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Alec is nervous, possibly more nervous than he has ever been in his life. He’s always been horribly awkward, unlike Jace and Izzy who are comfortable in every situation no matter what the circumstance is, and that's never going to change. He's awkward on dates (not that he had ever had one before Magnus), talking one-on-one with the Clave, and in virtually every social situation he has ever been in. Alec isn’t comfortable enough with himself and other people to ever not feel nervously awkward unless he really knows who he’s talking with, and even that is sometimes a disaster waiting to happen.
Interacting with people he doesn't know 110% has never been his forte, but at least he's always been around other people - Isabelle, Jace, nowadays even Clary and Simon - who are much more adept when it comes to conversing. They make it easier, effortlessly drawing attention away from him because they have always been more interesting, and he’s okay with that. He’s never liked having the attention on him and, even though it can get a little annoying that people see him as nothing more than Jace’s shadow, he’s been okay with the fact that no one finds him interesting. He’s just Alec – the leader, the most obedient, the awkward loner, the predictable one – and he thought he’d always be just Alec.
That was until he met Magnus and suddenly became the most interesting person in the room (or at least the most interesting person in the room to Magnus). From the second Magnus saw him, he was enthralled. Alec, and basically everyone else who knows about their relationship, will never understand why Magnus is so interested in him – he’s the exact opposite of Magnus (awkward, a tad anti-social, and a strict rule follower) – but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out he is. Magnus has eyes for only Alec. Magnus asks for Alec specifically. Magnus calls Alec pretty boy (something which Alec can't admit to himself, let alone anyone else, gets him hot and bothered). Magnus has chosen Alec. Alec will never understand why Magnus finds Alec so interesting, because no one else has ever found him interesting.
And what’s worse is that Alec likes feeling interesting to Magnus. Izzy would tell him it’s not a bad thing to like feeling interesting to your boyfriend but to Alec, it kind of is. He’s never been good at wanting things for himself, after all shadowhunters aren’t supposed to want, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Not to mention he’s so used to everyone focusing on Izzy’s looks and Jace’s skills and, at least lately, Clary’s family drama that someone focusing on him for once is a dramatic change, a dramatic welcome change.
He’s never had anyone look at him like Magnus does, like he could just devour him, and Alec would be lying if he said he didn’t like it. His siblings, though they love him with everything they have, see him as an obedient “party pooper,” the Clave sees him as an emotionless weapon, his parents see him as a disappointment. Magnus once called him irresistible, a word that has never been used to describe Alec, and he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with the fact that he likes being considered irresistible by someone as magnificent as Magnus Bane.
Magnus sees him as interesting, pretty, and, probably more important than anything else, worthy. And honestly, now that he thinks about it for a second, what’s so wrong with liking the fact that someone finds him interesting? What’s wrong with the fact that someone is focused on him for a change? Alec is one of the most selfless shadowhunters alive today, he’s obeyed every order he’s ever been given since he was a child. He has always done everything the Clave and his parents have asked of him, he’s taken every punishment without complaint because he knew at the time it’s probably what he deserved (even when it wasn’t his fault), and, more importantly, he’s never complained.
Alec is a good person, a good brother, and an even better weapon. But Magnus makes him feel different, like he doesn’t have to be everything the Clave and his parents have always expected him to be and just has to be Alec. Magnus makes him feel good about himself and he should be allowed to feel good about himself every once in a while. There's nothing wrong with that. Right?
So this, sitting here and watching a movie with Magnus, brings on a whole new level of nervous energy. He knows he shouldn't be nervous, Magnus has never pushed him into doing something he doesn't want to do and is aware of Alec's insecurities. He's so patient and caring, so carefree and loving, and Alec isn’t expected to be anything other than Alec when he’s around Magnus. He, more than anyone in his life (even Izzy), has always encouraged him to be true to his self and it drives Alec wild.
No one, except for maybe his siblings, has ever been so understanding of Alec's shortcomings, of the fact that he’s not a perfectly oiled machine like the Clave want him to be. He just accepts them as canon and doesn't try to force him into getting over them like his parents and every other “sophisticated” member of the Clave expects of him. So far there hasn’t been anything about the shadowhunter that Magnus wants to change and Alec loves feeling like who he truly is is enough for someone as important to him as Magnus has become.
