Archive of Our Own

Her voice was a feather brushing against Kaede's ear. Aside from the ambient whooshing of the air conditioner, it was the only sound suspending itself in the bedroom's confines. 

"Kae, I wish I had the strength to conceal myself."

A weary sigh escaped Kaede's throat. "Honestly, I'd give anything to be free like you. You may be three years older than me, but you still think like a child sometimes."

Her exhalation did little to kill a burden - one which remained felt despite being invisible. She gave Mayu a gentle pat on her head. "Not that you're childish, but you're still so...innocent. Too innocent, I might say."

Kaede could barely resist the urge to check her hand for Mayu's coconut scented shampoo.

"They all say I'm childish, and I think so too myself. I overreact all the time. It makes me feel like I'm being too much. I hide too little," Mayu shifted the blanket to cover her face. "Is it ever worth it, being the only real girl in such a fake world?"

The younger girl felt a hand brush against her side. She took it without thinking, holding it with no intention of letting go.

"I'll try to stop. For you. I don't wish to flash fake smiles anymore...if doing so means hurting you," Kaede squeezed the older girl's hand. It lay cold in her grasp. Perhaps, transferring heat to Mayu could help Kaede forget about the sheer lack of warmth in her own heart. 

She felt around the bed in search of her otter plushie, only to catch sight of its outline atop the older girl's form. The stuffed animal rised and fell to the rhythm of Mayu's steady breathing.

"Don't say that, Kae. You're not a fake, and you never were one," Mayu affirmed with the optimistic certainty of a child who had yet to see the world. A fizzling spectrum of rainbow colours shone in her irises, and Kaede did not need light to see it. "In fact, you'll always be the realest thing in my life."

Mayu turned her body to lie on her side, causing the otter plushie to slide onto Kaede's torso. The blanket now ceased to hide the older girl's face from view. Her right hand no longer lay interlocked with Kaede's left one - but the meeting of their gazes was enough to make up for it.

"You're lucky, Mayu. Lucky that you're able to call me real."

Only your eyes care to see the real me.

Am I being unfair to everyone by choosing you alone?

Mayu tentatively reached a hand out, coming so close - only to pull away immediately after. Nothing landed on Kaede's skin, which proceeded to tingle with a craving for familiarity. The sensation was nothing if not foreign. 

Kaede stiffened, engulfing the otter stuffed toy in a suffocating hug. She hoped to distract herself from the distraction lying right next to her.

"But you are real."

Kaede had her boundaries inked in bold. Despite that, her thoughts were simply blind and did not hesitate to cross the line.

You asked if you were talking too much. I said no, because I knew you had a lot to share with me. It did not matter that I wanted to be more than a mere listener. I actually wanted to help you, Mayu.

But I lied.

You heard my heart crumbling amidst my own laughter. You couldn't see through me, but I could tell from your gaze that you wanted to. You wanted to help me, Mayu. Not out of obligation and definitely not out of pity.

But I pushed you away.

"I've lied to my loved ones. I push them away...and make sure they don't get too close to what's real," Kaede admitted, her voice faltering on her last word. She could only hope for Mayu not to catch it. "Do you still believe that I would ever be as genuine as you?"

"You do that out of love, Kae. Just like how you're so in love with-"

The older girl paused, outstretching a hand once again. Kaede felt nothing on her own skin as Mayu stroked her plush toy with tender affection. That alone was enough to make her feel something.

"...this nameless otter of yours."

"Her name's Charla, and there's no way I'm in love with a literal plushie...no matter how cute she is," Kaede deadpanned, throwing her arms up. Mayu seized the opportunity to snatch the toy. She shifted closer to Kaede, filling the younger girl's senses with the familiarity of coconut shampoo. 

"Prove it. Hug me like you hugged her just now," Mayu giggled, honey laced within each word. 

Kaede could practically taste the dripping sweetness. She forced a pout, hoping to stop herself from succumbing to it. "You're jealous of a stuffed otter," her lips involuntarily curved into a subtle grin. 

"And you're jealous of my so-called innocence which may not even be real," Mayu countered airily, as if she were recounting a daydream to herself. Kaede proceeded to squeeze the otter plushie - a second before realising it was back in Mayu's possession.

At that moment, Kaede could swear that the temperature had dropped by five degrees. Silence crept in through the gap between the door and the floor, trying and failing to take over the room.

Mayu's breathing was now audible. It had lost its earlier consistency, speeding up and hitching every now and then. This was something new and uneven. 

Kaede could only blame herself.

"Mayu, I'm sor-"

"It's fine. I shouldn't have said that," a sudden surge of coolness brushed against Kaede's left arm. It lingered for no more than a split second. "I know you're not jealous."

You don't know everything.

"But what if I am? What if I'm jealous of something that isn't real?"

"You're telling me the truth," Mayu placed the stuffed otter next to Kaede's shoulder. "That alone...is proof that you're real."

A pause. Kaede could not open her mouth to speak, let alone contradict Mayu. The whooshing of the air conditioner increased by a few decibels, hoping to fill the growing void in the bedroom. 

You make me real.

The younger girl inhaled abruptly, nearly choking on the gulp of cool air. "I don't know what all this is. I can't tell real from fake anymore. There's a little monster...fighting to free itself from me."

"You're not alone. We're creating a monster," Mayu whispered. The sound softly caressed Kaede's ears as if it held a fragile secret. Perhaps, the secret did not lie within the words. The words themselves were the secret.

After all, the world saw the bubbly and exuberant Mayu who was told to show less. The world saw the composed and enigmatic Kaede who was told to hide less. The world only ever saw and judged. 

The world had never known of the monster who lived in two girls' hearts at once. It was a secret. Their secret.

"I feel it chasing us. All the time," Kaede confided, clenching her fists over the cotton blanket. She felt a touch meet her slightly starved skin. It radiated hesitation, fear and too much life to be her plush otter.

Mayu's grip grew in certainty, gradually tightening like a protective embrace around Kaede's wrist. "We have to run away together. Hug me, Kae."

"The way I hugged Charla?"

Kaede did not waste a second waiting for a response. She rested her left hand on Mayu's shoulder, allowing her right arm to find its way around the older girl's back. Mayu returned the embrace in a breath.

We're pouring out different versions of the same monster for each other to see. 

Not a single word was uttered. Coupled with newfound warmth, the air conditioner's faint whispers were enough. The void did not ask to be filled. Amidst the stormy ocean of monster tears, Kaede felt anchored at long last. 

"We can't run…from the very thing which connects us."

The younger girl's eyelids grew heavy with drowsiness. Despite that, the calming scent of Mayu's shampoo lingered in her consciousness. The plush otter lay at the corner of Kaede's pillow, blissfully unaware and possibly dreaming.

"I don't wanna know anymore," Kaede pulled the blanket over her face. 

She listened as two entwined hearts beat in sync, lulling the monster to sleep for the first time in its life.