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They say relationships shouldn't complete you—just add to your life.
"But why does it feel like something's missing?"
…is what Kira thinks.
Or rather, what she likes to think.
"You mean someone's missing?"
…is what Riri would always counter with.
Five whole years have passed since Kira and Yumeko ended their "relationship."
Heavy on the double air quotes because neither of them ever actually confirmed whatever it was they had.
Kira and Yumeko are no longer in touch.
But there once was a time they were each other's ride or die.
As for how and why it ended, Kira refuses to discuss it with anyone.
"Still hung up on her?"
Riri asks.
But Kira still can’t bring herself to say it flat out.
That she’s over her.
"Do you miss her?"
Each question pokes a hole deeper than the last.
"It was a mutual decision. What matters is we both agreed we were better off without each other."
"That doesn’t answer anything, Kira."
And Riri’s right.
Five years later and Kira still can’t say what really happened.
So much for “we both agreed.”
"A mutual decision where both parties agreed and didn’t have to fight about anything doesn’t explain everything?"
"You’re deflecting. Again."
"I am not."
"If it ended like you say it did, then why does it look like you’re still stuck?"
"It's not like I'm still in love with her."
"Fine. Let's say that's true. Not in love, sure. But definitely still stuck."
"God, Riri. Maybe it just isn't that easy to live on like nothing happened. It was three years. For three years it was just her and I."
"Is it the memories you can't let go of,"
A pause.
"or is it the person you shared them with?"
—
Kira is now a writer under the pseudonym twilight.
She writes both books and songs. An artist at heart, she is.
That, and of course, a supposed heir to the Timurov business.
Supposed, because she gave up the position to Riri.
Still, she’s part of it.
After all, she obsessed over that role for most of her life.
As for Yumeko, she's opened up a dojo.
That's as far as Kira knows about her.
"No point in diving deeper."
Kira is known to be respectful of people's boundaries.
She also happens to have a degree on self-control.
But when it comes lying?
"You're not very good at lying, Kira-san."
..is what Kira would always hear in her head whenever she attempted to.
So lying?
Crossed out with thick red ink.
A good way to avoid having to lie is to deflect.
Kira learned this over the past five years, every time Riri came over to visit.
A cup of tea is always served, but it’s best paired with a casual:
“How are you?”
But the aftertaste is something Kira could never quite get used to:
“Are you over her now?”
—
So far, Kira had published three books.
The first was about gender and sex studies, mainly focusing on how, even centuries later, the queer community still faces discrimination.
One famous part of the book tackled the stigma surrounding the word lesbian, and how the term sapphic is often used to soften or avoid it. Even lesbians themselves, she argued, sometimes find it difficult to say the former aloud.
A bold stance. But very rightfully so.
Her second book was about love.
It explored love in different forms:
Familial, platonic, romantic, empathetic, and materialistic.
She explained the complexities of human life and affairs. That love runs deep. That once it has bloomed, it takes a very long time to fade. And, that it won't and can't ever undo itself.
A famous part in the book was:
"Humans yearn for love.
Love—not to be confused with fear—is what keeps them going.
To love is to want.
To love is to need.
But when that want turns into desperation, and need becomes obsession, it is no longer love.
It is fear."
Yumeko inspired this.
Yumeko also happened to ignite Kira's hypocrisy.
Kira had written about love so confidently, about knowing what it was, how it worked, how different its forms are, and what it turned into when it got warped.
But when it came to what she and Yumeko had, she hadn’t even bothered to name it.
She was so complacent with the love they shared that she never questioned what kind it actually was.
Definitely not familial.
Could it have been platonic?
Maybe. But she was sure it was something more.
Was it romantic?
Well, was it casual when they snuggled in bed every night?
When Kira finally stopped treating caffeine like water, just because Yumeko told her to?
Was it only platonic when the first time Yumeko learned to cook was because Kira got sick and couldn’t get out of bed?
Wasn't it romantic, when Kira, under her breath, muttered to Yumeko:
"I'm glad you happened."
