Chapter Text
To outsiders, a job at the Armed Detective Agency seems like not only a hassle, but much more exciting than their average, boring, repetitive lives. And sure, if you were to ask the right detectives, they would agree with this statement. However, one certain detective would completely disagree. This worker, who meticulously creates the most detailed schedules, relies on order to thrive and cope, and is the manifestation of the epitome of perfectionism—would be the one detective who disagrees.
Doppo Kunikida.
It was common knowledge to Kunikida's coworkers that people like Osamu Dazai annoyed him to wits end. To be fair, Dazai did have a way of getting under one's skin, and most certainly had some irritating qualities. If you were to tell anybody who knew Doppo that he was in a relationship with someone even remotely similar to Osamu Dazai, they would go into shock—or have an aneurysm.
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December 4th, 2012
According to Kunikida, all catastrophes and messes start from one place; Osamu Dazai. Throughout all the days Kunikida has worked with this man, his point has been proved time and time again. However, one certain catastrophe led into something nobody would suspect, not even Kunikida.
As always, Kunikida was diligently working at his desk, trying to ignore the fact that Dazai was supposedly playing games on his phone. Did Dazai really think he could hide the fact that he was playing during working hours? Especially with him giggling, obviously looking down at his lap, and the glow of his phone bathing both part of him and part of his desk in unnatural white light?
To yell at Dazai, shake him by the shoulders, and strangle him was a strong urge in Kunikida. But alas, Doctor Yosano had taught him techniques to restrain his anger. Deep breaths, counting to ten, all different methods to prevent Kunikida from strangling Dazai—not that Dazai would mind, of course.
However, Kunikida's methods were starting to fail. He tries something else, attempting to ground himself by observing his surroundings, which happened to be the cluster of desks; Dazai's, Kunikida's, Atsushi's, and Kyouka's.
That's when Kunikida realized two things. Kunikida's new cellphone, which had been perched atop a stack of papers, was missing. Dazai's cellphone was on Dazai's desk, untouched and turned off—yet Dazai was still playing video games.
Anger bubbled up in Kunikida, all his calming methods forgotten and discarded like the work he was doing seconds ago...
"DAZAI!!!"
Hands rushed to the bandaged man's throat, violently shaking him back and forth, causing him to drop Kunikida's green cellphone. Kunikida's words were pretty much incoherent, but one could infer the context at first glance. Dazai spoke up, unfazed.
"What's the matter, Kunikida-kun?" The teasing lilt of his voice was unmistakable, especially as he continued. "All I was doing was helping! This makes me sad, Kunikida. You should be thankful that your handsome, smart, amazing coworker decided to do something for your own good." Dazai's lips formed into an adorable pout, although Kunikida thought it was the most unattractive, disturbing visual of Osamu yet.
Before Kunikida could continue yelling, he froze, confused. What did Dazai mean by "helping him"? It obviously had to do with whatever Dazai did on the phone, which made Kunikida question to what extent Dazai had "helped."
"Dazai... What the hell do you mean."
Dazai smirked, and replied with a tone both enthusiastic yet nonchalant, "Oh y'know, I installed a dating app on that new phone of yours. I can't believe how long it took for you to finally get a real phone, instead of that crappy flip phone. Anyways, be happy Kunikida-kun! Now you'll finally pull bitc-"
"Dazai! Please refrain from cursing in our workplace.", Kunikida cut him off, slightly flustered, but still angry. Despite the irritation and annoyance, Kunikida knew all he had to do was delete the app, and everything would be fine.
Kunikida attempted his calming methods once more, taking a deep, cleansing breath. He walked around the desks, over to Dazai's space, and bent down to retrieve his stolen, dropped phone.
Now, all he had to do was delete the dating app. Kunikida struggled to even turn on his cellphone, in a way that an old man would, with no knowledge at how to operate the cellular device. However, when he finally did turn on his cellphone, it was already on the dating app. At this point, he genuinely didn't care, until something caught his eye. There were messages already, with one other user he matched.
Nikolai Gogol.