Alec likes Magnus so much, he's everything he's hoped for but never thought he could have. It still blows his mind that such a beautiful warlock could like him, a shadowhunter and a Lightwood no doubt. There’s nothing special about Alec, he’s one of the most boring people on earth, but Magnus looks at him like he’s exquisite. He does feel comfortable around Magnus, like he can be himself without all the pressure of being this perfectly obedient weapon used to the Clave's advantage, and Alec doesn't know what to do with it.
He knows he feels comfortable around Magnus, Magnus has never done anything to make him feel uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean Alec can just shut off his stupid brain that makes stupid observations and makes Alec feel like he’s going to screw everything up if he doesn’t work hard because he’s stupid.
Maybe that's why he's so nervous, the fact that he likes Magnus in ways he's never liked anyone before scares him more than his parents or any demon ever could. Alec's always been pretty transparent, what you see is what you get, and he's never had a problem with the person he's portrayed. He's anti-social, he can be a real ass, and he's hard headed at best. Alec is okay with this. He doesn’t have many friends, not many people like him that much, and he’s never had a single romantic partner in his life before Magnus.
That’s why the people who stick around are the people who have to stick around, he doesn't feel like he has to do much to keep them around. Maryse and Robert are his parents, Jace is his parabatai, and Izzy is his little sister. They’re obligated to feel something for him, god forbid he becomes the Lightwood’s estranged disappointment, and sometimes Alec feels like that cancels out the fact that they love him. Almost as if they only love him because they’re family. He knows that's not entirely true, but sometimes he feels like that anyway.
With Magnus it's different. Magnus doesn't have to stay with Alec, Magnus can have anything and anyone he wants. Magnus is beautiful and he’s rich (not that Alec cares about money) and he’s got hundreds of years of experience, he’s everything that anyone could ever want and more. He could walk out that door with no obligation to make appearances in Alec’s life because Magnus doesn’t have to do a damn thing that he doesn’t want to do. He could get models and celebrities and sexual deviants, people who are much more attractive and experienced than he is, but he's chosen Alec. Plain old boring Alec.
For the first time Alec feels as if he has to make an effort to keep someone he likes interested in him. And that scares him, how dependent he's become on Magnus and how willing he is to do things just to keep him around. They haven’t been going out for that long but Alec is already starting to feel dependent on him and he really doesn’t like that. The two of them have only known each other for a few months and Alec is already attached to him. It makes him feel pathetic. He knows that eventually Magnus will get tired of him, everyone does, and it’ll break his fucking heart.
"I can hear you thinking Alexander," Magnus says, glancing away from the flat screen to look at Alec. "It's quite distracting."
Though Alec knows (okay is pretty sure) that Magnus can't hear his thoughts, he still feels a stab of dread go through him. Magnus has picked up on Alec’s mental crisis and there’s no way he’s going to be happy with the fact that Alec is spiraling when they're supposed to be spending time together. They’re supposed to be watching a film together, enjoying each other’s company, and Alec, like always, is over thinking everything. Why the fuck does he have to be so annoying in every situation? Alec will always find a way to ruin everything, it’s like his curse. He can't just sit here with Magnus and enjoy the movie they're watching, he has to ruin the mood with his stupid insecurities and his stupid thoughts and his –
Suddenly Magnus is shifting next to Alec and he thinks for a few seconds that he’s really fucked up the night they’d been having, that Magnus is about to ask him to leave, when he does something surprising. Magnus shifts his body so he’s straddling Alec’s lap, ass resting gently on Alec’s knees with his legs on either side of him. It’s not the first time Magnus has sat on Alec’s lap, last week they had had a pretty intense make out session in this position, but it’s the exact opposite of what Alec thought Magnus was going to do and it makes Alec smile a little.
Magnus smooths a gentle thumb across Alec’s cheek and over his lips. Surprisingly the gentle touch feels good, helps him relax a little, and Alec’s thoughts have pretty much disappeared. Though Alec’s not entirely sure that Magnus hadn’t added a little bit of magic to that touch, Alec feels as if he’s royally fucked if a touch like that from Magnus Bane is enough to calm him down. "What's going on in that beautiful head of yours."
"I thought you could read minds," Alec says, hoping he can put enough into his tone to make sure Magnus knows he's just joking.
Magnus smiles and brushes a thumb over his cheek once more. "My sweet, I will always be able to tell when you start worrying. You want to talk about what’s bothering you?"
