Chapter Text
It was their first proper night alone at the motel. Benji had just been eliminated, and while he felt sad about that, he was excited to spend time with the only real connection he had made there, aside from Hannah, of course. He loved Hannah, but there was something different and unfamiliar about his bond with Tristan, which made him a bit anxious. As they lay together in the dark, a warm lamp softly illuminated the room, casting a gentle light on their faces. Silence echoed the room—awkward, yet present.
Tristan subtly shifted their body and coughed while looking around. “How are you doing?” they asked him, a bit pained.
Benji, caught off guard, paused for a moment before replying, “Oh! Uh… I’m doing well.”
He made eye contact with them for just a second before looking away. They were too cool for him; he couldn't look at such beauty without feeling completely insignificant.
“Great, great. That’s good, man,” they responded, their mind elsewhere.
Fuck. It was so awkward being around them after so long. What if it never got less awkward? He felt like he was making everything weird again, as he always has done. He was used to it.
Tristan lowered their voice, their words barely a whisper as they leaned in closer to Benji. The dim, warm light cast shadows on their sharp facial features, making a contour that highlighted every feature he loved about them. Their expression was perfect… their lips slightly parted, with an intense look on their face; they were gorgeous. Then, they spoke, but Benji, lost in his thoughts, couldn’t understand what they were saying.
Oh God, they were leaning in, but why? What had they said before, and why were they getting closer? Oh God, were they leaning in for a kiss? Why him of all people? Should he kiss back, or was it worse not to do anything at all? After finishing processing everything, he leaned in for a kiss with Tristan. Only a peck, but definitely a kiss.
He instantly pulled back and frantically apologized, “Um, oh God… I’m sorry!” He held his lips and shot them a worried look.
Tristan held their lips too and sat there on the bed, utterly stunned. “That’s not exactly what I was going for…”
Oh God.
They picked off a small piece of fluff from his hair and flicked it on the floor. “…but it’s not unwanted?”
“Oh no, I’m so sorry. I thought you were leaning in for well that.”
“It’s fine, really. I’m not upset.”
Benji buried his face in his hands, avoiding their stare. The room was quiet, too quiet, which only made him more uncomfortable. He had messed up again. How was it that he kept misreading social cues? It was so awkward, even he could sense the tension in the air. Tristan, only a few inches away with a shocked expression, had every right to walk away. Right here, right now. It was a well-known cycle for Benji; one mistake, one slip-up would send someone abandoning him, leaving him alone once again. Worst of all, he genuinely liked Tristan; they were an interesting person, so different than anyone he had met before. Their confidence, easily seen in just the way they carried themself, smiling easily and wearing whatever the hell they wanted, and still drawing people in. Then there was Benji, who always felt like he was walking on eggshells, afraid of saying the wrong thing and of being rejected.
Tristan saw his state, pulled his hands from his face, and held them.
“It’s okay,” they muttered softly.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice filled with anxiety.
Benji glanced at Tristan, who looked as though he would cry, but quickly looked away.
“Look at me.” They leaned into his ear and whispered, “Save your breath.” The way they emphasized the word “breath” made Benji’s heart race even faster than it already was.
He gulped. “You sure?”
“I want this.”
Honestly, he doubted their words, but their longing gaze suggested otherwise.
Tristan added, “Can I do something?”
“Yeah, what is it?” He felt a rush of blood to his cheeks.
They leaned in again, only a few inches from his face. “Can I kiss you?”
He looked at their lips, then their eyes, and back to their lips. "Yeah, sure," he said, trying to sound cool.
“You seem nervous, you sure?”
“Sorry, I kinda messed up the last one,” he admitted, forcing a chuckle out that felt forced in his throat. He lowered his head in shame as he continued, “And, well, that was also my first kiss.”
The words spilled out of him, making him feel like a complete loser for admitting it, but there was no denying the truth. He braced himself for laughter or a disapproving glance, but instead, he was met with a warm, sympathetic smile.
“So I took your kiss virginity, huh?”
He laughed softly and relaxed his shoulders. “I suppose that’s true.”
“I gotta tell you something. You’re the first person I kissed, too.”
Benji tilted his head. “You’re kidding! You’re so ho-awesome, though!” He prayed to himself that they wouldn’t notice his slip-up.
They shifted their face in a way he couldn’t figure out and paused before speaking again. “You’re being silly.” Then they looked away solemnly.
It was strange. They seemed to like him, right? Then why did they appear so sad?
