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Rain falls down continuously from the sky, pelting against every surface and soaking everything through. You see people around you scurrying towards the nearest shelter they could find to shield themselves from the downpour, yet you remain seated at your chosen bench, letting every drop hit against your skin and soak your clothes.
The cold wind breezes past and you feel the chill deep down in your bones but still, you do not move. The cold felt good against your skin, and you are thankful how it helped numb your senses no matter how little. A sigh. Then the slightest curve of the corner of your lips downwards. You turn your head so that you’re facing the sky, eyes closed and welcoming every drop that hits your face.
You always preferred the rainy seasons, mainly because the rain mutes everything around you, giving out a sense of peace and tranquility to your somewhat murky and disorganized thoughts. It also provides you with the delusion that it can somehow wash away all of your troubles and pain. It doesn’t . But as you stand under the downpour, you like to let yourself get lost in the illusion that it actually does.
The rain stops after a while. You don’t know whether it lasted for mere minutes or long hours, but it eventually came to a stop and people began to bustle about again. Yet you remain glued to your seat. Your body starts shivering from the cold though, so you reluctantly get up from the park bench you claimed as your own for the past couple of hours. Dragging your feet, you start heading back towards your apartment located just a couple of blocks away.
It doesn’t take you more than twenty minutes to reach your home. A bitter taste settles on your tongue at the word.
Home.
There was a time, many, many moons ago, when this place felt like home to you. Now, it’s nothing but an establishment where you eat, take a shower and sleep. It has long stopped feeling like warm summers and candlelit dinners, and that thought will always, always hurt you deeply no matter what.
Your teeth begin to chatter from the cold, so you quickly reach for your keys and with shaky hands, fumble with inserting it to the lock. After multiple failed attempts, you’re able to finally open the door successfully.
You quickly slip inside, depositing your shoes by the door and taking off your hoodie as you walk inside. Despite not doing much the entire day, you still feel exhausted to the bones. All you want is a warm bath and maybe a cup of coffee before going to nap the rest of the afternoon off. You were almost to your bedroom with your hoodie and shirt already taken off, when a voice calls for you and makes you stop in your tracks.
“Mikhs?”
You freeze on your spot, turning a little towards the entrance to the kitchen where you see her standing, brows creased and lips jutted out in a slight pout. She’s wearing a shirt that looks a size too large for her – and one you recognize as yours – and short boy shorts which, again, belong to you.
She’s also wearing an apron over her – your – clothes, a spatula held in one hand. She’s not wearing any make-up, and her hair is tied up in a messy bun, yet you couldn’t help but think that she’s still the most beautiful human being you have ever laid eyes on.
“Shee. Hey, you're – you’re home.”
You wanted to smack yourself on the face real hard at your own lameness, but she’s already walking towards you even before you can even lift your hand. She stops just a foot in front of you with that worried look on her face, and you almost forget that nothing is absolutely wrong with your life right now.
Almost.
She reaches a hand up and cups your cheek and you just melt at the feel of her skin against yours. You close your eyes, leaning into her touch and enjoying the warmth of her hand against your cold skin.
“Of course I’m home. Linggo kaya ngayon . Sunday is our day, remember? Teka nga, bakit ba basang basa ka, ha? Nakalimutan mo na naman bang magdala ng payong nung lumabas ka?”
A sigh falls from your lips as you turn your head to the side to kiss her palm.
“You could say that,” is your only response.
There was silence for a while before you're forced to open your eyes when you feel her hand pull back. She’s pinning you with a stern look, hands resting on her hips and you almost chuckle at the sight. Another sigh. And then you’re leaning towards her to capture her lips in a slow kiss.
She flinches in the most subtle way. Yet you still notice. And your heart further breaks inside your chest.
When you decided to pull back, you felt her finally beginning to relax into the kiss. You do your best to mask the pain you felt, plastering the most convincing smile you can muster on your face as you tuck stray strands of hair behind her ears. Your gaze turns towards the spatula in her hand and your smile widens in the slightest bit.
“It looks like you’re cooking something. Why don’t I go ahead and take a shower while you finish whatever it is you’re cooking so we could eat together? You up for it?”
“Okay. Malapit na din tong matapos maluto. Wag mong tatagalan maligo ha?”
You nod your head in response, smile still plastered on your lips, and you lean towards her to place a kiss against her forehead before heading towards your bedroom for your much needed shower. Once inside, you close the door behind you carefully before resting your back against it. You remember the way Sheena flinched when you kissed her earlier, and the other instances before that, and a tear slowly rolls down your cheek.