Alec smiles softly and bends his forehead slightly to rest on Magnus’ shoulder. He lets himself rest there, debating on whether or not he should tell Magnus the truth or try and brush it off, and eventually decides that Magnus is really good at reading Alec and he’ll know if he’s lying or not. “I guess I’m just nervous.”
Magnus pulls back at that and makes a move to get off Alec’s lap, probably figuring that he’s the one making Alec nervous, but Alec wraps his arms around Magnus’ waist to keep him there. Alec is uncomfortable with a lot of things and he’s definitely not ready to have sex yet, but he’d be lying through his teeth if he said he didn’t like the way Magnus’ weight feels across his lap.
“It’s not anything you’re doing Magnus,” Alec says, trying to reassure the warlock. “You’ve been amazing about all of this and I honestly couldn’t have been luckier to end up with someone like you.”
“Than what’s making you nervous?” Magnus asks, sensing there’s something Alec isn’t telling him.
“It’s just –” Alec says, trying to explain what’s going through his head when he doesn’t even know it himself. "You think I'm interesting."
"I'm confused," Magnus says, not denying Alec's statement, "is that supposed to be a bad thing?"
"Yes? No? I don't know," Alec says, sighing. He doesn't know how to string together enough words to explain to Magnus what's going through his head in a way that actually makes sense. "It's just that, not many people think I'm interesting. In fact, they think I'm boring and a party pooper at best. I've never been one to get a lot of attention because people don't really find me interesting. They don't like me, Mags, and I'm completely okay with that. Honest, I am. But, well, you're you. Everything you do is amazing, everyone wants you, and for someone reason you've taken an interest in me and I like that.
“I like the fact that you find me interesting, that you've chosen me, that you call me pretty boy." Alec blushes so hard when that last part slips out before he can prevent it from happening. The smirk on Magnus' face tells Alec he's never going to forget that. "I'm just not really good at dealing with wanting things, I'm not supposed to care and I have never cared about other people's attention. But with you, I like it and I don't know what to do with the fact that I like it."
Alec searches Magnus' eyes for some kind of understanding, some sign that he gets what Magnus is trying to tell him, and he thinks he sees it. Magnus' faces gets a little sad and he shakes his head, resting a hand on Alec's face once more.
"I can't believe you've gone so long with no one telling you how wonderful you truly are, Alexander Lightwood. Shadowhunters sometimes forget they are part human as well, love, and liking the fact that your boyfriend wants you is nothing to be ashamed of. How could it be?" Magnus asks quietly.
"I also think you're not giving yourself enough credit, dear. Jace, Max, and Izzy love you more than anything, you know that, and, even though your parents are bumbling idiots, they love you as well. The Institute cherishes you as one of its best shadowhunters, whether or not they want to admit it or not, and the Clave is impressed with your dedication and abilities. Other shadowhunters want to be you, they look up to you. You are inspiring, Alexander, you are admired by a lot of people and you don't even realize it."
"That's not -" Alec starts, before breaking off and thinking about it. "That can't be true." He knows his family loves him and that the Clave and Institute value his skills, but do other shadowhunters look up to him? He's never realized it before but he supposes it could be true, as the leader is involved in pretty much everything that goes on at the institute.
"Don't underestimate your importance," Magnus says. Alec meets his eyes and what he finds on Magnus' face, complete and utter honesty, shocks him a little bit. "While I sense that's part of what you're worried about I feel as if there's something you're not telling me."
Alec looks away from Magnus, not exactly making him look any less innocent. He was hoping he wouldn't pick up on this but it is Magnus after all, he's always able to read Alec.
"You know me too well," Alec says, mostly teasingly but a little bit serious.
Magnus just smiles, letting the glamour that conceals his cat eyes fade a little. Alec has always loved seeing Magnus' cat eyes and Magnus knows it.
“I never know what to do when I'm around you," Alec admits finally, hoping Magnus won't take offence to that. "I’m not comfortable around a lot of people, I’m awkward and I never know what to do in these kind of situations. I know you don’t expect anything of me and it’s definitely not you that makes me nervous. You've been absolutely fantastic Magnus. It's just that - I don’t like a lot of people, you know this, and really the only people I let get close to me are family. I mess up a lot and I do a lot of things that make people angry, even though I don’t really mean too. But it’s okay if I mess up with Izzy and Jace, I mean if I say something bitchy to Izzy or do something that makes Jace mad they get over it because they’re family and they love me. But you… aren’t.”
