Chapter Text
It’s been months in the planning, a couple years of stable dating in anticipation, and nearly 20 years of being the singular constant presence in Seungcheol’s life, so you would think Jeonghan should’ve been prepared to face his best friend on his wedding day. But no, it wasn’t. It was agony. It took all Jeonghan had to wake up this morning on Seungcheol’s wedding day. Of course, as his best friend’s best man, Jeonghan had to be the first one there, the one who had been there for each and every one of Seungcheol’s major life moments. It made him feel special, that Seungcheol thought of Jeonghan in such an important way to grant him this privilege. There was no one in this world who knew him better than Jeonghan. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough though, cause if there was one position Jeonghan wanted more than best man - it was to be his life partner, to be the person standing side by side with him as they exchanged rings and were officiated in front of all their friends and family.
Jeonghan remembers the day he first realized he had feelings for Seungcheol. They were in middle school and some boys had thought it was a good idea to tease Jeonghan about being a pretty boy, to which he showed them that being pretty was just a bonus to his awesome athleticism, beating them all in a 15:0 soccer match. Seungcheol had heard from some other friends where Jeonghan was and came to the field just as the 15th goal was made. Jeonghan had been triumphant, walking away so he didn’t have to deal with such childish fools, and towards a waving Seungcheol.
“Seungcheol-ah! What are you doing here? I thought-” But Seungcheol flew right past him and right as he turned around he heard a hard CRACK followed by a thud. It turned out that because of a wounded (and childish sense if you had asked Jeonghan at that moment) pride, one of the boys had the bright idea to lunge at him from behind. Seungcheol had punched the boy smack center in the nose before he could touch him. The boy was flat on the grass with his buddies trying to get him up while Seungcheol slung an arm over his shoulder to redirect him out of the field saying, “Let’s go Jeonghan-ah.”
Of course, it didn’t take a genius to notice Seungcheol had injured himself in the process (he was strong, Jeonghan had to admit, but that didn’t mean he knew how to punch properly) so off to the school infirmary they went. There, Jeonghan reprimanded him while Seungcheol sat and waited as Jeonghan dressed his wound.
“I had it handled you know,” Jeonghan exasperated.
“I know, I saw - ack shiiiit” Seungcheol responded as disinfectant was dabbed.
“How’d you even know where I was?”
“I told the guys in the club that I was going to meet up with you, and one of the hoobae’s said they saw you on the field….”
Jeonghan sighed, packing away the supplies after he had wrapped a good amount of bandages around Seungcheol’s hand. “Well, either way I had it handled. I certainly beat their asses hard enough so I don’t think they can say anything to me anymore.” Although he meant for it to come out prideful, the vigor that was supposed to be there was nowhere to be found as he stared at Seungcheol’s knuckles. “Why did you do it?”
“Huh?”
“I’m asking… why did you punch that guy? I was closer so you could’ve just shouted for me to turn around. You didn’t have to get hurt for such a petty thing.”
“Cause I wanted to.”
Jeonghan looked up at that, not believing Seungcheol could just simply mean that. But all that greeted him was a cheeky smile from the boy. No thoughts behind those eyes, just pure sincerity.
“But…”
“I mean it. I mean you took care of the hard part, you kicked all their asses out there. I just smacked one guy pretty hard is all.” He said it so matter of factly, as if his knuckles weren’t the deepest shades of black and blue right now.
“...you big goof,” Jeonghan said as he stood up, knowing that trying to reason with Seungcheol for a better answer was impossible. He never called him names, always stood by him as he tried out new hair styles or had an attitude about moving unnecessarily. He understood why Jeonghan did what he did, so it was only fair he did the same for Seungcheol. He did it because that's what best friends did for each other. If you hurt one, get prepared to be hurt by the other.
“Alright then. So, can we go buy ice cream now? I’m dying to get that cart lady’s cherry popsicle.” Seungcheol had turned into a puppy now so Jeonghan had no reason to refuse, even thinking about paying. “Oh, hold on Han.”
“Hmm?” Just as he stopped, Seungcheol turned him around, undoing Jeonghan’s tiny ponytail and patting the hair down so it flowed smoothly. All the while, Jeonghan looked at his face, concentrating like he deeply cared about how Jeonghan was going to look outside of this room.