Not wanting to ruin the moment, they looked up at him. "God, what are we doinggggg?" they playfully remarked, gripping their face.
“I dunno, but I think I want more?” He couldn’t believe he was being so bold. But there he was, asking them for seconds. He quickly and clumsily added, “If you’d like, of course.”
“Sure. I can do that, pretty boy.”
“Pretty boy,” those words repeated in his head and lit something feral within him. They didn’t even realize the effect they had on him, but Benji certainly felt it, an exciting heat that coursed through him. Just as he relished in the moment, they awkwardly tilted their head and leaned in for another kiss, landing slightly off to the left of his lips. They quickly corrected it, and when they finally connected, it made him incredibly delighted.
They placed their hand on his as he gripped Tristan’s shoulders tightly. He kissed them back with passion, pouring all his desire for them into just this second. Moaning softly, he moved closer, feeling completely lost in their love. Tristan’s hands slipped down to his hip dips, forcing Benji to melt under their touch. When Tristan accidentally bit his bottom lip, neither of them stopped, completely caught in the moment.
Suddenly, Tristan pulled back, holding Benji’s shoulders tightly, their breaths mingling together. Benji’s heart still raced, emotions still swimming in his head.
“What now?” he wondered, searching Tristan’s eyes.
The connection hung heavily in the air, a mix of euphoria and uncertainty. He wanted to lean in again, to surrender to Tristan once more, but something about this uncharted territory left him both thrilled and terrified.
“What are we doing?” they panted, trying to catch their breath.
“I don’t know,” he replied, looking at them, dumbfounded and blushing like a fool.
They turned away from him, showing their backs to him. With their arms crossed, silently, they sat on the bed, lost in thought.
He turned away from them, his shoulders slumping slightly in defeat as he wrapped his arms around himself, as if comforting himself from their sudden coldness. The air was thick with tension, and he could sense the unspoken words hanging between them. The sudden change in their behavior allowed him to take a hint when it was given. The message was clear: they didn’t see him that way.
“Oh…”
“No! It’s fine, it’s fine. It’s fine.”
They looked at him smiling, but with furrowed eyebrows, he wasn’t sure how to read their expression.
“I mean it, it’s fine. Let’s continue, dork,” they said playfully.
“Oka- Mhmpf!“ his affirmation was cut off by Tristan smothering him in another kiss.
As they stood lost in each other's gaze, both cupped the other's face, their hands gently cradling the other’s cheeks. When their lips finally met, it was soft yet urgent. As they kissed, Tristan's tongue playfully teased Benji's, tempting him in. The warmth of their bodies pressed together intensified the experience; Tristan's heart beat in rhythm with Benji's. Finally, Tristan broke the kiss, their lips lingering, wanting more, and just a breath away, before gently guiding Benji back onto the soft blanket beneath them, an inviting yet taunting smile painted on their lips.
“Is this alright?”
He adjusted his glasses and nodded with a bowed head, “Yeah, it’s fine, more than fine actually.”
Then, he realized he should stop talking.
Pinning his hands tightly yet lovingly, they moved closer to his ear.
They whispered with a husky voice, “Good.”
The goth tilted his chin toward their face.
“May I?”
Benji gulped and only let out an already out-of-breath, “Please.”
On top of him, they brushed their hand against his warm cheek before their gaze darkened. They leaned in closer, their lips brushing softly against his, forcing him to crave them. Benji's heart rushed as he felt an overwhelming wave of longing for them. Spontaneously, he reached up to grasp their face, his fingers gently tracing their sharp jawline as he pulled them deeper into the kiss, wanting more than just a fleeting moment. The cold of their skin against his sent shivers down his spine, making him need them more. After kissing for a while, Tristan’s tongue teasingly explored his mouth once again, causing Benji to shudder. They both hungrily gripped each other, feral and unbridled. Tristan held Benji’s shoulder while Benji's hand rested on Tristan’s thigh. Tristan shifted even closer, and their tongues barely brushed against each other at first, but soon they began to explore each other’s mouths more deeply. Frantically, Benji moved his hands to feel the strands of Tristan’s hair; they needed each other desperately. He needed them.
Finally, they both lay on the bed, silence echoing in the room. What had just happened? Questions occupied both their minds, unending and confusing. What did this mean for them? The silence lingered, which worried them both.
After many minutes of just lying together, Tristan, thinking Benji was sleeping, sat up.
Gripping their face, they whispered to themself, “Shit, what am I doing to him?”