Chapter Text
"There’s nothing to tell! He’s just some guy I work with!" Monica exclaimed.
"C’mon, you’re going out with the guy! There’s gotta be something wrong with him!" Joey said.
"So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?" Chandler asked.
"Does he have some crazy stutter?" I asked.
"Wait, does he eat chalk?" Phoebe asked, the other starring at her, "Just, ’cause, I don’t want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!"
"Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It’s just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex," Monica said.
"Sounds like a date to me," Chandler said.
After a while Chandler starts to explain one of his dreams.
"Alright, so I’m back in high school, I’m standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked," Chandler explained.
"Oh, yeah. Had that dream," I said.
"Then I look down, and I realise there’s a phone... there," Chandler said.
"Instead of...?" Joey asked.
"That’s right."
"Never had that dream," I said.
Chandler went on, "All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. And it turns out it’s my mother, which is very weird, because... she never calls me!"
Later Ross entered the coffee shop looking depressed.
"Hi," Ross, sounding very sad, said.
"This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself," Joey said.
"I know right!" I exclaimed.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" Monica asked.
"I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck..." Ross said.
"Cookie?" Chandler offered.
Monica turned to everyone, "Carol moved her stuff out today."
"Oh that's terrible!" I said.
"Let me get you some coffee," Monica told Ross.
"Ooh! Oh!" Phoebe started, plucking at the air around Ross' head.
"No, no don’t! Stop cleansing my aura!" Ross said trying to stop Phoebe as she continued, "No, just leave my aura alone, okay? I’ll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she’ll be very happy."
"No you don’t!" I piped up.
"No I don’t, to hell with her, she left me!" Ross exclaimed.
"And you never knew she was a lesbian...?" Joey asked.
"No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn’t know, how should I know?" Ross exclaimed exasperated.
"Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian," Chandler said casually. Everyone turned to stare at him, "Did I say that out loud?"
"Alright Ross, look. You’re feeling a lot of pain right now. You’re angry. You’re hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?" Ross motioned for Joey to continue, "Strip joint! C’mon, you’re single! Have some hormones!"
"I don’t want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!"
Suddenly the door to the coffee shop opened, and a brown haired girl in a wet wedding dress came rushing in looking around the room.
"And I just want a million dollars!" Chandler exclaimed extending his hand out as if the money would appear.
Monica instantly recognized the girl, "Rachel?!"
"Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren’t there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!" Rachel said happily.
"Can I get you some coffee?" A waitress asked.
"De-caff," Monica said pointing to Rachel.
"Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor," Monica turned to Rachel and continued, lThis is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Y/n, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?"
"Hi, sure!" Rachel said walkin towards Ross.
"Hi," Ross says and tries to hug the girl but his umbrella opens and he gives up and sits down.
Rachel sits down and everyone looks at her, waiting for her to explain what happened.
"So you wanna tell us now?" Monica asked.
"Yeah, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids too?" I asked amused.
"Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamaze gravy boat. When all of a sudden-" a waitress interrupts Rachel's speech bringing her coffee.
"Sweet ’n’ Lo?" She asked before continuing her story, "I realised that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that’s when it hit me, how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y’know, I mean, he always looked familiar, but ... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering ’Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?’" She turned to Monica, "Anyway, I just didn’t know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you’re the only person I knew who lived here in the city."
"Who wasn’t invited to the wedding," Monica reminded.
"Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn’t be an issue."
Later that day, everyone went up to Monica's apartment and started watching a Spanish soap opera that was on the television.
"Now I’m guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she’s really not happy about it." Monica said.
In the background Rachel was talking to her father over the phone, "Daddy, I just... I can’t marry him! I’m sorry. I just don’t love him. Well, it matters to me!"
"Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants." Chandler said talking about one of the girls on the tv.
"I say push her down the stairs!" I exclaimed.
Suddenly everyone started shouting at the tv, "Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!" The lady was finally pushed and everyone started cheering.
Rachel was still arguing with her dad, "C’mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, ’You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe, you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe!’. And today I just stopped and I said, ’What if I don’t wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y’know? Or a- or a hat! No, I’m not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I’m saying I am a ha- It’s a metaphor, Daddy!"
"You can see where he’d have trouble." Ross said sarcastically.
"Guys, I think she doesn't want to be a shoe..." I whispered to the group.
Chandler and Monica smiled at me.
"Look Daddy, it’s my life," There was a slight paused and then Rachel continued, "Well maybe I’ll just stay here with Monica."
"Well, I guess we’ve established who’s staying here with Monica," Monica said.
Rachel continued, "Well, maybe that’s my decision. Well, maybe I don’t need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!"
The phone hung up and Rachel eventually made it over to the couch where I gave her a paper bag since she was starting to hyperventilate.
"Just breathe, breathe.. that’s it. Just try to think of nice calm things," Monica said trying to relax her.
Phoebe leaned over the couch and started singing, "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens-" Rachel, Monica and I look at her, "-bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la..."