After being satisfied with his hair, he smiled gently, gums and all, “There! Just as pretty as I remember.” Bathump. “Let’s go get that ice cream now.” Is all Jeonghan heard as Seungcheol began to leave the room. It was there, right there, Jeonghan knew he could never go back to thinking Seungcheol’s smile was just goofy.
There was another time Jeonghan almost spilled the beans on his feelings for Seungcheol. They were in their last year of university, and the weekend before their graduation they had decided to spend the night drinking away the last stressful moments of the school year with their friends. It was now 2 am, all of their friends had left which meant only Jeonghan and Seungcheol were left in Seungcheol’s small apartment living room. In an effort to try and reduce tomorrow’s looming hangover, they had turned on the TV to some random late night dating show and were munching on pretzels.
“What is wrong with that guy? Shouldn’t have kissed that other girl if you hiccup promised that you were hiccup so serious about her...” It was clear that Seungcheol was a more outspoken drunk. You could put on a nature documentary and he’d still have some commentary he needed to voice to the world. But while Seungcheol complained about reality TV, Jeonghan was in his own mind, having drowned out the show and Seungcheol a while ago.
Over the past few years, having graduated high school together and moving in as roommates for all four years of university, Jeonghan’s feeling had evolved to astronomical levels. He noticed the smaller things that Seungcheol liked more, going out of his way to get melon bread when he was feeling down or reminding him to check his shoelaces. He knew Seungcheol liked to go to that tteokbokki place on Thursdays, how he only liked the tofu and kimchi served in the cafeteria on Mondays but hated the way they made the rice, preferred that his favorite jacket was air dried outside on their balcony outside closer to the neighbor’s little flower garden so it could “soak up the smell”, and just a myriad of other things. He knew what comfort shows he enjoyed, how he liked the dishes staked in the cupboards, why he cut fruit the way he did, what was so special about his lucky keychain - all in all, he knew who Seungcheol was because he wanted to. He wanted to know things about the man he loved, and being roommates gave him an excuse to do that. Even with their hectic class schedules, they came together as a source of relaxation and comfort.
What made his emotions grow further was when he had to deal with Seungcheol’s girl problems. He was popular, no doubt about it, so he got ladies pretty often. He wasn’t a playboy by any means, and if things didn’t last they more often than not ended amicably. Being the big softie that he was though under all those muscles (Jeonghan swore that they were the main reason for the uptake in one-night stands during their junior year), the constant short flings made him question his worth at times.
“I thought things would work out this time Han…I really did,” Seungcheol sobbed to him one particular night.
While wrapping him up in a hug, Jeonghan could only think of two things. It wasn’t Seungcheol’s fault he was just too good for everyone. And two, would things be different if it was between them? Although he never understood why Seungcheol was never in a relationship longer than 6 months, seeing as those girls never called him names or bashed him about it after the fact, maybe things were really just never meant to be. Maybe he just hadn’t found the one yet. The one who could understand him as well as he could. But this thought never came with anything good. In all his time with him, Seungcheol never took an interest in men, even when they took interest in him. It had only happened about a handful of times, but he always just kindly rejected them. So how would Jeonghan be any different?
“Jeonghan-ahhhhhhhhhh,” a whine from Seungcheol pulled him out of his spiral. “I want another drinnnnk.”
“Aish. It’s almost 3 am so we, and especially not you, are getting off on more liquor. Here, water.” He shoved the water bottle at his friend.
“Hmph,” Seungcheol’s pouts always distracted him from the fact he could probably carry two Jeonghan’s himself without breaking a sweat. “...What’s got you so deep in thought for?”
“Just the show,” Jeonghan shrugged. He couldn’t possibly tell Seungcheol, specifically drunk Seungcheol, groundbreaking information at this point in time.
“Hey Jeonghan…”
“Hmm? What? You want more water?”
“No….. why haven’t you hooked up with anyone yet?”
“Huh.” Jeonghan was so glad he had put down the water bottle or else his side of the couch would’ve been drenched. “What the… why do you ask?”
“It…s.. just I bring over girls a lot…… buuut, I’ve never seen you do it.”
“Well…I….”