As for the third book, it delved into the kind of wanting something you know you shouldn't have.
Her readers could tell it was somehow connected to the previous one, though Kira never officially said it was.
It starred a female character whose life turned out exactly as she’d planned.
Well, some little changes here and there, but nonetheless, the goals were reached.
Her little schemes for the future had every chance of happening.
And they did.
But deep inside, something in her spirit wished she had spun the ship’s wheel a full 180 before ever reaching the destination.
A famous stanza in the book was:
"I have arrived at where I dreamed to be.
But why am I the only one I see?
I am where my mind had set my life to be.
But why does my heart still feel lost at sea?"
Yet another bold move from Kira.
Riri, to this day, still asks her if this one, yet again, has something to do with Yumeko.
She knows the answer, for sure, but she wants to hear it directly from Kira.
But alas, a shield for a sword.
Riri's question? Deflected.
Riri's nudging? Parried.
Kira's answer? Avoided.
— But there once was a time —
Kira and Yumeko are no longer in touch.
But there once was a time it felt like they were the only people in the world.
Yumeko would greet her, "I brought you your favorite!" every time they met out for a date.
Kira would say, "But you're already here."
Yumeko loved gift-giving.
Kira simply loved Yumeko.
Kira would argue with Yumeko on who got to walk on the part of the sidewalk adjacent to the road.
And she would always win.
Kira loved through small acts.
Yumeko simply loved Kira.
Kira and Yumeko are no longer in touch.
But there once was a time they would show up for each other without needing to be asked.
Yumeko was the forgetful type. Always somehow empty-handed when it rained.
Kira had gifted Yumeko an umbrella on her birthday, but for some reason, Yumeko preferred to share under Kira's.
Yumeko loved being close.
Kira simply loved Yumeko.
Kira never stuck to just one genre. She's also a versatile songwriter, afterall. Yumeko, on the other hand, had ten playlists for lovesongs.
All of which she secretly dedicated to Kira.
Kira loved every kind of music.
Yumeko simply loved Kira.
— But that time had long since passed —
Kira and Yumeko are no longer in touch.
But there once was a time it felt like they were the only people in the world.
Yumeko would greet her, "I brought you your favorite!" every time they met out for a date.
Kira would say, "But you're already here."
Yumeko loved gift-giving.
Kira simply loved Yumeko.
But love alone was never a guarantee.
The gifts remain, but not the one who gave them.
Kira would argue with Yumeko on who got to walk on the part of the sidewalk adjacent to the road.
And she would always win.
Kira loved through small acts.
Yumeko simply loved Kira.
But even with all that care, they never ended up on the same path.
Eventually, they stopped walking the same road.
Yumeko was the forgetful type. Always somehow empty-handed when it rained.
Kira had gifted Yumeko an umbrella on her birthday, but for some reason, Yumeko preferred to share under Kira's.
Yumeko loved being close.
Kira simply loved Yumeko.
They used to weather storms together.
Now they walk through the rain alone.
Kira never stuck to just one genre. She's also a versatile songwriter, afterall. Yumeko, on the other hand, had ten playlists for lovesongs.
All of which she secretly dedicated to Kira.
Kira loved every kind of music.
Yumeko simply loved Kira.
But even the most loving songs can turn bitter to the ear.
And not every dedication reaches its listener.
—
Kira and Yumeko are no longer in touch.
And maybe they were never really meant to last.
Loving each other didn’t mean they knew what to do with it.
Some people don’t make it to the end of the book.
Safe to say, Kira knows this well.
Sometimes they only exist in a few chapters.
And when the pages turn, people change.
Some move forward.
Others get left behind.
Sometimes you reread the same lines, just to remember what it felt like when they were still there.
But no matter how many times you go back, the story never continues.
It only ever ends.
And sometimes, it’s like none of it ever happened.
Like you dreamt the whole thing.
Unsure whether or not it was a nightmare.
It's not like Kira is still not over Yumeko.
But it is quite strange.
Not that she misses her..
..but because she can't believe there once was a time that Yumeko happened.