoanna laughed so freely with her castmates.
Your heart warms at the sight, and for a moment, you lose yourself in thoughts about the younger woman performing on bigger stages and receiving countless awards for her talents. And then, as it has always been whenever you think about the future for the past couple of months, your joyous mood instantly crashes.
Will you be able to stay long enough to witness Jhoanna achieve all of her dreams and aspirations?
You know you promised her that you would be by her side every step of the way, but you’re no God. You’re a mere mortal who is bound to be at the mercy of the hand that life decides to deal you with. And unfortunately, the deities up above seem to be of the belief that you’re undeserving of staying by Jhoanna’s side for the rest of your lives.
The thought makes your soul howl in agony, and every fiber of your being protest, because you want to keep your promise. Because Jhoanna deserves to have every promise made towards her kept. And the idea of not being able to be there for her any longer breaks your heart more than the thought of dying.
Today is supposed to be a joyous occasion, and Jhoanna deserves to be celebrated for her hard work.
Shaking your head in an attempt to rid yourself of unwanted thoughts, you lift your gaze from the ground only to find yourself staring right into Jhoannna’s captivating dark eyes. Her expression brightens even more once she sees you, and the smile on her lips morphs into an adoring one as she remains in the hold of her friends.
She attempts to break free from their embrace, but you’re quick to shake your head and send her a reassuring look.
Dito lang ako.
Stay there.
Celebrate with them.
I can wait for my turn later.
Jhoanna nods her head in understanding, her smile so bright and so pretty that it makes you feel so, so breathless. God, how can someone be so beautiful?
And as you stand there whilst watching the love of your life celebrate the steps she’s taking towards making her dreams a reality, all you can think about is enjoying every single moment you can have with her.
Even if it’s limited.
Even if you know you’re gonna be leaving eventually.
Is it selfish of you? Maybe. You know you need to tell her the truth soon, because the longer you keep the truth from her, the more painful it would be for the both of you. You can’t help it though, because you just love her so. And even though it would hurt to say goodbye eventually, you can’t stay away from her. Because you know that the moment she learns of the truth, she’s going to drop everything in an instant just for you.
And you can’t have that.
Jhoanna has spent her blood, sweat, and tears over the years to be where she is now in life. You won’t be able to bear being the reason she gives up on everything when she’s this close to achieving everything she wants in life.
So for now, you keep your mouth shut just like how you’ve kept your real feelings from her for years.
For now, you’re content with how things are, leaving thoughts about the future for the future so you can enjoy the present with the love of your life.
Whatever will be, will be. And somehow, you’re content with that.