“Do you just got like, I don't know, reallllllly high standards or somethin’?”
“No, not exactly…..”
“I’m still in touch with my last two exes…. I can always ask them to set you up with someoneeee.”
“I don’t really need that. Really Seungcheol, it’s fine-”
“You know Younghee? I dated her during sophomore year, she’s really nice. I remember she has this one really pretty friend who-”
“Seungcheol!” Jeonghan had enough.
“What?”
“I don’t wanna get with a girl, and I certainly don’t want you to help find me one.”
Seungcheol paused at that, which made Jeonghan unnecessarily nervous. Did he come off as rude? He really didn’t mean it in that context. Shit.
“Jeonghan-ah. I- I just want you to find someone to be happy with,” Looking into Seungcheol’s eyes, Jeonghan could see the warmth he was trying to convey. “I may not have had very much luck in my love life, but I at least want you to. You always comfort me after my breakups and flings, so I feel like the least I could do is try to help you find your own happiness. You’re my best friend, it’s what you deserve.”
He meant it, Jeonghan could tell he really meant it. But he wasn’t sure that felt right with him. He appreciated the sentiment, he really did but… happiness didn’t lie with some girl Seungcheol wanted to find for him. It was him. And somehow, that promise to find him someone else, hurt more than he thought it would.
“So tell me Han, what’s your type? I want to take this seriously. Should she be really smart or athletic? Long hair? Short hair? Oh, an indoor girl who likes movies or someone who likes to go on hikes? Hmm? Hmm?” Drunk Seungcheol was just as persistent as sober Seungcheol. He knew spewing some random answer wouldn’t be enough to satisfy his curiosity so, in order for this to be done, he decided to bite the bullet.
“Well, first and foremost, she…”
“Yeahhhhhhh,”
“....has to be a… he” Jeonghan saw the slight pause in Seungcheol’s lean towards him. Was this the wrong time? Had he screwed up telling drunk Seungcheol and in the process messed up things with Seungcheol altogether. Shit shit shit-
“I can work with that,” The answer slingshotted Jeonghan out of his thoughts. He was pulled into a sudden embrace, with Seungcheol murmuring. “Thank you for telling me Hannie. I’ll do my utmost best to find you someone. The best man who will treat you right, you have my word. I mean you’ve always been pretty, so it can’t be that hard right?”
It wasn’t exactly what Jeonghan wanted to say, not everything he wanted to confess, but this answer was enough to make his heart beat faster at the justification that at least Seungcheol didn’t hate him. This step hadn’t destroyed their relationship, and that helped put him at some ease. If he shed a couple tears into Seuncheol’s shoulder as they hugged tighter, Seungcheol acted like there was nothing of the sort and for that he was forever grateful.
Jeonghan was standing near the entrance to the garden venue Seungcheol’s soon to be wife would be standing at in a little less than an hour. It was very fitting, the venue the two had chosen to show their love off to everyone.
It was a garden venue that could fit around 100 people with red and white flower bouquets lining the aisle, white garden chairs with red and white bows on the back of each one. The tiles that covered the area were polished and smooth as they led to the center where the two would get married under a flower arch. It was a beautiful late morning to get married, a beautiful day for love. But not his love. His love here will be shoved aside, and he couldn’t even blame anyone for it. Just himself.
Seungcheol’s fiancee was beautiful inside and out, there wasn’t a bad bone in her body. They had met each other two years into Seungcheol’s first job where they were both considered newbies. Being part of the same department, they handled much of the same work and spent a lot of time together. Quick conversations in the break room turned into sitting with each other at lunch, which also turned into moving their desks to be next to each other. This then spread outside of work where they would make up excuses to try new cafes on the weekends as “friends” and run at least once a week. After some time, Seungcheol had confessed to Jeonghan how he wanted to ask her to be his girlfriend. Being the supportive friend he was, Jeonghan suggested he take her to a fair that was going to appear in the market downtown that weekend where he should ask her out. If you had asked Jeonghan that night if, when he got Seungcheol’s happy filled text about how grateful he was for his help, he thought this relationship would last long, he would’ve said no. If you had asked him two years later when Seungcheol announced to his best friend first that he had proposed and she had accepted, if he regretted helping them get together in the first place, he would’ve said no. If you had asked him last night if he hated her for taking Seungcheol’s heart away from him, he would’ve said no. If you asked him right now as he stood in front of the groom’s room, Seungcheol’s room , if he regretted not ever telling Seungcheol all those times leading up to this moment that he loved him, he would still say no.