Rachel stopped her quickly, "I’m all better now."
Phoebe grinned and walked over to Chandler and Joey who were in the kitchen, "I helped!"
"Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y’know?" Monica said to Rachel.
"Yeah, you will have independence, get to take control of your life," I said.
Joey walked up behind them, "And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he’s away a lot."
"Joey, stop hitting on her! It’s her wedding day!" I exclaimed.
"What, like there’s a rule or something?"
Suddenly the door buzzer goes off and chandler goes to get it, "Please don’t do that again, it’s a horrible sound."
A voice comes through the buzzer, "It’s, uh, it’s Paul."
"Buzz him in!" Monica exclaimed.
"Who’s Paul?" Joey asked.
"Yeah, I don't remember a Paul," I said trying to think back to the guys Monica had mentioned.
"Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?" Ross asked.
"Maybe," Monica said.
"Oh that Paul!" I exclaimed finally remembering.
"Wait. Your ’not a real date’ tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?" Joey asked.
"He finally asked you out?" Ross asked.
"Yes!" Monica exclaimed.
"Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment," said Chandler. I smiled at him.
"Rach, wait, I can cancel..." started Monica.
"Please, no, go, that’d be fine!" Rachel said.
Monica turned to Ross, "Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?"
Ross sounded choked up, "That’d be good."
Monica sounded horrified, "Really?"
Ross smiled and sounded normal again, "No, go on! It’s Paul the Wine Guy!"
Suddenly someone knocks on the door, Monica goes to get it. Whiles she is answering, everyone lines up at the door.
"Hi, come in! Paul, this is.." Monica looked at everyone, "Everybody, everybody, this is Paul." Everyone said their hellos to him.
"I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name. Paul, was it?" Chandler asked sarcastically.
"Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can’t be good," Phoebe says, Rachel and I look at her funny.
Ross turns to Rachel, "So Rachel, what’re you, uh... what’re you up to tonight?"
"Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!"
"Right, you’re not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your-" Ross paused and thinks, "-big lizards... Anyway, if you don’t feel like being alone tonight, Joey, Y/n, and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture."
"Yes, and we’re very excited about it," Chandler deadpans.
"Ah yes, so very excited," I added.
"Well actually thanks, but I think I’m just gonna hang out here tonight.." Rachel said.
"Okay, sure."
Joey turned to Phoebe, "Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?"
"Oh, I wish I could, but I don’t want to."
Later that evening the guys and I were at Ross's apartment helping build some furniture.
Ross was crouching on the floor reading instructions, "I’m supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs."
Meanwhile Chandler, Joey, and I were building a bookcase that was somewhat completed.
"What’s this?" Joey asked, I shrugged.
"I have no idea." Chandler said.
Joey tosses whatever it was aside, "Done with the bookcase!"
"All finished!" Chandler added.
Ross walked around the corner holding a beer can and sniffling a bit, "This was Carol’s favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known."
"Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?" Joey asked.
"You guys." Answered Ross.
"Oh, man," Chandler and I said at the same time.
"You got screwed," said Joey.
The group sat down, "You know what the scariest part is? What if there’s only one woman for everybody, y’know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that’s it?" Ross said sadly.
"Unfortunately in your case, there was only one woman for her," I giggled.
"What are you talking about? ’One woman’?" Joey started, "That’s like saying there’s only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There’s lots of flavors out there. There’s Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get ’em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married,"
"Yeah, you were, like, what, eight?" I chimed in.
"Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!" Joey exclaimed.
"I honestly don’t know if I’m hungry or horny," Ross said.
"Stay out of my freezer!" Chandler said.
Ross scoffed, "Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve grabbed a spoon? Do the words ’Billy, don’t be a hero’ mean anything to you? Y’know, here’s the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask?"
"There's always Rachel..." I started and Ross looked at me in disbelief, "No hear me out, you've been in love with her since the 9th grade. I mean here she comes waltzing back in your life, don't you think now would be a good time to... Oh I don't know, ask her out!" I exclaimed.
The next morning Rachel was making coffee for Chandler, Joey, and I.
"Isn’t this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life," Rachel said pleased with herself.
"That is amazing," said Chandler.
"Congratulations. And while you’re on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelette or something-" Joey started but once he tasted the coffee he took his words back, and the three poured the rest of their coffee in the potted plant on the table, "Although actually I’m really not that hungry."
Monica walked out of her room, "Morning. Good morning," Paul followed close behind.
"Morning," Paul said.
"Morning Paul," Joey said.
"Morning," I said.
"Hello, Paul," Rachel greeted.
"Hi, Paul, is it?" Chandler smirked.
Once Monica is distracted telling Paul goodbye at the door, the three move the table closer to the door so they could try to hear the conversation. They see the two kiss.
"That wasn’t a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?" Joey asked once Monica walked back in the apartment.
"Shut up, and put my table back," Monica said.