Magnus’ eyebrows knit together and he gets a confused look on his face, like he doesn’t understand what Alec is trying to say. Which really doesn’t surprise Alec considering he’s an idiot and at least half of his insecurities make no sense at all. “I’m not sure I follow.”
“I’ve never had to work hard to get people to like me because I’ve never cared about people liking me,” Alec says, trying again to explain what’s going on in his head. “I don’t really have a lot of friendships outside of Jace and Izzy and even though I do things that make them mad and annoyed sometimes they always forgive me because we’re family. But we aren’t family, Magnus.” Alec sighs and rests his hands on Magnus’ hips, rubbing little circles into his skin with his thumb. The repetitive motion helps Alec calm down.
“If I do something to make you angry or you realize just how messed up I am inside or you lose interest in me there’s nothing to keep you around and I’ve never had to worry about losing people I really like because I’m a screw up. I don't let people get close to me, Magnus, hardly anyone. What I'm trying to say is that you’re the first non-family member I've ever really wanted to get close to, I mean I wasn't even that worried about losing Lydia and I almost married her, and I'm afraid that you'll get tired of me once you realize who I really am. I guess I feel like I have to do something to keep you around and I'm not good at making people want to be around me.”
“That’s what this is about?” Magnus says, searching Alec’s face for something he can’t identify. “Alexander, you’re so beautiful it hurts sometimes. You’re kind and you’re caring and you’re selfless, you give everything you possibly can to everyone, some who don’t deserve a damn thing from you, without asking for anything in return. You’re easily one of the most interesting people I have ever met, you’re strong and you’re brave and you’re daring.
“You don’t have to do a damn thing to keep me interested in you, Alexander, I don’t want you to do a damn thing to keep me interested. I fell in love with you, the Alec I’m currently straddling,” – Alec would be lying if he said that last part didn’t make him snort – “with all your broodiness and your selflessness and your interestingness and your perfectness and your beautifulness. I just want you to be yourself. All relationships take work, but you don't need to do anything to keep me around.”
“That’s a lot of ‘nesses, are you sure they are all real words?” Alec prods, smiling to let Magnus know that he’s only joking.
“They most certainly are when used to describe you.” Magnus smiles and leans over to press his lips against his, letting the kiss linger a little longer than he had originally planned. He takes Alec’s hand and presses his lips to his knuckles.
“I can’t promise you we’ll be together forever, it’s a long ass time and we’ve still got things to work through. But I can promise you as of right now I love you, I am completely invested in you, and I intend on loving you for a very, very, long time. Even if something happens and we end up breaking up, don't think I would ever just walk out of your life. You mean too much to me; I could never do something like that to you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything to keep me happy Alexander, the only thing I have ever wanted is for you to feel comfortable with your real self. You will always be enough for me.”
Alec smiles slightly and runs a hand across Magnus’ face, taking a second to bask in all of Magnus’ gloriness. Now he’s the one making up stupid words to describe Magnus’ perfection. “Are you sure?” Alec asks, his voice sounding so small and timid it’s actually embarrassing. He didn't realize until just now how much he needed to be reassured.
“Alexander, I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Which is saying a lot because I’m a very confidant person.”
Alec laughs at that and leans up slightly so he can be the one to kiss Magnus now. “Thank you, Mags, for everything.”
Magnus reaches down to hug Alec and Alec reaches up to hug Magnus, the position is a little uncomfortable but Alec would have burning thighs for the rest of his life if it meant he got to experience Magnus straddling his lap. “I feel like I ruined the movie-watching mood we had.”
“Well,” Magnus says, tracing a ring covered finger down the side of Alec’s cheek. “If you agree to make out with me we can call it a shift in the movie-watching mood instead of a ruining of the movie-watching mood.”
“Deal,” Alec says. Not even a full two seconds after the word leaves Alec’s mouth Magnus’ lips are pressed to his. The kissing starts off slow but slowly gets more heated as the minutes pass, which is basically how all of their make out sessions start.
It’s not until a few minutes into their hot-and-heavy kiss fest, as Jace once described it as, that Alec realizes Magnus had told him he loved him for the first time. Twice.