Because would that have really done anything? After seeing Seungcheol and her together for the last 4 years, he couldn’t think of a better pair. They understood each other, helped each other through the tough times and showed everyone how to care for another person wholeheartedly. He had never seen Seungcheol happier with another person, other than him, up until her. Although he hated that he wasn’t the one who did that for Seungcheol, he couldn’t possibly hate her for making the man he loved happier. Cause that’s all that mattered to him - that Seungcheol was happy. And if that meant it was because of someone else who wasn’t him, he had to accept that. He steeled his heart as he knocked on Seungcheol’s door.
“Cheol, it’s Jeonghan. Coming in,” He announced before turning the knob. “I see people are starting to fill into the chairs so I think we’ll be going soon-”. There was the man he loved, standing in front of the mirror in a tux that fit him perfectly. Jeonghan’s words caught in his throat, he was unable to say more as he seared the image into his mind forever.
“Oh Jeonghan! Can you check my tie? I’ve never been good at these fancy things you know,” Seungcheol joked, totally oblivious to how much of Jeonghan’s heart was cracking beneath the surface.
“Hmm, you missed this part again. Haa, you better hope she’s as generous as I am about your horrible tie skills.” When he thought about it, was this the last time Seungcheol would ask him to help him tie his tie?
“I look forward to it actually. But you still do a better job, don’t tell her that though or she’ll pout. As much as I love it, she’ll definitely use it against me. But then again, I wouldn’t hate that either.” Seungcheol smiled such a loving smile in front of Jeonghan, but of course it wasn’t meant for him.
“You really are her golden retriever, haha. Ok it’s done. Let’s go, don’t want to keep everyone waiting.” Just as he was about to wait outside to escape the suffocating feeling of being this close to Seungcheol at this moment, he got pulled back. “Cheol? What’s wrong?”
“I just want you to know how thankful I am for you being here Jeonghan. I don’t know what I did to deserve a best friend like you. Thank you for giving me the courage back then to ask her out. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be as happy as I am right now.”
The hug Seungcheol gave him was supposed to be happy and grateful. But for Jeonghan, it felt suffocating. That’s right, things were like this right now because of him. If he hadn’t pushed him back then, Seungcheol wouldn’t be getting married right now. But that was wrong, because the thing that made Seungcheol the happiest right now was getting married to the love of his life. It was just a cruel piece of fate that the love of Jeonghan’s life wasn’t the same as his.
“Of course, Seungcheol. I’m just so happy that you are about to be the happiest man on the planet. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. I’ll be here for many more of those memories, cause that’s what a best friend does unconditionally.” And he meant that. Jeonghan didn’t tell a single lie. Seungcheol was about to be the happiest man alive. This level of happiness was truly all he wanted for him. He would always be there unconditionally for Seungcheol in the future, just like he has been all these years. Nothing will change, nothing.
With one last squeeze, Seungcheol let Jeonghan go, “Ok, time for the groom and best man to make their appearances. Shall we?”
“We shall.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
The last of the guests had filed in 10 minutes ago and now it was the turn of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. One by one, each pair filed in, at the end being Jeonghan, the best man, and the bride’s maid of honor. Jeonghan knew her a decent amount, a fiery woman who had become one of the only people that could compete with him when it came to drinking games. They had a mutual understanding that they didn’t need to be close friends, being the best friends of the people getting married was good enough. As the last pair to walk down the aisle, it was funny how her unusually tight grip on his arm was the only thing that kept him from sinking to the floor or running away from the venue at the thought of having to witness his love get crushed.
A few seconds after they took their positions, Seungcheol walked in as handsome as ever. Jeonghan swore that the sunlight and breeze were working together to make him look like the dreamiest man alive, to torture him of what he can’t have. As he walked up to the arch and next to Jeonghan, he gave him a warm smile before turning around to face back to the aisle as the song signaled that the bride was about to enter.
