Chapter Text
Karamatsu wasn't sure what he actually looked like, no matter how long he stared at himself via his pocket mirror.
He wasn't exactly sure when was the last time he did not feel tired.
Sure, he sometimes ended up staying up much longer than he planned, but even if he did go to sleep early, take melatonins to help him fall asleep faster, it didn't have any positive effect.
His guess was that this was 'special' kind of tiredness, one he has heard people on internet talk about. It was something that couldn't simply be cured with regular sleep. Now, he wasn't exactly sure when was the last time he hadn't felt completely numb either. He wasn't sure if he actually enjoyed the rare, happy moments with his brothers or not. He would go days without really caring what happened around him.
Everyday was exactly the same, a routine of some sort that contained waking up, eating, spending time alone and sometimes with brothers, going back to sleep. Rise and repeat.
He had lost some of his interest on playing his guitar too, but managed to bring himself up to roof to play if Jyushimatsu requested it.
His other brothers though, treated him like air, like he didn't exist. And sometimes he almost believed it too, until someone would insult him, they all would say something mean that he would just brush off with a laugh. He was sure that there was something extremely wrong with him if his own brothers didn't like his precense. He wished that they liked him, he wished he was wrong, but he wasn't sure anymore. He loved them so much despite all this though. He wanted them to be happy, enjoy their lives. He wished not to burden them with his own problems.
Back in drama club in school, his classmates had told him that he was good at acting, which came handy in present life. None of his brothers seemed to notice anything weird about him, or at least he hoped that they wouldn't. His parents knew though, all of it, had known for a while and asked him to go talk to psychologist or therapist. He did what was asked, but it honestly didn't seem to help much. It was nice to get all out of system every now and then but, he wasn't getting any better and the anti depressants didn't really have any effect either anymore. He still went to appointments, but not as usual as at start. He wished for something to happen that would break him from his daily autopilot like routine. It was starting to wear him down really bad.
Today was a beautiful day. It was spring, birds were singing and sun was shining. Today too, Karamatsu was sitting at roof of his and his' family's home, and he stared up at the almost cloudless sky.
He lifted his mirror, that he was holding at his left hand, and looked at himself trough it. Try as he might, he wasn't sure if the person looking back was him at all. The person in reflection felt like stranger, not him.
He often kept staring at his mirror, hoping to get some verification that this was him. That he was actually there. But it didn't work very well. He just started to feel more uncomfortable, up to point where he just had to put the mirror back down. He'd rather stare at the sun trough a telescope than look at his reflection again for a while. His body felt disgusting, violated beyond repair. Even though his memories were blurry, he wished not to remember anything that happened to him in past that ruined him. He felt sick to his stomach and hoped to be able to bring himself down from roof and out with his brothers for a drink. It was one of few things that made him feel temporarily better. Forget it all.
It was a beautiful day today.
Matsuno Karamatsu was not okay.