Things have changed, and your relationship is not really the same anymore. You’re aware that you’re not the only one who holds her heart anymore, if you were even holding onto it in the first place. Yet you choose to stay mum about it.
You choose to stay with her and pretend that everything’s okay when it’s anything but.
You choose to stay and silently hurt alone, because the thought of losing her hurts a whole lot more than knowing that she has found love in somebody else.
It has been a pretty long day, and you’re physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. It has been a hectic day at work, what with the scheduled visit of your company’s foreign investors being today. Everyone in the company you work at has been busy the whole day, so even if it’s kind of a special day today, you all didn’t get to celebrate. Even your friends and family are busy with their own affairs, what with Christmas drawing near. They all did send you greetings, but there’s still this loneliness in your heart as you return to a dark and empty apartment by the end of the day.
You deposit your shoes by the front door and head straight to the kitchen, leaving your bag and coat by the couch along the way. You walk towards the fridge, yanking the door open and pulling out the six-pack beer you’ve stocked in there. You also grab a pint of ice cream from the freezer and a bag of chips before heading back to the living room to settle on the couch.
It’s your own way of celebrating your birthday alone. You open one can and proceed to take huge gulps from it as you take off your dress shirt as well, leaving just your tank top on.
You’re grateful for all the people who sent you well-wishes for today, but the one person who you desperately want and need to greet you and spend whatever remaining hours of your birthday with you hasn’t even greeted you yet.
It hurts. It hurts so much that your own girlfriend seems to have forgotten about your birthday, so you drown yourself in alcohol to numb the pain. It’s stupid, you know. But you’re just hurting too much and for once, just this one time, you want to forget.
So when you finish all the beer and the ice cream, you head back to the kitchen on your wobbly legs and retrieve the bottle of vodka you stocked in one of your cabinets. You don’t even bother with a glass as you take a swig straight from the bottle and wince from the burn as it goes down your throat.
Settling yourself back on the couch, you pull out your phone from your pocket to play some slow, relaxing songs as your thoughts begin to race and proceed to make you feel even worse than you already do. You think about Sheena and how much the younger woman used to be so, so in love with you.
You remember being awkward in the beginning and unable to express how much you love her too, because you were too inexperienced with relationships and you haven’t really been in one before being with her. You recall all the times she hurt and got her heart broken because of you and your incompetence, and come to the conclusion that everything that’s happening right now is your fault.
Your inability to express your thoughts and your feelings is what drove Sheena away. She must have gotten exhausted waiting for so long just for you to be comfortable with opening up to her. She must have found someone who is able to love her the way she deserves to be loved and doesn’t hurt her like you did countless times before.
And being the kind and considerate person that she is, you’re pretty certain that the only reason she hasn’t broken off things with you yet is her fear of hurting you. Your heart breaks at the thought of Sheena being in another person’s arms. It’s unfair, but you brought this upon yourself, so you have to deal with the pain.
You take swig after swig from the bottle in your hands, not paying mind to the stinging burn the liquid leaves behind as it travels down your throat. Your thoughts are getting noisier and more painful as the seconds tick by, so you drink more in the hopes of silencing the menacing voices in your head. The alcohol takes effect soon enough, and you feel your eyelids getting heavier as the voices in your head finally quiet down.
You pass out mere minutes after you drain the bottle of vodka dry.
It feels like some hours have passed when you wake up to the feel of fingers combing through your hair and something tracing lightly along your face. Your eyes slowly flutter open as a groan leaves your lips when you feel the pounding at your temples. You slowly sit up and almost fall over when the whole world starts spinning too quickly. Your head feels like it’s being jackhammered and your mouth feels so disgusting that you swore off drinking right at that moment.
With your mind being too hazy from the alcohol and your body experiencing the aftermath of drinking too much, you fail to notice the other person sitting by the couch on the floor. It isn’t until she takes a seat on the couch beside you that you realize that you're no longer alone. You see Sheena looking at you with worry-and-guilt-filled eyes and all you can do is close your own as you rest your head against the backrest of the couch.
You feel the couch dip beside you as Sheena moves about. You’re surprised when she takes a seat on your lap but you keep your eyes closed. A few moments later, you feel deft and skilled fingers massaging your temples. You let out a sigh of relief and you hear Sheena choke a bit. It must be the alcohol in your breath, you figured.
Sighing, you reach up to take a hold of her wrists, stopping all of their movement. Opening your eyes slowly, you see her looking at you intensely. Her gaze was too overwhelming, so you avert your gaze only for it to land on her lips.
