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Leo had sworn he would get better. Carl had given him a home. A nice apartment near Carl’s house, just so Leo could always stop by if he wanted to. Carl had let him meet Kamski, which led to meeting his girlfriend. Carl even lent him money without suspicion for the first time in years. All because Leo had sworn off of Red Ice. But today… Today wasn’t a good day.
He stares up at the ceiling. He couldn’t relapse. No, no, he swore he wouldn’t. For his dad, for Markus, and especially for Chloe. But, God, he felt so weird. He felt wrong. Looking in the mirror made him feel awful, and feeling the stubble on his face made him feel even worse.
“Leo?” Chloe’s voice calls from the door. Leo looks over at her. She seems worried, and reasonably so. He’d been in bed for hours, and it was approaching evening by this point. “Are you sick?”
“No, I-” Leo tries to talk, but even hearing his voice was enough to ruin the slight motivation he’d gotten to get up by seeing his girlfriend so worried. He sits up, looking down at his body. He sees all of the dark hairs covering his calves, and immediately covers them with a blanket. He’d never felt so disgusted by his body when he was on Red Ice. It numbed him. Numbed him of all the bad feelings.
“Are you sure? You look so tired,” Chloe spoke softly. She walks over to the bed, sitting down next to Leo. She looked so pretty. So soft, so feminine. And what was Leo? A disgusting mess compared to her, that’s what.
He flinches at the feeling of her hand on his shoulder, but quickly leans into the touch. Everything was just so confusing. He feels like Chloe can read him. Like she knows he wants to relapse despite promising her that he wouldn’t. Fuck, he was a horrible boyfriend.
“I’m just- I don’t know,” Leo whispers quietly. He doesn’t want to hear his voice, but he doesn’t want to worry Chloe any more than she already was. Chloe frowns a bit, her LED flashing yellow once again.
“I’m here for you.” Chloe gives a small smile. Her hand gently rubs Leo’s shoulder, rubbing her palm against the back. Leo sighs and nods. He doesn’t deserve her.
“I can stay here with you, if you’d like,” she says, taking Leo’s hand into her own now. Leo just nods again. He doesn’t want to talk.
“Do you want to cuddle?” Chloe asks. He nods again, a small frown on his face.
Chloe slides under the blanket next to him, guiding him to lie down next to her. She rests his head on her chest, bringing a hand up to run through his hair. Leo glances up. Her LED is back to its usual soft blue.
Leo shuts his eyes as Chloe gently plays with his hair. He cuddles up to her, intertwining their legs. Chloe giggles softly at the feeling, pulling him closer. Leo can feel himself calming down. Maybe he doesn’t need to relapse. But he knows the second he looks into a mirror again, that horrible feeling will come back. And then, Chloe speaks.
“My handsome boy,” she whispers, and Leo just breaks. He’s shaking, sobbing into Chloe’s chest in an instant. He doesn’t understand. Why is he so weak? Why is he breaking down? Why did a simple compliment feel like a punch in his gut?
Chloe’s wiping away his tears, and he’s still a sobbing mess. His eyes are blurry with tears, and all he wants to do is numb this pain.
“Leo?” Chloe’s voice is panicked. All Leo can think is how much he hates that name. He’s always hated it. He wishes he had a better name. A name like Chloe’s. One with a nicer meaning, one that was pretty, one that made him sound less male.
“I can’t anymore,” he gasps out, feeling nauseous the second he hears his voice again. “I can’t- I need it, I can’t be sober anymore!”
“Shh, no, no,” Chloe whispers, lifting Leo’s face by his chin. “Why do you feel that way? Just talk to me.”
Leo doesn’t even know how to explain what he’s feeling. He knows he’ll sound crazy blabbering on about nonsense, but he wants to try to make it make sense! He wants to try for Chloe. If anyone can help him out of this, it’s Chloe.
He forces himself to calm down at least a bit. He breathes slowly. In, out, in, out. Slowly, he’s not sobbing anymore, just crying a little. Chloe’s thumb strokes his cheek gently, and he knows he has to try.
“Ever since I was little, I’ve just- I’ve felt weird,” Leo admits, wiping tears out of his eyes with his palm. “I don’t know. I’ve always hated super, uh, manly things? If that makes sense…” Leo feels like he’s spewing nonsense already, but Chloe nods. She has a patient look on her face.
“I don’t know. I really don’t get it. I feel sick whenever I feel like I look too masculine, and seeing my hair look all short makes me wanna just rip it out, and-” He sighs. “Ugh, it sounds so stupid.” He feels like bottling everything up again. He’s not even crying anymore, so maybe he just needed to talk about it for a little while for this feeling to calm down, but Chloe speaks again.
“It doesn’t sound stupid.” She brushes a strand of hair that was stuck to one of Leo’s tear-stained cheeks back behind his ear. “Do you want to keep talking about it?” Leo looks into her eyes. He knows she’s pleading with him, even if it’s not painfully obvious. So, he continues, even though he feels stupid for talking about it.
After a few minutes of rambling, Chloe smiles at him. She almost looks like she has something on her mind, like she knows something he doesn’t.
“So you’ve always wanted to be a girl?” Chloe’s question stops Leo’s rambling. He shakes his head, because he’s not trans or anything. Because being trans was a lot more serious than this, right? He was just going through withdrawals again.
But then he thinks more. He slowly nods, blinking a few times.
“I think so,” he replies. “I’ve never liked being a boy.”
“I think you might be transgender,” Chloe speaks softly. Her voice is gentle. Caring.
“I think I am.” Leo blinks a few times. “Is that… Is that okay?” Their eyes meet, and Chloe nods with a big smile.
“I’ll love you just as much,” Chloe whispers before leaning in, pressing a small kiss to Leo’s lips. Leo smiles and kisses back, sighing when they disconnect. This was refreshing. Like a breath of fresh air.
“You’re my pretty girl, then?” Chloe giggles. “Leah?”
“...Leah works, actually! I like that.” Leah smiles, resting her head on Chloe’s shoulder. “I’m your pretty girl now.”
“The prettiest girl in the world.” Chloe kisses Leah’s forehead.