She was beautiful, Jeonghan really couldn’t deny that. If there was any dress in the world that depicted her to be the angel of a person she was, it was this dress right here. After being amazed for a couple seconds, Jeonghan couldn’t help but glance in Seungcheol’s direction. He saw tears, tears of pure joy and happiness making their way through the soft features etched on his face full of warmth. Out of all the expressions Seungcheol wore while they were friends, Jeonghan never saw one quite like this - but he knew what it meant. It was an expression reserved to show to someone Seungcheol truly cared for, would do anything for, could spill all the contents of his heart to, could be honest about how he felt and thought - all the things he did with Jeonghan but also just on another level. He couldn’t explain it but again, he just knew. Just knew it was a level he wouldn’t be able to reach that she could.
As soon as she reached the altar, standing side by side under the flower arch full of love in front of all the people they loved, the two exchanged vows. As they spilled their vows to each other, full of love and all of life’s promises, Jeonghan’s heart fell to the pits of his stomach piece by piece. He couldn’t help but hear it all, tried to tune it out, but he knew as painful as it was he needed these beautiful words to crush him. With the exchange of rings, Seungcheol wasted no time swooping his new bride into a deep kiss and carried her out of the garden back into the building, with cheers and the rose petals following them. But all Jeonghan could do was smile sadly, silently as he saw his love walk away, no longer his. Never his.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
The reception has been going on for an hour and a half now, the bride and groom enjoying their time with the guests. Jeonghan had just given his speech, as heartfelt and meaningful as a best man could for his best friend. Half way through, he felt his throat starting to burn and knew he wouldn’t last much longer so after raising a glass to the happy couple, he hurried out as fast as he could without getting noticed.. He was now outside, away from the party going on inside. Staring up at the stars, he went over the events of the day, trying to accept his broken heart. Through all that thinking, he hadn’t noticed the clicking of heels coming behind him until they were right beside him.
“Hello there Mr. Best Man, enjoying the cool air I see?”
“Hey yourself Ms. Maid of Honor,” Her presence may have surprised him, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. “And what if I am? I may be a good drinker but I’m not exactly one for loud party music.”
“I feel ya,” She said, but after a slight pause threw out a curve ball. “Nursing a broken heart outside is a very cliche move you know.”
Jeonghan froze, mouth forming a tense line. There wasn’t really anything he could say, knew if he tried to deny the accusation he’d end up proving her right through tears. He didn’t say anything, so she took it as her cue to keep going.
“I had an inkling the few times we drank. At first I thought it was my bestie you were crushing on, of course that was until you said you were gay. Kinda ashamed to admit it wasn’t until we were walking down the aisle, when I saw you more tense than ever and grabbed your trembling arm. You didn’t even notice how much you were shaking, you were so focused on keeping your face straight.” She put a hand on his shoulder, still not looking at him, but now looking in the same direction he was. “I don’t know how exactly you’re feeling right now, but I have to hand it to you for keeping it in all this time, especially today. I can only guess how hard it must’ve been. No matter how you feel about him, you are the best best friend he could ever ask for. Especially for putting his happiness over your own, for letting them share their love today, you are in my book the epitome of a best man.” She handed him a glass of champagne, and he took it as they clinked them together. Before she left, he gave her a smile that said the thanks and appreciation he couldn’t express in words at the moment, and she returned the sentiment.
As soon as she left, Jeonghan broke. Thankfully, she had closed the door behind her, leaving him to only have the darkened garden bear witness to his tears and sobs of sadness. It had been a tough day, a day he knew he needed. He let her words comfort his secret heartbreak, words he didn’t know he would need at this moment, but nonetheless was grateful they were given to him. Seungcheol had tied the knot with the love of his life, so Jeonghan had to do what was right and sever the one he himself had tied to Seungcheol.
It was about time he went back in, it was almost certain Seungcheol would get him to dance, sharing the happy moment with his best man. After taking the last swig of his champagne, Jeonghan felt like he had steeled himself enough to face him. Even with a broken heart, he didn’t regret it being broken this way, didn't regret being nothing more than a best friend to Seungcheol today. He did what he always vowed to do once he knew his love for Seungcheol, he did all he could to ensure Seungcheol’s happiness, even at the cost of his own.