“I think it’s best for me to take a shower right now, Shee,” you say, still unable to meet her gaze.
You’re quite surprised you aren’t fumbling with your words at all.
“It might help sober me up. And get rid of the disgusting smell of alcohol on my body as well.”
Sheena doesn’t respond, but she does climb off your lap and stands up. She grabs your hand and pulls you to stand as well. You let her pull you to a standing position and you even let her drag you towards the bathroom inside the room the two of you shared. She makes you stand by the doorway, leaning against the frame.
And you just watch as she bustles about the space, filling the tub with lukewarm water and putting in oils and fragrances in the bubble bath. She walks back to you once all the prep is done, reaching for your hands again before pulling you towards the tub. She makes you sit on the edge, gently cupping your cheeks and leaning down to plant a lingering kiss on your forehead.
“Happy birthday, Mikhs. I’m so, so sorry I’m late,” she mumbles against your skin.
You just let out another sigh as you tell her that it’s fine.
“Magluto lang ako ng breakfast natin. Tawag ka lang if may kailangan ka, okay?”
You nod your head.
She smiles.
“Mahal kita, Mikha.”
Her tone is light, but there's a deep, lingering look in her eyes as she stares at you. Feeling another wave of nausea hit, you send a small smile her way before closing your eyes to stop the world from spinning.
“I love you too, Shee. So much.”
You must be a masochist, you think to yourself.
A masochist and a martyr.
“Sure ka na ba talaga dito, Mikhs?” Maloi asks as she takes a seat beside you.
A wry smile paints your lips as you let your gaze wander about the venue you rented out just for the night. The two of you have spent the whole day decorating the place, and you’re very thankful to Maloi for being a good friend and helping you out.
There’s a small round table for two in the middle of the room, where a set of three candles are sitting at the center. Rose petals are scattered all over the table and around the whole place. The windows in the room are all floor to ceiling too, giving you the perfect view of the night sky outside.
The stars are shining brightly and there isn’t a single cloud in the sky. The overall ambiance of the place is romantic – what you have been aiming for in the first place. You feel somewhat accomplished yet heartbroken at the same time. A sigh leaves your lips as you realize that yes, you are going to do this tonight.
“Yes. It’s for the best. For everyone. We just can’t keep going like this.”
You look out the window at the stars as you feel that familiar ache in your chest again. You shake your head to shake the thoughts away.
“Anyway, nahanap niyo naman siya, right? You found Gwen?”
“Yeah, I did.”
It was Maloi’s turn to smile wryly.
“Susunduin ko siya mamaya. I can’t believe this is happening again. At sayo pa talaga, of all people.”
A sigh.
And then you’re leaning your head against her shoulder as tears fall from your eyes. Maloi doesn’t say anything, just wraps her arms around you as she lets you cry into her shoulder, just like how you did for her all those years ago. A few minutes pass, yet the two of you remain like that – not a single word spoken even after you’ve stopped crying.
The silence is only disrupted when your phone chimes, signaling a message. It’s from Sheena, telling you that she’s arriving soon.
You and Maloi finally get up from your seats and the older woman gives you one last hug before she bids you goodbye to go and fulfill one of your requests. You walk towards the windows once Maloi leaves, letting the sight of the stars distract you as you wait for Sheena’s arrival.
You didn’t have to wait long because not even five minutes had passed when you heard the click clack of heels against the hardwood floors. Slowly turning around, your breath gets caught in your throat when your gaze finally lands on Sheena.
Sheena’s wearing a black, strapless dress that ends just above her knees and hugs her body like second skin. There’s a small red clutch bag in her left hand and she’s wearing red heels on her feet. Her long, black hair falls perfectly past her shoulders, and she’s wearing light makeup, just how you like it on her.
The silver necklace with the heart-shaped pendant on her neck – one you recognize as your gift to her on her birthday a couple of months ago – catches your attention and everything about her just makes you fall so hopelessly in love all over again.
A smile breaks out on Sheena’s lips when her gaze settles on you and the happiness you see in her eyes looks so genuine that you couldn’t help but smile back. She starts slowly walking towards you, so you turn on your heels and walk to her as well, meeting her halfway.
There were huge smiles on both of your faces when you stopped a couple of feet in front of each other. She’s just looking up at you with those doe eyes of hers and you can’t help but get lost in them.
“Hi,” you breathe out in a greeting.
It’s been so long since the two of you spent quality time with each other like this and you can't deny that you missed her so, so much.
“Hey,” she greets back, smile growing even wider.