"Okay!" The three of us exclaim as we put the table back where it was.
"All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don’t input those numbers,... it doesn’t make much of a difference..." Chandler realized.
"So, like, you guys all have jobs?" Rachel asked.
"Yeah, we all have jobs," Monica replied.
"Yeah. that’s how we buy stuff. I'm a middle school English teacher," I said.
"Yeah, I’m an actor," Joey said.
"Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?" Rachel asked amazed.
"I doubt it. Mostly regional work," Joey replied.
"Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns’ production of Pinocchio," Monica said.
"’Look, Gippetto, I’m a real live boy.’" Chandler imitated.
"I will not take this abuse," Joey said and walked toward the door opening it."
"You’re right, I’m sorry," Chandler said, but then he started to singsong and dance out the door, "’Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..’"
Monica turned to Rachel, "So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can’t stop smiling."
"I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth," Rachel replied.
"Yeah, you're smiling like an idiot," I said.
"I know, he’s just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?" Monica asked.
"Oh, yeah," Rachel replied.
"Well, it’s like that. With feelings."
"Oh wow. Are you in trouble."
"Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I’m just gonna get up and go to work," said Monica, heading for the door.
"Ooh, wish me luck!" Rachel exclaimed, I stared at her confused.
"What for?" asked Monica who was equally as confused as I was.
"I’m gonna go get one of those job things," Rachel said.
"Have fun with that," I replied.
Later that evening, everyone but Rachel was at the coffee house discussing Monica's love-life.
"Of course it was a line!" exclaimed Joey.
"Even I wouldn't have trusted it! I mean seriously what guy would be so crushed about a girl leaving them that they can't perform sexually for two whole years?" I asked.
"Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?" asked Monica.
"I assume we’re looking for an answer more sophisticated than ’to get you into bed’," said Ross.
"Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?" Monica asked sadly.
"All right, c’mere, gimme your feet," Phoebe said and started massaging them once Monica sat down.
"I just thought he was nice, y’know?"
There was a bit of silence that was cut short when Joey started laughing, "I can’t believe you didn’t know it was a line!"
Suddenly the door opened and Rachel ran in with a shopping bag.
"Guess what?" She asked.
"You got a job?" Ross asked.
"Are you kidding? I’m trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today."
"And yet you’re surprisingly upbeat," Chandler observed.
"You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!" Rachel exclaimed.
"Oh, how well you know me," said Chandler.
"They’re my new ’I don’t need a job, I don’t need my parents, I’ve got great boots’ boots!"
"Wow they are so cute!" I exclaimed.
"How’d you pay for them?" asked Monica.
"Uh, credit card."
"And who pays for that?"
"Um... my... father."
"Rachel! You have to stop living off your parents at some point," I said.
The group then headed back up to Monica's apartment and placed Rachel's credit cards on the table along with a pair of scissors.
"C’mon, you can’t live off your parents your whole life," said Monica.
"I know that. That’s why I was getting married."
"Give her a break," Phoebe began, "It's hard being on your own for the first time."
"Thank you," said Rachel.
"You’re welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn’t know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windows outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel," Phoebe said, there was a silence that followed her statement.
"The word you’re looking for is ’Anyway’..." said Ross.
"You ready?" asked Monica
"I don’t think so."
"C’mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut..." Ross started.
The rest of them joined in, "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..." Rachel eventually cut all the cards up and everyone cheered.
"Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You’re gonna love it!" Monica said.
Later that night Monica, Rachel, Ross, and I were piled up in the living room watching a random movie which had just finished.
"Well, that’s it," said Monica.
Rachel looked to Ross and asked, "You gonna crash on the couch?"
"No. No, I gotta go home sometime."
"You be okay?" Monica asked.
"Yeah."
"We are here if you need us," I patted Ross' hand.
"Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor," Rachel said.
"What?"
Rachel held out a shiny watch.
"That’s Paul’s watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody," Monica said, stomping on the watch as she headed to her room.
"Well goodnight, I'm going to go back to my place," I smiled.
"Night!" The two said.
I headed back to my apartment which was right next to Joey and Chandler's. When I got in I realized that I had left my purse on the counter at Mon's. When I walked back in, Ross was on his way out looking quite happy.
"What's with you?" I asked.
"I just grabbed a spoon."
The next day in the coffee house the group was chatting away.
"I can’t believe what I’m hearing here," said Joey.
Phoebe starred singsonging, "I can’t believe what I’m hearing here..."
"What? I-I said you had a-" Monica started.
"What I said..." Phoebe copied still singing.
Monica turned to Phoebe, "Would you stop?"
"Oh, was I doing it again?"
"Would anybody like more coffee?" Rachel asked waking up with a pot of coffee in her hand.
"Did you make it, or are you just serving it?" Chandler asked.
"I’m just serving it."
"I’ll have a cup of coffee then," I handed my cup over.
"Kids, new dream... I’m in Las Vegas. I’m Liza Minnelli-" Chandler started.