You reach a hand up, cupping her cheek softly, lovingly, as you let your gaze take in every single detail of her face like it would be the last time you would be doing this. And you bitterly think to yourself that this may really be the last time.
“I had the chefs prepare your favorite dishes tonight. Gusto mo na bang kumain?” you ask, gesturing to the table romantically set up for two.
You hear her quietly squeal as she nods her head excitedly. A smile breaks out on your lips. Cute , you think to yourself.
You pull out the chair for her, just like how you always do when the two of you eat out, and you spot the faint blush blooming on her cheeks as she sits down with a soft ‘thank you’ falling from her lips. You smile at that, and you round the table to take a seat as well.
A waiter comes in a couple of minutes later, carrying a tray with your food on it. You both thank him after he puts down all of the plates on your table, and conversation flows between the two of you easily after that. You both have been very busy the past few weeks and she hasn’t been going home to your apartment as much, claiming that she’s been sleeping over at a friend's place.
Stories are exchanged and shared over plates of warm, delicious food and good wine, and you’re both having a good time. The conversation carries over even long after you both finish your food, and you feel glad that she seems to be happy. But then you remember the main purpose of tonight and your heart just plummets at the thought of possibly hurting her again.
There’s a lull in your conversation after you both finish the bottle of wine set out for you, and the silence isn’t at all unwelcome or uncomfortable. Sheena is just staring outside the window, marveling at the stars whilst you marvel at her beauty.
“Sheena . . .”
She tears her gaze from the windows and turns to look at you again, her gaze so innocent and her smile so warm and welcoming and you just melt. She smiles, and you find yourself falling for her deeper than you can actually imagine.
“Do you wanna dance?”
Her smile widens as she nods her head excitedly. You think it’s cute, how she can be so excited by the simplest of things, and you figure that it’s what makes her endearing to everybody. A smile tugs at your lips as you stand up, walking to the sound system by one corner of the room so you can play some soft, slow music that the two of you can dance to.
You walk back to the table and stand beside Sheena, offering your hand for her to take. She grins again before she places her hand in yours and you gently pull her up into a standing position. You just love how she’s all smiles throughout the evening.
The two of you walk hand in hand towards the dance floor, stopping at a spot close to the windows so you both have a perfect view of the beautiful scenery outside. She’s a whole lot more beautiful than the view outside though, you think to yourself as you wrap both of her arms around your neck while you put your hands on her waist.
The two of you start to gently sway to the music, getting lost in the moment where no one and nothing else matters but each other. You stare into each other’s eyes, smiles never leaving your faces. And for a moment, you forget all about the pain and heartbreak and bitterness caused by the past couple of months. You throw caution to the wind and, for a moment, just let yourself get lost in the feeling of having her in your arms like this.
The night is slowly coming to a close, and no matter how much you want to slow down the time just so you can be with her for a little longer, you’re left with no choice but to proceed with what was originally planned for this evening. As soon as you hear the start of the last song in your playlist, when the opening notes to Adele’s All I Ask wafts through the air, you pull her closer to you so that your bodies are flush against each other's.
You close your eyes and nuzzle the side of her head with your nose as you take a deep inhale. You let your lungs burn with her familiar scent, thinking for a moment whether doing so would etch her scent into your memory.
She hugs you back just as tightly, probably confused as to why you’re acting like this right now. And you tighten your arms around her when you feel her pulling back. You continue to dance to the music, guiding her movements as the two of you swayed in perfect harmony. It’s nice being able to dance like this with her. Yet it's heartbreaking at the same time for this might just be your last.
“Hey, Shee?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you. So, so much. Thank you for giving me the chance to experience how it feels like to love you and to be loved by you. The past two years I have spent with you have been the best years of my life. I know I’m not perfect, and that I’ve made a lot of mistakes and had a lot of shortcomings throughout the years. Sorry sa lahat ng mga pagkakataon na nasaktan kita, whether they were intentional or not. I still can’t forgive myself for causing you pain and tears.”
You open your eyes slowly and reach for her arms to loosen their hold around your neck so you can step back a little to face her. A sad smile pulls at your lips when you see the confusion in her eyes, so you lean forward to place a lingering kiss on her forehead.
Look, don't get me wrong
I know there is no tomorrow
All I ask is
If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do
It matters how this ends
'Cause what if I never love again?
“Thank you so much for all the times that you’ve been patient with me, and for loving me despite constantly feeling like I never reciprocated your feelings just as much. Pero Shee, I do love you. I love you more than I can love anything else in this world. And it's because I love you so much that I'm doing this. You honestly deserve all the love and happiness in the world and I know I don’t provide those for you anymore.”
Her eyes widen comically in surprise as her mouth hangs open in the slightest. She’s looking at you with a disbelieving and shocked expression and all you can do is show her a shaky, sad smile as tears begin to roll down your cheeks. You see tears pool in her eyes as well so you kiss her forehead once again.
Pulling back, some movement by the entrance of the room catches your attention. There, you see a pretty girl with short hair and almond eyes, her gaze on you and Sheena. Your heart shatters inside your chest once you realize who she is. Gwen Apuli. The person who now holds the key to Sheena’s heart.
Sheena notices you staring at the entrance so she turns her head to see what you’re looking at. Her eyes widen even more when she sees Gwen by the door, and her mouth opens and closes repeatedly like a fish out of water. She then turns her head harshly towards you, and you’re afraid for a moment that she got whiplash. But then she’s gripping your shoulders, hard, her nails digging into your skin painfully.
“Bakit?” she asks in a strained voice, eyes filled with anguish as big, fat tears fell from them in succession.
“Bakit mo ginagawa to, Mikha?”
“You deserve to be happy, Shee. And alam ko naman na hindi ka na masaya sa akin. Siya na yung nagpapasaya sayo, diba? Doing this hurts so much – I feel like I’m dying right at this moment – but your happiness has always been my top priority. You love her and she loves you and . . . And this is just the right thing to do.”
You break away from your hug and pull a still-shocked Sheena towards Gwen who was frozen by the door. You face Gwen and she looks up to meet your gaze, her eyes reflecting nothing but confusion and fear. You smile sadly at her, grabbing one of her hands and one of Sheena’s before you make them hold each other’s hands.
“Please take care of her and love her with all of your heart. She deserves nothing less,” you tell Gwen, your voice shaky and thick with emotion.
You turn to look at Sheena one last time, and your gaze gets fixated on her face again. She looks dazed, but she’s so, so beautiful and your heart is beating rapidly inside of your chest as you stare at her. She’s so beautiful and you love her so much but everything just hurts so much that it's getting hard to breathe. You cup Sheena’s face tenderly one last time, letting your thumbs caress her cheeks for the briefest of moments.
“Be happy, you two.”
And then you’re running out of that place before either one of them wakes up from their daze. You run as fast as you can, willing your limbs to take you outside as soon as possible. You see Maloi’s car waiting for you outside the building so you make a mad dash towards it, hurriedly getting inside whilst shouting for the older woman to drive you away from that place.
Maloi heeds your request, backing up the car and driving away from the establishment as fast as legally allowed. She remains quiet in her seat, not saying nor asking anything whilst she drives, letting you sob out loud in your anguish. You curl up on the passenger seat, not even bothering to put your seatbelt on as you cry your heart out. Everything just hurts so much.
Half an hour later and Maloi is pulling over outside her apartment building. She parks the car yet none of you make a move to alight the vehicle. She unbuckles her seatbelt so she can face you. You look up at her, tears still falling from your bloodshot eyes, nose red and puffy, and cheeks flushed. She reaches her hands out to cup your cheeks and wipe at your tears with her thumbs.
“It hurts. So much,” you rasp out, voice dripping with nothing but pain and heartbreak.
All Maloi could manage is the slightest hint of a ghost of a smile.
“I know,” she says simply, calmly.
Yet the haunted look in her eyes tells you that she is anything but calm on the inside.
If anything, you think she’s hurting just as much as you. She has, after all, experienced the same thing a couple of years back when she let go of Jhoanna so that the latter could be with Aiah. She decided to move here after that, and as her best friend, you kind of just went along with her. The two of you haven’t heard from Jhoanna or Aiah since.
And now, you understand how Maloi felt that night.
“Will this pain ever stop? Have you stopped hurting?” you ask, desperation dripping from your voice.
Maloi could only sigh and slightly shake her head.
“No. My heart still feels like it’s being ripped every time I think of her. But I’ve learned to deal with it better as time passed by.”
You close your eyes as you snuggle further into the seat. Maloi sighs again, and she alights from the car first so she can guide you out as well, holding you close as the two of you make your way into her apartment unit.
You head straight to her room and once inside, you fall on her bed, curling in on yourself as you sobbed some more. You felt the bed dip behind you and the next thing you know, Maloi is spooning you from behind and holding you close as you wail from all the hurt.
And as you lay there being held together by your best friend, you find yourself hoping that like Maloi's, this pain would fade away with time.